u/fluttershy_rainboom

I mean, the caption basically says it all. I’ve been wondering about this and I’ve been putting off things that I want to do, like starting community college and starting a new hobby that I’ve been wanting to try. I don’t know if I’m really even at a big risk, and I don’t think I’ve really seen much about black people commonly running into any issues. But I know there’s a small percentage of people being profiled even as a black person (like being haitian etc), and maybe I’m just limiting myself for no reason, so I’d be happy to hear some reassurance if I’m wrong

Obviously there’s always gonna be the underlying issue of being black generally speaking, but I’m just talking about this issue in particular. It’s been stopping me from starting a class & going out as often as I’d like to, which could easily be because I haven’t actually talked to anyone about it, and I’ve just gone into worst case scenario mode honestly. Plus I’m already in an abusive household, and being able to leave the house is really the only way to not feel suffocated, but the idea of being a target outside of the house too would genuinely make me feel trapped. Again, I’ve only been avoiding going out as a general precaution. I don’t really have a reason to believe I’d specifically run into any problems, but I’d just need reassurance before I could resume going about my everyday activities normally, especially with adding routines that would make it so I’d have to go out more often than I do now

Caution is never a bad thing of course, and carrying some form of proof will be good too (I want to get a copy of my passport to carry in the form of a card), but will I be okay to start my classes and start going to my dance lessons and to ideally start working soon?

hey, sorry this is a bit long, im just a little distraught and it’s been a long journey. pls bare with me here haha

i’ve been struggling with rumination syndrome and gastroparesis for a few years now. got dropped by all of my providers because i’m considered a complex case, and no meds so far have been super helpful for me. and yes i know diaphragmatic breathing is the gold standard, but i’m just,,,, tired of it all. i really am. it never seemed to make too big of a difference for me. i’ll try harder if there’s someone who could help more than what i’ve tried, but even practices who specialize in diaphragmatic breathing won’t really take me. plus the nearest program is several hours away from me, which I’d really rather not do. I already went out of state once to go to CHOP a few years ago, but they literally sent me home after the consultation appointment. the program who does diaphragmatic breathing is apparently very selective about who they accept into their GI programs (I’m not sure what it’s based on, but I remember being turned down/redirected).

although there’s been more recognition over the last few years, it’s still not at a point where healthcare providers seem to generally know what to do with a lot of “complicated” GI cases. there’s probably some sort of virtual programs who could help with diaphragmatic breathing, but i still think i’m way “out of their wheelhouse”, which is basically what everyone has said. after a series of meds, tests, and ER visits that never really resulted in anything different, which all went on for years, i started kind of giving up on trying to find any actual solutions about a year ago. the thing about it, is that there’s no designated protocol or anything, so i feel like i only care about managing the complications at this point.

i don’t really know what to do, and i know you guys might not either, which is okay, but i guess it’s worth trying.

the only thing that’s ever consistently worked, has been an ng tube. i’m not sure if this helps with the gastroparesis or the rumination or both. and i know nasal tubes are controversial as far as “behavioral” GI issues go, but i’m really not in a position to try to get surgery, and i also don’t think i’m at a point to even get a surgical tube, and i’d rather not try to campaign for those kinds of tubes if i can avoid it. i’ve had an ng tube for this before. once in an emergency room/inpatient stay (where they eventually said there wasn’t anything else they could do for me as a team), and then they took it out a day or two later. they were originally going to send me home with the tube, but they eventually said it wasn’t necessary anymore and they said that they felt like there wasn’t much they could do moving forward. and then a second time, at a residential eating disorder program (like, psychological as opposed to medical). they understood my situation, but the staff were pretty racist and homophobic and they constantly singled me out. that’s a very common theme in healthcare, which has definitely factored into my treatment a whole lot. like a ton lmao, and nobody’s ever really tried to be subtle about it, so whatever.

now that you have context, my overall point is that an ng tube has been the most successful option, and i don’t really know why, but it has. my team at the residential program (not the staff, but the medical team), were actually the ones who seemed to agree and understand more than anyone else so far. my main doctor on the team was telling me that the reason why the other interventions never worked, could probably partially be because my body tends to be pretty resistant towards medication in general.

Whether I end up with an Ng tube or an Nj tube, I wondered if anyone has any tips for trying to get someone to listen. Medical racism is very real, and I’m losing my steam here. I quit all my favorite hobbies and my favorite sport, because I have no energy. I don’t know if my vitals and labs are normal or not, but historically they’ve been unpredictable, and it seems like no matter how miserable I am, everyone seems to end up telling me my labs look fine. I don’t know what to do. I’ve missed out on everything because I’m always sick, and I’m only 19. I haven’t even started college because I’m always tired or nauseas. I wanna start a dance class, but I can’t, because I have no energy. I don’t even go on walks around my neighborhood anymore. I’m miserable.

Ive had bouts of weight loss a few times in the past, but it was never enough to be a “clinical concern”. Probably partially because I never became underweight (also being on meds that actively counteracted weight loss & caused rapid weight gain no matter what my actual intake was, probably made this a way bigger issue for a few years). As of now, I’ve lost 30lbs in the last 6 months, without meaning to. Over the last year, I’ve lost 55lbs. I went from 271 (this month last year), to 216 (a few days ago). 6 months ago I weighed 247lbs.

With all that being said, I have a relatively new GI doctor. I’ve only seen him once earlier this year, but I think I wanna follow up and basically beg him for some kind of nutrition. I wanna try to avoid surgery in general, because I really don’t think I can handle it (this includes surgical tubes, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it if I ever have to). Last time I saw him, he suggested more tests and an experimental surgery (fundoplication i think?), and I considered it, but ultimately it really doesn’t sound like something I’m willing to put myself through if I can help it. I don’t want to do any more stressful hospital stuff, or more tests that feel violating or uncomfortable. An ng/tube wouldn’t inconvenience me even half as much as my GI issues have, not to mention the stress of having to take tests and doing more and more trials and errors. I feel like a lab rat. I don’t want to fix my stomach at this point, and I don’t even really care what’s causing this stuff. I just want to make up for the calories that I’m losing, and I just want enough energy to get my life back.

This was a really long winded way of saying, does anyone have any advice? I’m so tired. I have a relatively new doctor. I’ve only seen him once, at the beginning of this year. He’s seemed nicer than any other gastroenterologists I’ve seen, which could be a good sign idk. And my friend with similar medical equipment endorsed him and said he’s actually the one who got him started with his medical supplies. So this is probably my best bet at getting a tube. I already requested an appointment a day or two ago, but I’m considering sending a message to him directly, in the portal. Should I basically try to summarize the need for a tube before I even book an appointment, and should I try to get booked as soon as I can, or should I just wait for his office to reply to my request? I’d hate to try to rush to see him, just to be turned down or something, but if anyone’s gonna listen it’d be him, and I’ll be honest and say I’m getting a bit more impatient with each day that goes by. Is it worth a shot? I mean, if he says no, then I don’t know what I’d do with myself. But I feel the need to try one last time. I can’t keep living like this, it’s been 3 years, and thats only counting the process of being diagnosed and tested. Who knows how long it’s slipped under the cracks and gone unnoticed honestly

hey, sorry this is a bit long, im just a little distraught and it’s been a long journey. pls bare with me here haha

i’ve been struggling with rumination syndrome and gastroparesis for a few years now. got dropped by all of my providers because i’m considered a complex case, and no meds so far have been super helpful for me. and yes i know diaphragmatic breathing is the gold standard, but i’m just,,,, tired of it all. i really am. it never seemed to make too big of a difference for me. i’ll try harder if there’s someone who could help more than what i’ve tried, but even practices who specialize in diaphragmatic breathing won’t really take me. plus the nearest program is several hours away from me, which I’d really rather not do. I already went out of state once to go to CHOP a few years ago, but they literally sent me home after the consultation appointment. the program who does diaphragmatic breathing is apparently very selective about who they accept into their GI programs (I’m not sure what it’s based on, but I remember being turned down/redirected).

although there’s been more recognition over the last few years, it’s still not at a point where healthcare providers seem to generally know what to do with a lot of “complicated” GI cases. there’s probably some sort of virtual programs who could help with diaphragmatic breathing, but i still think i’m way “out of their wheelhouse”, which is basically what everyone has said. after a series of meds, tests, and ER visits that never really resulted in anything different, which all went on for years, i started kind of giving up on trying to find any actual solutions about a year ago. the thing about it, is that there’s no designated protocol or anything, so i feel like i only care about managing the complications at this point.

i don’t really know what to do, and i know you guys might not either, which is okay, but i guess it’s worth trying.

the only thing that’s ever consistently worked, has been an ng tube. i’m not sure if this helps with the gastroparesis or the rumination or both. and i know nasal tubes are controversial as far as “behavioral” GI issues go, but i’m really not in a position to try to get surgery, and i also don’t think i’m at a point to even get a surgical tube, and i’d rather not try to campaign for those kinds of tubes if i can avoid it. i’ve had an ng tube for this before. once in an emergency room/inpatient stay (where they eventually said there wasn’t anything else they could do for me as a team), and then they took it out a day or two later. they were originally going to send me home with the tube, but they eventually said it wasn’t necessary anymore and they said that they felt like there wasn’t much they could do moving forward. and then a second time, at a residential eating disorder program (like, psychological as opposed to medical). they understood my situation, but the staff were pretty racist and homophobic and they constantly singled me out. that’s a very common theme in healthcare, which has definitely factored into my treatment a whole lot. like a ton lmao, and nobody’s ever really tried to be subtle about it, so whatever.

now that you have context, my overall point is that an ng tube has been the most successful option, and i don’t really know why, but it has. my team at the residential program (not the staff, but the medical team), were actually the ones who seemed to agree and understand more than anyone else so far. my main doctor on the team was telling me that the reason why the other interventions never worked, could probably partially be because my body tends to be pretty resistant towards medication in general.

Whether I end up with an Ng tube or an Nj tube, I wondered if anyone has any tips for trying to get someone to listen. Medical racism is very real, and I’m losing my steam here. I quit all my favorite hobbies and my favorite sport, because I have no energy. I don’t know if my vitals and labs are normal or not, but historically they’ve been unpredictable, and it seems like no matter how miserable I am, everyone seems to end up telling me my labs look fine. I don’t know what to do. I’ve missed out on everything because I’m always sick, and I’m only 19. I haven’t even started college because I’m always tired or nauseas. I wanna start a dance class, but I can’t, because I have no energy. I don’t even go on walks around my neighborhood anymore. I’m miserable.

Ive had bouts of weight loss a few times in the past, but it was never enough to be a “clinical concern”. Probably partially because I never became underweight (also being on meds that actively counteracted weight loss & caused rapid weight gain no matter what my actual intake was, probably made this a way bigger issue for a few years). As of now, I’ve lost 30lbs in the last 6 months, without meaning to. Over the last year, I’ve lost 55lbs. I went from 271 (this month last year), to 216 (a few days ago). 6 months ago I weighed 247lbs.

