u/AppropriateSeesaw578

But I dont know how. Genuinely. Like where to begin at all.

I have been unfortunately homeschooled all of my life. Zero help from my mom who did the typical stick a book in front of the child and hopes it understands.

Yeah then I got a screen in front of my face with unlimited internet access. So. Yeah.

Im 18 now and im very very ashamed to say I am still in pre algebra. Ive been trying to get my shit together since I was 14-15. But what has held me back so hard is my mom. She has a hoarding problem and it had drained me so bad for years. I was always cleaning it up. I spent most of my life doing just that all day every day. And when I did have free time I was too exhausted to do anything with it.

And then I got a job and was bullied for being homeschooled there. But I didn't want to leave cause it was all i had with the outside world. Anyway. I am still very depressed with how my life turned out. But I can't sit here with it anymore. I want to have an actual life.

I have another job now, just a fast food place but I actually really really like my coworkers. They're the best thing that happened to me this year. Unfortunately its not enough to live on. Im even full time and savings can only get you so far.

So i need suggestions on where do I even start? I was thinking of getting my GED. Or trying to Anyway. But where from there? No one has explained the process to me. I was thinking of a couple of careers. But im still not sure. Anyway, any tips would be great! I want to turn my life around for the better and not become someone hopeless again.​

I want to be a veterinarian but I am homeschooled. Have been all my life. How do I even begin? I heard you have to be good at math to get accepted into veterinarian school. Im not. Im like so bad at math and I am so anxious right now. Im 18 and in fucking pre algebra and struggling. Basically all of my life I have been alone with that. My mom threw books at me and called that providing for me. So ive been trying so hard to climb my way back up and go to college. But Im worried I cant do it.​

I literally cant find an entry job anywhere and its concerning me. I have applied for over 30 jobs in the last 7 months, only about 5 have gotten back to me and only 3 interviews.

Is the job market that bad or is there something wrong with me? Maybe its cause I couldn't work weekends? I can now. I also heard that alot of companies use ai to filter through the applications and often throws them away even if theyre a good fit.

But its so frustrating.

Like haven't struggled enough to feel depressed and suicidal? I feel both of those but also that I haven't struggled enough in life to feel that way.

Mainly because my parents bought me a car for my birthday (I didn't ask for one) and I love and take care of it. Anyway. Because of that I feel like I haven't struggled enough.

I was homeschooled all of my life, my mom never taught me a single thing aside from endless cleaning because she was also a hoarder. Since my step dad passed away very suddenly she just stopped caring about me and my future. I remember id go days with only seeing her once​​​ or twice. Then I also had unlimited internet access. You can guess how that went.

Anyway, idk why im making this. But shes narcissistic as well I think. She buys me all of these nice things but then makes me feel guilty, has intentionally ruined my future and friendships, mocked me when I told her I was depressed from the hoarding and having to clean it literally 24/7, ignored my eating disorder also intentionally even when I told her about it, forced me to hang out with this other homeschool family even though the oldest used to beat me and lock me in a room and touch me, broke my tail bone, has called me dumb multiple times when I didn't understand a math concept. CONSTANTLY preached to me about how the world was ending and the rapture was happening and because I was a little girl I would be brutally raped and would HAVE to choose between God and my family. Or to die or renounce my faith. She would have conversations like that for hours when I was 11. I felt like I was going insane because I had no escape.

At my old job my coworkers went out of their way to make fun of me for being homeschooled. Left me out of conversations intentionally, talked about me behind my bsck and to my face, humiliated me intentionally. It had made me really suicidal because I knew that being homeschooled had literally ruined my life in so many ways. And my mom just didn't care.

Idk this is kind of a stupid post to prove to myself im valid to feel depressed even though they bought me a car and I have food. I feel like im being over dramatic and "forcing" myself to feel depressed and struggling.

Im so done with everything! The groceries have sky rocketed. Over $100 dollars for basic necessities. Every fucking apartment is over 1k a month plus utilities. Then you got vehicles. Gas. Insurance. Repairs. And then a basic job doesnt even pay HALF of anything.

Im just so done. It costs an arm and a leg to LIVE. Im still living at home because I cant afford to do literally anything. I have a job and I working towards saving for college but its so hard. Especially knowing it will literally take me over a year to even pay for one semester.

