u/goldenkoiifish

it’s hard to get into the specifics of my past but because of it, for the great majority of my life i’ve had an absolutely paralyzing fear of being in trouble.

i’ll start to sweat and tremble and everything goes cold, and i go through all these thoughts: am i in trouble? what did i do? what’s going on? what’s happening? i must’ve really fucked up this time, are they going to search me? maybe i did something terrible without remembering? maybe they’re going to humiliate me? am i going to jail? will i see my family again?

it’s terrifying and i always feel like i’m going to faint, which is a bad phobia of mine.

i’m a sophomore in college and these thoughts still haven’t gone away. lately ive been scared that someone’s going to break down my door and tell me that i’m in big trouble, even though i’ve never actually done anything wrong nor would i think about doing anything wrong. i don’t know what exactly in my subconscious causing it but i know it’s likely from my cptsd. but why now?! stop that!

does anyone have any tips on how i can unlearn this? i want to stop being so scared all the time. i’m trying to work it out with my therapist but we only meet once a week.

so, my special interest has been birds since i was 4, and it’s never gone away (almost 19 now). however as i turned 13 and entered my edgy dark phase as many children do (hasn’t gone away yet) i developed an insane fixation on plague doctors, everything about them.

my big special interest is still birds, but i also get really excited seeing plague doctors. but the thing is they also majorly resemble birds lol. so i guess i’m asking, is it possible to have a ‘main’ special interest and a little lowkey special interest related to the big one? or am i just getting excited because they look like birds?

much to think about. i’d like to know your views on it

it’s been a year since it happened, a year and a few months actually. i act all buddy buddy with my dad but i secretly still detest him for what happened.

he asks if everything is good between us. i lie and say yes, nothing is wrong. and then i curse him out in my head. it’s kind of flip flop though. he can be really mean sometimes, and he doesn’t really apologize, he just pretends it never happens.

last year when i was 17, right before graduating high school, i was running and i fell super hard. i didn’t know it yet, but i had broken my ankle in 3 places. i didn’t feel much from the adrenaline at first, and my dad forced me to school, but as the day went on the pain was horrible. i went to the nurse and basically cried on the phone begging for my dad to pick me up until he caved in. i remember i struggled to get to the car and i asked to go urgent care and he told me it wasn’t that bad and that we can just put ice on it when we get home.

when we got home, i was in excruciating pain, but i was afraid of mentioning it in fear of upsetting my dad more. so i laid there on the couch for hours almost wanting to die. it was my first ever broken bone, but throughout my life my dad had repeated that “if i broke a bone, i’d know it” so i kept convincing myself it was just twisted. but later i was begging him to take me to the doctor and he kept insisting i was fine.

the next few days were almost torture. i could barely move, and he didn’t help me at all. i have this one specific memory of trying to walk on my broken ankle to the bathroom, and it took me 15 minutes for a 20 foot walk. and he only yelled at me because i was blocking his way in front of the tv. i collapsed on the bathroom floor and i was too embarrassed to call for help, so i laid there for 2 hours until i managed to drag myself up. for those 2 hours, i had thoughts that i struggle to describe. they were almost a visceral hatred and self deprecation like nothing i had ever felt before. and when i got out, he didn’t ask if i was okay.

4 days after the break, i beg my mom to come take me to the doctor and she finally gives in. they do an x ray and the doctor genuinely gasps upon seeing my ankle. it was the color of barney. she ordered an immediate x ray and i had fractured my ankle in 3 different places. i don’t remember the exact names but my ankle had literally been broken into 3 different pieces. i needed surgery. i wore a boot to prom and graduation. it didn’t heal right and i still have a little bit of a limp.

the most i got from him was a ‘Sorry’ text. now when we interact i always have that in the back of my mind and i don’t think it’s ever going away. i’ll be 19 soon and i still have that image of 17 year old me stuck on the bathroom floor just wanting to give up completely. we laugh but i still think about the color of my ankle. i have never told anyone about the 2 hours i spent on the floor. he was already shit and abused the shit out of me and my mom but this was the tipping point for me.

it was hot as fuck today and i was exercising with too tight of a bra and when i came home my whole underboob was bright red and it stings like hell. it’s only my left one

i ignored the warnings to wear something there to help. i put deodorant on without thinking and it hurt soooo bad my eyes watered.

how to resolve this quickly? i’m laying so boob and torso skin don’t touch. i don’t know how im going to lift my boob up to prevent it from touching for so long especially because i live with my family. i’ve put aloe vera on it and like the cooling gel stuff

any tips? help. i popped two tylenol waiting for them to work

#youknowwhatthatmeans

in 5th grade, my teacher showed us all a movie on movie day near the end of the school year. would’ve been about 2018 but the actual film itself was much older. it had a lot of charm to it, but i can’t remember much of it at all.

i believe the plot was that a bunch of men were going up north, or at least the main character man was; to alaska, maybe? i apologize, it’s hard to remember, but it may have been for the gold rush, or coal mining. it may have been a job opportunity. someone needed to find someone.

in one scene, someone is in a red train car and he’s wearing a fedora. he gets to a small town and i am sure there is a young girl. a dog might be involved.

at one point he’s walking down the railroad tracks with a dog. it had a lot of scenic shots of pine trees.

any help is appreciated. thanks.