With all that being said, I have a relatively new GI doctor. I’ve only seen him once earlier this year, but I think I wanna follow up and basically beg him for some kind of nutrition. I wanna try to avoid surgery in general, because I really don’t think I can handle it (this includes surgical tubes, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it if I ever have to). Last time I saw him, he suggested more tests and an experimental surgery (fundoplication i think?), and I considered it, but ultimately it really doesn’t sound like something I’m willing to put myself through if I can help it. I don’t want to do any more stressful hospital stuff, or more tests that feel violating or uncomfortable. An ng/tube wouldn’t inconvenience me even half as much as my GI issues have, not to mention the stress of having to take tests and doing more and more trials and errors. I feel like a lab rat. I don’t want to fix my stomach at this point, and I don’t even really care what’s causing this stuff. I just want to make up for the calories that I’m losing, and I just want enough energy to get my life back.

This was a really long winded way of saying, does anyone have any advice? I’m so tired. I have a relatively new doctor. I’ve only seen him once, at the beginning of this year. He’s seemed nicer than any other gastroenterologists I’ve seen, which could be a good sign idk. And my friend with similar medical equipment endorsed him and said he’s actually the one who got him started with his medical supplies. So this is probably my best bet at getting a tube. I already requested an appointment a day or two ago, but I’m considering sending a message to him directly, in the portal. Should I basically try to summarize the need for a tube before I even book an appointment, and should I try to get booked as soon as I can, or should I just wait for his office to reply to my request? I’d hate to try to rush to see him, just to be turned down or something, but if anyone’s gonna listen it’d be him, and I’ll be honest and say I’m getting a bit more impatient with each day that goes by. Is it worth a shot? I mean, if he says no, then I don’t know what I’d do with myself. But I feel the need to try one last time. I can’t keep living like this, it’s been 3 years, and thats only counting the process of being diagnosed and tested. Who knows how long it’s slipped under the cracks and gone unnoticed honestly

I mean, the caption basically says it all. I’ve been wondering about this and I’ve been putting off things that I want to do, like starting community college and starting a new hobby that I’ve been wanting to try. I don’t know if I’m really even at a big risk, and I don’t think I’ve really seen much about black people commonly running into any issues. But I know there’s a small percentage of people being profiled even as a black person (like being haitian etc), and maybe I’m just limiting myself for no reason, so I’d be happy to hear some reassurance if I’m wrong

Obviously there’s always gonna be the underlying issue of being black generally speaking, but I’m just talking about this issue in particular. It’s been stopping me from starting a class & going out as often as I’d like to, which could easily be because I haven’t actually talked to anyone about it, and I’ve just gone into worst case scenario mode honestly. Plus I’m already in an abusive household, and being able to leave the house is really the only way to not feel suffocated, but the idea of being a target outside of the house too would genuinely make me feel trapped. Again, I’ve only been avoiding going out as a general precaution. I don’t really have a reason to believe I’d specifically run into any problems, but I’d just need reassurance before I could resume going about my everyday activities normally, especially with adding routines that would make it so I’d have to go out more often than I do now

Cautious is never a bad thing of course, and carrying some form of proof will be good too (I want to get a copy of my passport to carry in the form of a card), but will I be okay to start my classes and start going to my dance lessons and to ideally start working soon?

I mean, the caption basically says it all. I’ve been wondering about this and I’ve been putting off things that I want to do, like starting community college and starting a new hobby that I’ve been wanting to try. I don’t know if I’m really even at a big risk, and I don’t think I’ve really seen much about black people commonly running into any issues. But I know there’s a small percentage of people being profiled even as a black person (like being haitian etc), and maybe I’m just limiting myself for no reason, so I’d be happy to hear some reassurance if I’m wrong

Obviously there’s always gonna be the underlying issue of being black generally speaking, but I’m just talking about this issue in particular. It’s been stopping me from starting a class & going out as often as I’d like to, which could easily be because I haven’t actually talked to anyone about it, and I’ve just gone into worst case scenario mode honestly. Plus I’m already in an abusive household, and being able to leave the house is really the only way to not feel suffocated, but the idea of being a target outside of the house too would genuinely make me feel trapped. Again, I’ve only been avoiding going out as a general precaution. I don’t really have a reason to believe I’d specifically run into any problems, but I’d just need reassurance before I could resume going about my everyday activities normally, especially with adding routines that would make it so I’d have to go out more often than I do now

Cautious is never a bad thing of course, and carrying some form of proof will be good too (I want to get a copy of my passport to carry in the form of a card), but will I be okay to start my classes and start going to my dance lessons and to ideally start working soon?

Hi, I’m 19 (F), and I want to move to England within the next year. I’m a citizen by descent, so my main things would be getting a british passport, getting together finances and sorting out my pets.

For slightly more context, I’m currently in a very abusive household, and I have been in this situation for my whole life. I’m getting sick of it and I just can’t do this anymore, and moving to England feels like my best bet. I graduated highschool, but I haven’t been to college. I could attend a community college near me, but I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been paranoid about even just leaving my house regularly. Mostly because of “🧊” being a thing near me. And I’m not really the target demographic as a black person I guess, but I’ve been hearing about the concept of “🧊” profiling black people, idk. I’m unsure of the context or what that profiling is based on, but that’s just overall horrifying for anyone, so it’s just been making me hesitate to even do things I wanna do, like school or a new hobby that I’ve been wanting to try. This is the biggest complication right now, in terms of everything outside of my house. At home I’m miserable because of my abusive mom, AND I keep freaking myself out about the concept of leaving my house regularly, which idk if I’m being unreasonable about, I actually don’t know if I’m really at a big risk, but the thought alone is making me feel so trapped.

I would ideally be moving with my older brother, and it would be me, my boxer dog, my cat, and him. I know there’s some relocation services to help with moving pets to the uk, as well as services to specifically help people with pets who are looking to rent with their animals. So it’s less about finding a place.

With that being said- the thing I mainly worry about, is affording everything. What do I do?? I’ve heard so many horror stories about the cost of living in the UK, which horrifies me. Saving up to get there is one thing, but maintaining being there is another thing. That’s what concerns me. I’ve considered trying to set up a gofundme for the cost of getting moved there (although I’ll still try to see what I can do on my own as it’s set up too), but I’m still really nervous about affording rent there and everything, and getting hired feels like it won’t ever happen. Plus, I can’t do anything too physically demanding (I’m a bit chronically ill).

I just need advice or reassurance or something. Ive been so miserable for so long, and moving to the uk truly is the most hopeful concept out of everything. It’s just a matter of affording it once I’m there.

Also, please do not say anything about compromising my babies. I won’t listen. I’m not asking for advice on that front, I’m asking about finances only.

Anyways, even if theres no real advice to give, I also just wanted to kind of get it out there, just because it couldn’t hurt. Idk. There’s been an overwhelming amount of stuff that’s been on my shoulders for so long, so I just needed to post about it

Firstly, I’m 19 and assigned female at birth, if that matters. I didn’t actually consider that maybe I could have a UTI until about 4 or 5 days ago. So I went on goodrx’s website and I told them my symptoms and they prescribed an antibiotic. I’m currently on the 3rd day of taking it, and I started taking it with a protein shake today because I read that you’re supposed to take it with something more substantial, as opposed to taking it with water.

I’ve never had a uti before that I can remember, and if I have, I had to have been really young. So I didn’t really even know what to look out for until I did a google search.

The thing that made me feel worried was the fact that I was getting like, full body spasms one night before bed. Kind of like, jolts, and it happened maybe twice or so that night. I don’t think I’ve had that happen since then, but it was one of the first things that I noticed. This was about 4 days ago, so that’s around when I started looking it up.

I can’t remember if I’d already noticed any of these symptoms on my own, or if they resonated once I looked up the chills (if that’s what they were). But either way, I had stuff like: feeling like I could barely get to the bathroom on time to pee, feeling like I had to pee even when I didn’t or feeling like I didn’t get it fully out, mild abdominal cramping and kind of a crampy-achy pelvic feeling, kind of like if you held it in for a while. Except I didn’t actually have to go, it just felt that way.

That was all stuff that I’d experienced over the course of a few days, but I didn’t even really notice I was experiencing any of that until I saw them being mentioned. When I saw that utis can do that, I got the prescription.

So, over the last 3 days of taking the meds, I’ve been feeling very off. I knew something was wrong already the day that I went on goodrx, and I was hoping to be able to get the meds asap while I figured out if there’s anything else I should be doing. Which is still basically where I am now. The thing is, I’m not sure if I should be acting more urgently or not that it’s been a few days now.

The first day on meds, I was pretty tired. Not super excessively, but definitely sluggish, and moving around made me feel tired or sometimes dizzy. Felt kinda heavy, like going up and down the stairs was just tiring.

Yesterday, I took a shower, and it was a pretty long shower, which I always tend to do. But after the shower, I was super exhausted and I could barely stay awake. Just felt drained and fatigued and weak. So I laid down and got ready for bed, since I was already trying to wind down to go to sleep. I barely even wanted to finish changing and brushing my teeth before getting into bed, I was so sleepy/tired. Usually showering wears me out, but not this much.

This morning, I had a slight headache. Not super bad, but the kind of headache that you get when you’re like, dehydrated or something. I don’t know. Like not a throbbing headache, just a headache. I had to get up to pee pretty much immediately, as I’ve been doing. And I was initially feeling really cold, which can happen in general sometimes when I’ve just woken up. But, I also felt like I couldn’t quite reach a comfortable temperature. Like when I had my blanket, I was too hot, but taking it off made me cold. Still feeling overall just sleepy and tired. Then when I went to walk my doggie, I was dreading going downstairs to go out, because I wasn’t even done getting dressed before I overheated and started sweating. We went on our walk, and by the time I came back and my dog went back upstairs to go see her uncle, I was really exhausted and sweating a lot. Instead of going to my room like I normally would, I sat down in the living room for a few minutes to cool off and rest for a sec. That was a few hours ago. Now, I’m not hot or cold either or sweaty or anything, I’m just like, brain foggy and unmotivated and a bit sleepy. I’ve also been mildly nauseous every now and then over the last few days, too. Today I’ve also noticed a kind of airy feeling, I don’t know how to explain it. Again, the only way I can describe it is that it feels kind of like you held it in instead of peeing, and so your stomach feels kind of like, almost full of air I guess. Not painful or bad air, but I still noticed it.

So clearly things have been noticeably different for several days now overall. Am I right to be cautious, and what should I do if so? Is this a “book an appointment” kind of thing, and if it is, then what kind of provider would have any insight or wouldn’t just wave it off until it gets worse? Or if it’s more urgent than that, then what? I’ve only been to urgent care once but it was pretty shitty and generally speaking, I doubt that they’d care even if there is a deeper issue. Do I just go to the ER? What am I meant to expect if I go? I don’t really know how this stuff gets addressed, but I know I need to be careful with a uti, and I know that it can get serious very quickly. So I just wanna know what I should be doing differently now, and what kind of treatment I’d be looking at regardless of what my next steps should be?

I mean, worst case scenario, if I’m having doubts or if these are all signs that things are getting worse, then I’ll just go to the ER. But I guess I just want some feedback while I’m trying to see who else I could possibly talk to, especially if it’s time sensitive. Am I right to be concerned even with the meds, and how quickly should I be acting?

