u/Illustrious-Rip-4865

I often see comments like "don't stick your dick in crazy" or jokes about avoiding unstable partners because of bad past experiences. At the same time, I also see men reminiscing about those relationships as some of the most exciting or memorable they've had.

How do you actually view the tradeoff between someone who's fun, impulsive, and sexually adventurous versus someone who's dependable, nurturing, and someone you'd want to build a long-term life with?

Do you think those are completely separate categories, or can the same person be both? And when you look back on past relationships, do the exciting ones stand out more than the stable ones, even if they weren't healthy?

edit: asking because im always the 'wifey' type and i cant deny the urge to be the chaotic fun type, but even if i try i always end up 'wifely' it suckssss

when we werent as serious, he let it slip that i wasnt his best nor craziest experience

it wasnt rude or anything but it was clear

now weve been together for a year

and it just kills me to know ill never be that for him

i asked him today if im still not on the 'scoreboard' (for lack of better term) and he said

'well, i love you, i love what we do, and i love how much you love me'

and then made a pouty face because i was 'comparing myself'

and im upset, and im kinda really turned off and i feel like im a turn off

it sucks, im not the hottest, im not the smartest and i cant even be the best sex, maybe ill just settle for best cook or baker or something

for reference he is the best ive ever had, and im at 3 people, hes in the double to low triple digits (and i know guys lie about this thing but ive seen for myself that its true)

when we werent as serious, he let it slip that i wasnt his best nor craziest experience

it wasnt rude or anything but it was clear

now weve been together for a year

and it just kills me to know ill never be that for him

i asked him today if im still not on the 'scoreboard' (for lack of better term) and he said

'well, i love you, i love what we do, and i love how much you love me'

and then made a pouty face because i was 'comparing myself'

and im upset, and im kinda really turned off and i feel like im a turn off

it sucks, im not the hottest, im not the smartest and i cant even be the best sex, maybe ill just settle for best cook or baker or something

for reference he is the best ive ever had, and im at 3 people, hes in the double to low triple digits (and i know guys lie about this thing but ive seen for myself that its true)

when we werent as serious, he let it slip that i wasnt his best nor craziest experience

it wasnt rude or anything but it was clear

now weve been together for a year

and it just kills me to know ill never be that for him

i asked him today if im still not on the 'scoreboard' (for lack of better term) and he said

'well, i love you, i love what we do, and i love how much you love me'

and then made a pouty face because i was 'comparing myself'

and im upset, and im kinda really turned off and i feel like im a turn off

it sucks, im not the hottest, im not the smartest and i cant even be the best sex, maybe ill just settle for best cook or baker or something

for reference he is the best ive ever had, and im at 3 people, hes in the double to low triple digits (and i know guys lie about this thing but ive seen for myself that its true)

when we werent as serious, he let it slip that i wasnt his best nor craziest experience

it wasnt rude or anything but it was clear

now weve been together for a year

and it just kills me to know ill never be that for him

i asked him today if im still not on the 'scoreboard' (for lack of better term) and he said

'well, i love you, i love what we do, and i love how much you love me'

and then made a pouty face because i was 'comparing myself'

and im upset, and im kinda really turned off and i feel like im a turn off

it sucks, im not the hottest, im not the smartest and i cant even be the best sex, maybe ill just settle for best cook or baker or something

for reference he is the best ive ever had, and im at 3 people, hes in the double to low triple digits (and i know guys lie about this thing but ive seen for myself that its true)

when we werent as serious, he let it slip that i wasnt his best nor craziest experience

it wasnt rude or anything but it was clear

now weve been together for a year

and it just kills me to know ill never be that for him

i asked him today if im still not on the 'scoreboard' (for lack of better term) and he said

'well, i love you, i love what we do, and i love how much you love me'

and then made a pouty face because i was 'comparing myself'

and im upset, and im kinda really turned off and i feel like im a turn off

it sucks, im not the hottest, im not the smartest and i cant even be the best sex, maybe ill just settle for best cook or baker or something

for reference he is the best ive ever had, and im at 3 people, hes in the double to low triple digits (and i know guys lie about this thing but ive seen for myself that its true)

so my boyfriend loves getting me dressed up and picking out teeny tiny outfits

in all my prior relationships, turtle necks and full length shirts were required otherwise id get accused of wanting to cheat and get the silent treatment

so this is a very nice change and i really do love getting dressed up all pretty for him to show off

but i guess i dont understand why? and where else this could go?

is there any other men or women who have this dynamic? what other things can be done in line with this dynamic?