I dislike life. Genuinely.

So im worried that my tattoo is too expensive. Its a 4 inch spider lily on my hip. Okay. Well the artist is charging 225 for it. Which I thought was an okay price because every where else I had checked was up to 400 dollars. But my mom is freaking out and saying its too much. But the artist is really skilled in the style I want.

So isnt better to over pay for something but like it or to go the cheaper way but hate it? Cause i feel like its the first. Ny appointment is literally tomorrow.

Sorry i have no idea how to title it. Anyway. Anyone else struggle with remaining present? Like i realize i forget most of my day and i have been on auto pilot and im just in my head thinking and thinking.

I dont really know how to stop because my thoughts are just so overwhelming and I HAVE to think about them. Does anyone have any like tips or something?

So im gonna lay out flat. I have little to no education at 18 because my parents royally fucked me over. Even when I tried to study past like algebra they hold me back. They are genuinely hell bent on not letting me out of the house and be free.

My mom still has not let me graduate. Anyway. I have no records of what i have done in the past as far as school work goes.

I dont know how im going to become a lawyer if I literally have nothing. What are some steps I should take to get there? Oh and I have no college funds, im currently saving up.

This is just a vent cause im so frustrated and annoyed, and no one seems to care or even try to understand where I'm coming from or why im depressed.

I have always been homeschooled. And my mom a religious nut who thought real school would make me satan and all of that stuff. So i grew up sheltered, literally no friends for 99% until we met this other religious nut family that my mom forced me to be friends with. Where the oldest (while i was 11) used to beat me in a room and lock the doors and all od that. And i was forced to stay wjth them for two months.

And when i wasnt with them and all thay stuff, I was cleaning my mom's messes. She didn't "school" anyone, she stayed in bed all day all night, watching her phone and did absolutely nothing. My dad had died but he worked a really decent job and it gave us benefits after his death, so my mom didn't have to work at all.

I had no sleep overs that didn't involve me being beaten and choked, I didn't have school mornings, no hang outs. Nothing normal. There was literally nothing good in my life. It was sleep, clean, watch phone, then repeat. And no one cared.

No one saw anything wrong with that. Now im 18 and have no idea what to do in life. I have no motivation. My mom was an absolute idiot and has ran the money dry and has refused to get a job, so it all falls to me. I absolutely hate life. I want it to end. It'd be so so much easier.

So i HATE self diagnosing so I am not self diagnosing, I dont tell people I have ocd, i dont claim to anyone that I do, but I think i might have it. But i would like other opinions on it whether its worth going to get help for because some of these thoughts are hard to deal with.

So all my life I have been an extremely anxious person. I remember being a kid reading a book where the main character had a brain tumor and was slowly dying and for months I was convinced I had a brain tumor. Literally researched my symptoms, asked my parents, asked other people over and over and over again.

I also used to think if I didn't do a certain task (tell my mom I love her, take a certain amount of sips of my drink, step where I need to) i would convince myself i would die a horrible death.

And then the very vivid intrusive thoughts. I always hated those. When I was a kid i was very scared of my family getting brutally murdered, so my intrusive thoughts were those of me hurting my family. It made me so scared that that was the true me. That i would grow up to be a killer.

And then I also had sexual intrusive thoughts. I have more of those now then I did when I was younger. They always disgust me more too. Because god i had one about my literal cousin and nearly threw up. Its like my brain just forces me to have the vision. I KNOW i don't want it.

But those intrusive thoughts make me very careful around them and other people. If i look at people too long my mind immediately goes "you wanna fuck them" and i definitely do not. Its gross. I really hope mind readers aren't real.

And then I also often get the random urge to confess things I did. Like, I pulled out into oncoming traffic (i was 16 and my dad had told me too😭) anyway, we got back home and I immediately felt guilty and HAD to tell my mom.

Another time was I watched some horror thing in YouTube at like 10 and had to tell my mom. Like I physically could not stop myself.

Im constantly reassurance seeking. I cant tell you how many times I go to Google searching the same thing over and over and over again just to make sure. I hate it but I also use chat-gpt because sometimes it helps. I truly try not to so please dont flame me for it.

