u/voidinvelvet

So it's been a few days NC...n guess what ..it's my birthday month, and I’ve been feeling extremely sad about everything that happened. A big part of the conflict was his family’s moral policing, what other people might think, etc. Over time, I also experienced a lot of controlling behaviour, emotional hurt, and repeated threats of leaving whenever there was conflict.

But emotionally, I’m struggling so much. I’ll have these sudden bouts of sadness where I start crying and desperately wish I could just call him. My brain immediately starts imagining that maybe he’ll come back, maybe he’ll realise things, maybe this time it will be different. I hate that a part of me is still waiting and I want to shatter this hope/illusion completely, as painful as it is...I want to stop this rumination.

My mom constantly says these things.. “You’re never going to be happy if you can adjust with me it's gonna be noone. No one listens to you, and you can only show your anger to me.”

But what she doesn't seem to understand is that this is exactly why I struggle so much in relationships.

I grew up in a home where I never really felt emotionally safe. I learned to suppress my feelings, walk on eggshells, and tolerate things because expressing anger or having boundaries would just create more conflict. Eventually, I ended up in a toxic relationship with a man and tolerated things I probably shouldn't have, partly because unhealthy dynamics felt familiar to me.

And now, when I finally express anger or frustration at home, I'm told that I'm the problem because I'm angry with her.

How are mothers able to feel so entitled to their children's emotional availability while completely ignoring what created that distance in the first place?

I'm also at the point where the constant negativity and stress are affecting me physically. I've started dealing with things like thyroid concerns, blood pressure fluctuations, and IBS symptoms, and I can't help wondering how much years of chronic stress and emotional tension have contributed. I know I can't say that every physical symptom is caused by my mother, but living in this environment definitely doesn't feel healthy for me.

I honestly just hope I can move out soon. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to convince someone that I deserve to have boundaries and emotional peace in my own home.

If you’ve ever been with someone outright cruel, leaving is scary, but at least your brain is clear. You know they're bad and you have to go.

It’s a completely different hell when your partner is sweet, helpful, and normal most of the time.

When everything is fine, he’s fine. Because of that, my brain got totally tripped up. I started telling myself: "He’s fine when things are calm. The fights only happen when I bring up an issue. Therefore... I must be the trigger."

.... When you stay quiet, he’s pleasant. The moment you state a boundary or express hurt, the mask drops.

My brain fell into a brutal trap: I speak up -> He explodes. Therefore, I thought I caused the explosion. Im still stuck here.

When someone calmly rewrites reality and tells you you're "in your own head," your memory starts to feel unreliable. You cling to the good days because you want them to be real, which makes you doubt the bad days.

During fights he becomes insanely cruel...When I confronted him, he basically said: Of course I'll keep doing it. If you won't listen to me, why should I be nice?

Im always second-guessing myself because if your partner buys you coffee on Wednesday, but screams at you and threatens to leave on Thursday for having a voice...an issue...an opinion...Idk what to believe anymore..

I’ve been in this relationship for about a year, and my previous relationship was with someone who was openly toxic and treated me badly. It was awful, but in a strange way, it was also obvious. I knew the person was bad, and I knew what I was dealing with.

With my current partner, it’s very different. Most of the time, he’s nice, affectionate. But whenever there’s an argument or I bring up something that has hurt me or something I disagree with, things can completely fall apart.

During conflicts, he tells me that I don’t listen, that I’m the problem, or that I’m making things worse because I’m “creating stories in my head.” I often end up questioning whether my perception of things is actually wrong. The original issue usually never gets properly resolved.

Then, sometimes when I take a stand for myself he threatens me to leave which I'm extremely afraid of ..once I apologize, accept my mistakes, or stop being upset, he becomes completely normal again. Suddenly everything is fine and he’s back to being loving and affectionate, almost as if nothing happened.

That cycle has really confused me because there isn’t constant obvious mistreatment. It’s more like everything is fine until there’s conflict, and then the conflict becomes extremely emotionally intense.

So heres the thing.......

Before this relationship, with the toxic ex I already had some psychological issues, but I didn’t have the same physical/health concerns that I’ve been experiencing during this relationship. Over the past year, I’ve started dealing with things like IBS, thyroid issues (increased tsh) and PMDD.