Firstly, I’m 19 and assigned female at birth, if that matters. I didn’t actually consider that maybe I could have a UTI until about 4 or 5 days ago. So I went on goodrx’s website and I told them my symptoms and they prescribed an antibiotic. I’m currently on the 3rd day of taking it, and I started taking it with a protein shake today because I read that you’re supposed to take it with something more substantial, as opposed to taking it with water.

I’ve never had a uti before that I can remember, and if I have, I had to have been really young. So I didn’t really even know what to look out for until I did a google search.

The thing that made me feel worried was the fact that I was getting like, full body spasms one night before bed. Kind of like, jolts, and it happened maybe twice or so that night. I don’t think I’ve had that happen since then, but it was one of the first things that I noticed. This was about 4 days ago, so that’s around when I started looking it up.

I can’t remember if I’d already noticed any of these symptoms on my own, or if they resonated once I looked up the chills (if that’s what they were). But either way, I had stuff like: feeling like I could barely get to the bathroom on time to pee, feeling like I had to pee even when I didn’t or feeling like I didn’t get it fully out, mild abdominal cramping and kind of a crampy-achy pelvic feeling, kind of like if you held it in for a while. Except I didn’t actually have to go, it just felt that way.

That was all stuff that I’d experienced over the course of a few days, but I didn’t even really notice I was experiencing any of that until I saw them being mentioned. When I saw that utis can do that, I got the prescription.

So, over the last 3 days of taking the meds, I’ve been feeling very off. I knew something was wrong already the day that I went on goodrx, and I was hoping to be able to get the meds asap while I figured out if there’s anything else I should be doing. Which is still basically where I am now. The thing is, I’m not sure if I should be acting more urgently or not that it’s been a few days now.

The first day on meds, I was pretty tired. Not super excessively, but definitely sluggish, and moving around made me feel tired or sometimes dizzy. Felt kinda heavy, like going up and down the stairs was just tiring.

Yesterday, I took a shower, and it was a pretty long shower, which I always tend to do. But after the shower, I was super exhausted and I could barely stay awake. Just felt drained and fatigued and weak. So I laid down and got ready for bed, since I was already trying to wind down to go to sleep. I barely even wanted to finish changing and brushing my teeth before getting into bed, I was so sleepy/tired. Usually showering wears me out, but not this much.

This morning, I had a slight headache. Not super bad, but the kind of headache that you get when you’re like, dehydrated or something. I don’t know. Like not a throbbing headache, just a headache. I had to get up to pee pretty much immediately, as I’ve been doing. And I was initially feeling really cold, which can happen in general sometimes when I’ve just woken up. But, I also felt like I couldn’t quite reach a comfortable temperature. Like when I had my blanket, I was too hot, but taking it off made me cold. Still feeling overall just sleepy and tired. Then when I went to walk my doggie, I was dreading going downstairs to go out, because I wasn’t even done getting dressed before I overheated and started sweating. We went on our walk, and by the time I came back and my dog went back upstairs to go see her uncle, I was really exhausted and sweating a lot. Instead of going to my room like I normally would, I sat down in the living room for a few minutes to cool off and rest for a sec. That was a few hours ago. Now, I’m not hot or cold either or sweaty or anything, I’m just like, brain foggy and unmotivated and a bit sleepy. I’ve also been mildly nauseous every now and then over the last few days, too. Today I’ve also noticed a kind of airy feeling, I don’t know how to explain it. Again, the only way I can describe it is that it feels kind of like you held it in instead of peeing, and so your stomach feels kind of like, almost full of air I guess. Not painful or bad air, but I still noticed it.

So clearly things have been noticeably different for several days now overall. Am I right to be cautious, and what should I do if so? Is this a “book an appointment” kind of thing, and if it is, then what kind of provider would have any insight or wouldn’t just wave it off until it gets worse? Or if it’s more urgent than that, then what? I’ve only been to urgent care once but it was pretty shitty and generally speaking, I doubt that they’d care even if there is a deeper issue. Do I just go to the ER? What am I meant to expect if I go? I don’t really know how this stuff gets addressed, but I know I need to be careful with a uti, and I know that it can get serious very quickly. So I just wanna know what I should be doing differently now, and what kind of treatment I’d be looking at regardless of what my next steps should be?

I mean, worst case scenario, if I’m having doubts or if these are all signs that things are getting worse, then I’ll just go to the ER. But I guess I just want some feedback while I’m trying to see who else I could possibly talk to, especially if it’s time sensitive. Am I right to be concerned even with the meds, and how quickly should I be acting?

Firstly, I’m 19 and assigned female at birth, if that matters. I didn’t actually consider that maybe I could have a UTI until about 4 or 5 days ago. So I went on goodrx’s website and I told them my symptoms and they prescribed an antibiotic. I’m currently on the 3rd day of taking it, and I started taking it with a protein shake today because I read that you’re supposed to take it with something more substantial, as opposed to taking it with water.

I’ve never had a uti before that I can remember, and if I have, I had to have been really young. So I didn’t really even know what to look out for until I did a google search.

The thing that made me feel worried was the fact that I was getting like, full body spasms one night before bed. Kind of like, jolts, and it happened maybe twice or so that night. I don’t think I’ve had that happen since then, but it was one of the first things that I noticed. This was about 4 days ago, so that’s around when I started looking it up.

I can’t remember if I’d already noticed any of these symptoms on my own, or if they resonated once I looked up the chills (if that’s what they were). But either way, I had stuff like: feeling like I could barely get to the bathroom on time to pee, feeling like I had to pee even when I didn’t or feeling like I didn’t get it fully out, mild abdominal cramping and kind of a crampy-achy pelvic feeling, kind of like if you held it in for a while. Except I didn’t actually have to go, it just felt that way.

That was all stuff that I’d experienced over the course of a few days, but I didn’t even really notice I was experiencing any of that until I saw them being mentioned. When I saw that utis can do that, I got the prescription.

So, over the last 3 days of taking the meds, I’ve been feeling very off. I knew something was wrong already the day that I went on goodrx, and I was hoping to be able to get the meds asap while I figured out if there’s anything else I should be doing. Which is still basically where I am now. The thing is, I’m not sure if I should be acting more urgently or not that it’s been a few days now.

The first day on meds, I was pretty tired. Not super excessively, but definitely sluggish, and moving around made me feel tired or sometimes dizzy. Felt kinda heavy, like going up and down the stairs was just tiring.

Yesterday, I took a shower, and it was a pretty long shower, which I always tend to do. But after the shower, I was super exhausted and I could barely stay awake. Just felt drained and fatigued and weak. So I laid down and got ready for bed, since I was already trying to wind down to go to sleep. I barely even wanted to finish changing and brushing my teeth before getting into bed, I was so sleepy/tired. Usually showering wears me out, but not this much.

This morning, I had a slight headache. Not super bad, but the kind of headache that you get when you’re like, dehydrated or something. I don’t know. Like not a throbbing headache, just a headache. I had to get up to pee pretty much immediately, as I’ve been doing. And I was initially feeling really cold, which can happen in general sometimes when I’ve just woken up. But, I also felt like I couldn’t quite reach a comfortable temperature. Like when I had my blanket, I was too hot, but taking it off made me cold. Still feeling overall just sleepy and tired. Then when I went to walk my doggie, I was dreading going downstairs to go out, because I wasn’t even done getting dressed before I overheated and started sweating. We went on our walk, and by the time I came back and my dog went back upstairs to go see her uncle, I was really exhausted and sweating a lot. Instead of going to my room like I normally would, I sat down in the living room for a few minutes to cool off and rest for a sec. That was a few hours ago. Now, I’m not hot or cold either or sweaty or anything, I’m just like, brain foggy and unmotivated and a bit sleepy. I’ve also been mildly nauseous every now and then over the last few days, too. Today I’ve also noticed a kind of airy feeling, I don’t know how to explain it. Again, the only way I can describe it is that it feels kind of like you held it in instead of peeing, and so your stomach feels kind of like, almost full of air I guess. Not painful or bad air, but I still noticed it.

So clearly things have been noticeably different for several days now overall. Am I right to be cautious, and what should I do if so? Is this a “book an appointment” kind of thing, and if it is, then what kind of provider would have any insight or wouldn’t just wave it off until it gets worse? Or if it’s more urgent than that, then what? I’ve only been to urgent care once but it was pretty shitty and generally speaking, I doubt that they’d care even if there is a deeper issue. Do I just go to the ER? What am I meant to expect if I go? I don’t really know how this stuff gets addressed, but I know I need to be careful with a uti, and I know that it can get serious very quickly. So I just wanna know what I should be doing differently now, and what kind of treatment I’d be looking at regardless of what my next steps should be?

I mean, worst case scenario, if I’m having doubts or if these are all signs that things are getting worse, then I’ll just go to the ER. But I guess I just want some feedback while I’m trying to see who else I could possibly talk to, especially if it’s time sensitive. Am I right to be concerned even with the meds, and how quickly should I be acting?

whats it called if my dad was like, super pushy/obsessive and had basically no boundaries with me growing up? he’s bipolar and has a very intense, long-standing history of abuse towards my mother. violent threats, arguing, shoving, and probably more that i cant be bothered to pull out of my memory box rn lol. pretty traumatic home-life with the two of them. constant trauma, but this post is about my dad specifically so im sticking to that. also had the cops called on him one time by my mom, but didn’t get arrested i don’t think. just for context ig. i’m 19 & a girl & these are all examples from middle school and below

nobody’s ever really actually commented on our relationship in real life, so i just wanted to see if there’s any commentary that i should hear i guess

overall i was always just really really uncomfortable with him growing up. long list of examples i could give. like he used to hug and kiss me for like 5 minutes straight all the time, even though i was uncomfortable and it was never really optional, and idk, i just hated it, especially once i got a little older. and he would call me “babe” as a nickname, and he would compliment me for losing weight, by telling me “people have been saying you’re getting thin” and stuff like that, and he was very obsessive and possessive over me in general.

he was pushy about having me come hang out with him, and he constantly needed involvement in every way possible. like sharing my drinks with me and sitting really close to me, especially with his arm around me. and he would stall and prolong everything we did together because he wanted more time, despite spending hours together, and me just being tired and wanting to go back to my mom’s. an example would be going to the skating rink, and having me go back around even though the rink was closing for the night. stuff like that, like just dragging it out

he also said he preferred when i called him daddy instead of dad, when i started calling him dad in 3rd/4th/5th grade because i was getting older and it felt weird saying daddy, especially when nobody else my age was doing that anymore at all. but i kept saying that instead, because once he heard me call him dad, he replied saying that he liked daddy better, and he told me that from then on i had to greet him with only that nickname whenever i said hi to him or whatever, and that every time i asked him for something or thanked him, that i had to use it. and if i forgot or i just called him dad instead, he would just wait for me to correct myself before responding, or he would just correct me.

and he would insist on holding hands when we were walking, or whenever he was in the front seat and i was in the backseat of the car. he was really intense and would tell me he’d lay down his life for me, and that he would do anything for me. stuff like that. he didnt like for me to talk to any adult strangers if we went to the store or out in public, even just briefly, and he’d yell “babe” and call me over and take my hand and whisk me away, and then he’d explain that i shouldnt talk to them because they could kidnap me or drug me or something idk. and he would talk badly about my mom to me all the time. stuff like “you know the reason you used to go to daycare was because your mom didn’t want you around, she wanted to get rid of you”. and he would tell me he “hopes im not telling my mom something different than what i said to him”, because i would tell my mom i didnt want to spend the night at his house at the end of our visits, so my mom would relay that to him and i would act like i didnt know, because i didnt want to hurt his feelings or have him try to convince me to stay. he would also tell me that “one of his friends told him that kids like their dads more than their moms”, and he’d ask me if i agreed.

