u/Outside_Raspberry512

Im 19, nb, pan, and ace and my life feels like a shit show. I’ve been holding this all in for a while and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. This will be pretty long but I need someone to read it so I feel less alone.

So no surprise my family is kinda weird about queer stuff. Ranging from confused to downright dangerous and bigoted with religious and political views to back it all up.

I tried coming out to my parents when I was in highschool and I thought it would be ok but it turns out that they only tolerated the gays and lesbians on a surface level. Anything beyond that was wayyyyyyy too much for them. They had a meltdown over pronouns (especially they them ones) and thought me being pan and ace meant I was interested in animals or something (where tf did that come from?) or had been sexually abused and turned out as a weird prude.

My dads agnostic so he didn’t really have a religious angle on it. He just felt more hurt I would reject my name he gave me and do the whole extremist political thing of having they them pronouns. My deadname was honoring someone important in the family. And I thought my mom being Buddhist and all would be at least a little progressive but she weirdly made it religious saying I needed to practice more Bushism to get in touch with the universe. That way the universe could help me figure out my internal shit so I wouldn’t be confused about my gender or sexuality.

Either way they didn’t get it and so my only recourse was to pack it all up and make it seem like a crazy teenage phase and revert back to their closeted cis daughter who was at the Least bit only gay.

Then I’ve seen my extended family have the whole eww trans people are weird and sinful and pedos thing because they are hella Christian. My aunt especially, to the point she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and was one of the people saying the Olympics was “blasphemous and full of transvestites” a few years ago. she has a lot of semi uninformed conservative religious views. Because of this and the way I’ve seen her discuss trans people I haven’t come out to my extended family as anything at all.

Even worse is my uncle on my mom’s side. He’s conservative and has been feeding my mom a lot of anti trans political takes about how the trans people are pedos and looking to brainwash the kids and that their sneaking to to the wrong bathrooms and whatever else. I don’t exactly know how deep it goes for him but clearly he’s bigoted. But It makes me just anxious to be around anyone like that so I kinda tune him out when he gets going.

Him and my mom have a great relationship so she listens to him fairly easily. But She’s also the type to be easily swayed by stuff without using much critical thinking or fully understanding all the facts and science. She’s gotten hooked into mlm scams before on Facebook and uses chat gpt a lot. She even follows a lot of pseudoscientific health stuff about supplements and diet fads. so if that tells you anything about her then obviously my uncle is a bad influence seeing how truly gullible she is. Currently she’s taking a little too easily to his ideas and I slowly see her falling down the anti queer rabbit hole.

Either way all of this amounts to me feeling like shit and like I can’t live. I currently have no friends and never even dated and I know if I wanted to have fulfilling romantic or platonic relationships I would need to be honest about who I am and stop reverting to using my deadname and calling myself a cis girl. But that also comes at the cost of the people I know lashing out at me if they caught wind of any of that. Same goes if I just keep putting these things off. People will eventually ask why I’m not dating or why I have no friends and then I either suffer the internally hurtful consequences of lying about why or out myself and face the backlash.

Having come out before I know how much it hurt me to deal with the backlash. I know it would just tear me apart and send me spiraling into depression and anxiety again perhaps even worse than before. But I don’t know what else to do but stay closeted because my future rests on being the perfect person my parents know me as.

My parents look to retire in a nice house out in the country and want it to be mine when they pass. That way I can be successful in this time where the economy sucks and it’s rare to have a house. They currently are letting me use their apartment in a good city as a place to live while I study in college. I currently have their old car that they gave to me as a highschool graduation present. They know people in the creative fields I want to get into for a future job (writing and animation). I can’t just instantly transition or be my true self without hoards of backlash and it disrupting my life.

But the truth is I feel like a lonely shell of myself and the thought of the future makes me scared. all I see in my future is getting a relationship and being myself but I fear their reactions if I had a non typical relationship with someone gender queer or I found friends that would respect my name and pronouns. I fear also not doing any of that and then having to explain myself when people finally start to wonder what the fuck is going on.

