u/Lilith_Sternin_Crane

I hate it. I’m 20 and I’m privileged that this is only like the second major health condition I have, but it’s one that makes me really grumpy.

It’s embarrassing and I feel so alone in dealing with it as I only know one person who has similar leakage issues and she‘s 40 and I just speak to her through my church lol. Gemtesa has been a life saver but it’s SO expensive even with insurance. And I still spent half my life with wet underwear all the time because my family just said it was normal, which is embarrassing too.

I‘m not doing amazingly but I didn’t start crying!

CW: Sensitive medical issues

I have struggled with bladder leakage since I was a preteen, and, for a combination of embarrassment and I guess not knowing what was going on (I thought I was just super sweaty), I didn't tell anybody about it.

I finally went to a doctor. He put me on a medication. Just like that, I'm dry again. I feel so much better. I feel like I can go out and live life again.

One time I posted about dealing with a cancer scare, and how that was hard on top of working and attending school full-time.

I got some helpful comments and a bunch telling me to go to therapy. Ah yes, because I have time and money to spend on MORE appointments.

Since then, I've noticed it a lot. "I feel like I'm drowning with no time away from my kids" therapy. "I have no time to sleep" therapy. I one time saw one where somebody was homeless in a shelter. Yeah, therapy will probably help one day, but I don't think that's a right-now priority when we're still working in surviving and getting to stable housing.

Plus then people are quick to dismiss harmful therapy with "You need to try again, you need to shop around, it's common to try again 10+ times, it's harder to find a therapist who's a good fit than dating" (I got told that one time)--like, at least if it were a more reliable solution like "Go to the clinic and get an antibiotic," you could argue it's more worth it, but now we're spending countless hours and money that we don't have in hopes that there's a 10% chance I click with the therapist. All to discuss with them the lack of time and money I have lol.

Apparently if I “think positively and put good energy into the world,” I can fix all my health issues.

Looking forward to all the money I save on medications, I guess.

This woman has a license and a degree too, and supposedly practiced “evidence-based“ CBT and DBT.

Apparently if I “think positively and put good energy into the world,” I can fix all my health issues.

Looking forward to all the money I save on medications, I guess.

This woman has a license and a degree too, and supposedly practiced “evidence-based“ CBT and DBT.

Like sorry I want to not pee myself?

I can only afford it for a couple months (about $100/month) so my doctor has me on a plan to take it while doing PT and bladder training then hopefully take me back off it, but he was saying that he wishes it was covered more because it helps so many women and is so unacceptable.

Like sorry I want to not pee myself?

I can only afford it for a couple months (about $100/month) so my doctor has me on a plan to take it while doing PT and bladder training then hopefully take me back off it, but he was saying that he wishes it was covered more because it helps so many women and is so unacceptable.

I remember that, at my time in school (2010s-early 2020s), boys had MUCH more allowance for fully traumatizing behaviors than girls. Talking about it, people accused me of not understanding trauma/neurodivergence because I wasn't 100% sympathetic to the violent classmates I had in elementary because "He could be traumatized! He could be neurodivergent!"

I got an ACE score of 7 myself lol, I was sensitive to trauma. I remember one of the violent boys saying "I'm acting out because my dad beats my mom up."

I appreciated the self-reflection but my dad also beat my mom up and I just hid under desks as a reaction to my classmate triggering me with his own violent antics. When I was homeless, I showed up to school in dirty clothes. When the man touched me as a teenager, I wasn't even allowed to leave some classes to go to court because my teachers were pains, and I never felt compelled to lash out at my classmates. I just dealt with the punishment. Because by that point I had been so broken down that the only thing I could do was sit quietly and obey. My kindergarten teacher said that her favorite thing about me was that I stared out the window blankly in silence. It was "easy for her to deal with."

The misbehaving students got candy and cookies. I never got my cookie. Never. I had no choice but to behave. I wish teachers and schools were aware of that too.