he would keep the door open when he peed, despite being visible in every way, and even after my mom told him to stop doing that, he still only closed it most of the way. plus he didn’t always wash his hands which was fucking disgusting, so i wouldn’t go anywhere near him when he didn’t, which was very often. he would help me change before school and i started getting up to go close the door myself, because he sometimes left it open, which meant the rest of my family could see me changing, which i just didn’t really want. especially when i developed more free will as i got slightly older, like beyond kindergarten age. and he thought that was funny or amusing i guess, so laughed and said “it’s funny because thats what grown ups do”. he would rave about how smart i was, like how i was “already watching teen shows as a kid”.

he also used to randomly get me gifts sometimes, but they were like, random & not new. an example would be a jumbo sharpie he gave me, which was not in a package or sealed or anything. just random stuff like that. so one time, he gave me a coloring book & my mom noticed it. she asked where it was from & i said it was from dad. the coloring book wasn’t new, it was used & it had been colored in a few pages i think. it was a paw patrol book. my mother asked me stuff like “do you even like paw patrol?”, & “it looks like it’s been used already”, & “where did he get it from?”. i kept shrugging it off because i didn’t know the answers to any of it, but i remember her seeming a little preoccupied by it. i think i remember her asking me, “did your father make friends with a kid?”. but idk, maybe she just asked if he made a new friend. i’m pretty sure she did specify the kid part though. i also remember the period of time where i occasionally talked very briefly to my mom about being anxious around my dad & she asked, “he never did anything to you, right?“. i didn’t remember or think so, i still don’t really know or have any particular suspicions about that. i know i froze up when my mom asked, but my mom’s a piece of shit herself & i’m not comfortable around her either. so i probably just didnt feel comfortable talking to one abusive parent about how her abusive husband treated me, yknow? like just in general, i hated talking to her about it bc shes a selfish apologist anyways. so no matter what did or didnt happen, my mother never had any intentions of keeping me away from my dad. i resisted his presence all the time & i always told her i was uncomfortable, but she would just gaslight me & guilt trip me & tell me how much he loves me & how “he still has some good parts to him” & whatever the fuck else. she never cared what i said or how much i complained about being uncomfortable & how much i showed it. she just made me deal with it. wasnt until she decided she was fed up & wanted a divorce, that she decided it was okay if i didn’t want to be around him. she’s always been a selfish person & my wellbeing has never mattered to her at all. it’s never until something bothers her that anything ever becomes an issue.

eventually i went no contact at the end of middle school, but he kept texting me and calling me or calling my mom, and saying not to forget him, and basically saying he doesn’t understand why we don’t talk to him, and basically a lot of sad stuff about how i’m breaking his heart and telling me about memories of things we did together and stuff like that. and he sometimes got through to my mom despite her blocking him, but rarely. idrk how he does that. and one time he was in our parking lot because he was dropping off my brother or something, and my brother is the only one who still is in touch with him, so my brother let him do it. pretty naive of him, and scary for us because he knew where we lived, but whatever man. we were no contact at this point and he knew he wasnt supposed to be anywhere near us, and my brother more or less knew that too, but he was probably distracted or just not thinking about it, or my dad convinced him, or both. he has always tended to fawn when it comes to stuff like this, so i don’t really blame him, but it was definitely a little startling. i’m pretty sure my dad has a restraining order to stay away from us? i’m not sure, but it’s a hard boundary whether it’s legally binding or not. he also used to threaten my mom, being like “if you tried to take her away from me, i should-“ (i’m redacting this because my post would probs get taken down idk).

he also tended to make other kids uncomfy too. he was just unfiltered and unhinged with everyone. like one time at the library, he was on the couch next to this kid, and i dont remember much since i was pretty young. but i remember him being in their personal space as they sat together, like not enough space between them and pinching their cheeks which he did to me too and it was always so annoying. i remember him saying stuff like, “are you a boy or a girl”, and i think i vaguely remember him saying something along the lines of “i thought you were a girl because i thought you had a chest”, and “how old are you”. again, fuzzy, because i was a kid and i am traumatized lmao, so my memory can have gaps, but this is the general idea. anyways, eventually the staff asked us all to leave. i didn’t know why, like i said, i was a child, but if my memory isnt making stuff up then that probably had something to do with it

anyways, this is just some of the stuff that’s on my mind, so i was just wondering what it’s about. i know he really freaked me out as a kid bc i always felt so pressured and awkward, and i just never really thought to question it too deeply until recently

Idk, I don’t really know what to put here. I’m just sick and tired, and angry, and overwhelmed. It’s too much. I’ve tried so so hard. I’m 19, and I’ve grown up surrounded by abuse. Still am. Watched my dad violently abuse my mom for most of childhood, then they got divorced. Meanwhile my mom’s been sadistic & abusive & completely void of any remorse or love for my entire life, and she’s still like that to this day. She always will be, she always has been. Still live with her, and now I have to deal with her shitty, human embodiment toxic masculinity, manchild of a husband. Guess what? Another abuser. He abuses her emotionally, gets drunk and aggressive with people (example: my mom, and also my best friend who came to visit, and she left on that note, so her visit was concluded by a panic attack after my mom’s fucked up boytoy freaked her out), he has no boundaries, refuses to do anything anyone says, uses my stuff as if it’s his, won’t leave me alone even if i try to avoid him (says stuff like “you aren’t leaving because of me are you?”, goes out of his way to interact with me every single time we’re in the same room, throws a fit if he’s asked to give me space, etc). Hes annoying and insufferable, and he’s the exact kind of guy that comes to mind when you think of the word “douchebag”. Whichever stereotypical traits you’re thinking of, that’s him.

I’m tired of it. I don’t really leave my room for very long anymore. I hate living here, and I already hated it, but then my mom got married to a brand new abuser, and I’ve reached my limit ever since. He’s been around ever since I was like 14 or so, and I never liked him. But that never mattered, because my mother’s a piece of shit too.

My mother likes to also do some of her damage more passively, like by torturing me for 19 years, sabotaging my health at every opportunity she gets, making fun of me when i’m in danger, intentionally pushing me to the point of wanting to kill myself and then blankly ignoring me when i tell her that I’m suicidal, and gaslighting me about it, and being annoyed and not reacting or responding, unless it’s to tell me something sarcastic and cruel. Then she’ll just sit there as I go isolate myself, and she won’t check up on me because she wants me to hurt myself, and then she’ll conveniently wait until the next day to acknowledge my existence. She knows exactly what she’s doing. She’s too much of a selfish coward to kill me by actually doing it manually. She wants to just do everything in her power to try to make it happen passively. Intentionally triggering me and knowing that it’s pushing me to my limit, sabotaging my health care and gaslighting me about it and getting furious if I don’t believe her, until it got to a dangerous point, and did everything in her power to convince me nothing’s wrong and I don’t need a doctor. Lied about it every time I brought up a symptom by giving some bullshit explanation, getting angry when I said it didnt make any fucking sense. Sabotaged every appointment I had, if the doctor mentioned being concerned, or if they mentioned a medication that might’ve interfered with my mother’s plans to watch me get worse and worse, then she would do everything she could to shut it down. Wasnt until I took it into my own hands that I resolved it before it could get even worse than it’d already gotten.

Like I said, my mom’s fucked up. Always has been. There’s a lifetime of examples that I could give, but I digress. Evil fucking human. I’ve never hated anybody the way that I hate her, and that’s saying a lot because I don’t really hate anyone. She’s like, the kind of person you see in horror films or true crime documentaries. Same kind of mindset and precision, same lack of empathy and remorse. I don’t know how else to explain it, shes just robotic and she’s made me miserable for so long, and I just can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep living with her and I can’t keep living a life where I have to have anything to do with her in general

My brother is the only one who doesn’t suck. I love my brother. He’s 11 years older than me, he lives here too. He’s the only one who’s ever actually helped take care of me, other than my self protection. He’s my first and best friend, and he always has been and always will be. But he doesn’t get it. At all. He doesn’t get any of this. He doesn’t get it about our dad, or at least he’s still neutral and stays in contact with him, despite him talking badly about me and not liking who I am, and despite everything in general, and everything thats happened. Not that I want him to not have a relationship with him if he wants one, but it mostly just sucks that nobody has ever backed me up, or stood with me, or defended me. It’s always been me. Not even my brother. Just me, nobody else, ever. And then of course, our mother is a liar and she’s good at being two faced. That’s probably why she’s gotten away with being a relentless abuser in general. So my brother doesn’t get it, plus he’s a little brainwashed because, well, thats what she does. As much as I empathize because I get why hes like that, my empathy about it isnt going to change the situation/position that I’m in. I really do get it, and I don’t blame him one bit, and none of this is his fault, but I’m still angry. About all of it. Not just him not getting it, but just everything ever. Just. Everything. And I’m tired of him believing her, and I’m tired of him playing the devil’s advocate and being neutral, I’m sick of him not commenting whenever I complain. It’s not because he’s trying to be malicious, but he genuinely isn’t grasping or retaining anything. And ive tried. Over and over again. And I can’t make him get it. And I understand- of course he doesn’t. She makes sure that he doesn’t, and he doesn’t know any better, because he’s never seen that side of her a day in his life. And I hope he never does, but I’ve seen nothing except that side of her. There are no good sides for me. Shes not a good person, she just pretends to be one when other people are watching, and she hides the fact that she’s evil whenever anyone else is around. It wouldn’t really change anything even if my brother did understand, though. The most helpful thing he could do is somehow help me move out, or move out with me or getting a place for us to go, but if he could do that, he would be doing it on his own. But being alive is expensive. Otherwise it would just make it worse, because he likes to try to “get her perspective”, and that never works. Communication is useless. She knows what she’s doing, and she’s proud of it. Shes remorseless and sadistic, and if you ask her about anything, she will lie and you will second guess yourself. The way out is leaving and having nothing to do with her. She isn’t good, she doesn’t mean well, she has always had bad intentions and nothing anyone says to her will ever change that. Never has, never will. Besides, doesn’t he think I’ve tried that? For a very long time? And years of family therapy with me and mom just consisted of her manipulating everyone, lying, and proceeding to sabotage me. It doesn’t work, nothing works. She isn’t ever going to change. Everyone else I’ve told about my mother, has been appalled and understood that she is very abusive. Everyone except my brother. And that really sucks. And plus, he wouldn’t move out anyways. I’ve mentioned it a few times, and he’s not in a much better position than I am. Which sucks because he’s the only one who hasn’t been isolated for the majority of his life, the only one who has had jobs and is looking for another one and who can get hired much sooner than me, whereas I still have to figure out how to work and how to enroll in community college and how to take absolutely any steps towards getting away from here. Hes the only one with a car and a license and who doesn’t have his every move get interrogated. Hes the only one who can move without the weight and the limitations of dealing with the constant trauma from my mother that I face every single day. It’s debilitating. Not that it’s easy for him either, obviously. It’s just different. Hes my only chsnce at not having to do it alone, and it’s hard for him too, and I just can’t bring myself to do anything. It’s like I’ve seen so much that hes completely unaware of, and I’m worn out from it all, while he has absolutely no clue about anything I’ve gone through. It’s just not the same. Not harder, but different. And exhausting.

