u/HauntinglyEthereal

would love some insight or advice here.

i'm 30f. i am a lesbian. i have tried to date men and i hate it. i felt as if i was just following a script or what was expected of me. my romantic question to women is not in question.

i do struggle a lot with the idea of sex though, and i'm not sure if it's because i may be ace, or because of other health issues. the idea of actually having someone up that close in my business makes me incredibly anxious. being hit up by potential partners specifically for a sex aspect makes me feel.. idk. gross? turned off? i immediately jump to a 'cool, don't want this interaction, not going to reply,' mindset.

for context i was groom as a child online, pretty extensively. you know, back during myspace days. from the ages of about 8-12. i know people don't think it's a real thing that can happen. you know, 'just turn off the computer!' but it caused a lot of issues in my childhood.

i also had some health issues a few years ago. my bartholin's glands revolted against me. have you ever had an ER doctor cut into you with nothing but a single shot of anesthesia? not fun! i don't know if it would qualify as trauma but i do not feel comfortable about seeing a doctor again. everything has cleared up, i had my procedures, i'm no longer dealing with constant infection or pains... but i do have constant anxiety when anything is ~weird~ and worry that i may be flaring up (despite being 3 years post-op).

i feel like i'm in an awkward spot of 'is it ace or is it medical trauma and insecurities?' i know the obvious answer is to get out there and get some- to put myself out there and just TRY... but i also just feel so uncomfortable and do not want to enter a relationship where the other woman may think i am looking for a full sexual relationship. i also feel icky, like i'm just using her/whoever, fo an incredibly vulnerable and personal thing.

any advice? any tips?

just need to vent. having a hard time. not as hard it was before, but hard nonetheless. for context my (30F) sister (27F) has untreated BPD, potentially other mental health issues, alcohol addiction and likely drug addiction. she has been homeless the past year after physically assaulting our dad and i, as well as other dangerous incidents. it was a decision she ultimately made, and something we accepted due to how unhealthy it was to live together. prior to our dad's death we were no contact for a year.

july 22 our dad died. i messaged her and got no response. eventually the police found her and told her. a few days later, she messaged me. she did say she was worried about me, but not much outside of that in terms of our dad's death. she then went on a random string- i don't know if she was manic or if it was the drugs talking. she wanted to leave our town and go into the next city over.

we live in a mountain town that is typically 15-20 degrees cooler than the surrounding towns off the mountain. in fact, most of the local homeless in our county come UP to our town to escape the heat. where it will hit 105-110F off the mountain, we're typically 85-95F max. i don't want to be dramatic but going into the two closest cities/towns over can be a death sentence for homeless due to the sheer heat and lack of shade/infrastructure.

my sister told me she was leaving town. we had our first voice call in a year. she had respected my boundaries and didn't ask for anything. she told me she met some guy, israel, at church and he was going to let her stay with him for a bit. i asked for the address, his full name, or his phone number. ANYTHING. she involves herself with shady men and one of my biggest fears is her being murdered. i have literally had someone approach me in the grocery store and tell me they fear for my sister because she was rolling with cartel/traffickers. my sister said she'd send me the info, and then... poof. she disappeared. she never sent it. never messages or tried to call me again.

we spoke on the july 25th last, and then nothing. i was grieving our dad hard. i was going through the toughest time in my life. i still am. she didn't respond. while i grieved our dad i worried for her. i get in a state of hypervigilance fueled by my anxiety disorder. she would post once a week on facebook: pictures, a post, a comment... something. but nothing. for weeks.

i grew really worried. i knew if she left our small town she'd be in danger due to the sheer weather as a homeless person. i knew it would open her up to more dangerous people. i knew it would expose her to easier access of drugs. i was in a state of not knowing. i questioned once or twice if i should report a missing person. she did me dirt. a LOT. our relationship will never be the same... but at the time, i have suffered so much loss. first our mom, now our dad. my heart genuinely could not take another egregious loss, so soon and so violently.

then, last night, i found her second facebook page. recommended to me. she wasn't posting often, but she had recently. on august 12th, she posted in our local town's job search facebook page. she was in town still. she didn't leave the mountain. she just... discarded me, i guess.

