u/AppropriateSeesaw578

So im worried that my tattoo is too expensive. Its a 4 inch spider lily on my hip. Okay. Well the artist is charging 225 for it. Which I thought was an okay price because every where else I had checked was up to 400 dollars. But my mom is freaking out and saying its too much. But the artist is really skilled in the style I want.

So isnt better to over pay for something but like it or to go the cheaper way but hate it? Cause i feel like its the first. Ny appointment is literally tomorrow.

Sorry i have no idea how to title it. Anyway. Anyone else struggle with remaining present? Like i realize i forget most of my day and i have been on auto pilot and im just in my head thinking and thinking.

I dont really know how to stop because my thoughts are just so overwhelming and I HAVE to think about them. Does anyone have any like tips or something?

So im gonna lay out flat. I have little to no education at 18 because my parents royally fucked me over. Even when I tried to study past like algebra they hold me back. They are genuinely hell bent on not letting me out of the house and be free.

My mom still has not let me graduate. Anyway. I have no records of what i have done in the past as far as school work goes.

I dont know how im going to become a lawyer if I literally have nothing. What are some steps I should take to get there? Oh and I have no college funds, im currently saving up.

This is just a vent cause im so frustrated and annoyed, and no one seems to care or even try to understand where I'm coming from or why im depressed.

I have always been homeschooled. And my mom a religious nut who thought real school would make me satan and all of that stuff. So i grew up sheltered, literally no friends for 99% until we met this other religious nut family that my mom forced me to be friends with. Where the oldest (while i was 11) used to beat me in a room and lock the doors and all od that. And i was forced to stay wjth them for two months.

And when i wasnt with them and all thay stuff, I was cleaning my mom's messes. She didn't "school" anyone, she stayed in bed all day all night, watching her phone and did absolutely nothing. My dad had died but he worked a really decent job and it gave us benefits after his death, so my mom didn't have to work at all.

I had no sleep overs that didn't involve me being beaten and choked, I didn't have school mornings, no hang outs. Nothing normal. There was literally nothing good in my life. It was sleep, clean, watch phone, then repeat. And no one cared.

No one saw anything wrong with that. Now im 18 and have no idea what to do in life. I have no motivation. My mom was an absolute idiot and has ran the money dry and has refused to get a job, so it all falls to me. I absolutely hate life. I want it to end. It'd be so so much easier.

So i HATE self diagnosing so I am not self diagnosing, I dont tell people I have ocd, i dont claim to anyone that I do, but I think i might have it. But i would like other opinions on it whether its worth going to get help for because some of these thoughts are hard to deal with.

So all my life I have been an extremely anxious person. I remember being a kid reading a book where the main character had a brain tumor and was slowly dying and for months I was convinced I had a brain tumor. Literally researched my symptoms, asked my parents, asked other people over and over and over again.

I also used to think if I didn't do a certain task (tell my mom I love her, take a certain amount of sips of my drink, step where I need to) i would convince myself i would die a horrible death.

And then the very vivid intrusive thoughts. I always hated those. When I was a kid i was very scared of my family getting brutally murdered, so my intrusive thoughts were those of me hurting my family. It made me so scared that that was the true me. That i would grow up to be a killer.

And then I also had sexual intrusive thoughts. I have more of those now then I did when I was younger. They always disgust me more too. Because god i had one about my literal cousin and nearly threw up. Its like my brain just forces me to have the vision. I KNOW i don't want it.

But those intrusive thoughts make me very careful around them and other people. If i look at people too long my mind immediately goes "you wanna fuck them" and i definitely do not. Its gross. I really hope mind readers aren't real.

And then I also often get the random urge to confess things I did. Like, I pulled out into oncoming traffic (i was 16 and my dad had told me too😭) anyway, we got back home and I immediately felt guilty and HAD to tell my mom.

Another time was I watched some horror thing in YouTube at like 10 and had to tell my mom. Like I physically could not stop myself.