I know I can move if I keep taking the steps, but like I’ve said, I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of problem solving, I’m tired of doing things myself, of finding workarounds, of taking care of myself, of doing things alone, of doing things that feel undoable. I don’t know how much more stress and anxiety I can keep dragging myself through. I can’t keep “doing things even if they feel hard”. That’s what I’m always doing. Oh you have to figure out how to go to college classes, despite being homeschooled since 5th grade and graduating highschool from a homeschool program, and spending all of your time in your house, only seeing maybe 2 peers a few times a year, and you’ve developed severe trauma and a complete distrust of people no matter how close they are, and simply being in public makes you wanna kill yourself every single time you have to do it, and it never actually feels better when you’re doing it or afterwards, but everyone says “it won’t be so bad”, but it always is and it always has been and it’s never gotten better and you’re sick of having to be exhausted every time youre in public because you’re not actually enjoying it and all you’re doing is trying to complete your tasks without triggering a trauma response, and if you socialize, you spend the entire time trying to push through your brain’s survival mode and it’s physically exhausting too because your body and brain has programmed itself to treat everyone as if they’re a threat? Well,,,, you have to do hard things sometimes! So give it a go! You won’t feel relieved or comfortable, you’ll feel just as on edge and unsafe as you think you will, you’ll feel bad and physically drained afterwards, and then you’ll dread having to do it again. You’ll start using your defense mechanisms if you’re expected to talk to anybody, you won’t retain any of the education because all you’re doing is trying to stay safe and alive. This is all already true in all other social contexts, but this makes a difference because you have to maintain a schedule and grades on top of all of that. So not only are you gonna be miserable, and you’re gonna dread it, but you also have to try to stay on top of everything. Also you have to figure out how to drive, afford a car, and afford to move out. And until you do, you’re stuck here. And the whole process will be miserable, just like each step you’ve taken so far has been.

I can’t take it anymore. Thats the thing. It’s not that I think I’m incapable. It’s that I’m unwilling. I’m tired. I’ve tried. I have tried and tried and tried. I’ve given it everything that I have. I’ve wrung myself out. I know I shouldn’t lose hope, but I really don’t want to push through anything else. I don’t want to feel anxious about every fucking thing that I need to do, I don’t want to fight against my traumatized brain all the time just by doing basic survival/adulting skills, I don’t want to “do the hard thing” anymore, and I don’t want to keep living my life while feeling like this, and I don’t want to spend another day with all of the barriers still being unresolved. Theres too much to do, and I don’t want to do anything else. And I don’t want to wait either. I’m done, and I’m sorry. But I’m so so tired. I’m on my own, and for once in my life, I just can’t do anything alone anymore. I can’t keep carrying everything. I just want someone else to do it all for me, and thats never gonna happen. And Im not willing to do it. Im not willing to do the work, I’m not willing to feel any more pain, I’m not willing to spend another day not knowing when this will all be better. Not knowing when I can move out, and not only do I want to leave, but I want to leave and to not have to compromise. I don’t want to be somewhere scary or unsafe, I don’t want to live with anyone because people trigger me, but I also don’t want to feel scared or hyper vigilant by being alone, I don’t want to maintain any responsibilities just to be able to stay housed and fed and to pay for my medications and whatever else, because I’m already exhausted and I’m sick of being the only one looking out for myself and keeping myself going. I don’t want to do anything. It’s too much. Everything is too much. Nothing feels good, I’m just tired and angry and I’ve lost my willpower.

It’s been a good run. It really has. I’ve kept myself going much longer than I was supposed to, and that’s all I’ve got. You can’t keep running a marathon forever. It gets tiring, you get weak. And I’m losing my momentum. I just want to rest. I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t even want to walk, or stand, or sit, or anything else. My body and my brain are tired. I just want to rest. For once. I just want to feel relaxed.

I don’t have any plans to do anything to harm myself as of yet, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep myself from resorting to considering it. And there’s still so so much that I could talk about. So much that’s happened. So many bad things, and so much abuse. So so much of it. It’s like everyone’s either an abuser or they just can’t get you out. I’m on my own. I always have been. Nobody gets it, and nobody knows even the half of it, and nobody will. I wouldn’t be able to explain it all even if I tried, and I wouldn’t want to. I just want it all to be resolved. And I want it to be over.

I’m just writing this post as my thoughts flow into my mind, because, I don’t know, I just need someone to know what’s in my head right now I guess. And if I ever do something to myself, well, I don’t know. At least this would show that I tried, and I tried, and I tried so so so hard. My very hardest, and I just couldnt try anymore. It would show that even though nobody will know the extent of any of it- that I am so so deeply, severely traumatized, by 19 years worth of constant, CONSTANT abuse. In all directions, all around me, and also coming right at me all of the time, and it’s just too much. Theres just so much thats happened, and it’s like something is just always happening. Not just at home, but in general, there’s just constantly some new distressing thing I have to work through, or there’s some new trauma being formed of some kind. And it’s too draining. So I just want it to be known that theres so much I never said to anyone, and there’s so much that I probably wouldn’t even have the words for. I just want to emphasize how much has happened constantly throughout my lifetime, and even though I can’t convey that even if I wanted to, I just want it to be out there. I want people to know that it wouldn’t have been out of nowhere if I ever did something to myself some day. Nothing, none of it has ever been out of nowhere. And I know nobody would understand it if I ever did, and thats okay. They couldn’t even if they wanted to. Especially since my mother would make it so that nobody would guess that I was this complexly traumatized. And thats okay. But this shows that I said it myself- I tried my best. And you don’t know just how much stuff I’ve had to protect myself from. If only you knew, because then you’d get why it led to this. I tried, and I just can’t try anymore. I can’t hold it up, it’s all coming crashing down, and I’m getting too tired. But I tried. I did try. I tried my very hardest.

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

Google said it’s sexual assault that these things happened, so im curious but idk. Here are the situations I looked up

my mother used to have me lay on the bed and spread out my legs so she could wipe me for some kind of medical issue or maybe it was just a hygiene thing or something, when I was very young. I don’t know, I don’t really remember why she would do that sometimes but there was some similar reason or another along those lines. But she would always be annoyed and unempathetic even though I hated it when she did this. It was humiliating and violating and scary, I don’t even really know why that was so dreadful, it just was. I would scream and cry and yell “no mommy i dont want you to wipe inside my ‘nina’”, which is what I called my front-bathroom-part. It was traumatic and horrifying. That’s the part that seemed to make it SA according to google, because I was so tormented and an intimate area was being touched when I was upset by it, and because my mother was so cold and never reassured me or consoled me while doing something vulnerable that clearly caused such a big reaction, and instead she was irritated and void of empathy. Which she always is and always has been but whatever, thats just a known fact about her

It said it was also sexual assault when my mom used to pat/spank people’s butts as they walked by. She knew it was fucking annoying and uncomfortable. She did it anyways, whenever she wanted. She did that with me as a kid/tween and I hated it, and she also did it with one of my cousins, who was an adult at the time. When she did it to her, my cousin was startled and offended and shaken up and uncomfortable. She froze, visibly upset, and looked down at the ground. Then, after a second of silence and visible distress, she looked back up at mom, and she said, “You fondled me”. She looked offended, confused, hurt, intimidated, and everything else that someone would feel in that situation. My mother then gave a passive aggressive, non apology. She said, “Oh, no, that’s not what I was doing, honey. I’m sorry you took it that way”. She basically just kinda gaslighted her. So like, it’s clearly just uncomfortable and weird since Im not the only one who was bothered by it. But also my cousin has a disability, so I guess my mother felt like she must’ve been getting it wrong/misunderstanding, which is dumb because I’m not sure she’d do that to basically any of my other adult cousins, and I don’t think she ever has.

She also used to put liquid drops using a dropper thing (laxatives i presume, obviously now that I’m old enough to know what that is lol) into my (back end) while i laid on my stomach. I hated doing this but i was often constipated (probably from stress or dehydration or anything thats my parent’s fault honestly. like probably a result of one of the kinds of ways they neglected me, but who knows which one at this point) and it made it so I could use the bathroom obviously. And she would be annoyed and unempathetic about my distress, per usual. I would avoid it and complain and probably cry, same as the other thing, and i would tell her I didn’t want to do it and she would tell me I had to. Eventually she said I could tell her if I ever need to use it again, even though that didn’t ever really make it any better once she did it, plus I was already traumatized by not having the option to opt out to begin with. Eventually I just hesitated to tell her when I had stomachaches because I didn’t want it to happen again. I kept going to the doctors for pain though, and at some point she finally started asking if I wanted to do it myself, so I did that a few times if I could manage to get past the fact that I’d already developed a huge aversion to it, and even then I hated it still and I wasn’t over it, so I just gave up altogether, even if my stomach was hurting

Another thing is that cousin, who was an adult and I was a child- was talking to me about bra sizes and asked what cup i was, and she said what her cup size was as a kid. Then she touched my chest, I guess to investigate her questions, idk. But she had a disability and didn’t know she was doing something that made me uncomfortable (same cousin from before, and this was the same visit i think). She probably should’ve been supervised with me, but my mom liked to send us off so that she didn’t have to actually do her job, because she sucks and decided she’d make the whole trip my responsibility, and that I’d basically be the one to be her caregiver despite being in middle school and also never even signing up to have her stay and share my space/bedroom

My mom has also always changed and gotten naked in front of me, usually without warning or she gives me a useless warning by warning me as she’s doing it, and she has always rejected my discomfort and goes “it’s not weird. Theres nothing gross about bodies”, and she has always told me to deal with it “because im in her room” or “because in her house”, and she would wipe her skin folds in front of me??? like her rolls or whatever, idfk dude, and she would just jokingly go “this is gonna get awkward”, she’s just kinda fucking insensitive and strange honestly. And additionally she jokes about child abuse being like “I won’t make you do this because my sister made her kids do it and that was child abuse”, referring to having me put ointment on her back which apparently her sister did with her kids (???). She said that jokingly, she never made me do it but she said it all time, despite me being like “it’s not funny to joke about child abuse”. All of this has always happened, both as a kid and as an adult, and when i say it’s weird, and when I’ve asked “if theres nothing gross about bodies, then why don’t you ever get naked around your son too? It would make him uncomfortable, so why does it not matter that I’m uncomfortable?”, and she says thats different because he’s a male

whats it called if my dad was like, super pushy/obsessive and had basically no boundaries with me growing up? he’s bipolar and has a very intense, long-standing history of abuse towards my mother. violent threats, arguing, shoving, and probably more that i cant be bothered to pull out of my memory box rn lol. pretty traumatic home-life with the two of them. constant trauma, but this post is about my dad specifically so im sticking to that. also had the cops called on him one time by my mom, but didn’t get arrested i don’t think. just for context ig. i’m a girl & these are all examples from middle school and below

overall i was always just really really uncomfortable with him growing up. long list of examples i could give. like he used to hug and kiss me for like 5 minutes straight all the time, even though i was uncomfortable and it was never really optional, and idk, i just hated it, especially once i got a little older. and he would call me “babe” as a nickname, and he would compliment me for losing weight, by telling me “people have been saying you’re getting thin” and stuff like that, and he was very obsessive and possessive over me in general.