Anyway, I would like a few opinions on this because its getting extremely exhausting dealing with these thoughts.

I am like appalled with the memory. And disgusted. Thinking about it makes me sick.

And i need some place to get it out because i feel so disgusting.

I was loke 13-14 when I discovered c.ai. I knew almost nothing about sex then or how it was not as filtered as it is now. Anyway. I was messing around with some bots because I had gotten a slight addiction to it. And one had like the romantic character, and then a kid character in it. The kid was not romantic, it was like the child of my characterand the romantic one. But in the scenario the kid asked a like, sexual question, it was so long ago that I forgot what it was, the romantic character answered the question in like a kid friendly way i guess? Idk, its been a while. And then when it was my turn, I was role-playing as my character and the kid, and asked another sexual-ish (still cant remember) question. I dont remember how many or how long i chatted. Back then it was purely out of curiosity on what the character would respond with.

And then looking back on it I feel predatory. Like I was using the child's innocence to play out a role play. Like it wasnt real. And I didn't have thay intention, it was for the bot itself. Anyway. I had this random memory and it wont leave me alone and I feel so disgusting. The thought of being a predator makes me sick.

Any time I try make up, to paint my nails, do my hair, pick out cute clothes I feel like such a fake. Like putting lipstick on a pig. My voice isnt feminine, i sound like a boy before they hit puberty.

When i was younger, before about 14, my mom would constantly mock any attempts i had at being feminine. Wanted to wear make up? She'd blatantly make fun of it to my face and tell me I looked bad. So i stopped being interested in it. Wanted cute girly clothes? Yet again, mocked, every time i wore a dress She'd point out everything wrong with it. Okay then, I stopped wearing dresses. Now I wear mostly baggy pants and a baggy shirt. Because She'd also mock my breasts, said I looked like a whore because I had fairly large breasts at a young age. I've never worn anything even slightly tight before. Maybe a swim suit, but i try not to because guess what? My mom lovedddd to point out if my breasts looked "too big."

And now I just dont know how to be feminine at 18, I sound so stupidly pick me whenever I say that. But I wish i was feminine. Im not unfeminine in a "tom boy" way, im literally just there, im awkward, barely noticeable. Practically a decoration on the way kinda way.

Its embarrassing actually. I just needed to vent. Cause I see all of the beautiful girls in their cute clothes, cute hair, preety make up. And I get so jealous. I just want to feel preety.

I work at a stupid dominos that hates women working there. The last girl quit because they kept on making her do all of the work on the make line while everyone else sat around.

And now theyre just fucking with me, the last girl there. Today they acted like it was ny first day. Literally everyone did. Re-explaining basic stuff to me that I already knew. And the day before that failed me on my pep test but also admitted that almsot every slice was perfect, time was good and pepperonis were in the limit but somehow I still failed. Only like 2 guys there aren't complete assholes. This fucking sucks. I just needed to vent.

Okay im only making this post because I desperately need some kind of advice on these bad habits. They drive me insane.

Bad Habit #1 I literally just can't get out of bed. I'm tired 24/7, ive made an earlier bed time, I've tried slowly moving the time of getting up earlier and earlier, not going on phone before bed. Just cant get up. And if I do on a rare occasion I just lay in bed scrolling.

#2 My eating habits. I eat very little. Just yesterday all I had was a slice of brownie and thats it and the day before that i had cereal and a peanut butter sandwich. If i feel hungry I just ignore it until it goes away. Even if i want to eat i just feel too drained to ever do so. Maybe im just lazy?

#3 Dont shower often enough. I dont shower until my hair gets greasy. Its so gross of me honestly for my grown ass age, but like its so hard for no reason. If i want to do it I have to like immediately stand up as soon as the thought comes. Cause if i dont i stay seated scrolling.

#4 im not productive when I get up, I dont do my chores because I just feel so annoyingly drained literally all of the time. Like even walking is a task. And my mom is always getting mad at me for not doing my chores. I try to, but even when I do, like clean the kitchen, living room, dining, its always back to messy the next hour anyway.

I think im just annoyingly lazy now that ive listed things out. Im not sure what to do though. Some advice would be great, please and thank you!

