u/cicada324

Update: Interesting to see that people here would have them set up by their parents at this stage of life rather than going out and finding someone for themselves.

For context, I check all the vanity metrics society puts on guys - tall, smart, make bank, have some generational wealth and am pretty outgoing with a good personality. Pahadi guy working in tech btw.

Tried the apps and matched with people from IGMC and St.Bedes. Ended up going on dates with a number of them but realised that these people are younger than me, still in college and this is not something that be built upon on.

How do you guys find people to date here? Like there are so many people either working or preparing for competitive exams but how to get access to this pool of people??

Also I don’t work in Shimla but am from Shimla so reaching out to people in office is not possible. Plus my friend group has moved out as well so meeting friends of friends is also not possible.

Don’t wanna reach out to people in public since this is my hometown and this culture has so far not reached here( wild guess)

For context, I check all the vanity metrics society puts on guys - tall, smart, make bank, have some generational wealth and am pretty outgoing with a good personality. Pahadi guy working in tech btw.

Tried the apps and matched with people from IGMC and St.Bedes. Ended up going on dates with a number of them but realised that these people are younger than me, still in college and this is not something that be built upon on.

How do you guys find people to date here? Like there are so many people either working or preparing for competitive exams but how to get access to this pool of people??

Also I don’t work in Shimla but am from Shimla so reaching out to people in office is not possible. Plus my friend group has moved out as well so meeting friends of friends is also not possible.

Don’t wanna reach out to people in public since this is my hometown and this culture has so far not reached here( wild guess)

So I’m a tall 6’1 fair able bodied guy born and brought up in Shimla with roots in upper Himachal

Went to an all boys school and then shifted out of state for college and then for job.

Work in tech, make good money, have hobbies and am quite social (like Pahadis are :) )

Come from a good family, both parents have pensions and have our own house in town and some orchards and house in the village.No societal restrictions like caste or anything.

Now everything in life was fine, was dating this girl for a some time and we broke up. It happens.

It’s been extremely difficult to meet new people organically now that I am trying to date people here to marry. Apps don’t work at all and reaching out to strangers in public feels like a no no since everyone knows everyone. Easier to do this in cities than here.

Plus people I knew of are already dating someone or already married. Some have decided not to marry anyone but are up for dating(More power to them)

People here still don’t setup people with their friends I guess , some friends suggested me to reach out to their cousins/sister but that seems like a Pandora’s box and comes with a fallout I’m not ready to take.

I tried reaching out to people on social media and went on dates eventually but no one wants to build something together and is into rosters and causal intimacy(Not that it’s wrong just not for me rn)

So meeting someone apart from the Arranged Marriage setup is extremely difficult. I’m reaching the 30s right now but still want to give love a chance

At least once a week a new ‘rishta’ comes, from people we know of and the people on the ‘CV’ and pic look pretty and well read but where are these people if you want to date them and they want to marry. I mean parents are progressive here and won’t stop people from dating so where are these kind of people if you wanna meet them organically

I don’t want to meet people through this setup right now even though I’m not averse to Arranged marriage but how to meet people to date here.

Saw the divorce rate spike around my generation and want to take my time understanding each other.

Else arranged marriage it is

So I’m a tall 6’1 fair able bodied guy born and brought up in Shimla with roots in upper Himachal

Went to an all boys school and then shifted out of state for college and then for job.

Work in tech, make good money, have hobbies and am quite social (like Pahadis are :) )

Come from a good family, both parents have pensions and have our own house in town and some orchards and house in the village.No societal restrictions like caste or anything.

Now everything in life was fine, was dating this girl for a some time and we broke up. It happens.

It’s been extremely difficult to meet new people organically now that I am trying to date people here to marry. Apps don’t work at all and reaching out to strangers in public feels like a no no since everyone knows everyone. Easier to do this in cities than here.

Plus people I knew of are already dating someone or already married. Some have decided not to marry anyone but are up for dating(More power to them)

People here still don’t setup people with their friends I guess , some friends suggested me to reach out to their cousins/sister but that seems like a Pandora’s box and comes with a fallout I’m not ready to take.