I don’t even know if therapy would fix this or what I should do. but the weight of trying to dodge the bigotry of those I know is becoming inescapable. I don’t know how to deal with it without either feeling alone or being afraid of it upending my entire life.

Please, if you’ve read this far and have any advice then let me know. The stress is just eating me alive.

I’ve been holding this all in for a while and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. This will be pretty long but I need someone to read it so I feel less alone.

So no surprise I’m queer(yeah we get it this is the sub for that shit) and my family is kinda weird about queer stuff. Ranging from confused to downright dangerous and bigoted with religious and political views to back it all up.

I tried coming out to my parents when I was in highschool and I thought it would be ok but it turns out that they only tolerated the gays and lesbians on a surface level. Anything beyond that was wayyyyyyy too much for them. They had a meltdown over pronouns (especially they them ones) and thought me being pan and ace meant I was interested in animals or something (where tf did that come from?) or had been sexually abused and turned out as a weird prude.

My dads agnostic so he didn’t really have a religious angle on it. He just felt more hurt I would reject my name he gave me and do the whole extremist political thing of having they them pronouns. My deadname was honoring someone important in the family. And I thought my mom being Buddhist and all would be at least a little progressive but she weirdly made it religious saying I needed to practice more Bushism to get in touch with the universe. That way the universe could help me figure out my internal shit so I wouldn’t be confused about my gender or sexuality.

Either way they didn’t get it and so my only recourse was to pack it all up and make it seem like a crazy teenage phase and revert back to their closeted cis daughter who was at the Least bit only gay.

Then I’ve seen my extended family have the whole eww trans people are weird and sinful and pedos thing because they are hella Christian. My aunt especially, to the point she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and was one of the people saying the Olympics was “blasphemous and full of transvestites” a few years ago. she has a lot of semi uninformed conservative religious views. Because of this and the way I’ve seen her discuss trans people I haven’t come out to my extended family as anything at all.

Even worse is my uncle on my mom’s side. He’s conservative and has been feeding my mom a lot of anti trans political takes about how the trans people are pedos and looking to brainwash the kids and that their sneaking to to the wrong bathrooms and whatever else. I don’t exactly know how deep it goes for him but clearly he’s bigoted. But It makes me just anxious to be around anyone like that so I kinda tune him out when he gets going.

Him and my mom have a great relationship so she listens to him fairly easily. But She’s also the type to be easily swayed by stuff without using much critical thinking or fully understanding all the facts and science. She’s gotten hooked into mlm scams before on Facebook and uses chat gpt a lot. She even follows a lot of pseudoscientific health stuff about supplements and diet fads. so if that tells you anything about her then obviously my uncle is a bad influence seeing how truly gullible she is. Currently she’s taking a little too easily to his ideas and I slowly see her falling down the anti queer rabbit hole.

Either way all of this amounts to me feeling like shit and like I can’t live. I currently have no friends and never even dated and I know if I wanted to have fulfilling romantic or platonic relationships I would need to be honest about who I am and stop reverting to using my deadname and calling myself a cis girl. But that also comes at the cost of the people I know lashing out at me if they caught wind of any of that. Same goes if I just keep putting these things off. People will eventually ask why I’m not dating or why I have no friends and then I either suffer the internally hurtful consequences of lying about why or out myself and face the backlash.

Having come out before I know how much it hurt me to deal with the backlash. I know it would just tear me apart and send me spiraling into depression and anxiety again perhaps even worse than before. But I don’t know what else to do but stay closeted because my future rests on being the perfect person my parents know me as.

My parents look to retire in a nice house out in the country and want it to be mine when they pass. That way I can be successful in this time where the economy sucks and it’s rare to have a house. They currently are letting me use their apartment in a good city as a place to live while I study in college. I currently have their old car that they gave to me as a highschool graduation present. They know people in the creative fields I want to get into for a future job (writing and animation). I can’t just instantly transition or be my true self without hoards of backlash and it disrupting my life.

