u/alyceabsconded

My friend took her life around the time the Krushers disappeared.

The last time I saw her alive was when she served me at our local KFC and handed me a krusher.

If I were to get to have one again one day I would definitely cry.

She was a lovely person and made an excellent Krusher.

I'm not sure how to approach this but I saw some signs listing warning signals that you're in an abusive relationship.

Even though I'm not dating my housemate it was like reading a list of all my feelings/experiences.

They include:

Do they make you feel guilty for setting boundaries?

Do they say you are "too sensitive" or "overreacting" when you're upset?

Do you apologise even when you're not sure what you did wrong?

Do they twist the story so it seems like you're the one with the problem?

Do they insult your intelligence, appearance or capability?

Do you feel nervous before conversations, unsure how they will react?

Do they say things like "You'll never find anyone better?".

Do they deny saying thing you clearly remember?

Do they tell you you're crazy, paranoid or dramatic?

Do you keep screenshots or notes to prove you're not imagining things?

Do you feel like you can't trust your memory or judgement anymore?

Do they decide who you can talk to or spend time with?

Do they get angry when you go out or don't answer fast enough?

Do you hide things like conversations, friendships and decisions?

Do you feel like you've lost touch with yourself?

Do they control all the money and make you ask for things?

Do they make you feel guilty for spending your own money?

Are you not "allowed" to work or do they sabotage your job?

Do you stay because you're afraid of not being able to afford to leave?

Apart from some differences relating to finances I absolutely can tick the 'yes' box in response to all these.

I thought I'd share the list because maybe others will disagree these are warning signs, or someone else will relate and get something out of it.

I'm kinda still processing my thoughts/feelings.

My housemate has never been violent towards me, FYI. So I'm not claiming they are a physical safety risk. They just mess with my mind and sense of self-worth.

So I've noticed in my office if someone sneezes often no-one will say anything. If my boss does though, everyone says "bless you" in sync like we're in a kitchen shouting "yes chef".

We also don't get proper lunch breaks (have brought this up in another sub and understand I have to fix that) but my boss just got food delivered to her desk. A casual member of staff ordered uber eats to the office and insisted she don't pay him back.

My boss will also have coffee brought to her desk for free every morning.

And if she needs a pick me up in the arvo someone will go buy her a coke.

Like, is it just me or is this a bit excessive? I know she has a tendency to cry which puts us on edge but she's also the highest paid member of staff so...

I watched Bourdain’s Parts Unknown Sicily episode then put it on after. I’m obsessed.

I work in a job where my colleagues and I don't get a dedicated lunch break. I mean, we're not paid for an hour a day but it's frowned upon to leave the office to eat.

The person who sits next to me eats something in a glass bowl with a silver spoon EVERY DAY. It's also very crunchy.

And she doesn't do work while she's eating it at her desk. She just stares and the screen and eats incredibly slowly.

It's annoying to hear her chew and scrape (I have misophonia) and I think she should just go and sit in the lunch area and take ten minutes to eat her food.

Yes, I have an ED and don't eat at all during the day so that's part of why it's frustrating, but does anyone else hate it when colleagues eat next to them?

I usually put my headphones on but then I can't hear when my boss is calling my name so that frustrates her.

I think I need someone with lived experience to tell me whether things have gone too far.

Family and friends say it but it doesn't help. It just makes me panic and it's embarrassing because I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS.

Put simply:

I got sexually assaulted nine months ago. After that I just couldn't eat. I became completely detached from my body.

I work a hectic job though, so I've been forcing down a bowl of cereal with oat milk and coconut yogurt in the morning. At night I have no more than three beers.

On weekends I fast for one day and have a snack on the other.

Since all this started I've gone from around 55kg (121 pounds) to 33kg (72) pounds.

How screwed am I?

Is it possible that I'm becoming addicted to the feeling of being hungry?

No doubt it's a challenging feeling, but it's better than focusing on other things.

Right now my thought process goes:

I'm so awake. I should jump out of bed with a smile on my face because I survived cancer.

But how much can I feel my hip bones today? Ooo, more than yesterday. Yay.

Urgh, having an ED is actually disrespectful to the doctors who saved me, I better eat today.

I'll go to work because I know I have a box of cereal, milk and coconut yogurt there.

Okay, now I've made it work and eaten the bowl of cereal and I feel soooo full. Fuck.

I really shouldn't have eaten so much because I am disgusting and worthless. The guy who sexually assaulted you indicated as such.

Must. Do. Work.

Urgh, I can't focus because I'm getting hungry again.

I'm gonna watch YouTube clips of Mythical Kitchen, Bingeing With Babish and old Bourdain episodes while I do my work, half arsed.

Mmmmm happy place....

I met this guy the other day who is a motivational speaker and is missing one arm.