he was pushy about having me come hang out with him, and he constantly needed involvement in every way possible. like sharing my drinks with me and sitting really close to me, especially with his arm around me. and he would stall and prolong everything we did together because he wanted more time, despite spending hours together, and me just being tired and wanting to go back to my mom’s. an example would be going to the skating rink, and having me go back around even though the rink was closing for the night. stuff like that, like just dragging it out

he also said he preferred when i called him daddy instead of dad, when i started calling him dad in 3rd/4th/5th grade because i was getting older and it felt weird saying daddy, especially when nobody else my age was doing that anymore at all. but i kept saying that instead, because once he heard me call him dad, he replied saying that he liked daddy better, and he told me that from then on i had to greet him with only that nickname whenever i said hi to him or whatever, and that every time i asked him for something or thanked him, that i had to use it. and if i forgot or i just called him dad instead, he would just wait for me to correct myself before responding, or he would just correct me.

and he would insist on holding hands when we were walking, or whenever he was in the front seat and i was in the backseat of the car. he was really intense and would tell me he’d lay down his life for me, and that he would do anything for me. stuff like that. he didnt like for me to talk to any adult strangers if we went to the store or out in public, even just briefly, and he’d yell “babe” and call me over and take my hand and whisk me away, and then he’d explain that i shouldnt talk to them because they could kidnap me or drug me or something idk. and he would talk badly about my mom to me all the time. stuff like “you know the reason you used to go to daycare was because your mom didn’t want you around, she wanted to get rid of you”. and he would tell me he “hopes im not telling my mom something different than what i said to him”, because i would tell my mom i didnt want to spend the night at his house at the end of our visits, so my mom would relay that to him and i would act like i didnt know, because i didnt want to hurt his feelings or have him try to convince me to stay. he would also tell me that “one of his friends told him that kids like their dads more than their moms”, and he’d ask me if i agreed.

he would keep the door open when he peed, despite being visible in every way, and even after my mom told him to stop doing that, he still only closed it most of the way. plus he didn’t always wash his hands which was fucking disgusting, so i wouldn’t go anywhere near him when he didn’t, which was very often. he would help me change before school and i started getting up to go close the door myself, because he sometimes left it open, which meant the rest of my family could see me changing, which i just didn’t really want. especially when i developed more free will as i got slightly older, like beyond kindergarten age. and he thought that was funny or amusing i guess, so laughed and said “it’s funny because thats what grown ups do”. he would rave about how smart i was, like how i was “already watching teen shows as a kid”.

eventually i went no contact at the end of middle school, but he kept texting me and calling me or calling my mom, and saying not to forget him, and basically saying he doesn’t understand why we don’t talk to him, and basically a lot of sad stuff about how i’m breaking his heart and telling me about memories of things we did together and stuff like that. and he sometimes got through to my mom despite her blocking him, but rarely. idrk how he does that. and one time he was in our parking lot because he was dropping off my brother or something, and my brother is the only one who still is in touch with him, so my brother let him do it. pretty naive of him, and scary for us because he knew where we lived, but whatever man. we were no contact at this point and he knew he wasnt supposed to be anywhere near us, and my brother more or less knew that too, but he was probably distracted or just not thinking about it, or my dad convinced him, or both. he has always tended to fawn when it comes to stuff like this, so i don’t really blame him, but it was definitely a little startling. i’m pretty sure my dad has a restraining order to stay away from us? i’m not sure, but it’s a hard boundary whether it’s legally binding or not. he also used to threaten my mom, being like “if you tried to take her away from me, i should-“ (i’m redacting this because my post would probs get taken down idk).

he also tended to make other kids uncomfy too. he was just unfiltered and unhinged with everyone. like one time at the library, he was on the couch next to this kid, and i dont remember much since i was pretty young. but i remember him being in their personal space as they sat together, like not enough space between them and pinching their cheeks which he did to me too and it was always so annoying. i remember him saying stuff like, “are you a boy or a girl”, and i think i vaguely remember him saying something along the lines of “i thought you were a girl because i thought you had a chest”, and “how old are you”. again, fuzzy, because i was a kid and i am traumatized lmao, so my memory can have gaps, but this is the general idea. anyways, eventually the staff asked us all to leave. i didn’t know why, like i said, i was a child, but if my memory isnt making stuff up then that probably had something to do with it

anyways, this is just some of the stuff that’s on my mind, so i was just wondering what it’s about. i know he really freaked me out as a kid bc i always felt so pressured and awkward, and i just never really thought to question it too deeply until recently

My family and I are moving houses in around 8 months. Right now it’s me (19), my brother (30), my mom, and my mom’s husband. I have 2 pets- my boxer dog and my cat. They’re my sweet babies and I want the very best for them, so I’ve just been curious about what I’d wanna do and starting to brainstorm a bit. We also have a senior dog, but that’s not really a concern with this particular situation, as she’s not my dog- she’s my mom’s husband’s doggie, which means she wouldn’t be moving with me. But I’m mentioning her, just because she’s here and she’s around my girls, too!

First of all, it’s not necessarily this move that I’m worried about. It’s more the fact that I do ultimately plan on moving out, away from my mother. I most likely wouldn’t live very far- like, within close driving distance. 50ish minutes at most, if I choose this one specific city, but I’ll most likely settle on a city that’s much closer, like 25mins or less. Especially if I choose to start community college before moving out. I’m just thinking about what my plan should be for my girls when I eventually do move.

My boxer, of course, has separation anxiety. My cat is most comfortable/cuddly with me, although she knows and loves everyone here 100%. Same with my dog, she’s my dog, but she’s also very much a family dog lol. Right now, my dog sleeps with me in my bedroom on her doggie bed. She spends time with everyone equally pretty much, generally speaking. She sees everyone every day, and she gets time with everyone. Additionally, some nights she sleeps with my brother, and occasionally my mom and her husband, but not as much as her uncle. My brother does a lot of her walks, and overall has always been very active in her care. We technically adopted her together pretty much, so we basically have joint custody lol. Her care is generally super interchangeable between me and my brother, so one of us might cover some things one day, and then we might ask the other to swap out responsibilities the next day, etc. So she’s definitely very comfortable with her uncle, she loves him and he’s absolutely crazy about his niece too. Cuddles, quality time, the whole bit. She’s happy with either of us, although she just seems to be noticeably clingier with me for sure, which is usually shown by her being a bit anxious whenever I’m not home, or if she’s decided that she’s had enough time in someone else’s room, and that therefore it’s my turn for cuddles and that she needs to come be with me again. We’ve done a lot of training together as well, so we do also have that bond, but her uncle has been directly involved in basically every part of the process too. So in other words, she’s very comfortable if her uncle takes things over, and our mom’s husbands helps out sometimes if we’re not available/both going out of the house. And like I said, she’s a big lovebug so she’s close to all of us.

My cat spends most of her time in her separate area in the dining room. She gets her meals there, and it’s separated by pet gates, so that she can eat and drink and just be away from the dogs when she wants to be (which is basically always her preference). She’s a very sweet girl, and wherever we all live, we’d be sure that she’d have a separate area there, too. She gets the most/longest amount of affection and attention from me, as I’m her main source of cuddles and stuff like that, but everyone gets some time in with her too. Every now and again she’ll go and be with my mom for a bit, as long as the dogs are leaving her alone, if she’s in the mood. She definitely notices when I’m away and she knows whenever I’m going out the door and is excited to see me come back. She’s my baby and I do think she misses me if I’m gone for a while, but again, I like to think she seems overall okay.

So anyways, I guess my question is, do I take either of the pets with me, or are they better off staying here? Or if either of them are coming with me, who would that apply to?
But regardless of what advice I get, I mostly just desperately need nothing but reassurance. Just because the concept of not living with either/both of my pets is genuinely the hardest thing I’ve had to face, and I know that seems reallyyyy overly intense. But I just have a really big thing about empathizing with animals, especially my pets, and I’m so extremely sensitive to the concept of them not being okay. I just need to know that they’ll be happy and not stressed out, and that’s why I’m asking for advice on how to plan/arrange our housing in the best possible way. I’m a nervous wreck (in case you couldn’t tell), and I know there’s bound to be an adjustment period one way or another which kills me- but I just need to know that things will settle and they’ll both be happy and comfortable. Logically I know they’ll probably adjust regardless, but yknow, anxiety isn’t exactly logical. (Just have to give a disclaimer, so that nobody goes “yeah sorry here’s the solution, but you’re fucked” I guess haha). And then obviously it’s just hard for me to think about not having them with me all the time like they are now, so any tips for everyone’s comfort would be appreciated as well, if you wanna give those!

We have time to get that part together too, and we won’t be moving houses for a few months like I said. I definitely wouldn’t be moving right away- it’d be hopefully within the next year though, at most. Finger’s crossed though, because being alive is expensive smh

I'm still in the process of getting scheduled for surgery, and while I'd be happy with the goal weight my surgeon gave me, I would still ideally like to be lower than that. One of the providers (I think it was the nutritionist? Or the dietician) that I visited with, explained that they wouldn't want me to go below that number, or they'd start worrying about muscle wasting. This bothered me a little bit, because that number is higher than what I was before I gained enough weight to need surgery. So it's higher than the baseline that I was used to. Plus, I'd just rather have a goal that's more geared towards a range that I'd be more comfortable with. I was wondering how this would go, if I do ever end up falling below the number they set out for me? I know you're meant to follow up with your team and stuff, so, I'm just curious about whether I'm gonna have to fight to justify and defend myself for being at a lower goal than they told me. This is obviously hypothetical and idealized, so obviously it may or may not even happen, but I'm just wondering if they're going to genuinely frown upon it, or if it's not even as big of a deal as I'm perceiving it to be. As long as I'm not malnourished or something, and if I'm following all the safety protocols and making sure to take my supplements and everything, then I just don't see why I wouldn't be allowed to go lower if I wanted. I've also seen a lot of people on here who've set different goals for themselves than what their team did, and who've intentionally lost more than what their team wanted, just because of personal preferences for themselves, and I've always wondered what their team had to say about it, if anything at all. Either way though, a goal is a goal, so I would take their goal weight over no goal weight any day haha

Title basically says it all. At the beginning of the process, I was 271lbs, and I’m 5’5. That made me eligible for a bypass. Now I’m 221lbs, which I think is only a few pounds above the BMI criteria for surgery, even with related conditions (which I have, but still). I took a pause from the process to tend to an unrelated issue, with the intention of getting the last few steps done that I had to do to schedule a surgery date, and continuing where I left off. Somewhere around this time, I switched to different meds for my anxiety, after realizing that that’s what pushed me from being within the “healthy bmi range” for my height, to meeting the surgery criteria. The meds made me rapidly gain weight, so I switched- although obesity was already a very big risk factor because of my very prominent family history, and also it doesn’t help that I had it pretty badly as a child, so it still would’ve been a concern without the meds. But of course, like I said, my bmi wasn’t actively a concern at that particular time, until I started the meds.