But the truth is I feel like a lonely shell of myself and the thought of the future makes me scared. all I see in my future is getting a relationship and being myself but I fear their reactions if I had a non typical relationship with someone gender queer or I found friends that would respect my name and pronouns. I fear also not doing any of that and then having to explain myself when people finally start to wonder what the fuck is going on.

I don’t even know if therapy would fix this or what I should do. but the weight of trying to dodge the bigotry of those I know is becoming inescapable. I don’t know how to deal with it without either feeling alone or being afraid of it upending my entire life.

Please, if you’ve read this far and have any advice then let me know. The stress is just eating me alive.

I’m 19 failing half my college classes and looking for a way out of this mess i got myself into. My parents are lucky enough to have healthcare through my moms wor. But it only it covers me if I show that I’m a full time student but i just got dropped from 2 classes and need to get my shit together. I don’t have enough class units for healthcare and if i give my parents the pdf of my school schedule they will finally see i got dropped from a few classes and am practically failing. But they are on my ass rn about giving them the pdf to submit and even if I did I still wouldn’t get the care because I’m failing so badly and I’m not full time.

I’ve been lying to them this whole time that everything is ok but I feel so depressed though and it’s not helping that i just can’t find it in me to get my work done. I have like 30 missed assignments and i feel like dropping out but I know they would hate me if I did that. They are insistent that i find it within myself to go to school full time so I do t end up with medical debt from not having insurance. they say im lucky enough to not have to struggle like they did and would probably berate me into the ends of the earth if they ever found out i am failing. I don’t know what to do and i just feel sick to my stomach right now about my life. I don’t know how I let myself fall behind but i did. It probably doesn’t help that I’m high functioning autistic. I have insane issues with time management and executive dysfunction but I feel so stressed and awful getting help because ideally I’d be able to figure my life out and wouldn’t need disability services from my college. Also I seems so non autistic that it feels horrible getting services. Like I feel like I don’t even deserve them.

And i have the thought lately that i just am so anxious i want to die but i feel scared at the thought of actually doing that. So I don’t really even act on it or want to act on it. I just kinda hope something will come and kill me. Everything hurts right now and my body hurts and i cant think. I can’t breathe i feel suffocated and sick and I don’t know what to do. My life feels like a nightmare.

I feel like my best bet at this point is to go and get therapy through my college but even that feels so bad. Like I feel like I’m only pushing my work away in favor of digging myself out of my depression and and but if I don’t talk to someone I go can help me I feel like a mess.

Everyone is so quick to point out the trap and gospel influences on their music but before and after the first chorus on caramel the beat is hella regatón. From the lines “wear me out like Prada” up to “is it going good in the garden” the regatón sound comes in. Then it comes in again from the lines “too young to get bitter over it all” to “maybe I didn’t” Like it even has the signature drumbeat of the regatón music but the second part mixes in a marching snare sound that helps it merge into the metal breakdown so flawlessly. It feels so unique and fun and adds a lot of variety to their genre bending sound. Need me more regatón token. Unexpectedly Great genre combo of metal and regatón

This is long as hell. I don’t expect anyone to read it all but hopefully im not alone. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Im only 19 but I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I said I’d become an animator but I feel hesitant about making that my goal in life. Look at how that industry is going. It’s going down the toilet haha. Fuck I’m studying to be an animator at the college I’m going to but I’ve fallen behind on all my work in my classes and I have like 20 missed assignments. And it’s funny because I have chunks of days where I feel happy and fine and realy it’s all because I’m ignoring the real problems in my life.

And I feel like just quitting at everything sometimes. I had a job before that was kinda ok until my boss went and screwed it over cutting all my hours and paying me noting because everyone suspected she was using company funds for who knows what, so I quit. And now I’m unsure of what I’m doing in life because I’m unemployed, living with my parents and not even making enough to cover my share of the rent anymore. I’m fucked.

