u/OkSwimming517

Her life has definitely improved, she has other people. I don't know.

I definitely don't think we'd ever talk again.

Would she, one day, randomly reach back out to me? I don't see why she ever would, or would, want to. I wonder, even if she wanted to, which would never happen, would she even decide to, or would she assume it'd be too weird?

It's just weird how she's either forgotten about me, or if she every does randomly think of me for a second, she just doesn't really care, or maybe even finds me cringe.

But it's either something negative, or she's totally indifferent to me and has absolutely zero thoughts about me at all, I don't know what would be worse.

I don't think I was ever meant to have a friend like that anyway really, it just wouldn't work for so many different reasons. Yeah.

Yeah.

So what exactly do I *do* with it once it's wet. Can I simply just slick it back with water and then not brush it whatsoever?

Taking a brush to it in any context is such a painful and impossible feeling process, no matter what tips I take into account.

My hair just feels like such an odd, dense nest when it's long.

Even conditioning it honestly feels like I'm doing too much to it. I don't know. I feel like I need a reset.

It's so dumb, especially because I would never approach someone. I'm basically expecting someone to find me special looking/interesting looking enough to approach me on their own, and read that I have 0 confidence and do all of the interaction for me, while understanding that my dry and monotone responses aren't a sign of me being disinterested or bothered.

It's all just so odd. I'm so afraid that if I cut it I'll regret it and feel especially boring. Short hair sounds so nice though.

Today, a random woman went out of her way to greet me and wave at me. Unless she was just being nice to a fellow human for fun, what if she actually did it because she liked how I looked, would she have done that if I had short hair? It hides features of my face and head that are unpleasant.

I want to feel pretty with it but it's so weird and difficult and I take horrible care of it.

It's really hard to describe what I even mean. I spend a lot of time just...pondering about my physical appearance in general. Or I'll look at myself and just feel extreme disappointment and disgust, even if I'm not pinpointing one or more specific flaws, or not even just looking at myself and thinking "wow, that thing in the mirror is so ugly", thought I do all of those things too of course, but I mean on a level much deeper and more vague than that.

It's hard to explain what I mean. Does anyone else understand?

I'm so uncomfortable and empty inside. Just frustrated and angry with my existence. I hate my face so much. I never feel like doing anything alone, like simply watching movies by myself because it feels so empty.

I hate the idea that I'm someone who is only up to doing something like watching something if I'm doing it with someone else, but that's where I'm at now. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. Reading is one thing but it's so hard to actually find to motivation to do that.

When I think about the idea of doing just anything like that, it's so hard to explain the feeling.

I know I'm already wasting so much time, and have wasted so much time, but the thought of just sitting down and watching a movie, even though I want to and love the idea of just watching things for myself, it just reminds me that I'm a complete failure and I'm doing nothing but just rotting.

I already do rot, and yes experiencing media with someone you care about is genuinely a nice and great thing on it's own, it's not that I only enjoy that because it "distracts me" from those feelings or something, it's just so ugh.

I should've experienced so much more by now, but I've wasted so much time not doing things I like doing, because doing those things will remind me that I am just wasting time.

I hate myself so much it's not even funny. I hate my body and my face, my mind, I'm just an idiot. I wish I could do literally anything to make myself feel fulfilled but I'm absolutely useless.

I'm not even good enough to be a cog in the machine, I don't feel capable of doing literally anything.

I'm so uncomfortable.

https://preview.redd.it/xdiv3pz47mhh1.png?width=1600&format=png&auto=webp&s=f5aef8263275f48550d96ddec814d2568123425b

Ow...

There was a grey-ish looking bump on my chin, and when I plucked at it with tweezers, a pretty thick looking hair came out, but there was no "pluck" feeling or resistance, it just smoothly slipped out. Does all of that mean it was definitely an ingrown?

I've gotten an ingrown hair out before but I don't recall if it looked just like a small thick single hair like this one, or if it was like several hairs.

I'm kind of worried that I'm going to fixate on looking for ingrown hairs now and do this more.

I don't know if I got an ingrown from shaving my face with a cartridge razor, or if it just happens no matter what I do or how I shave. I've switched to an electric one that maybe would prevent ingrowns since it doesn't shave super close?

I'm typing too much and not making sense I think, sorry, I just am thinking a lot.

Words of encouragement and advice people give feel like things that would've applied decades and decades ago. The world is so different now.

There was something else I wanted to say, but I forget.

Would I have still ended up as a suicidal failure? Who knows.

I swear it's actually physically painful.

I'm so tired that it hurts. I just feel heartbroken in a way.

Going to bed alone hurts. I used to find comfort in imagining I'm cuddling with my internet-based favorite person, but that can feel extremely bittersweet.

Not because of them of course, but because of me. It just makes me focus even more on my own deep insecurities more than I already do.

I'm so insecure that I literally can't even confidently cuddle with someone, who has told me they love me, in my own imagination.

I can try to cope by listening to internet stories, or a podcast or something.

Maybe I will still try the "imagine you're cuddling with them" thing.

It just gets so old; life.

I can never even tell if I'm actually sad, or depressed or if something is actually wrong, or if I'm just making it all up for attention and I'm just bored.

I have no idea if how I feel is normal. To my mind to be constantly moving, to think about suicide every day, if not nearly all the time. It feels like I literally think about it 24/7.

Not actively planning it, or thinking about the details in any specific ways, but it's just always there, in the back of my mind, and it feels like it's actually constant. It's like a non-verbal "voice" in the back of my mind is there, constantly reminding me.

I know that rule 5 exists; "Help Prevent Suicides", but often, if not all times I've posted about the topic here, it will just get removed after a certain point, even if the post itself, or even any of the comments avoid breaking any of the actual guidelines for the rule, which are:

"Discussion about assisted suicide, how to commit suicide, advocating suicide as a solution or encouraging suicide are not permitted here."

If a post or a comment actually does any of those things, sure, delete it, but please let us simply talk about it here. It's a very real thing that has correlation, and even if it doesn't necessarily, I think you should be able to post about it in this community if it brings you comfort, even if your suicidal thoughts aren't specifically or only correlated to your autism.

If deleting any and every discussion about the topic is meant to be a product of "helping prevent suicides" in general, in my experience, it has a very negative effect. It doesn't feel good to have my posts about it deleted.

Or if it's just that a comment under the post breaks one of the rules and that leads to the whole post being nuked, please don't do that. I haven't personally seen that though so I'm assuming it's the former happening.