I still need a letter from my primary care doctor, and a letter for psychiatric clearance. I didn’t have to document any weight loss or anything, but I would need to get lab stuff done after getting a date, if I end up scheduling one. But now that I’d be getting those steps done, I’m wondering if I’d even be able to proceed at this point. Before I reach back out, and before I try to ask my providers for those letters, does anybody know what I should expect to hear from the surgeon’s office now that I’ve lost weight?

Hey, I just needed an outlet to vent about my sadistic, abusive mother. As one does. This woman almost blurs the line between being shitty and being practically fucking passively homicidal. I really just need to actually be heard instead of just dealing with it.

There’s not really any way to compound or conceptualize her abuse and tendencies into a reddit post, but I am gonna give some examples because I just need to call her out at least a little bit

My mother has always been visibly satisfied whenever I’m hurt in some way. She likes to push me to my limits, and then scan me for signs that it’s working. Like a common every day example would be yelling, criticizing me, insulting me, gaslighting me, saying the meanest thing she can think of, bringing up my insecurities, etc, and then watching me to see if I’m getting upset. She looks for stuff like fidgeting or tears or bouncing my leg. Once her eyes meet the signs that she’s successfully pushed me to my limit, she gets this relieved look on her face, and then she suddenly pulls back and loses interest. She leaves me to sit with the pain that she made sure to cause.

One time she yelled and yelled at me in a rage fit. She followed me to my room kept yelling, grabbed my by my shoulders, shook me around, still by the shoulders, and then gave me a quick shove. Not enough to cause any real damage, but enough for her to be able to have that usual sadistic, evil look in her eyes. She’s always looked at me and spoke to me with pure disdain, resentment, hatred, violence, and fury. She liked seeing how scared I was. I was around 15 or 16 at the time. She watched me break down sobbing on the floor, begging her to leave me alone. Suddenly she listened. Suddenly she was fine with just leaving me in that state, without checking on me or saying anything until the next day. Which is funny because I tried to get her to leave my room to begin with, but she originally blocked the door so I couldn’t leave and kept telling me she wasn’t gonna leave either. Of course it wasn’t until she’d gotten physical and I was hysterical, that suddenly she calmly and contently left my room and closed the door, while saying, “it’s okay, im still the same mama”. Fucking evil. I hate her so much.

Btw, this was all because I told her I felt like her behaviors could be abusive when I was a kid. (And every other day of my life, but I was communicating very calmly and cautiously). Stupid idea, even with caution, but I don’t know. I genuinely thought she wanted to be better I guess. She got furious, said stuff like “I don’t think you even know what abuse is” and “YOU abused ME”, and then told me to “Get out of her room”, and then proceeded to prove my point by getting aggressive.

When we did family therapy (of course I eventually kicked her out and did it alone), she would not only manipulate everything we talked about, and also go out of her way to bring up my “outbursts” (aka her treating me like shit for hours and then acting like I’m mentally unstable for being angry), but she would also listen intently to my triggers, and then she’d start triggering me until I’d reach a crisis. Which she knew would happen every time. Especially since we talked about that in therapy, too. She knew that being triggered led to unsafe behaviors, and she intentionally used those triggers to get me to that point.

She knew I struggled with su***dal ideation, history of att3mpts, and self injury. She always used this to her advantage. When I would have urges to SH, it was part of my safety plan to tell her. So she would trigger me to the point of having urges, then she’d look visibly satisfied once I started getting upset, and then I’d tell her I felt unsafe, and then she would ignore me. She’d just be annoyed by my emotions. She would say one sentence, which was always sarcastic and taunting, like along the lines of, “Okay. Well, hope you don’t”, or “Okay well, let me know when you need an ambulance”. She would then ignore me with a blank face, and leave me to my own devices. Wouldn’t check in, wouldn’t do anything, and she knew exactly what was happening. She knew I was unsafe, and that’s why she always did that.

Plus afterwards, she would conveniently wait until fhe next day to say anything to me at all, even if it’s just small talk or something. She wanted to be sure I’d hurt myself. If I told her what happened, she wouldn’t react, she wouldn’t say anything except maybe she’d say “Can you show me?”, and it it wasn’t because she wanted to help. In fact, she didn’t say anything about anything else. Still emotionless and monotone. If I showed her, which I only did once (because it was useless and she didn’t help), she would just look at it, nod, and then go back to what she was doing without making eye contact or showing an ounce of concern or remorse. That was it. She just wanted to see what I did. Didn’t follow up or show any concern. Just looked satisfied that it worked. Just proud of herself for making me suffer. Proud to see the evidence of the damage she’d done. She did this over and over, until I just stopped talking to her about it. She knew I was going to be in danger, and she knew that it could lead to a life threatening situation, and yet she would deliberately figure out which buttons to push and then intentionally ignored me when I told her I couldn’t handle it.

When I first attempted btw, she had zero empathy, manipulated the doctors at the hospital to make it seem like she was so worried and oblivious and debunked anything vaguely bad that I said about her, never acknowledged me or my feelings, pretended to be concerned only when she had an audience, all that typical abuser shit. By the way, I attempted because of the stress from her. Shocker. Anyways, she never helped when I got home. She’d just give passive aggressive comments, or passively make fun of me. She also used it as an opportunity to raid my room, to go through all of my stuff, and to throw away anything she deemed as a danger to me/anything sharp, which happened to include stuff from my partner at the time. (Like a button pin, for example). She also said she hired one of our housekeepers to do it, which I’m almost certain was a lie. When I told her it didn’t help and it only made me feel punished, she didn’t respond. She just looked satisfied.

When I was sa’d, my mother pried me for details. Didnt acknowledge me saying that it was assault, but just asked me what exactly I was doing when it happened and before it happened, what exactly I said, what happened specifically and where, asked if I looked uncomfortable, etc. She was partially trying to gauge whether or not she considered it to be valid, trying to look for loopholes to victim blame me, and also just trying to simply hear more about how I got traumatized. She kept pushing me for details, and when I told her more details after trying to avoid doing so, because thats just triggering and unnecessary to make me relive it, she didn’t acknowledge it. Just nodded with a smirk on her face. That’s what she does sometimes, she pushes me and pushes me to see how bad something is or how bad it can get, and then she suddenly doesn’t need to engage anymore once it’s clear that I’ve been hurt or thay something bad will happen, and she suddenly looks like she’s gotten what she wanted. Convenient, right? Then she stops engaging, and gets angry if I need support, because as far as she’s concerned, the main event is over and anything other than her getting to be amused by my pain, is an annoyance to her.

Bonus info: whenever I had ptsd episodes where I would sob and cry, she would just sit there. No empathy, no words, no eye contact. Just annoyance, if anything. She has never been anything other than content about me feeling tortured. She also secretly gossiped about the details of my entire abusive relationship and my SA, to her husband. Was literally just dishing, and she gave explicit details and context and quotes. The whole bit. She wasn’t doing it because she was concerned or worried. She sounded delighted, as if she was telling him about a new dress she bought or something. When I told her I overheard it, she didn’t stop, she just got up and closed the door so I wouldn’t hear.

When I was harassed at a bus stop near me, she made jokes and laughed. When I was visibly upset, she looked at me with that same amused look on her face that she always does when I’m miserable. She would make jokes and watch me get upset about it, and then she’d act confused about me being bothered by it, despite setting multiple boundaries and telling her how uncomfortable it was.

She would let my health get as bad as possible, and then refuse to take me to a doctor. She kept it a secret that I have scoliosis, for example. I complained about my back pain constantly, and all she did was say, “That’s what happens to people with big chests. There’s nothing you can do about it”. She would watch me wince and complain, and she would watch me suffer after doing sports because it hurt my back so bad. If I asked for a solution, she said there were none, except she’d ask if I had a bra on. She watched me quit my favorite sport due to constant, horrible back pain after practicing. Never said a word. Years of being in excruciating pain when doing my sport. Only reason I know I have it, is because I asked directly, after suspecting that maybe something was wrong with my back. Then suddenly she said I have scoliosis.

She also told all my doctors about how unstable I was (again, was just because of her abuse), and then she clung to the possibility of me being bipolar because I gaslighted myself about my symptoms and brought up suspicions of maybe being bipolar. Btw, never was bipolar. I just thought my symptoms couldnt possible be tied to her. But of course she took it and ran with it, and told them about my “manic episodes”, aka me being stressed after her being abusive all day. Long story short, got diagnosed with bipolar (gonna have to get that removed now that Im mentioning it), went on meds for years. Meds made me gain over 100lbs. Went from healthy to super unhealthy. I was a comfortable, clinically healthy weight before the meds, and then I was severely obese. Complained about it a LOT. She kept telling me it had to be that way, that I “wasnt that big”, and getting annoyed about me “bringing it up all the time”. Got furious at me if I mentioned glp1’s or surgery. Told me I didn’t meet the criteria for surgery, which was a lie. And told me her insurance didn’t cover meds, which might’ve been true for weight loss but that clearly wasnt the issue. Proceeded to deliberately make sure that I kept gaining more and more weight, and then gaslighting me on purpose about it.

Btw, fun fact! Diabetes and congestive heart failure run in the family on her side. Every single one of her siblings have diabetes and so does she. Two of them died before the age of 80 (one before the age of late 60’s I think). Both had diabetes, both died of heart complications. So when I started being concerned about my weight, and I started developing symptoms of insulin resistance, of course she still gaslighted me. Convinced me that the dark spots (this happens with diabetes) were “freckles”. Said my tingling hands and feet were from “holding my phone”. Got angry when I said that was bullshit. Stuff like that. Anyways, basically she ensured that my health declined, refused to help, lied the whole time every time I tried to get help, lied if I showed concerns, had to insist that she booked me an appointment. Also obviously she knew damned well I was headed rapidly towards the direction of diabetes. Anybody would know that, especially when I’d never had any of those symptoms before. She was always very smug whenever she got to watch things get worse and worse. She would even desperately try to get my psychiatrist not to prescribe adderall for my adhd, because it could cause a decreased appetite. She generally always did everything in her power to make me as big as possible and then to look the other way whenever she knew it got dangerous. Shes done that ever since I was a child, and it’s always been very meticulous and persistent. Shes really weird in that way, theres a lifetime of examples I could give about this. She’d do anything to make me gain as much weight as possible

She also likes to intentionally humiliate me, and then laugh at me once I’m uncomfortable or embarrassed. One time she bought me new clothes, including underwear. She saw that I ordered a pair that was more or less a thong, and I got it because it was on sale and it’s easier to wear with shorts and leggings without leaving underwear creases. But she kept asking about it, being like, “Why’s you get these ones? I’ve never seen you get this material. Why did you get this?”, and she kept asking and asking and barely holding back her grin. I kept telling her it’s weird to keep asking and I asked why she was suddenly interested in knowing the material of my clothes, let alone one particular pair of underwear. She claimed it was “Because she needed to know if she had to return them, or if they’re the right ones”. So then I was basically like, why are you being so pushy, and she finally just went “Is it a thong?”, with a patronizing-bully facial expression and tone. Then when I was like “Yeah?? Why is that an issue, and why do you care what underwear your adult kid is wearing?” (paraphrasing a bit on that last part lmao), and she just snickered and smiled. Didnt say anything else. Did her usual scan to see my reaction, to see if my face showed any signs of embarrassment. She literally just wanted to needle me to try to humiliate me, and then laughed about it. Although this wasnt even really embarrassing, it was kinda just weird and uncomfortable. It’s not like it’s a secret???