i do have something similar i think, i enjoy picking out outfits for him that get attention from women and i do like seeing women stare at him, im unsure as to why because it also brews jealousy, but i usually just take him home and take it out on him (in the best way lol)

i guess im just curious about this whole dynamic and he is too, so we just wanted advice from anyone else with similar inclinations or interests! thanks in advance!

so my boyfriend loves getting me dressed up and picking out teeny tiny outfits

in all my prior relationships, turtle necks and full length shirts were required otherwise id get accused of wanting to cheat and get the silent treatment

so this is a very nice change and i really do love getting dressed up all pretty for him to show off

but i guess i dont understand why? and where else this could go?

is there any other men or women who have this dynamic? what other things can be done in line with this dynamic?

i do have something similar i think, i enjoy picking out outfits for him that get attention from women and i do like seeing women stare at him, im unsure as to why because it also brews jealousy, but i usually just take him home and take it out on him (in the best way lol)

i guess im just curious about this whole dynamic and he is too, so we just wanted advice from anyone else with similar inclinations or interests! thanks in advance!

so my boyfriend loves getting me dressed up and picking out teeny tiny outfits

in all my prior relationships, turtle necks and full length shirts were required otherwise id get accused of wanting to cheat and get the silent treatment

so this is a very nice change and i really do love getting dressed up all pretty for him to show off

but i guess i dont understand why? and where else this could go?

is there any other men or women who have this dynamic? what other things can be done in line with this dynamic?

i do have something similar i think, i enjoy picking out outfits for him that get attention from women and i do like seeing women stare at him, im unsure as to why because it also brews jealousy, but i usually just take him home and take it out on him (in the best way lol)

i guess im just curious about this whole dynamic and he is too, so we just wanted advice from anyone else with similar inclinations or interests! thanks in advance!

so my boyfriend loves getting me dressed up and picking out teeny tiny outfits

in all my prior relationships, turtle necks and full length shirts were required otherwise id get accused of wanting to cheat and get the silent treatment

so this is a very nice change and i really do love getting dressed up all pretty for him to show off

but i guess i dont understand why? and where else this could go?

is there any other men or women who have this dynamic? what other things can be done in line with this dynamic?

i do have something similar i think, i enjoy picking out outfits for him that get attention from women and i do like seeing women stare at him, im unsure as to why because it also brews jealousy, but i usually just take him home and take it out on him (in the best way lol)

i guess im just curious about this whole dynamic and he is too, so we just wanted advice from anyone else with similar inclinations or interests! thanks in advance!

77,800 miles, bought from enterprise, FWD and 1.5L automatic 4V turbocharge

so my entire nissan kinda crapped out on me, and i get it towed to the dealer

theyre saying i have a head gasket issue, coolant leaking into cylinder 1 and my spark plugs causing this issue

i asked if he dropped my oil pan to check for debris as from my research and calls with customer service can be a common issue linked to this recall

he eventually relents (after a million phone calls and arguments) and is getting the pan dropped

hes saying even if they FIND debris it wouldnt be covered under the warranty repair because of the head gasket

im not sure whats going on but me and my fiance are trapped without transportation (they refused to give us a loner) and are now being told even if they find an engine issue consistent with needing an engine repair they wouldn't repair it

i dont know what to do

77,800 miles, bought from enterprise, FWD and 1.5L automatic 4V turbocharge

so my entire nissan kinda crapped out on me, and i get it towed to the dealer

theyre saying i have a head gasket issue, coolant leaking into cylinder 1 and my spark plugs causing this issue

i asked if he dropped my oil pan to check for debris as from my research and calls with customer service can be a common issue linked to this recall

he eventually relents (after a million phone calls and arguments) and is getting the pan dropped

hes saying even if they FIND debris it wouldnt be covered under the warranty repair because of the head gasket

im not sure whats going on but me and my fiance are trapped without transportation (they refused to give us a loner) and are now being told even if they find an engine issue consistent with needing an engine repair they wouldn't repair it

i dont know what to do

so my entire nissan kinda crapped out on me, and i get it towed to the dealer

theyre saying i have a head gasket issue, coolant leaking into cylinder 1 and my spark plugs causing this issue

i asked if he dropped my oil pan to check for debris as from my research and calls with customer service can be a common issue linked to this recall

he eventually relents (after a million phone calls and arguments) and is getting the pan dropped

hes saying even if they FIND debris it wouldnt be covered under the warranty repair because of the head gasket

