u/OkSwimming517

While especially when I was younger, I would do things like avoid looking in mirrors, I hate having my photo taken, so it's odd that I do this, considering that I will do a lot of things to avoid thinking about my physical self.

But it's like how when people say they "can't look away from a car crash".

People are so cruel and will say such mean things. It's genuinely suicide fuel, and I have no idea why I even do it. Maybe it's because it almost feels validating, like it's not all just in my head.

It doesn't feel relieving or positive at all though, it can literally make me feel physically sick to my stomach and make me want to cry.

So loud.

It's depressing. Was 22 then, am 26 now. My skin was so clear, my hair looked better.

My face is so fat now...my jaw looks worse. Agh.

I remember feeling ugly when I was very young, I would stare at myself in the mirror.

I remember once when I was a kid, asking my father, upon seeing a photo of him as a kid, asking him why it was that he looked normal when he was a kid, but I looked weird.

Way before that though, when I was like seven years old probably, I remember thinking I looked so hideous and odd...I think. My memories of that time are very blurry. I may be confusing it with when I would look in the mirror as I got to be a bit older and found myself very ugly and inhuman looking. I know I would especially feel ugly when I had a horrible haircut, which I often did.

Either way, I know I was super young when I asked that question, wondering why I looked so weird. I got mistake for being MUCH MUCH younger than I actually was. Now of course, surely everyone can tell I'm old. But it would upset me a lot when I was like 12 and got mistaken for like an 8 year old. I can't recall that actual ages of what I was mistaken for and at what age I actually was, but there were definitely insane ones like that. I specially remember a pretty crazy moment in a barber shop when I got mistaken for being wayyy younger.

I think I remember being content with, or at least liking how I looked when I was around 11 or so? Maybe around 11-13 years old. So I would probably go back and forth with feeling normal vs not I guess.

Actually, I definitely do remember feeling super ugly and weird looking when I was very young. Especially when I would see photos of myself. I had such a weird and disgusting looking scrunched up baby face. Certain features that I don't even want to mention on my face were/are still so uneven. I especially felt awful about it often as I got a bit older, around 14 or so.

One time I was just walking down the hallway in school, in my freshman or sophomore year of high school, and some other kid laughed at me and said "you're so ugly".

tldr; I definitely have memories of feeling ugly when I was still in the single digits of age, but I have vague memories of feeling ugly and inhuman when I was on the lower end of that, but it's hard to recall because I have a bad memory. I think I asked the "why am I so weird looking" question when I was like 7 or 8 or something. Maybe 9? But probably 8. I'm not sure.

I just feel like saying that.

I hate the dumb character requirement. What else do you want me to say? People are stupid, annoying, obnoxious...dumb...stupid...gross, loud, evil. etc.

Unfortunate.

Thought I still take horrible care of my hair, I thought it looked kind of nice today, and also earlier today, I regretfully tried to manually exfoliate my face with a washcloth, which was a big mistake. (It always is, the rare times I try doing that, but I apparently don't learn...)

So my hair and face are pretty messed up. I started breaking out *bad* recently. But underneath all of that it felt like there could be potential. I just wish shaving wasn't so complicated. I feel like light facial hair can look nice on me but keeping it at a short level is so complicated and difficult, rather than just shaving it off completely. Which is also very complicated and can hurt and suck in a lot of ways, but it's not as complicated as trying to trim it down to stubble.

edit: this did not last long

https://preview.redd.it/j5d5oknirj0h1.png?width=1600&format=png&auto=webp&s=51c0aee75193e35e785fcff51cb9b234a977d137

Someone messaged me on here and I decided to respond, which I rarely do (when I get the odd message once in a blue moon)

Yesterday, we were chatting back and forth. Then they asked me if I was a minor, which I found kind of weird. Then they asked if I was "a f*male" (I had to censor that because apparently typing that is...against the rules here?)

Anyway, I responded that I was not. They responded "Oh. Okay." and then ghosted.

Then today, they reached out and explained how they didn't mean to come across as a creep, they were actually a woman themselves, and were saying that they didn't mean to come across as some perv that stopped talking to me because they found out I wasn't a woman (and were trying to see if I was a minor or not), and that what actually happened, was that they were caught off guard to see that I wasn't a woman, and they would've felt more comfortable talking to me if I was a woman.

I, at length explained pretty well as to why that hurt my feelings for unimportant reasons I don't need to bother explaining in this post.

They basically ignored *everything I said*, and just responded with something along the lines of "Well, a lot of guys are creeps and it seems like you're not really looking at this from a woman's perspective".

When I LITERALLY BROUGHT UP AND AKNLOWEDGED THAT IN MY ENTIRE MESSAGE THAT THEY WERE REPLYING TO. But they seemingly ignored that portion, along with literally everything else that I had said.

Why did they even bother talking to me? So annoying.

Part of me is also unsure if they were really a woman, or they actually were a creep disappointed that I wasn't a woman myself, and only reached out to try and save face because it was a bad look? But that would also be odd, because they could've just blocked me.

I say that because the whole interaction was just odd...and it was "ugh".

So obnoxious, bizarre, and frustrating how they just wanted to talk to me, and then they responded to a paragraph that I wrote, almost as if they didn't actually read it? Because I literally acknowledged and included a part in my message where I was like "I get that you would be weary of chatting with a guy on here", and they literally dismissed that, AND absolutely EVERYTHING ELSE that I said, and responded to my message anyway? Why?

Sometimes I'll try to imagine what certain things feel like, but I know nothing I imagine could ever be the same as what it would actually feel like. I try to imagine how magical it would feel to do any of those things with someone I love, even better if I was certain that they loved me back.

It feels like I've just been excluded from fundamental human experiences.

This is torture.

Yeah.

Mainly, I would say I was in it for Ultimate Spider-Man, but Ultimates was my favorite book out of all of them, mainly just because it was more episodic compared to USM.

But ever since I bought Ultimates #23, it's just been...sitting on my desk. I have absolutely no urge to actually read it for some reason.

I think it's partly because I know the whole line is ending?

Not that one should only feel like something is worth reading as long as there is much more to come, but something about the the delays just...eh. Maybe I'm misremembering, and there haven't been that many delays. But it *feels* like Ultimates, and Ultimate Endgame have been delayed so much, it feels like it's been such an unintentionally slow burn.

It sounds ridiculous to consider dropping it NOW, but someone they've kind of just lost me for some reason.

I can barely think.

Yeah.

Everyone chooses to be unnecessarily loud for no reason.

Acne and general texture on my face are the main reasons I pick at it. I know people have low opinions of it but I've been using St. Ives on my face every day (which is way more often than people recommend) and I haven't been getting any whiteheads or anything at all.

I still have some light "scarring" from past picking, like little spots that are a little read and need more time to heal, but other than that my face is more clear than it has been in forever.

It's dumb but I think for years I've just been not using a face wash that properly cleans my face well enough.

Maybe it's mainly the salicylic acid doing the job, I have no idea how much the scrubby stuff in it actually helps, but maybe my face requires daily exfoliation.

I'm not sure if a face wash that doesn't have bits of stuff in it, but still has salicylic acid counts as exfoliation as well, but I haven't tried that yet. I used to use stuff like that when I was younger.

It's so insanely expensive though and I burn through it. I wish it was much much cheaper.