i know i should have expected it. it's her MO. if you aren't her favorite person, you're her enemy. it's just... very difficult. i worried our dad's death would send her spiraling into a mental health episode or an addiction binge. i don't know if she discarded me because of the BPD. maybe it was out of shame, because of her addictions. maybe it's both.

it's just so hard. not to say it isn't hard when it's a partner with bpd- but if it's someone you've dated, i feel like in some ways, it can be easier to step away. when it's family, it cuts to your very core. you remember who they were as a child. of the good times we had together growing up. of the kid i used to know. i have spent so long grieving her that our dad's death was a shock to me. and even as i grieve him, i STILL worry for my sister.

but she doesn't see that- whether it's the mental health or the addictions. she doesn't see that i literally crushes me to my core. that i cry, often, thinking about her. i think of the broken teen she was. i think of how she'd sit with our mom's ashes and just cry and cry because the BPD could be too much. but then i also think of times like this, where i'm so wrapped up in anxiety and worry... only for her to be living her normal, chaotic life, and not even realize or care.

for context, i'm a norse pagan. i am devoted to freyja. i practice tarot, norse runes, pendulum... but most of these experiences happened years before. please hear me out. i feel like i'm going crazy, but would love to just... i don't know, vent? to see if anyone else has had similar experiences, i suppose.

the first time it happened was about 2018. i kept having a repetitive dream where my dad got in a car accident. we lived near his work at the time, and my uncle worked with him. in the dream my uncle would show up. walk up the driveway. my sister would be in the garage with the door open. i'd be in my room with the window open. i'd hear my uncle tell my sister that our dad was in a car accident and then leave.

after about a half dozen times of having this dream, it happened. exactly as i pictured it. my dad was in the car accident, i was where i dreamed i was. my sister was where she was. my uncle was the one to deliver the message. our dad almost died in the accident. brain trauma, broken neck and back, the works.

after that i was having repetitive dreams about my sister being sick and going to the hospital for surgery. something about her stomach. after having the dream a handful of times, her appendix burst and she was rushed to the ER for surgery.

the most recent incident was after i became a practicing pagan. i had this dream only once or twice, and then just had a really bad feeling intuition wise. it was that my dad would die. that i'd be at work, i'd come home, and he'd die shortly after. it happened a month ago.

with the recent loss still fresh on my mind, i've played back a lot the dreams and feelings i've had. it's been weird. i feel like a part of me is delusional. like it meant nothing- it was just my brain making up the worst case scenarios. that i was just seeing the writing on the wall, that it was obvious something was bound to happen eventually. but i don't know.

has anyone else exprienced anything like this?

i know it's been said a million times before, but this is a rage/vent subreddit about dbd so i'm going to just repeat it once again.

it feels like every time i swap to non-meta builds, i get punished for it. obviously i'm not great at the game if that's the case, but i want to practice and get better without having to use windows of opportunity as a crutch.

it really doesn't help that killers can be toxic about it. downing and then humping or letting you bleed out. keeping you on the ground till the very last second and then mori-ing me. i try not to take it personally. if someone's having a bad day and they gotta act like a douche to feel better, that's on them.

but i understand how frustrating playing killer can be, and thats why i am TRYING non-meta builds. like i know you don't want windows, lithe, resilience every game- so why does it feel like i'm treated WORSE when i don't use it? is it because their egos are fragile and they feel the need to 'dunk' on me if the chase isn't as long as it would have been if i used a meta build?

idk man. it's annoying. maybe drop your fave non-meta builds in the comments. my fave before i took a year-long break was invocation and no mither. feels like i've been getting terrible luck though (map, teammates, spawn proximity to the killer) as of late lol.