I tried reaching out to people on social media and went on dates eventually but no one wants to build something together and is into rosters and causal intimacy(Not that it’s wrong just not for me rn)

So meeting someone apart from the Arranged Marriage setup is extremely difficult. I’m reaching the 30s right now but still want to give love a chance

At least once a week a new ‘rishta’ comes, from people we know of and the people on the ‘CV’ and pic look pretty and well read but where are these people if you want to date them and they want to marry. I mean parents are progressive here and won’t stop people from dating so where are these kind of people if you wanna meet them organically

I don’t want to meet people through this setup right now even though I’m not averse to Arranged marriage but how to meet people to date here.

Saw the divorce rate spike around my generation and want to take my time understanding each other.

Else arranged marriage it is

So I’m a tall 6’1 fair able bodied guy born and brought up in Shimla with roots in upper Himachal

Went to an all boys school and then shifted out of state for college and then for job.

Work in tech, make good money, have hobbies and am quite social (like Pahadis are :) )

Come from a good family, both parents have pensions and have our own house in town and some orchards and house in the village.No societal restrictions like caste or anything.

Now everything in life was fine, was dating this girl for a some time and we broke up. It happens.

It’s been extremely difficult to meet new people organically now that I am trying to date people here to marry. Apps don’t work at all and reaching out to strangers in public feels like a no no since everyone knows everyone. Easier to do this in cities than here.

Plus people I knew of are already dating someone or already married. Some have decided not to marry anyone but are up for dating(More power to them)

People here still don’t setup people with their friends I guess , some friends suggested me to reach out to their cousins/sister but that seems like a Pandora’s box and comes with a fallout I’m not ready to take.

I tried reaching out to people on social media and went on dates eventually but no one wants to build something together and is into rosters and causal intimacy(Not that it’s wrong just not for me rn)

So meeting someone apart from the Arranged Marriage setup is extremely difficult. I’m reaching the 30s right now but still want to give love a chance

At least once a week a new ‘rishta’ comes, from people we know of and the people on the ‘CV’ and pic look pretty and well read but where are these people if you want to date them and they want to marry. I mean parents are progressive here and won’t stop people from dating so where are these kind of people if you wanna meet them organically

I don’t want to meet people through this setup right now even though I’m not averse to Arranged marriage but how to meet people to date here.

Saw the divorce rate spike around my generation and want to take my time understanding each other.

Else arranged marriage it is

My bf 29M is appearing for the Neet PG.It’s his 4th drop (2 for UG and 2 for PG). Everything seemed great until the change in pattern and cities was announced and now is panicking to the point of committing self harm. I had to get his family involved who are now taking care of him. He hasn’t taken a job till now as well so crushes his self worth.

Plus the increased competition and test ranks have him rattled.
How are the rest of you holding up and dealing with the stress?

A little background

I’m my bf’s first relationship after high school, his ex dated his bff and are going to get married and are no longer on speaking terms and hate each other. (Past trauma)
This is a major cornerstone of his life to hate the ex and his bff.

Now he suffers from depression and anxiety and is extremely sensitive. As a defence mechanism he snaps at the minutest of things when stressed.

He is prepping for Neet PG which is in 24 days, is extremely stressed due to the increase in number of applicants and the test results which are coming.

This is his 4th drop in total (2 for UG and 2 for PG) and has never held a job.

He said he’s suicidal(partly due to me since I’m the only person he’s in contact with apart from his family) and was verbally abusive during our call last night.

He has a habit of telling me he will dump me whenever he wants, mostly due to his insecurity that I’m out of his league and has never made me feel secure in this relationship.

He has his mental health struggles and also has developed fibromyalgia and takes medication for it.

He says very hurtful stuff when angry to everyone and when anger subsides will apologise.

Plus he has no conflict management skills and enters all issues wither to feel good about himself or be right. Basically my way or high way. But comes back after a day or two with a level head understanding that he was wrong and says sorry.

He often says things like I hope I die and the guilt comes on you when angry or I hope I come under the bus and guilt comes on you when angry, justifying that he feels so hurt and wants the other person to feel the same as well.