I obviously don't know whether these things are actually caused by the relationship... But I can't help noticing the timing and wondering whether chronic stress, anxiety, and constantly being on edge could be contributing.

Can this kind of relationship toxicity cause health problems even when there’s no outright abuse like in my previous relationship? Advice would be appreciated.

I had an anal fissure a while ago and got significantly better after my first treatment. My bowel movements were more or less normal again, but recently I’ve noticed that my stool consistency keeps changing.

For the past few months, it’s been going back and forth. Sometimes my stool is completely normal for a few days, and then suddenly the first part is very hard.. After that, I’ll have another bowel movement that is much longer and bulkier but not particularly hard.

Then it gets better again, only to come back after a while.

I’m not currently taking any medication. My diet and exercise have also been inconsistent lately, do i need to avoid junk completely? even dairy?...I’m wondering how much hydration actually matters here.

My TSH came back at 5.42. My doctor advised me to wait and see and didn’t seem too concerned, but yeah I'm anxious..i don’t really have any obvious symptoms, but I’ve been under quite a lot of stress for a while, and my sleep schedule is completely messed up. My vitamin D and B12 are also low.

Now I’m wondering if I should get a repeat thyroid profile and keep an eye on it, or if a TSH of 5.42 is something I should start worrying about?

I've always had snake dreams but right now it's been 2 weeks and I've been having reccuring snake dreams, I've experienced almost every type of snake dream you can image and idk how to get rid of this and why is this happening, it feels like a nightmare and I woke up scared...

My narc mother is extremely controlling...and I'm almost 30. I do rebel and make my own choices, but there’s still this deeply ingrained guilt inside me that makes me question myself afterward.

Even when I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I start wondering, “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I should have listened to her.” The way she reacts to my decisions makes me doubt myself, even when I was completely confident before she got involved... I want to make my own decisions without feeling like I need her approval first. She expects me to include her in basically every decision I make and gets irritated or angry when I don’t.

I know intellectually that I’m an adult and that I’m allowed to make my own choices. I think the difficult part is actually feeling that way internally after years of being made to feel like my decisions are wrong.

How do I gain that trust in myself?

My mother is extremely controlling...and I'm almost 30. I do rebel and make my own choices, but there’s still this deeply ingrained guilt inside me that makes me question myself afterward.

Even when I know I’m not doing anything wrong, I start wondering, “Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I should have listened to her.” The way she reacts to my decisions makes me doubt myself, even when I was completely confident before she got involved... I want to make my own decisions without feeling like I need her approval first. She expects me to include her in basically every decision I make and gets irritated or angry when I don’t.

I know intellectually that I’m an adult and that I’m allowed to make my own choices. I think the difficult part is actually feeling that way internally after years of being made to feel like my decisions are wrong.

How do I gain that trust in myself?

I’ve lived with my single mum my entire life. Growing up was extremely toxic. She had an alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and a lot of my childhood was spent in hypervigilance, fear, and constantly feeling like I had to manage the situation around me.

Now I’m starting to understand the patterns and how much they have affected me. My mom relies on me a lot emotionally and practically, but I’m realizing that I can’t keep living this way.

I recently got laid off, so we’re currently living off my savings while I look for another job. Since then, she has been taunting me day and night about not doing anything, even though I’m actively trying to find work. She has also always expected me to do things for her and treats basic things as though they are my responsibility. Even something as simple as preparing food for both of us becomes a huge issue. I usually cook twice, but lately I’ve only been doing it once because I’m already overwhelmed with everything else.

I feel like she is never genuinely happy for me. Whether it’s my relationship, my happiness, or anything I want for myself, there always seems to be criticism or negativity. But when she wants something from me, it becomes my duty to do it.

I’ve spent years keeping quiet and suppressing my feelings, and recently I’ve started having explosive anger outbursts. I’m also dealing with sleep problems and thyroid issues, and I feel like my body and mind are finally telling me that I cannot continue living in this environment.

I desperately want to move out. I genuinely feel like I cannot heal in this house. But the guilt is overwhelming because I keep thinking, “How can I leave my mum alone? She relies on me.”