Hi, my name is Melanie. I'm 29 years old, turning 30 on the 17th! I'm located in Southern California. To be quite frank, I'm not sure what I'm looking for outside of companionship. Maybe I just need more friends, or maybe it's time I put myself out there and try dating again. I've dated in the past, but it was always online. For the last 7ish years, I was the caretaker for my dad. Family was my main focus, so those previous relationships I was in tapered off. That is no longer the case, and I am now living alone with my two cats and horse-sized Doberman. I am sapphic! I am questioning if I'm ace or just demisexual. As far as age-range goes, I think 25-35 is a fair range that I'm interested in chatting with. (Edit to add: Forgot to add I am fem-leaning as far as style goes! Either that or gender neutral tbh. I like femme clothes but I'm not the type to do a full face of makeup and dress super femme all the time)

Last I checked, I'm like 5'1" on a good day. I guess genetics didn't take a hint and decided it would be best to drop me at the low spectrum of my family's heights. I am plus size, fat, whatever you want to call it— I just want to be up front. I am interested in losing weight and am on that journey. If you're into it, cool. If you're not, that's totally fine too. Either way, just don't get weird about it. Thanks! Other than that, I'm white. Gray eyes. Brunette. I don't mind sharing SFW, regular pics after talking a bit. I just rather chat a bit before sharing selfies, as I've had bad experiences online in the past.

As far as work goes, I do social work for a domestic violence emergency shelter. Not trying to be vague, it's just that I work in an extremely unique non-profit and do not wish to dox myself. I love my job, so much. Because of that, I will not be willing to move. Yes, my skills are transferable to other lines of social work, but my career position is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I'll have to be dragged out kicking and screaming, lol

I don't drink or smoke. Smoking cigarettes is a dealbreaker for me. Drinking isn't a deal breaker for me, unless it's excessive. I've seen enough of it in my life and am not interested in the heartache and exhaustion that comes with people taking it too far. I don't care much about weed, again, so long as it isn't excessive.

Just to list off some of my interests...

• Games: Marvel Rivals, Dead by Daylight, Dragon Age series, Mass Effect series, Baldurs Gate 3, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Resident Evil, Minecraft.
• Music: Ghost, NewJeans, Doechii, Kendrick, Laufey, ic3peak, Gorillaz, Hozier, Aurora. Pretty much anything but country.
• TV/Movies: House of The Dragon, A Knight of The Seven Kingdoms, What We Do In The Shadows, Paranormal Detour. Love horror movies like Obsession, Midsommar, Bring Her Back, Talk to Me, etc. Studio Ghibli, Disney. I do like anime but haven't watched any in years. My favorite back in the day was Inuyasha.
• Hobbies: Other than video games, I am super into horror movies. I love watching movies with friends over Discord. I write fanfiction— I don't care if you think it's cringe. It's a guilty pleasure. I also enjoy writing poetry. I like watching Twitch or catching up on VODs later. I'm not one of those 'watch every stream with a 56-month subscription' type of viewer, though.

If I had to pick three characters to identify with, it would be... Helaena Targaryen from HoTD, Merrill from Dragon Age, and Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls! What about you?

Hi, my name is Melanie. I'm 29 years old, turning 30 on the 17th! I'm located in Southern California. To be quite frank, I'm not sure what I'm looking for outside of companionship. Maybe I just need more friends, or maybe it's time I put myself out there and try dating again. I've dated in the past, but it was always online. For the last 7ish years, I was the caretaker for my dad. Family was my main focus, so those relationships tapered off. That is no longer the case, and I am now living alone with my two cats and horse-sized Doberman. I am interested in men and women, lgbtq+ friendly and trans inclusive.

Last I checked, I'm like 5'1" on a good day. I guess genetics didn't take a hint and decided it would be best to drop me at the low spectrum of my family's heights. I am plus size, fat, whatever you want to call it— I just want to be up front. I am interested in losing weight and am on that journey. If you're into it, cool. If you're not, that's totally fine too. Either way, just don't get weird about it. Thanks! Other than that, I'm white. Gray eyes. Brunette. I don't mind sharing SFW, regular pics after talking a bit. I just rather chat a bit before sharing selfies, as I've had bad experiences online in the past.