He has a really bad habit of getting sloshed every-time he drinks, which is seldom but can’t control his alcohol.

He is verbally abusive and thin skinned.

I had a call with his sibling regarding the suicidal thing since it wasn’t the first time he said something similar but was told on the other end that he’s gone through much worse and will be fine. That he doesn’t mean it and says stuff in spite.

Even though it’s true the impact remains and is extremely draining.

He knows he brings past traumas between our relationship and that is something that I have repeatedly pointed out with my bond being a place for his hate and vitriol and things getting blown out of proportion due to his stress and isolation and past traumas.

Plus the few people around him want to make sure he goes through, and make true statements that he is like this only and is a good guy at heart, not to take anything seriously.

I know I have my flaws which he didn’t like but I have actively worked on getting better and have levelled up whereas he though has too tried to work on his issues hasn’t shown any progress.
Plus new flaws get repeated and thrown in my face in each conflict.
He goes too far during conflicts sometimes and will then backtrack and say sorry when feels guilty and say sorry but will always give a justification for his behaviour.

Everyone has been placating him for his behaviour all his life and he has made great progress from where he started but that was before I met him.

I had a health scare at my home and instead of asking about me he literally called thrashing me why did I share the info with him and disturb his mind. But later said sorry when confronted. I gave him a pass thinking he is extremely stressed.

Lately I have been feeling like I have become an outlet for his stress. I have a hard time standing up for myself but on the last call was adamant that he isn’t thinking straight and the only thing everyone wants is to help him succeed, even if it costs us our relationship or me going no contact.
Things took a weird then with him being hurtful even when told to stop especially with the suicidal thing and me being a part of it even though we were not taking for the last two weeks. I didn’t back down and showed a spine and self respect and then the call went in multiple directions when all allegations were answered to. Seemed like an outburst. I was not in a place to hear his ‘feelings’ which might be valid but not based on truth.

I had already distanced myself emotionally with the health scare incident but still would like to hear the harsh truth.
Understand we have a lot of common friends and will be seeing each other all the time in future as well.

I know he is a kind person at heart on his good days and has a kind reputation but what do I need to hear ?

PS I’m not with him cause he’s a doctor. I work in tech and make way more money than him.

My bf is going through a tough time, has been prepping for NEET PG which is in a month, is his 4th drop in total (2 for UG, 2 for PG) and has had no jobs till now, though will surely pass this time.

He suffers from severe anxiety and depression. Takes medication for the same and has had traumatic experiences with friends and family so developed fibromyalgia and is on medication for it.
He overthinks a lot as well and reads into each word spoken and constantly evaluates what others think of him.

On his bad days he is verbally abusive as a defence mechanism, extremely sensitive and thin skinned.Says stuff like I hope I die and guilt comes on you.

He has issues with accountability and will never enter conflicts to solve it but to prove himself right or feel good. Though one day later comes back and apologises when he realises it.

His mom is having a chronic disease and all of us feel a lot for him. My sibling sort of warned me against dating him but he is genuinely a really kind and loving person normally.
He makes me feel insecure as well saying stuff like he will dump me someday and that he doesn’t want to marry. This is because he thinks I’m out of his league, has really low self respect and that he will end up alone, though wants to get married and have kids but thinks he can’t because of his mental health issues.

He is unable to keep past traumas separate and keeps projecting them between our relationship even though we have had no conflicts which were similar.

I do see a future with him but tell me what I need to hear.

PS I make way more money than him and work in tech.

Hi

So I’m a 6’1 fair able bodied man from upper Himachal in my early 30s, upper middle class, born and brought up in Shimla making good money in tech living in a Tier 1 city.
Have no societal restrictions as such as well and have had multiple relationships (all from my culture) with really good people in the past.

Had a breakup with my long time gf and took a break from dating for a couple of months before I started dating my current partner who though is a great person has her own demons, suffers from severe anxiety and depression.

