I want online friends but the problem? They are always weirdos. Always a man who wants nudes and cant resist showing his dick every chance he gets.
Im SEVENTEEN and they will still do it. Or they're weirdos. Or they're never like, my type of friend? Id love some friends who like books, gaming, has a sense of humor, maybe some harmless flirting but in a joking way and not twice my age😭
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Long story short. I made bad discussions online. I was around 16-17 when I sexted online.
It all started because I met this guy on this app and we started talking. He was older than me but I just wanted someone to talk too. I was homeschooled and isolated my entire life. People at my work were bullying me and so was my family to the point i ate every other day, self harmed, slept all day and no one cared. So I thought he did until he started asking for nudes and said he would leave if I didn't. So I did.
And after that it made me feel a little bit of something. Maybe excitement or the feeling of actually being able to talk to people. So i used stupid chat apps and sites, talked with older guys who knew damn well what my age was. I gave them my discord or my Snapchat. And we did some stuff there before I blocked them and moved on.
The entire time i was chasing this "high" that made me feel better and less lonely and worthless. I will admit I liked the attention, i liked being called preety.
There's more, this was all 7-8 months ago since i stopped and its haunting me. Every single day I want to rip off my own skin because I am so absolutely disgusted with myself. I am disgusting. A whore. Attention slut. And knowing that every bit of evidence of it is somewhere.
I got curious and downloaded a file from discord of my own chats. There was every single message I ever sent on there. And thats when I realized I'll never actually be able to escaped my own damn mistakes I made because I was lonely and stupid and couldn't deal with it maturely.
If any of it ever got out, im done for. So why not just kill myself now?
This is so stupid and such a non problem right now but I need to talk about it.
Basically I met up with this guy I knew for YEARS. Since we were very young kids. We liked eachother as kids but nothing came out of it until I moved away.
Then came back, we met up, I begrudgingly went. Thinking "oh, im just going to see him once and then never again like last time" okay. So during this time we flirted a bit back and forth. It was fun but I genuinely didn't think ANYTHING would come out of it.
Well, then he started texting me non stop, and my sibling MADE me respond, and was the one who made me go out with him. Idk, i got the ick when he sent a pic with FOOD on his mouth and has zero grammar.
ANYWAY. I am such a shitty person. But anyway. We hung out more for some reason. I guess I just found myself being unable to say no? Because I felt pressured by my siblings and parents but its really no excuse.
We went out a couple of times. And im sorry, but I am not physically attracted to him. Not my type. Or like, anything else. Im just not attracted to him. I talk to him like a friend.
And he isn't even that bad. He is a little insensitive. Makes fun of a certain part of my life that makes me question why he even wants to date me. Weird. Still not my type.
But he's like, extremely dedicated to this relationship. Texts me every single day, wants to come over every single day. Has me as his lock screen. And it overwhelms me because I didn't even want this and feel like such a bad person for not feeling the same thing as him.
I hate to keep going on about this but I feel obligated to text him. I dont feel "excited" to do it. I dread it. And he deserves so much better than that, truly.
But he has been after me for YEARS. Forcefully kissed me a few years back even when I pushed him away.
And I'm just NOT a touchy person. I absolutely hate being touched.
But I dont know what to do. My parents like him so they'd be really pissed if I broke up with him and so do my siblings.
I just needed to get this out but yes, I am aware that I am shitty.
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ive '18F' known this guy '19M'for YEARS. When we were younger, I liked him alot. But my parents wouldn't let me date him. And then around that time he started to kind of randomly make fun of my homeschooling even though he said he likes me alot.
here's where I feel like an ass, we've recently started talking again after a long time he has been flirting with me, touching me, all that. And I've been kind of doing it back. im kind of awkward and match the person I'm talking to energy. So he says something flirty, I flirt back. kind of. again, im awkward.
and then I realized he probably thinks I want a relationship with him. But I have like this really bad avoidance issue. anytime ive ever been in any sort of relationships, even like friendships, I feel so trapped. its weird and I'm trying to work on it.
but I feel like im leading him on. like I accidentally did it once when I wasnt allowed to date him but he was flirting with me and I kinda flirted back. and then hsd to tell him I couldn't date. Anyway, this is honestly making me really anxious because I feel like an ass.
and also sorry if this story is kind of unclear, im so tired lol.