As far as work goes, I do social work for a domestic violence emergency shelter. Not trying to be vague, it's just that I work in an extremely unique non-profit and do not wish to dox myself. I love my job, so much. Because of that, I will not be willing to move. Yes, my skills are transferable to other lines of social work, but my career position is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I'll have to be dragged out kicking and screaming, lol

I don't drink or smoke. Smoking cigarettes is a dealbreaker for me. Drinking isn't a deal breaker for me, unless it's excessive. I've seen enough of it in my life and am not interested in the heartache and exhaustion that comes with people taking it too far. I don't care much about weed, again, so long as it isn't excessive.

Just to list off some of my interests...

• Games: Marvel Rivals, Dead by Daylight, Dragon Age series, Mass Effect series, Baldurs Gate 3, Stardew Valley, Animal Crossing, Resident Evil, Minecraft.
• Music: Ghost, NewJeans, Doechii, Kendrick, Laufey, ic3peak, Gorillaz, Hozier, Aurora. Pretty much anything but country.
• TV/Movies: House of The Dragon, A Knight of The Seven Kingdoms, What We Do In The Shadows, Paranormal Detour. Love horror movies like Obsession, Midsommar, Bring Her Back, Talk to Me, etc. Studio Ghibli, Disney. I do like anime, but haven't watched any in years. My favorite back in the day was Inuyasha.
• Hobbies: Other than video games, I am super into horror movies. I love watching movies with friends over Discord. I write fanfiction— I don't care if you think it's cringe. It's a guilty pleasure. I also enjoy writing poetry. I like watching Twitch or catching up on VODs later. I'm not one of those 'watch every stream with a 56-month subscription' type of viewer, though.

If I had to pick three characters to identify with, it would be... Helaena Targaryen from HoTD, Merrill from Dragon Age, and Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls! What about you?

Title: All That Burns is Not Divine

Author: HauntinglyEthereal (me, hi!)

Rating: Mature

Language: English

Length: 5.9k at moment of posting this.

Status: Ongoing

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/89974871/chapters/239078126

Summary:

Born a nameless orphan in the gutters of Flea Bottom, Enid knew she had little chance of surviving the world that had abandoned her. If fortune favored her, she might live long enough to escape childhood; if not, she would become another forgotten soul swallowed by the streets of King’s Landing.

But fate came in the shape of white robes and dragonfire.

Taken into the Dragonkeeping Order shortly after her fifth nameday, Enid was given a new name, Maevyn, and a new purpose. Raised among the keepers of the dragons, she must endure years of discipline and devotion to earn the title of Acolyte — learning the ways of the creatures believed to be the blood and soul of House Targaryen.

Yet in serving dragons, Maevyn may discover that some bonds are not forged by blood nor fire alone.

i'm 29f. i previously lived with my father, and i was his caregiver. because of it, i took a peek here and there at vrchat but never really tried it for more than a few minutes. he passed away last week, and now i live alone and am struggling with isolation. most of my friends live on the east coast. i have some local friends, but they're all co-workers who are way older than me.

i was thinking about giving vrchat a solid try. what is the age demographic, though? i know there's a fair bit of 18+, but am i too 'unc'? i'm also fairly shy, especially right now as i've just have had a rough go this summer.

are there any tips or info i should know? should i find a discord and join through them, or should i just join random worlds?

(edit to add: thank you for all the great responses, i really appreciate! sorry if you dm'd and i didn't reply. i learned my lesson about replying to reddit dms, no matter how nice they seem lol. don't take it personally please!)

having a difficult time and i have no one irl to speak to about this. my first therapy session isn't until friday.

my dad died the other day. i was his caregiver, and admittedly, we were enmeshed. i found him. tried cpr. watched ems do it when they arrived. all that shit. i've been having flashbacks, migraines, crying fits and just struggling a lot ever since. my family has visited once, and they plan to again on sunday, but i'm still having an incredibly difficult time.

i had 5 paid bereavement days. i took it. work said i could use my pto/sick days as well. 40 hours, so i plan on taking off until next thursday. i feel like it isn't enough time though.

i am a case manager at a domestic violence shelter. i'm either hysterical or numb and catatonic. i cannot work in this condition. part of my job involves doing an emergency hotline for dv. i just can't. the hotline, the clients, my co-workers. i really fucking can't.