At the same time, I’m realizing that staying here just because I feel guilty may mean sacrificing my own mental and emotional well-being indefinitely.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is. How do you deal with the guilt of leaving a parent who relies on you? Is it possible to love and care about your mum while still choosing to move out and build your own life? I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

I’ve lived with my single mum my entire life. Growing up was extremely toxic. She had an alcoholic ex-boyfriend, and a lot of my childhood was spent in hypervigilance, fear, and constantly feeling like I had to manage the situation around me.

Now I’m starting to understand the patterns and how much they have affected me. My mom relies on me a lot emotionally and practically, but I’m realizing that I can’t keep living this way.

I recently got laid off, so we’re currently living off my savings while I look for another job. Since then, she has been taunting me day and night about not doing anything, even though I’m actively trying to find work. She has also always expected me to do things for her and treats basic things as though they are my responsibility. Even something as simple as preparing food for both of us becomes a huge issue. I usually cook twice, but lately I’ve only been doing it once because I’m already overwhelmed with everything else.

I feel like she is never genuinely happy for me. Whether it’s my relationship, my happiness, or anything I want for myself, there always seems to be criticism or negativity. But when she wants something from me, it becomes my duty to do it.

I’ve spent years keeping quiet and suppressing my feelings, and recently I’ve started having explosive anger outbursts. I’m also dealing with sleep problems and thyroid issues, and I feel like my body and mind are finally telling me that I cannot continue living in this environment.

I desperately want to move out. I genuinely feel like I cannot heal in this house. But the guilt is overwhelming because I keep thinking, “How can I leave my mum alone? She relies on me.”

At the same time, I’m realizing that staying here just because I feel guilty may mean sacrificing my own mental and emotional well-being indefinitely.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is. How do you deal with the guilt of leaving a parent who relies on you? Is it possible to love and care about your mum while still choosing to move out and build your own life? I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has been through something similar.

So as I've mentioned before about he fight he and I had a really bad conflict a few days ago where he said some very cruel and hurtful things (for eg; I'll break your ego, idc if you get hurt what about me) ...so I wasn’t able to just get over it and act completely normal afterward, so I became quiet and kept to myself. I just needed some time to process everything.

He got angry that I wasn’t immediately back to normal and became disrespectful toward me. When I called out the disrespect, he basically told me that he would speak to me however he wanted and that if I didn’t like it, I could leave. I was completely exhausted and didn’t argue. I just told him, essentially, “Okay, if that’s what you want.” he ended the call, and it’s now been 3 days and I haven’t contacted him, and he hasn’t contacted me either.

I’m honestly confused and scared. Part of me wants to reach out just to break the tension and stop this horrible uncertainty. Another part of me feels like I shouldn’t be the one chasing after him when he was the one who was disrespectful and told me to leave. And yeah, it's been a pattern, something happens, he either threatens me to breakup or tells me to leave ... I’ve spent so much time blaming myself for our conflicts and thinking that if I just changed my reactions, communicated better, or stayed calmer, things would be okay.

My boyfriend (32M) and I (30F) have been together for a while, and I’m starting to question whether I’m overreacting to a pattern in our relationship.

Whenever we have an argument, regardless of how serious or minor the issue is, he eventually resorts to threatening to end the relationship. It can happen when I’m expressing that something hurt me, disagreeing with him, setting a boundary, or simply taking up space and expecting my feelings to be acknowledged.

Any conversation where he feels challenged seems to turn into some variation of, “Then leave,” “I’ll leave you,” or “If you don’t like it, leave me.”

It has reached the point where I’m afraid to bring things up because I already anticipate the breakup threat. As a result, I often end up backing down, apologising, or suppressing what I actually wanted to say just to prevent the situation from escalating.

I don’t feel like I can communicate openly when I know that expressing disagreement may result in him threatening to leave.

I’m not expecting us to agree on everything. I just want to be able to have disagreements without the relationship itself constantly being used as leverage.

Am I overreacting by seeing this as a serious problem, or is repeatedly threatening to break up whenever your partner challenges you genuinely unhealthy behaviour?

My boyfriend (32M) and I (30F) have been together for some time, and I have noticed a pattern that is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.