I only started dating in college post clearing JEE with the intention of marrying itself since I was a nerd and geek (small town boy things)

But even after doing everything right have been disappointed by people or circumstances.
Plus now am facing pressure from literally everyone I know to get married and ‘settled’. There has been a constant influx of arranged marriage ‘rishtas’ that I or my parents are being bombarded with.

Even though my parents are extremely liberal and encourage me to find a partner from anywhere I want, even they seem to be succumbing to the societal pressure that I’m in the right age and such good ‘rishtas’ won’t come again.

I though am really sceptical about relationships now and want to take my time with my current partner as well (who agrees to this btw)

But in the rare case this doesn’t work out how does society treat such men in general and do their marriage prospects dwindle?

Hi

So I’m a 6’1 fair able bodied man from upper Himachal in my early 30s, upper middle class, born and brought up in Shimla making good money in tech living in a Tier 1 city.
Have no societal restrictions as such as well and have had multiple relationships (all from my culture) with really good people in the past.

Had a breakup with my long time gf and took a break from dating for a couple of months before I started dating my current partner who though is a great person has her own demons, suffers from severe anxiety and depression.

I only started dating in college post clearing JEE with the intention of marrying itself since I was a nerd and geek (small town boy things)

But even after doing everything right have been disappointed by people or circumstances.
Plus now am facing pressure from literally everyone I know to get married and ‘settled’. There has been a constant influx of arranged marriage ‘rishtas’ that I or my parents are being bombarded with.

Even though my parents are extremely liberal and encourage me to find a partner from anywhere I want, even they seem to be succumbing to the societal pressure that I’m in the right age and such good ‘rishtas’ won’t come again.

I though am really sceptical about relationships now and want to take my time with my current partner as well (who agrees to this btw)

But in the rare case this doesn’t work out how does society treat such men in general and do their marriage prospects dwindle?

I’m an able bodied good looking 6’1 fair guy with upper middle class background and make good money in tech.
Have no social constraints as well and have had multiple relationships with good people over the last 11 years.
Lately had a breakup with a long term gf and started dating another person after staying single for 6 months.
The new gf is kind and loving but has her own demons, we got introduced via common friends. We have no conflict on things related to us but things which are related to her mental health and people surrounding us. She has severe anxiety , is extremely pessimistic in general and depression as well.

I used to be a geek and nerd and started dating people only after clearing JEE in college with the intention of marrying.

How does single life treat Indian men in tier 1 cities in their late 40s if o go down this route?

TLDR: How does life treat single men in the late 30s and beyond since I can date people causally till late 30s in Tier 1 cities

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?

While slogging away years to get that DM or Mch when did you guys finally decide to get married? Was it along the journey or after ? How did you manage relationships, family and societal expectations ? How is married life now ?

My partner 29F will be joining pg this year that too in surgery.
Any thoughts to balance work life situation will be extremely helpful.

While slogging away years to get that DM or Mch when did you guys finally decide to get married? Was it along the journey or after ? How did you manage relationships, family and societal expectations ? How is married life now ?

My partner 29F will be joining pg this year that too in surgery.
Any thoughts to balance work life situation will be extremely helpful.

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?

My partner has taken 4 drops total till now 2 for UG and 2 for PG. Will hopefully join residency next year, she will be 29 by that time. She hasn’t worked till now and has slogged the last decade just trying to crack exams and survive MBBS. Our state has a two year bond so she will be 34 when she gets eligible for SS. She wants to take surgery which itself is a very demanding branch and has a very steep learning curve. She will probably be 37-38 when she completes her SS.
The earliest she can complete this is 36 if she doesn’t serve the bond or goes for a central institute and cracks it in the first attempt post PG.
SS in itself is very demanding. Now I see her comparing herself to her peers who are earning well now, going on trips and moving ahead in life. This includes people getting married and getting into serious relationships and practising independence.
Even if she starts earning stipend she won’t have the time to spend this money. Even if she stops at PG she will be 32/34 by the time she’s doe with the degree/bond.
She doesn’t even like med school and wanted to pursue a different path but was forced by parents since she was smart in school.
I see her working hard daily and really feel for her. Is this life really worth it?