i texted my boss and let her know i'd be using my sick days for another week off, then my first therapy appt is on friday and we'd go from there. it's been 45 minutes and no reply, and i'm stressing. i don't want to lose my job. i don't think i would, we're a trauma informed emergency shelter, but who tf knows.

even after this next week though, i feel like it isn't enough. like what even is the point anymore? i'm going to talk to the therapist. i'm maybe thinking FMLA for depression. the flashbacks just won't stop. it's 3-6 times a day, if not more. just replaying finding him, flipping him over, touching him while i search for a pulse or breath. all of it.

i feel like two weeks just isn't enough. i don't know. i'm rambling, sorry. i just really want to disappear into my skin.

i'm 29f. sister is 26f. sister is homeless due to untreated mental health, addiction, and alcoholism. she denies the addiction but i have heard from many locals she is on drugs, and she had a charge for it (which the judge dropped but still, it was a whole thing). due to that, along with her being emotionally and physically abusive towards us (death threats, breaking our stuff, assault) we had to ask her to leave. she's been homeless for a year now.

our dad died the other day. it was traumatic. i was the one to find him within 15 minutes of it happening. i did the cpr, called the ambulance, watched the life saving measures. i am traumatized.

i informed my sister. she's bouncing between homelessness and couch surfing. she is understandably upset too. i am worried about her. i don't want her to overdose or spiral more. i want to help her while keeping boundaries. at the same time though she will not accept rehab or therapy, which is required for her to come into my home and stay with me. not a job or anything like that. just rehab before to make sure she's clean, then active therapy. my heart cannot take it otherwise. genuinely. i fear if i invite her back in, i'm inviting back the instability and chaos.

i offered to help her set up a sheet with all the local food bank hours, locations, etc. help her find pet food banks. i offered rehab and she says no, denies needing it. i also offered to try to sign her up for ebt (difficult, since she has no address. i don't want to use mine and show her where i live. if i come home to find my home broken into and my things sold for her addiction, i'd be heartbroken).

does anyone have any tips or advice for navigating this? this is the first time in the year i've opened up contact with her. she tried to call me and i asked her not to, just text only. she said okay and apologized, so that's a good sign.

i'm 29f. sister is 26f. sister is homeless due to untreated mental health, addiction, and alcoholism. she denies the addiction but i have heard from many locals she is on drugs, and she had a charge for it (which the judge dropped but still, it was a whole thing). due to that, along with her being emotionally and physically abusive towards us (death threats, breaking our stuff, assault) we had to ask her to leave. she's been homeless for a year now.

our dad died the other day. it was traumatic. i was the one to find him within 15 minutes of it happening. i did the cpr, called the ambulance, watched the life saving measures. i am traumatized.

i informed my sister. she's bouncing between homelessness and couch surfing. she is understandably upset too. i am worried about her. i don't want her to overdose or spiral more. i want to help her while keeping boundaries. at the same time though she will not accept rehab or therapy, which is required for her to come into my home and stay with me. not a job or anything like that. just rehab before to make sure she's clean, then active therapy. my heart cannot take it otherwise. genuinely. i fear if i invite her back in, i'm inviting back the instability and chaos.

i offered to help her set up a sheet with all the local food bank hours, locations, etc. help her find pet food banks. i offered rehab and she says no, denies needing it. i also offered to try to sign her up for ebt (difficult, since she has no address. i don't want to use mine and show her where i live. if i come home to find my home broken into and my things sold for her addiction, i'd be heartbroken).

does anyone have any tips or advice for navigating this? this is the first time in the year i've opened up contact with her. she tried to call me and i asked her not to, just text only. she said okay and apologized, so that's a good sign.

i know the first answer will be to go to the vet. i can't right now though. i am a mess and am barely holding myself together. my dad passed last night and it was very traumatic. we have a doberman, jack. i put jack out back during the chaos. i immediately brought him back in after but had to go the ER immediately after.

now he's not eating. he won't eat from his bowl. i got him treats, he won't eat them. i can't even get him to go out to potty. he will bark if someone is outside but other than that he's just been laying around. which, is normal for him since he's getting up there in age... but he's typically a vacuum and wants out at night very often.