Whenever we have an argument..whether it is about something significant or something very minor—he resorts to threatening to end the relationship. It does not seem to matter whether I am simply expressing that something hurt me, disagreeing with him, setting a boundary, or asking him to take responsibility for something. If he feels challenged in any way, the conversation eventually turns into, “Then leave,” “I’ll leave you,” or some variation of a breakup threat.

It has reached the point where I am afraid to express myself because I know that bringing up an issue may result in him threatening to leave. I feel like I have to carefully regulate what I say and how I say it just to prevent the relationship from being put on the line.

The frustrating part is that I am not necessarily asking for anything unreasonable. I want to be able to have disagreements, express anger or hurt, and take up space in the relationship without feeling as though I am risking its existence every time.

Over time, this has made me increasingly anxious and emotionally dependent on keeping the peace. I find myself backing down even when I genuinely believe I have a valid reason to be upset, simply because I am scared of losing him.

I am beginning to wonder whether this is a normal but unhealthy conflict pattern, or whether repeatedly using the possibility of a breakup to shut down difficult conversations is a form of emotional manipulation.

Tl;dr My boyfriend threatens to break up with me during almost every disagreement, big or small, especially when I challenge him or express that something has hurt me. I’ve become afraid to speak up because I feel like any conflict could result in him leaving. Is this emotional manipulation, and how do I deal with it?

a fight happened between me and the narc two or three days ago, and during the argument he said a lot of extremely hurtful things to me. One thing that particularly stayed with me was when he told me, “You deserve it. That’s why everyone does this to you...

That same night, I eventually acted normal again, as I usually do after our fights. I tend to suppress what happened and move on because I am afraid that if I continue expressing my anger or hurt, he will threaten to leave me.

However, over the past two days, I haven't been able to interact with him normally. Somewhere deep down, despite being afraid to confront him, I genuinely feel disrespected and hurt. I have mostly been responding with short answers like “hmm,” “yeah,” and “okay,” rather than engaging in normal conversation.

Today, he became angry about this. He said that for the past two days he had been asking me what was wrong and why I wasn't telling him. The truth is that I have stopped discussing my problems with him because I don't feel that doing so leads to any resolution. I feel that my concerns will either be dismissed, turned into another argument, or somehow used against me, so I didn't feel emotionally safe enough to explain what was bothering me.

Then he said something along the lines of, “Fine, you're not telling me.” He proceeded to hang up on me repeatedly. When I called him back and told him that repeatedly hanging up on me was disrespectful, he responded, “Yeah, I'll be disrespectful to you. That's what I'll do. If you don't like it, leave me.” He then hung up again.

Now I'm sitting here wondering whether I did something wrong. I'm also aware that I have a tendency to eventually become “normal” after these incidents and pretend everything is fine, even when it isn't. This time I couldn't completely do that, and I think my withdrawal made him angry.

So it’s that time again, and I’m feeling incredibly depressed. I hate everything and everyone, I feel like I have no life of my own, and nothing seems to make me genuinely happy anymore.

Funnily enough, the only thing I actually look forward to right now is eating..snacks, chocolates, basically anything comforting. And even that has become complicated because I end up restricting myself because I’m afraid of ruining my diet.

I feel so emotionally exhausted and empty, and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I know these feelings eventually pass, but when I’m in the middle of them, everything feels so hopeless and meaningless.

have been increasingly frustrated with this relationship because I feel that even when I have a legitimate reason to be angry, I am never allowed to actually express that anger. Instead, he becomes angry because I am angry, escalates the situation further, and somehow I end up being the one who has to back down and apologise or acquiesce just to end the conflict.

This has been bothering me for the past few days, so I have naturally become quieter around him. I have mostly been responding with things like “hm,” “yeah,” and “okay,” rather than engaging in normal conversation.

Today, he asked me why I was being so quiet and what had happened. I told him “nothing,” partly because I don't feel safe or comfortable explaining my feelings when I know it could turn into another argument.

Now he seems to be mirroring my behaviour...being distant and giving me the same minimal responses.

I genuinely don't know how to handle this. I don't want to engage in a cycle of silent treatment or emotional games, but I also don't want to keep suppressing my anger just because expressing it causes him to become even angrier.