Anyways yeah, these barely even scratch the surface. My “mother” is a sadistic, evil, sorry excuse for a mom. I hate her just about as much as she clearly hates me, and I don’t have any more empathy for her as she does for me because she’s relentlessly abused me all of my life 👍

Hey, I just needed an outlet to vent about my sadistic, abusive mother. As one does. This woman almost blurs the line between being shitty and being practically fucking passively homicidal.

There’s not really any way to compound or conceptualize her abuse and tendencies into a reddit post, but I am gonna give some examples because I just need to call her out

My mother has always been visibly satisfied whenever I’m hurt in some way. She likes to push me to my limits, and then scan me for signs that it’s working. Like a common every day example would be yelling, criticizing me, insulting me, gaslighting me, saying the meanest thing she can think of, bringing up my insecurities, etc, and then watching me to see if I’m getting upset. She looks for stuff like fidgeting or tears or bouncing my leg. Once her eyes meet the signs that she’s successfully pushed me to my limit, she gets this relieved look on her face, and then she suddenly pulls back and loses interest. She leaves me to sit with the pain that she made sure to cause.

One time she yelled and yelled at me in a rage fit. She followed me to my room kept yelling, grabbed my by my shoulders, shook me around, still by the shoulders, and then gave me a quick shove. Not enough to cause any real damage, but enough for her to be able to have that usual sadistic, evil look in her eyes. She’s always looked at me and spoke to me with pure disdain, resentment, hatred, violence, and fury. She liked seeing how scared I was. I was around 15 or 16 at the time. She watched me break down sobbing on the floor, begging her to leave me alone. Suddenly she listened. Suddenly she was fine with just leaving me in that state, without checking on me or saying anything until the next day. Which is funny because I tried to get her to leave my room to begin with, but she originally blocked the door so I couldn’t leave and kept telling me she wasn’t gonna leave either. Of course it wasn’t until she’d gotten physical and I was hysterical, that suddenly she calmly and contently left my room and closed the door, while saying, “it’s okay, im still the same mama”. Fucking evil. I hate her so much.

Btw, this was all because I told her I felt like her behaviors could be abusive when I was a kid. (And every other day of my life, but I was communicating very calmly and cautiously). Stupid idea, even with caution, but I don’t know. I genuinely thought she wanted to be better I guess. She got furious, said stuff like “I don’t think you even know what abuse is” and “YOU abused ME”, and then told me to “Get out of her room”, and then proceeded to prove my point by getting aggressive.

When we did family therapy (of course I eventually kicked her out and did it alone), she would not only manipulate everything we talked about, and also go out of her way to bring up my “outbursts” (aka her treating me like shit for hours and then acting like I’m mentally unstable for being angry), but she would also listen intently to my triggers, and then she’d start triggering me until I’d reach a crisis. Which she knew would happen every time. Especially since we talked about that in therapy, too. She knew that being triggered led to unsafe behaviors, and she intentionally used those triggers to get me to that point.

She knew I struggled with su***dal ideation, history of att3mpts, and self injury. She always used this to her advantage. When I would have urges to SH, it was part of my safety plan to tell her. So she would trigger me to the point of having urges, then she’d look visibly satisfied once I started getting upset, and then I’d tell her I felt unsafe, and then she would ignore me. She’d just be annoyed by my emotions. She would say one sentence, which was always sarcastic and taunting, like along the lines of, “Okay. Well, hope you don’t”, or “Okay well, let me know when you need an ambulance”. She would then ignore me with a blank face, and leave me to my own devices. Wouldn’t check in, wouldn’t do anything, and she knew exactly what was happening. She knew I was unsafe, and that’s why she always did that.

Plus afterwards, she would conveniently wait until fhe next day to say anything to me at all, even if it’s just small talk or something. She wanted to be sure I’d hurt myself. If I told her what happened, she wouldn’t react, she wouldn’t say anything except maybe she’d say “Can you show me?”, and it it wasn’t because she wanted to help. In fact, she didn’t say anything about anything else. Still emotionless and monotone. If I showed her, which I only did once (because it was useless and she didn’t help), she would just look at it, nod, and then go back to what she was doing without making eye contact or showing an ounce of concern or remorse. That was it. She just wanted to see what I did. Didn’t follow up or show any concern. Just looked satisfied that it worked. Just proud of herself for making me suffer. Proud to see the evidence of the damage she’d done. She did this over and over, until I just stopped talking to her about it. She knew I was going to be in danger, and she knew that it could lead to a life threatening situation, and yet she would deliberately figure out which buttons to push and then intentionally ignored me when I told her I couldn’t handle it.

When I first attempted btw, she had zero empathy, manipulated the doctors at the hospital to make it seem like she was so worried and oblivious and debunked anything vaguely bad that I said about her, never acknowledged me or my feelings, pretended to be concerned only when she had an audience, all that typical abuser shit. By the way, I attempted because of the stress from her. Shocker. Anyways, she never helped when I got home. She’d just give passive aggressive comments, or passively make fun of me. She also used it as an opportunity to raid my room, to go through all of my stuff, and to throw away anything she deemed as a danger to me/anything sharp, which happened to include stuff from my partner at the time. (Like a button pin, for example). She also said she hired one of our housekeepers to do it, which I’m almost certain was a lie. When I told her it didn’t help and it only made me feel punished, she didn’t respond. She just looked satisfied.

When I was sa’d, my mother pried me for details. Didnt acknowledge me saying that it was assault, but just asked me what exactly I was doing when it happened and before it happened, what exactly I said, what happened specifically and where, asked if I looked uncomfortable, etc. She was partially trying to gauge whether or not she considered it to be valid, trying to look for loopholes to victim blame me, and also just trying to simply hear more about how I got traumatized. She kept pushing me for details, and when I told her more details after trying to avoid doing so, because thats just triggering and unnecessary to make me relive it, she didn’t acknowledge it. Just nodded with a smirk on her face. That’s what she does sometimes, she pushes me and pushes me to see how bad something is or how bad it can get, and then she suddenly doesn’t need to engage anymore once it’s clear that I’ve been hurt or thay something bad will happen, and she suddenly looks like she’s gotten what she wanted. Convenient, right? Then she stops engaging, and gets angry if I need support, because as far as she’s concerned, the main event is over and anything other than her getting to be amused by my pain, is an annoyance to her.

Bonus info: whenever I had ptsd episodes where I would sob and cry, she would just sit there. No empathy, no words, no eye contact. Just annoyance, if anything. She has never been anything other than content about me feeling tortured. She also secretly gossiped about the details of my entire abusive relationship and my SA, to her husband. Was literally just dishing, and she gave explicit details and context and quotes. The whole bit. She wasn’t doing it because she was concerned or worried. She sounded delighted, as if she was telling him about a new dress she bought or something. When I told her I overheard it, she didn’t stop, she just got up and closed the door so I wouldn’t hear.

When I was harassed at a bus stop near me, she made jokes and laughed. When I was visibly upset, she looked at me with that same amused look on her face that she always does when I’m miserable. She would make jokes and watch me get upset about it, and then she’d act confused about me being bothered by it, despite setting multiple boundaries and telling her how uncomfortable it was.

She would let my health get as bad as possible, and then refuse to take me to a doctor. She kept it a secret that I have scoliosis, for example. I complained about my back pain constantly, and all she did was say, “That’s what happens to people with big chests. There’s nothing you can do about it”. She would watch me wince and complain, and she would watch me suffer after doing sports because it hurt my back so bad. If I asked for a solution, she said there were none, except she’d ask if I had a bra on. She watched me quit my favorite sport due to constant, horrible back pain after practicing. Never said a word. Years of being in excruciating pain when doing my sport. Only reason I know I have it, is because I asked directly, after suspecting that maybe something was wrong with my back. Then suddenly she said I have scoliosis.

She also told all my doctors about how unstable I was (again, was just because of her abuse), and then she clung to the possibility of me being bipolar because I gaslighted myself about my symptoms and brought up suspicions of maybe being bipolar. Btw, never was bipolar. I just thought my symptoms couldnt possible be tied to her. But of course she took it and ran with it, and told them about my “manic episodes”, aka me being stressed after her being abusive all day. Long story short, got diagnosed with bipolar (gonna have to get that removed now that Im mentioning it), went on meds for years. Meds made me gain over 100lbs. Went from healthy to super unhealthy. I was a comfortable, clinically healthy weight before the meds, and then I was severely obese. Complained about it a LOT. She kept telling me it had to be that way, that I “wasnt that big”, and getting annoyed about me “bringing it up all the time”. Got furious at me if I mentioned glp1’s or surgery. Told me I didn’t meet the criteria for surgery, which was a lie. And told me her insurance didn’t cover meds, which might’ve been true for weight loss but that clearly wasnt the issue. Proceeded to deliberately make sure that I kept gaining more and more weight, and then gaslighting me on purpose about it.

Btw, fun fact! Diabetes and congestive heart failure run in the family on her side. Every single one of her siblings have diabetes and so does she. Two of them died before the age of 80 (one before the age of late 60’s I think). Both had diabetes, both died of heart complications. So when I started being concerned about my weight, and I started developing symptoms of insulin resistance, of course she still gaslighted me. Convinced me that the dark spots (this happens with diabetes) were “freckles”. Said my tingling hands and feet were from “holding my phone”. Got angry when I said that was bullshit. Stuff like that. Anyways, basically she ensured that my health declined, refused to help, lied the whole time every time I tried to get help, lied if I showed concerns, and I had to insist that she booked me an appointment. Also obviously she knew damned well I was headed rapidly towards the direction of diabetes. It was probable from the start that it was gonna be an issue, but then it kept progressing to an even more very very unambiguous point. Anybody would know that, especially when I’d never had any of those symptoms before. She was always very smug whenever she got to watch things get worse and worse. She would even desperately try to get my psychiatrist not to prescribe adderall for my adhd, because it could cause a decreased appetite. She generally always did everything in her power to make me as big as possible and then to look the other way whenever she knew it got dangerous. Shes done that ever since I was a child, and it’s always been very meticulous and persistent. Shes really weird in that way, theres a lifetime of examples I could give about this. She’d do anything to make me gain as much weight as possible

Anyways yeah, these barely even scratch the surface. My “mother” is a sadistic, evil, sorry excuse for a mom. I hate her just about as much as she clearly hates me, and I don’t have any more empathy for her as she does for me because she’s relentlessly abused me all of my life 👍

I was prescribed LDN (hcl 1.5mg tablets), and my provider did it through carefirst. I went to my Nimble account to confirm the order, but, it’s $99 for 180 tablets. I’d really rather not have to worry about paying that much for a med right now, so I’m just not really sure what to do

Do I ask my provider to fill it somewhere else? If yes, then where? I’ve seen that coupons can help, but there’s nowhere to apply it with carefirst

Any suggestions in general would be good, but worst case scenario I’ll email him saying that I’ll have to call it off