I’ve been lying to everyone that my school life is fine but so behind on all my work. And I’m anxious to go to my classes because of that. Having panicked attacks in the bathroom before class type of nervous. Showing up late for class or calling in sick type of nervous. I haven’t even signed up yet for next semester’s classes and I missed my enrollment deadline.

And my dad’s been such a jerk lately. Especially to the women in his life. He makes every little problem sound like it’s the end of the world and takes it out on me and my mom but he doesn’t even fix it himself. I see how he treats my mom just sitting at the table micromanaging her cleaning the kitchen like she doesn’t know anything and can’t figure out how to dry the plates or where something goes.

And yet he has the gall to just leave his dirty dishes and pots lying around after he cooks and eats. He has the gall to leave his clothes in the bathroom and not even clean the kitchen himself. He has the gall to say me or my mom can’t have a say when he decides on how to fix up our house like we don’t know anything about renovating and has the gall to say we would be micromanaging him. We might be micromanaging and honestly we’re human sometimes, we overstep. but he has no right to micromanage us and overstep either. Especially if we know what we are doing to keep our place running and don’t need to have it mansplained while he sits there watching.

Hell and don’t even get me started on how he touts it around like it’s funny that he’s an asshole. He literally calls himself one with his friends like it’s a fun nickname. It’s just his way of justifying that if there’s a problem he can be loud and aggressive about it rather than calmly discussing it in a diplomatic manner. He just talks so harshly sometimes and uses all of these threats.

I was trying to set up a printer the other day and he yelled at me when I explained everything I was doing that he asked for because he was obviously getting impatient. And then he had the gall to say I was talking back and that in his day I would get slapped for that. Or there was a time I was clearing out a room for some work he was doing and when he criticized how I was doing it he had the gall to call me stupid. Sure I wasn’t being the most efficient about my organization but to make feel like an idiot? To call me stupid and act like I know nothing? Really?

And then say he doesn’t like something because of his own personal taste. he just gets so vocal about it to the point he’s rubbing it into everyone’s face making them feel bad instead of politely declining and making his own plans. I made a soup the other day for dinner and he hated it saying he was going to make himself something else. Yet he then had to go and dump it down the sink in front of me and my mom at the table. I already calmly told him he could do what he wanted instead of eating it.

So all of this to say I dread the future because if I actually become who want to be and do what I want I know he’ll pitch a fit and refuse to live with it. I’m nonbinary ace and pan and the closest my parents are to understanding queer stuff is being okay with gays and lesbians and that’s it. And the rest of my family is hella religious. So god forbid I grow up and get into any other type of queer relationship or finally transition. I’ll fall apart under the stress of trying to explain it to everyone and all hell will beak loose. My parents will say my name is oh so special and I was named after someone important and using pronouns is too hard for them and why would I change myself so drastically. And why am I being such a prude I need to grow up (I’m not a prude just ace). They already blew up when I came out to them the first time when I was 14 and so I packed it all away and acted like that never happened and I’m still their straight little daughter. So now if I tell them it has always been the way they don’t want it to be all this time then all hell will break even more loose.

And I can’t stand the thought of the future because I know it’s so hard to be who I am without retaliation and I don’t know where I’m going in life. if I ever admit that I’m failing school I’ll get lashed out at for having it easy and still living with them. And I say I love my parents but I hesitate to say that sometimes because if they knew who I really was they wouldn’t even like me. Not to mention that I have no friends and being autistic doesn’t help me connect with anyone any easier.

But it sucks that I have no choice but to stick with it and tough out my family and school life as if everything is all fine. I have to act as if I’m not someone they hate because my parents promised me their old car and their apartment when they finally retire as all mine. they have a modest house they bought in the countryside that they will retire in and want to be mine. That way when I grow up and they die I’ll still have a roof over my head.

And dispite all of this my dad keeps saying oh he didn’t fuck me up and I never became a druggie or had a teen pregnancy or did some stupid shit in Highschool. But he did fuck me up and continues to fuck me up. He’s berating me sometimes untill I cry and acting like he can ignore who I really am in favor of me being his “daughter” and that he can be sexist as hell to me and my mom because we’re the “women in his life” . I’m not a woman and women don’t even deserve any of this even if they are women.