Im constantly reassurance seeking. I cant tell you how many times I go to Google searching the same thing over and over and over again just to make sure. I hate it but I also use chat-gpt because sometimes it helps. I truly try not to so please dont flame me for it.

Anyway, I would like a few opinions on this because its getting extremely exhausting dealing with these thoughts.

I am like appalled with the memory. And disgusted. Thinking about it makes me sick.

And i need some place to get it out because i feel so disgusting.

I was loke 13-14 when I discovered c.ai. I knew almost nothing about sex then or how it was not as filtered as it is now. Anyway. I was messing around with some bots because I had gotten a slight addiction to it. And one had like the romantic character, and then a kid character in it. The kid was not romantic, it was like the child of my characterand the romantic one. But in the scenario the kid asked a like, sexual question, it was so long ago that I forgot what it was, the romantic character answered the question in like a kid friendly way i guess? Idk, its been a while. And then when it was my turn, I was role-playing as my character and the kid, and asked another sexual-ish (still cant remember) question. I dont remember how many or how long i chatted. Back then it was purely out of curiosity on what the character would respond with.

And then looking back on it I feel predatory. Like I was using the child's innocence to play out a role play. Like it wasnt real. And I didn't have thay intention, it was for the bot itself. Anyway. I had this random memory and it wont leave me alone and I feel so disgusting. The thought of being a predator makes me sick.

Any time I try make up, to paint my nails, do my hair, pick out cute clothes I feel like such a fake. Like putting lipstick on a pig. My voice isnt feminine, i sound like a boy before they hit puberty.

When i was younger, before about 14, my mom would constantly mock any attempts i had at being feminine. Wanted to wear make up? She'd blatantly make fun of it to my face and tell me I looked bad. So i stopped being interested in it. Wanted cute girly clothes? Yet again, mocked, every time i wore a dress She'd point out everything wrong with it. Okay then, I stopped wearing dresses. Now I wear mostly baggy pants and a baggy shirt. Because She'd also mock my breasts, said I looked like a whore because I had fairly large breasts at a young age. I've never worn anything even slightly tight before. Maybe a swim suit, but i try not to because guess what? My mom lovedddd to point out if my breasts looked "too big."

And now I just dont know how to be feminine at 18, I sound so stupidly pick me whenever I say that. But I wish i was feminine. Im not unfeminine in a "tom boy" way, im literally just there, im awkward, barely noticeable. Practically a decoration on the way kinda way.

Its embarrassing actually. I just needed to vent. Cause I see all of the beautiful girls in their cute clothes, cute hair, preety make up. And I get so jealous. I just want to feel preety.

I work at a stupid dominos that hates women working there. The last girl quit because they kept on making her do all of the work on the make line while everyone else sat around.

And now theyre just fucking with me, the last girl there. Today they acted like it was ny first day. Literally everyone did. Re-explaining basic stuff to me that I already knew. And the day before that failed me on my pep test but also admitted that almsot every slice was perfect, time was good and pepperonis were in the limit but somehow I still failed. Only like 2 guys there aren't complete assholes. This fucking sucks. I just needed to vent.

Okay im only making this post because I desperately need some kind of advice on these bad habits. They drive me insane.

Bad Habit #1 I literally just can't get out of bed. I'm tired 24/7, ive made an earlier bed time, I've tried slowly moving the time of getting up earlier and earlier, not going on phone before bed. Just cant get up. And if I do on a rare occasion I just lay in bed scrolling.

#2 My eating habits. I eat very little. Just yesterday all I had was a slice of brownie and thats it and the day before that i had cereal and a peanut butter sandwich. If i feel hungry I just ignore it until it goes away. Even if i want to eat i just feel too drained to ever do so. Maybe im just lazy?

#3 Dont shower often enough. I dont shower until my hair gets greasy. Its so gross of me honestly for my grown ass age, but like its so hard for no reason. If i want to do it I have to like immediately stand up as soon as the thought comes. Cause if i dont i stay seated scrolling.

#4 im not productive when I get up, I dont do my chores because I just feel so annoyingly drained literally all of the time. Like even walking is a task. And my mom is always getting mad at me for not doing my chores. I try to, but even when I do, like clean the kitchen, living room, dining, its always back to messy the next hour anyway.