my dad was the primary 'carer' for jack, i suppose you could say. i worked a lot so dad was the one to take jack on walks. jack and i are close as well, but not as close as my dad. they'd sleep together. share meal togethers (no matter how often i tried to get my dad to not feed him human food), would go out to the lake together.

i'm hoping with time he'll start eating and going potty... but i'm a mess as well and i know he's an emotionally in-tune dog, and is probably feeding off my emotions as well.

again, i'll go to the vet asap (or maybe call a mobile vet since that may be easier)... but i'm just drowning right now between the coroner, the mortuary, the $3k cremation, never ending bills and work.

i don't know what else to say. he was fine when i got home. we talked a bit. he mentioned his sleeping medicine and how he's starting to take it, because he hasn't slept much in the past few days. 30 minutes later and i walk out into the living room and he's dead. now i'm home alone, with needles and trash from the er in the living room, the house a mess, the dog confused. and nothing else. just me. the pets. the lights. and my crying.

i got home from work at 5:30ish. we had dinner. i went to my room to hang out for a bit. he called me, at like 7:15. i called out and asked 'what?' and he said 'screw it, never mind'. 30 minutes later i went out and he was dead. no pulse. the fire department tried for a half hour. the er tried to another hour. they couldn't save him. i wish i had got off my fucking lazy ass when he first called.

mom's dead. now dad's dead. my sister is a fucking homeless addict, and the rest of my family? far, with a dwindling relationship. im in the house alone. everything i work for, everything i did was for him. and now he's gone.

got about 16 hours on jubilee and i'm feeling pretty confident on her. i think she's my 2nd best support character. i am tempted to queue for comp, but i've been pretty much exclusively playing julibee so far. is she still being auto-banned right off the bat? is she getting the gambit treatment?

looking for some real advice. i know there's a lot of valid doom and gloom, but despite how abusive and insane my sister has been, i don't want her dead.

the matter of fact is that i can't have her living with me, maybe ever again. the only way she'd be able to is after rehab, therapy (bi-monthly, or more), and medication. she's homeless now. she's used and abused a lot of the guys who are interested in girls-with-addictions. you know the type. dealers. abusers themselves as well, usually. guys with savior complexes. she's run her limit.

my job works closely with the PD (i'm a case manager at a dv shelter) and i hear things. she's now sleeping behind a bank. she's definitely on drugs. she's spiraled so hard. she tattooed herself all over her face and up and down her arms. you know, meth tattoos. like notebook doodles. the last time we spoke, she randomly messaged me telling me to kys, then i'm going to die alone, etc, etc.

i know what happens to women on the streets, though. especially women on drugs. despite her abuse, she's still my younger sister and i love her. i'd love to see her get better, but it starts with her wanting to. i keep thinking about her. i know her facebook page. not friends, but it's public. she hadn't posted in a little bit over a week. she usually posts once at least every 3-4 days. i was worried.

i initiated contact first for the first time in a year. i just said 'i love you, when you want help let me know. i can find you a rehab or shelter'. tried to keep it basic, but boundaries. no, i can't let you in my home. no, i won't give you money. but i can help in ways i can, without being burned again.

she read it, but didn't reply. it's... something. i don't know if it's because she wants no contact, or if she's genuinely considering it. either way is good, i suppose. she didn't jump to threats. to accusations. to 'kys' comments. it at least is a sign of life. she's alive. not dead. not in jail.

my gameplan if she replies is find her an in-patient rehab, then move her into a group home. again, if she replies. big if. i know it's rare she will, especially when mixing the borderline personality disorder with addiction. but we'll see.

maybe i'm an idiot. maybe i'm asking to be hurt again. i've grieved, and grieved ten times over. i'm just afraid i'll get a call asking me to go to the morgue to confirm her identity. i feel like i'd be a bad sister, a bad person, if i did not extend help in a safe and reasonable way again.

tw: drugs, untreated mental health, addiction, dv.

i feared that my sister would repeat the cycle that was our mom once she reached adulthood, and it happened.