I feel like one day when ignoring all this shit to be happy for a moment gets too hard to do, when I dip back into not feeling ok again, I’ll snap. Like not just cry and feel like an idiot snap. Like something worse snap. I already have thoughts sometimes that I just don’t want to grow up and I’m not ready to face the world but damn does thinking that way make me feel like I’m too privileged to think like that. Like I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps and be an adult. but adult life is hard and confusing and tiring. And every once in a while I’ll feel depressed for a day or a contemplating everything. then it will pass and I’ll turn numb enough to it all that I can ignore it to feel something. It makes me so tired to be in this cycle of being ok then being not. I’m just so tired all the time

I’m just so tired.

This is long as hell. I don’t expect anyone to read it all but hopefully im not alone. If you do read it all then thanks I guess. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Im only 19 but I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I said I’d become an animator but I feel hesitant about making that my goal in life. Look at how that industry is going. It’s going down the toilet haha. Fuck I’m studying to be an animator at the college I’m going to but I’ve fallen behind on all my work in my classes and I have like 20 missed assignments. And it’s funny because I have chunks of days where I feel happy and fine and realy it’s all because I’m ignoring the real problems in my life.

And I feel like just quitting at everything sometimes. I had a job before that was kinda ok until my boss went and screwed it over cutting all my hours and paying me noting because everyone suspected she was using company funds for who knows what, so I quit. And now I’m unsure of what I’m doing in life because I’m unemployed, living with my parents and not even making enough to cover my share of the rent anymore. I’m fucked.

I’ve been lying to everyone that my school life is fine but so behind on all my work. And I’m anxious to go to my classes because of that. Having panicked attacks in the bathroom before class type of nervous. Showing up late for class or calling in sick type of nervous. I haven’t even signed up yet for next semester’s classes and I missed my enrollment deadline.

And my dad’s been such a jerk lately. Especially to the women in his life. He makes every little problem sound like it’s the end of the world and takes it out on me and my mom but he doesn’t even fix it himself. I see how he treats my mom just sitting at the table micromanaging her cleaning the kitchen like she doesn’t know anything and can’t figure out how to dry the plates or where something goes.

And yet he has the gall to just leave his dirty dishes and pots lying around after he cooks and eats. He has the gall to leave his clothes in the bathroom and not even clean the kitchen himself. He has the gall to say me or my mom can’t have a say when he decides on how to fix up our house like we don’t know anything about renovating and has the gall to say we would be micromanaging him. We might be micromanaging and honestly we’re human sometimes, we overstep. but he has no right to micromanage us and overstep either. Especially if we know what we are doing to keep our place running and don’t need to have it mansplained while he sits there watching.

Hell and don’t even get me started on how he touts it around like it’s funny that he’s an asshole. He literally calls himself one with his friends like it’s a fun nickname. It’s just his way of justifying that if there’s a problem he can be loud and aggressive about it rather than calmly discussing it in a diplomatic manner. He just talks so harshly sometimes and uses all of these threats.

I was trying to set up a printer the other day and he yelled at me when I explained everything I was doing that he asked for because he was obviously getting impatient. And then he had the gall to say I was talking back and that in his day I would get slapped for that. Or there was a time I was clearing out a room for some work he was doing and when he criticized how I was doing it he had the gall to call me stupid. Sure I wasn’t being the most efficient about my organization but to make feel like an idiot? To call me stupid and act like I know nothing? Really?

And then say he doesn’t like something because of his own personal taste. he just gets so vocal about it to the point he’s rubbing it into everyone’s face making them feel bad instead of politely declining and making his own plans. I made a soup the other day for dinner and he hated it saying he was going to make himself something else. Yet he then had to go and dump it down the sink in front of me and my mom at the table. I already calmly told him he could do what he wanted instead of eating it.