im not sure whats going on but me and my fiance are trapped without transportation (they refused to give us a loner) and are now being told even if they find an engine issue consistent with needing an engine repair they wouldn't repair it

i dont know what to do

my boyfriend had to use viagra for like the last 3-4ish years? hes 28 for reference

he was more into the kink lifestyle and never really had a gf before me (not for lack of trying though)

and of his own admission had to use viagra regularly, and even had to use it in the beginning of our relationship because he would just never get boners around me

then somewhere around the 3-4 month mark he started to get constant boners

cuddling? boner

watching me cook dinner? boner

im folding laundry? boner

then around the 6 month mark i noticed his bag was expired and i asked him if he ordered more, he said he doesnt need them anymore

i asked why, and he just shrugged

has this ever happened to anyone else? sometimes i struggle with insecurity and anxiety around my attractiveness and this made me have so many questions cuz ive just never heard of it! definitely felt good but also has me genuinely wondering if it has anything to do with me?

eternally dooming someone to being second best to soothe your loneliness is stupid and fucked up

especially if you do so and watch porn exclusively of your type

like GO BE WITH THEM YOU CLEARLY FUCKIN WANT EM

jesus

my boyfriend said he likes to look for porn videos with guys who look like him so it 'feels more real'

is that normal? do all guys do that?

it makes me feel kinda icky, like hes watching all these video's imaging hes the one doing it, i thought it was just the act itself that got guys going, is it imagining being with them that they really want?

knowing this idk how to continue being with him, i don't imagine myself with others but for him its no big deal, maybe there's something wrong with me but im very hurt

my boyfriend said he likes to look for porn videos with guys who look like him so it 'feels more real'

is that normal? do all guys do that?

it makes me feel kinda icky, like hes watching all these video's imaging hes the one doing it, i thought it was just the act itself that got guys going, is it imagining being with them that they really want?

and if you werent before, but then became okay with it, id be curious about those perspectives too

*fat fingered my original question 🙄 meant to say why are you okay with porn

I'm curious about the underlying mechanisms rather than advice for a specific situation.

Some people seem to interpret not being a partner's "usual type," knowing their partner is attracted to other people, or knowing they consume pornography as evidence that they're "less than" or that they're being settled for. They may feel they need to be the most attractive person in their partner's eyes for the relationship to feel emotionally safe, and anything less can trigger feelings of inadequacy or emotional withdrawal.

What psychological processes tend to drive this? Is it more commonly associated with attachment styles, self-esteem, perfectionism, black-and-white thinking, contingent self-worth, or something else?

How would a therapist conceptualize this pattern, and what evidence-based approaches are typically used to help someone become more secure?

Whenever people explain how they choose porn, the most common answer is that they're looking for physical features they find sexually appealing. Whether it's body type, facial features, hair color, race, height, breast size, muscle definition, or something else, people generally seek out what visually turns them on.

If that's true, then I don't understand how someone can claim to be physically attracted to their partner if their partner possesses none of the features they regularly seek out. I'm not talking about someone occasionally watching something different for novelty. I'm talking about a consistent pattern where the people they choose to look at share physical traits that their partner simply doesn't have.
My view is that physical attraction has to be based, at least in part, on someone's appearance. If your partner's appearance never overlaps with what you actively seek out for sexual arousal, then it seems difficult to argue that you're genuinely attracted to them physically.

I understand that attraction isn't purely visual. Personality, emotional connection, compatibility, shared experiences, and love all play major roles in a healthy relationship. Someone can absolutely love another person, enjoy spending time with them, and choose to build a life together because of those qualities.

What I'm questioning is the physical aspect specifically.

If your partner doesn't have a single feature that you consistently find sexually exciting when you're choosing visual stimulation, isn't that evidence that your physical attraction lies elsewhere? It seems like emotional attraction and physical attraction are being treated as interchangeable, when I think they're separate things.

To me, saying "I love them for who they are" isn't the same as saying "their appearance genuinely turns me on." Those can coexist, but they don't have to.

From my perspective, if someone stays with a partner they're emotionally compatible with while lacking genuine physical attraction, that sounds more like settling than full attraction. It doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy or that the relationship is doomed, but it does mean they're prioritizing other qualities over physical desire.
I'm open to changing my view if there's evidence that porn preferences don't accurately reflect what people are physically attracted to in real life. Specifically, I'd like to understand how someone can consistently seek out one set of physical traits for sexual arousal while still being genuinely physically attracted to a partner who shares none of those traits. Are porn preferences simply a fantasy disconnected from real-life attraction, or is there another explanation I'm missing?