my sister struggled. a lot. mainly with untreated mental illness and addiction. i tried to get her help. she refused. it got so bad. i'm 29f. she's 26f.

when she was 25f she lived with me, and our dad. i paid the bills. dad is disabled and applying for disability. sister didn't want to work. sister wanted to sleep all day, wake up, drink and party all night. my sister got violent. throwing things. cursing. name calling. i remember being called the r-word, and other horrible things. she broke my ipad after she found out i secretly recorded her verbal abuse because i was afraid of her.

one incident, she was pushing into my room. got in, threw my laptop and got right into my face. my dad stepped in and got between us to back her up. she punched in him the face and was arrested. we let her come back if she promised to get help for her alcoholism and her untreated BPD.

then she started to bring men over. random men, usually way older than her. unannounced. sneaking 35+ year old men into our home at 2 am. the home where i pay for everything and she pays nothing, since she refused to get a job. i wouldn't have it. i demanded they leave. they wouldn't. i'd call the cops. cops would say it's okay because she's allowed guests as a tenant (despite, again, not doing anything to contribute).

i'm okay with guests. but random, drunk men who would buy her weed, alcohol and whatever else, at 2 am? randomly? with no notice? while she brings them over to be loud and party with them in the next room over, when i have to be up at 7 am for work? no.

one of her bfs (m) became a permanent fixture. she moved him in without permission. i was so mad. this man has dv charges. IM A FUCKING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CASE MANAGER AT AN EMERGENCY SHELTER. the fucking audacity! i tried to kick him out. she'd call the police. police would say it's okay because he's a guest. i was afraid to say she moved in him because i feared they'd then say he had tenant rights.

she got more violent. more drunk. this man got violent. threatened to k-wordl our dad. she'd cheat on him. break up with him. dated his bff then moved the bff in after kicking him out. then m would show up pissed. broken in once. i had him arrested. then she'd get back in with him. try to move him in again.

that was in a span of a month. it was maddening. i finally had to put my foot down. no men. no alcohol. if she wanted that, she'd have to leave.

so she did. and it got worse and worse. 7 months in i heard she abused m, and he would abuse her back. they were homeless together. eventually he k-worded himself by lighting himself on fire. witnesses reported it was during one of my sister's verbal abuse stints.

months past. she would message me occasionally on facebook. some of her messages, i've copied and pasted here: ' I'm pissed fuck off and die', ' cannot wait until the day karma hits and you're bald and dad's gone and you don't have no f****** sister because I am so done I've tried there's your warning and that's the last shred of a grain of a grain of a grain of a grain of a grain oh wait what's that Windows all erroring'.

nonsense. threats. telling me she wishes i die. these were all random messages from her a year post our estrangement. i replied only twice. once, to offer her therapy. another time to provide her with her ssn.

i hear she's on meth now. she was arrested at one point for giving meth to a minor. 'child abuse with possibility of greatly bodily injury or death'. sad, but i was happy she was arrested. maybe she'd get clean in jail.

the judge dropped the case 2 days later.

and she's back on the street again. she alternates. she spends 60% of the time sleeping on a mattress in the alley behind the USBank. the other time she's with random men. she posts them, sometimes. new boyfriends. most of the time they break up after a week and i'll see the new bf post about being abused or cheated on.

it's sad. it's worse than our mom. i love my sister, despite all she's done. i think about our childhood. i think about the young woman who would sit with our mom's ashes and just cry, and cry, and cry because she was so overwhelmed and so sad. i think of the kid i basically the mom for. our lonely summers together while our dad was away working. our shared grief. of all the good times we had together.

i want to get her help. do you think i want her on the street? of course not. but i can't have her come back home. i can't. i don't want that fear. i don't want weekly police calls again.

but i'm so sad. we have a local facebook group that updates with police scanner info. every week someone in the neighborhood my sister frequents overdose. i feel like i'm just sat here, waiting for the call that she's gone.

edit to add: i just need to vent. i hope this is the appropriate place. i keep thinking of her sleeping out in the cold, behind the bank. it fills me with grief. sometimes i need to remind myself of what lead up to this though. i feel like a horrible sister.