So all of this to say I dread the future because if I actually become who want to be and do what I want I know he’ll pitch a fit and refuse to live with it. I’m nonbinary ace and pan and the closest my parents are to understanding queer stuff is being okay with gays and lesbians and that’s it. And the rest of my family is hella religious. So god forbid I grow up and get into any other type of queer relationship or finally transition. I’ll fall apart under the stress of trying to explain it to everyone and all hell will beak loose. My parents will say my name is oh so special and I was named after someone important and using pronouns is too hard for them and why would I change myself so drastically. And why am I being such a prude I need to grow up (I’m not a prude just ace). They already blew up when I came out to them the first time when I was 14 and so I packed it all away and acted like that never happened and I’m still their straight little daughter. So now if I tell them it has always been the way they don’t want it to be all this time then all hell will break even more loose.

And I can’t stand the thought of the future because I know it’s so hard to be who I am without retaliation and I don’t know where I’m going in life. if I ever admit that I’m failing school I’ll get lashed out at for having it easy and still living with them. And I say I love my parents but I hesitate to say that sometimes because if they knew who I really was they wouldn’t even like me. Not to mention that I have no friends and being autistic doesn’t help me connect with anyone any easier.

But it sucks that I have no choice but to stick with it and tough out my family and school life as if everything is all fine. I have to act as if I’m not someone they hate because my parents promised me their old car and their apartment when they finally retire as all mine. they have a modest house they bought in the countryside that they will retire in and want to be mine. That way when I grow up and they die I’ll still have a roof over my head.

And dispite all of this my dad keeps saying oh he didn’t fuck me up and I never became a druggie or had a teen pregnancy or did some stupid shit in Highschool. But he did fuck me up and continues to fuck me up. He’s berating me sometimes untill I cry and acting like he can ignore who I really am in favor of me being his “daughter” and that he can be sexist as hell to me and my mom because we’re the “women in his life” . I’m not a woman and women don’t even deserve any of this even if they are women.

I feel like one day when ignoring all this shit to be happy for a moment gets too hard to do, when I dip back into not feeling ok again, I’ll snap. Like not just cry and feel like an idiot snap. Like something worse snap. I already have thoughts sometimes that I just don’t want to grow up and I’m not ready to face the world but damn does thinking that way make me feel like I’m too privileged to think like that. Like I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps and be an adult. but adult life is hard and confusing and tiring. And every once in a while I’ll feel depressed for a day or a contemplating everything. then it will pass and I’ll turn numb enough to it all that I can ignore it to feel something. It makes me so tired to be in this cycle of being ok then being not. I’m just so tired all the time

I’m just so tired.

So I know the teeth of god comic basically implied sleep is this tentacled moon god. Yet based on some fan theories i have also read I now see it as sleep is embodied by the lyrics themselves and each person they talk about. In some songs it’s a toxic relationship with a girl and I think that’s the best way vessel can explain the situation. Sometimes it’s just kinda toxic no explanation.

Then, since sleep is partially who vessels character is, cause vessel is basically embodied by sleep, whoever vessel is who sleep is. Also some people use he him pronouns for sleep and I think that’s makes as much sense as saying sleep is this toxic girl.

I guess what I mean is I think sleep is sort of this genderless being. A being using any and all pronouns and basically being any gender and yet nothing at all. perhaps genderfluid in some regards (slightly genderqueer read on sleep ig but im nonbinary so the mixed way people refer to sleep stands out to me). I think it makes sense since we have no concrete idea of who sleep is beyond this almost abstract concept tied to a name.

And I feel like the way these songs tie back to the lore take on many different relationships so sleep is kinda everything and nothing.

Idk I’m rambling and feel free to hate my take on it all haha. But it’s what I get from having listed to their full discography a million times.

Every time I post to this specific sub my post gets instantly taken down. I made a post there a month ago that was approved and actually got a lot of upvotes. But now for some reason every post I make gets taken down the minute I post it. I have enough karma and I’m following the sub rules to a t. I don’t get it! I was able to post before and now i can’t?