u/dustydancers

i have a neurodevelopmental issue in which i struggle with dissociative states and paranoia, public humiliation trauma - this show has triggered so much anxiety for me that ive had a stomach ache and sleeping ao badly for three days. its my worst fears and nightmares come true. is anyone else experiencing severe stress and dysy from coming in contact with this show?

I met this situationship, before I went on a break with my current partner. She was visiting my city, has relatives here who are close friends of mine. We instantly clicked and spent a lot of time together. There definitely was some romance but we never slept with eachother, made out maybe 3 times in the course of 2 weeks.

Before she left we did talk, I let her know that I cannot commit to her or growing our connection as I was on a break with my partner, explaining that my heart is very much still with my partner.

She has left me so many presents before leaving, has been trying to contact me a lot. I’ve not had the time to answer her or properly call her. I also thought I was clear but maybe it wasn’t enough. She just sent me a long voicenote on how she wants to share and tell me everything she experiences, misses me a lot.. That she has never felt so safe with anyone 💔 It’s a lot, we only hung out a few times!

She is coming back in July and actually planning on living here at some point. I do really appreciate her presence, her person and on top of that she is part of a family very close to me (they know of this) - I really don’t want to hurt her but I feel like she is not reading the situation as it is and I am quite worried.

Any advice for me? :/

i am turning 35 soon. i know a lot of people and have quite a few friends and sweet community all around. i am lonely though because i am currently facing financial instability, am quite insecure due to being out of a job, it seriously has been a lot.

i live in a major european city where its normal to do birthday picknicks in the park so i could do this inexpensively. but i just want to hide. i tend to feel pretty insecure and self doubting around my bday each year already.

when i used to be able to afford it i would take a trip by myself around my bday to skip it but have a good time. last year i had a really beautiful one with my closest friends, maybe i dont need one this year.

i dont want to self isolate yet for fear of being even more alone in the future, but i dont want to stress out about my birthday. its been alot this year.

does anybody else not really enjoy or get excited for their birthday?

its funny to realize stuff as: i really never cared for men’s abs but when i see women’s abs im instantly like 🚨🥵🚒🧯

i love good aroma candles but with plantbased wax and natural essential oils. any recommendations? anyone making kickass candles that dont cost a fortune? your hot market stand tip? ive been buying okee, a very small berlin brand but they are like 20€ a piece and im in penny pinching mode. but i still want to give myself a little something nice

I don’t really buy it when femme presenting straights like Demi Lovato say they’re a they ?

bare with me here.

to preface - i am filipino indonesian and raised in germany. maybe needless to say but i experienced a lot of dehumanization growing up, fetishized and exoticized, bullied and hated and all the things.

ive just started dating someone, its been about a month, we vibe so well and id love to grow this connection.

she is the daughter of romanian immigrants in italy, sardegna to be exact. she is also rom.
while she does look quite southern italian, she has also experienced a lot of difficulties growing up due to being romnije.

now, i was totally shocked when i first saw her flat. next to items representing her roma heritage, there was also sardegnan ones. while ive seen the sardegnan flag and seen ichnusa beer labels, i was a bit shocked that she has the flag as an intricate textile, proudly framed and displayed in her home. theres also jewelry i would consider.. questionable and that i associate with venetian style blackamoor such as some bangles and pendants. theres some ceramic tiles as well.

i asked her about this and let her know it immediately makes me feel uncomfortable and that i associate it with dehumanization, colonial history, italian nationalism and so on. she explained that instead of the usual blackamoor fashion of depicting african people in subservient roles, the four moors of the flag are figures in heraldry, a specific context - military heraldry rooted in medieval reconquista symbolism, depicting adversaries rather than servants. its supposedly a proud symbol of sardegnan identity, her home that she misses a lot. she pointed out that i have the filipino flag on different items at home too, a sunstar tattoed as well

i asked her if theres still a large presence of moorish / north african culture in sardegna, there is not. i did some history browsing on my own and to me it seems as if the influence of the moors was primarily through their absence and threat rather than presence and cultural exchange. the flag i interpret to present military conflict rather than coexistence.

so question here - how do i address this with her properly? i would rather learn and grow together, for her to be open to critically examine the actual history behind the symbolism, vs just breaking things off with her and ditching her for being problematic.

I had my first big love with 19 - we said we are soulsisters and one night we got really drunk and had sex and then she never spoke to me again.

During covid I had a full on stay at home relationship with a coworker for a few months, after I quit she ghosted me to get back with her ex.

Ive been crushing on girls since early childhood, something I only understand now.. And even with real experiences, I did not accept the possibility of being gay, I put it off to being an odd glitch in my story.

I’e always been more on the tomboy-ish side, but being considered conventionally attractive I got a lot of male attention. I felt often to have been in a sense ‘persuaded’ to be in a relationship and even though these relationship would last long, we always ended up being better friends instead.

I thought my libido wasn’t so high…

And then I finally, with 34, after a four year relationship (we are besties now lol), went on queer dating apps. Praise the GODS I finally understood what sex is about!!! And 1.5 years ago I fell in love hard 🫠

I wake up next to her and I still feel like crying with gratitude sometimes. When I am with her I am a full person. I didn’t know this even existed, I didn’t know this was missing from my life 🥹 I have been doing so much processing of how I felt in my hetero relationships, how the gendered dynamic made me shrink, be less of myself, made me so disconnected from myself, made me put on a role that I never would’ve chosen for myself. I simply exist and I love, I feel more and more like myself and I don’t ever want to get over this feeling. Yes, I could’ve opened my eyes earlier but I won’t dwell on that because I am happy today.

For anyone out there questioning - do yourself a favor and don’t just reflect on your hetero relationship but the dynamic it puts yourself in. Do you feel like a full person next to a man?

Love you, I wish I could sprinkle gay love bombs on this planet. May sapphic blessings rain down on you today.

💖