He was telling me how his "secret" to happiness was gratitude. He also mentioned how he'd done missionary work in countries were people like in horrible, scary conditions. So I'm "very lucky" etc. etc.

TBH I hate hearing that. I suffer heavily from survivors guilt and I am well aware things could be worse.

Am I the only one who struggles with feeling bad that you're technically physically healthy but your mind is messed up?

I thought I had IBS and endo because I was always so bloated.

I would restrict all day then binge after I took certain meds before bed.

Then one day I had to start eating breakfast because I was looking after a bird that had a routine of eating breakfast with their owner.

Now all I eat is a bowl of cereal and spend the rest of the day fighting cravings.

It's so hard but I find it stops bloat eating earlier in the day.

Is anyone else doing breakfast-based OMAD?

I'm a >!33 year old!< AFAB, >!159cms!< tall and weigh >!35kg!<

I've realised I've always had disordered eating.

When I was a teenager I would binge and purge. Then I got cancer and they gave me meds that turned me in to a bowling ball and made me gain weight.

Once I got better from the cancer I started getting really into my health. I would over-exercise, went vegan and then became dependent on laxatives.

Fortunately, I fell in love with a chef and then I had to stop using laxatives or she'd notice. She taught me so much about food and kinda made me even more obsessed with it.

After we broke up I couldn't bare being in a kitchen or a supermarket. I began ordering in every night, and went back to being vegan.

Now another ten years have gone by and I only eat one meal a day (breakfast cereal) and have a panic attack if I contemplate eating anything more than that.

Throughout all of this I have always had mental health support but my eating has never been major cause for concern. My housemates like to remind me of how unwell I am though...

I'm sharing this because maybe someone who isn't in the state I am in will realise what a slippery slope this shit is, and how EDs emerge in different ways, at different stages of your life.

Sure, I've lost a heap of weight but I've also lost my butt and boobs.

AND I live somewhere where there are more cold days than warm days.

So, now I'm feeling the cold more than ever. I've just spent wayyy too much money on a big, warm jacket to keep me comfy.

It's just kinda ironic that the assumption is people WANT EDs so they can look trim. But really, all the fat is replaced by layers of fabric you'll be forced to wear because you feel the cold much more.

Just goes to show having an ED is not a choice. It's pretty shit actually.

My housemate that continuously scolds me for not doing enough chores went away for a few days.

It was like as soon as she was gone I got all this mental clarity and energy. I felt free to do whatever I want. I wanted to feel a sense of control over the space for once and do a few tasks without judgement. I’ve done the vaccumming two times, I’ve mopped, I’ve dusted, I’ve weeded and sweeped up leaves. These are tasks she usually wants to re-do because I didn’t do a good enough job but I tried my best. I felt proud of myself and was able to read a book with minimal guilt.

BUT I feel like she’s gonna come back (expected ETA tomorrow) and say it’s “weird” how I seem to only do chores when she’s not around.

Fingers crossed she just says thanks or we don’t talk about it all. I’m so nervous. Like Mum’s about to come home but I’m 33. lol. So pathetic.

Can y’all pls manifest good vibes for me pls? ❤️❤️❤️

If you've read a bunch of Bourdain and you're still hungry read Tart by Slutty Chef.

It's contemporary, it's sexy and there's sooo many great meals had.

You also learn a lot about the practicalities of working in a kitchen. Like, I've always struggled to understand the ordering of checks on the pass and this book made me finally get it.

This post'll probably get removed because it seems like I'm the author and I'm trying to flog my book but I genuinely thought it was a decent read for Bourdain fans. He gets a few mentions, of course.

Next up will be A Waiter in Paris which is described as "Kitchen Confidential for Gen z" which is a little bit cringe IMO.

EDIT: I'm *no longer caring about you!

After another lecture about my failings last night I'm feeling baffled.

My housemate said given I contribute "absolutely nothing" to the house in terms of chores she's decided to "just not care" about it, or me, from now on.

She also said she thought it was "weird, odd, behaviour" that I didn't tell her I went to my brother's wedding but I did disclose to it to someone she brought 'round to visit when they asked what I'd been up to that day.

She said that was one of "many things" that has led to her to consider me, and our friendship, "a lost cause". She said she'll "not factor [me] in to social situations" anymore.

She doesn't think I'm trying to, or want to, "get better" i.e. not depressed/recovered from an ED. She didn't know I had spent a whole hour in a counseling session earlier that day talking through how to manage our conflict.

What was strange was that at the end of all this she acknowledged I had done a fair bit of cleaning up in the shed. Then she said she hopes "one day I get my power back".

So I'm just a bit confused. How can it be I contribute "absolutely nothing" but I get condescending praise for something I did...

I would have said this at the time but the convo had already gone so long, I had said about ten words and I was too emotionally exhausted to inevitably have another fight.

How would you interpret all of this?