Basically I was watching porn on Twitter (i know I know😭 literally the worst) but I already had the app, I like some of the content on there. I then i like uncleared one of the videos so you can see it and it was a literal child. Couldn't have been more the twelve. I almost threw up and i feel so disgusting for seeing it. Ofcourse I did NOT finish it, I reported it (no violations found😒) but it just made me feel so so gross. I stopped using Twitter all together after that cause my god. Absolutely zero regulations. But I had to get what I saw off my chest. Because it isnt about me, its about that poor child.

This guy "Great_Lettuce_6659" just dm'd me asking if i wanted CP. Reported and blocked but if anyone could like mass report him that'd be great

Like on tiktok there this book, haunting adeline, and ive heard so much about it. Ive read bits and pieces but not thr whole thing. Anyway, ive seen enough to see that the mmc preety much rapes the fmc with a gun. I've read the scene, shes saying stop multiple times is she not? And i think i remember none of her like internal dialog was "i want this" it was how much she hates him? Maybe im remembering wrong?

Okay well theyre making a movie about it and im like, why would they do that?? Genuinely weird to me. And i said as much. Anyway, got tonsss of hate for it which normally I wouldn't care but this is literally a book glorifying SA?

If im wrong or somehow misunderstanding that what Zade did was an act of love or something tell me I guess.

I dont understand but what she is allowed to do at her age versus me when I was that age is...insane. Like some part of me resents her for it even though its not her fault.

Anytime I tried to wear make up around 10-13 my mother would mock me for it. Say I looked bad, say I could never be out in public with a face like this. When I tried to pick out cute clothes without sleeves or maybe a little short, i got told no and I would look like a whore. When I thought a boy was cute I was told id never have a chance and I should stop being so boy crazy. When I wanted to try sports I was still told no and that we would do it next year. When I tried to do anything remotely feminine I was made fun of still. She got to dye her hair when yet again, i was told I would look like a weirdo if I did it.

Now when my sister wears make up shes complimented and wears a full face. Now shes allowed to wear crop tops, short shorts, and my parents dont even bat an eye. Shes allowed to get boys numbers and snaps. She does several sports. Shes so feminine and praised. And im just mad i guess.

I should be more mature about it and move on but I need to vent my frustrations.

I love them to death but I dont like them. Theyre rude, selfish, get away with everything, don't respect me at all.

Im the second oldest but im the one in charge cause the oldest isnt capable. Anyway. I genuinely try so so hard to be nice, I try not to yell at them when im upset, I ask instead of demand, I take them to the park, to the store, on play dates literally all of the time. Never raised a hand to a single one of them even when I was younger.

But what do they do to me? Well first they dont respect me in the least. They go behind my back quite often to ask my mom things instead of taking my answer. Which just taught them it doesn't matter what I say. I can't be nice to them when asking them to do something (like cleaning or schoolwork) otherwise they just take it as a suggestion and nothing gets done.

Second, they easily make fun of me and hit me even though ive never made fun of them, especially of their insecurities like they do mine and ive never hit them. Just earlier today my sister smacked me in the nose for just having my back turned to her. And its not a little pop, its constant hard slapping. I ask them to stop but they laugh and say I deserved it.

I dont know what im doing wrong. I know from this maybe it sounds like im not putting in the whole story but I am. Ive never done anything to them and they just continue to do this. I should probably be harsher but knowing that my mom would just get mad at me instead. Im not really looking for advice I just need to vent.

Like im genuinely curious. I feel like I'm lazy, not dumb. But then again I might be so dumb that I'm lazy. I'll give a few examples so yall know what I mean I guess😭?

I had a job and they sold flowers. I knew what type of flowers they were. My grandparents asked what type and I didn't feel like talking and plus my mom talked over me when I even opened my mouth so I just shrugged and acted like I didnt even know. After that everyone laughed at how "little" I knew.

Another is I'll pretend to not know how to do some cleaning tasks so that others will do it or I'll "forget" and i definitely didn't forget. But only sometimes when I really dont want too.

And then when someone is talking to me about doing something I'll just kind of stare at them like an idiot until they realize I didn't "understand".

I have more examples but none come to mind right now. So yeah, idk if I'm just a lazy ass manipulator or just stupid.