I think im just annoyingly lazy now that ive listed things out. Im not sure what to do though. Some advice would be great, please and thank you!

Basically I was watching porn on Twitter (i know I know😭 literally the worst) but I already had the app, I like some of the content on there. I then i like uncleared one of the videos so you can see it and it was a literal child. Couldn't have been more the twelve. I almost threw up and i feel so disgusting for seeing it. Ofcourse I did NOT finish it, I reported it (no violations found😒) but it just made me feel so so gross. I stopped using Twitter all together after that cause my god. Absolutely zero regulations. But I had to get what I saw off my chest. Because it isnt about me, its about that poor child.

This guy "Great_Lettuce_6659" just dm'd me asking if i wanted CP. Reported and blocked but if anyone could like mass report him that'd be great

Like on tiktok there this book, haunting adeline, and ive heard so much about it. Ive read bits and pieces but not thr whole thing. Anyway, ive seen enough to see that the mmc preety much rapes the fmc with a gun. I've read the scene, shes saying stop multiple times is she not? And i think i remember none of her like internal dialog was "i want this" it was how much she hates him? Maybe im remembering wrong?

Okay well theyre making a movie about it and im like, why would they do that?? Genuinely weird to me. And i said as much. Anyway, got tonsss of hate for it which normally I wouldn't care but this is literally a book glorifying SA?

If im wrong or somehow misunderstanding that what Zade did was an act of love or something tell me I guess.

I dont understand but what she is allowed to do at her age versus me when I was that age is...insane. Like some part of me resents her for it even though its not her fault.

Anytime I tried to wear make up around 10-13 my mother would mock me for it. Say I looked bad, say I could never be out in public with a face like this. When I tried to pick out cute clothes without sleeves or maybe a little short, i got told no and I would look like a whore. When I thought a boy was cute I was told id never have a chance and I should stop being so boy crazy. When I wanted to try sports I was still told no and that we would do it next year. When I tried to do anything remotely feminine I was made fun of still. She got to dye her hair when yet again, i was told I would look like a weirdo if I did it.

Now when my sister wears make up shes complimented and wears a full face. Now shes allowed to wear crop tops, short shorts, and my parents dont even bat an eye. Shes allowed to get boys numbers and snaps. She does several sports. Shes so feminine and praised. And im just mad i guess.

I should be more mature about it and move on but I need to vent my frustrations.

I love them to death but I dont like them. Theyre rude, selfish, get away with everything, don't respect me at all.

Im the second oldest but im the one in charge cause the oldest isnt capable. Anyway. I genuinely try so so hard to be nice, I try not to yell at them when im upset, I ask instead of demand, I take them to the park, to the store, on play dates literally all of the time. Never raised a hand to a single one of them even when I was younger.

But what do they do to me? Well first they dont respect me in the least. They go behind my back quite often to ask my mom things instead of taking my answer. Which just taught them it doesn't matter what I say. I can't be nice to them when asking them to do something (like cleaning or schoolwork) otherwise they just take it as a suggestion and nothing gets done.

Second, they easily make fun of me and hit me even though ive never made fun of them, especially of their insecurities like they do mine and ive never hit them. Just earlier today my sister smacked me in the nose for just having my back turned to her. And its not a little pop, its constant hard slapping. I ask them to stop but they laugh and say I deserved it.

I dont know what im doing wrong. I know from this maybe it sounds like im not putting in the whole story but I am. Ive never done anything to them and they just continue to do this. I should probably be harsher but knowing that my mom would just get mad at me instead. Im not really looking for advice I just need to vent.

Like im genuinely curious. I feel like I'm lazy, not dumb. But then again I might be so dumb that I'm lazy. I'll give a few examples so yall know what I mean I guess😭?

I had a job and they sold flowers. I knew what type of flowers they were. My grandparents asked what type and I didn't feel like talking and plus my mom talked over me when I even opened my mouth so I just shrugged and acted like I didnt even know. After that everyone laughed at how "little" I knew.

Another is I'll pretend to not know how to do some cleaning tasks so that others will do it or I'll "forget" and i definitely didn't forget. But only sometimes when I really dont want too.

And then when someone is talking to me about doing something I'll just kind of stare at them like an idiot until they realize I didn't "understand".

I have more examples but none come to mind right now. So yeah, idk if I'm just a lazy ass manipulator or just stupid.

I already hate my life. But this was just icing on the cake. Its so stupid its hilarious.

I did a solo at a dance recital. My sister had begged me to do it. I was 17, I had never done dance before and I had 6 months to learn.

I already knew I wasnt a good dancer. I don't have the talent that my sister does or anyone else there does. I honestly wish I never had done it. I would've saved myself the overwhelming embarrassment.

I just got the video of the recital back today and oh my god. I looked...horrendous. Every single fucking move was executed horribly. I dont know if it was because I was so nervous and shaky but my GOD. I couldn't finish it it was so bad. I had to literally look away. No one told me that my shoulder rolls didn't look good or that my firebird didn't have a straight leg.

No no instead everyone said "you did so good!" Liars. Goddamn. Id rather be told the harsh truth. Im actually embarrassed to show my face there anymore. I cant wait to leave.

No wonder the studio doesnt want me on competition lmao. The other girl whose my age who I was comparing myself so hard too had done GREAT. And im so happy for her. But i did so bad that I just...cant.

I know this sounds like a stupid reason to kys. Which is true. But this just helped me realize I will truly never be good at anything. Never good enough. Never first choice. Nothing. I am the background character in my own life. It's hilarious. So, honestly I just can't wait to die. Knowing the world has lost NOTHING.

So yesterday I failed the portions test twice. I was like extremely unprepared and didn't know it was coming up, I had only been on bowls for under a week. Alot.

I took another today and passed with flying colors. Problem? I think it looks like I cheated.

So i was doing the test in the office. I answered almost every single question (about 3 left) and looked at my phone because I had the answer sheet. NOT TO CHEAT ISTG. I had already gotten 97% of it done and was looking at my already existing answers so I didn't make a fool out of myself again. They were all correct. And if they weren't, I wasnt going to fix them by cheating. I just wanted to know so I wouldnt being crushingly disappointed.

But now im worried that if they look at the footage, they'll see me. Because my test scores got a drastic change because I genuinely had studied all freaking day before hand. And I worried because it was drastic, its going to make it look even MORE like cheating. Now im worried.

I work at dominos. I have for about 3 weeks now. Last week I was put on bowls, I measure out every topping for every pizza. Its annoying and useless but I am doing it.

Yesterday I took the portions test and failed miserably. Twice. Mainly because I was guessing my way through because I hadn't seen the portions list in a good two days and I already didn't know it well. The second time I got a glance at the answer sheet but I do so bad at tests I'm ngl. I know that probably sounds like an excuse and im probably just dumb but I cant do tests.

And the guy that was giving me my taste made me insanely nervous. Cause he was judgmental as hell.

Anyway. I feel like an absolute failure. Because how could I mess up something SO simple?? Am I really that dumb? If I cant do a portions test what can I do? How will I ever get a real job or go to college if I freak out over small tests? My god, I hate my life and myself. I wish i was atleast somewhat smart.

I work at dominos (deadass regret it) and i failed the portions test after being on bowls for a week😭 like i am sp embarrassed bro.

Its not even hard its how many portions there are for every little thing. And its hard to memorize where all of the spots are, y'know? Plus im absolutely horrible at tests. If you asked me casually I could honestly tell you what this or that is. But on a test? Mind goes completely blank. But I feel so embarrassed😭

Why is homosexuality a sin? Like genuinely?

I understand why lying, lusting, gluttony, envy, all of that is a sin because they almost always have negative outcomes. But how does a guy liking a guy or girl liking a girl have a bad outcome?

How is loving someone a sin? I need someone to genuinely break it down for me because it doesn't make sense.