I was expected to sit still and quietly, keep all my things tidy, do my work, help my classmates, be agreeable, etc. I used to get pulled out to tutor the other students in other classes when I finished my work early. Zero stickers for that. Just blame for when those students didn't improve.

I understand trauma. I understand it well. I also needed help and went under the radar. But I never had anywhere safe TO misbehave, and now people can't believe that I was ever hurt.

But it felt like boys could do whatever...

I made another post somewhere and people accused me of not understanding trauma/neurodivergence because I wasn't 100% sympathetic to the violent classmates I had in elementary because "He could be traumatized! He could be neurodivergent!"

I got an ACE score of 7 myself lol, I was sensitive to trauma. I remember one of the violent boys saying "I'm acting out because my dad beats my mom up."

I appreciated the self-reflection but my dad also beat my mom up and I just hid under desks as a reaction to my classmate triggering me with his own violent antics. When I was homeless, I showed up to school in dirty clothes. When the man touched me as a teenager, I wasn't even allowed to leave some classes to go to court because my teachers were pains, and I never felt compelled to lash out at my classmates. I just dealt with the punishment. Because by that point I had been so broken down that the only thing I could do was sit quietly and obey. My kindergarten teacher said that her favorite thing about me was that I stared out the window blankly in silence. It was "easy for her to deal with."

The misbehaving students got candy and cookies. I never got my cookie. Never. I had no choice but to behave. I wish teachers and schools were aware of that too.

I was expected to sit still and quietly, keep all my things tidy, do my work, help my classmates, be agreeable, etc. I used to get pulled out to tutor the other students in other classes when I finished my work early. Zero stickers for that. Just blame for when those students didn't improve.

I understand trauma. I understand it well. I also needed help and went under the radar. But I never had anywhere safe TO misbehave, and now people can't believe that I was ever hurt.

Like, I appreciate the thought I guess, but I have my own therapist lol. I get that this other woman is good (I've seen her work, after all), but I don't want her.

And for clarification, my professor isn't concerned that I'm a danger or incapable or anything. She agrees that my mental health is good. She's just like "MY therapist is great and we have the same insurance. Do you want her number?"

My fault for putting this off so long, but, in two days, I have a gyno appointment.

I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and have some big issues with things getting put into me lol.

People give the advice that I should tell the doctor, but how? Do I need to just call the office and tell the receptionist? I kind of don't want to keep repeating my story to strangers but I don't want to catch the doctor by surprise when I show up for the appointment.

As a child raised by some interesting parents, I understand that I feel pretty extreme on the end of punishments (e.g. getting punished for sneezing too loudly or coughing at night).

As a result, I see a lot of my (slightly older) friends parent their kids and they...don't seem to be doing punishments at all? Like at best they speak to the kid in a serious tone? There's no punishments whatsoever? They don't even use the term "punishment?"

Is that how it's always supposed to have been????

They feel so weird and heavy and uncomfortable. I do not like them. I do not like the button. I do not like the zipper. People say "Oh wear them more often, they'll become more comfortable!" I don't need to break in my yoga pants. This seems to be a strange jeans-specific phenomenon, and I don't think it's worth it, unless you're working some type of job that necessitates denim pants.

Minute points for the weird bottom pockets. They always make me feel sexualized.

Asking because both my sister and I got way less need-based aid from our state school than the private schools we're going to. I'm going to be a senior in college and my sister is starting her first year, so this isn't a super recent thing either. Our relatives make fun of us for being pretentious but genuinely I don't know how people are making public schools work.

It might just be the state we're in, but Rutgers's in-state tuition, including room and board, was about $45,000 a year for each of us (after we appealed for more aid after receiving packages from other schools, and we both got into the Honors College as well). My school is free, including room and board, and my sister's is about $15,000 a year, including room and board. All of this was need-based, we didn't get any merit aid.

I can see how the state school would be cheaper if we lived at home, but that isn't the most practical for us as we live over an hour away, and honestly, why would we do that when we can go to the private school for cheaper and include room and board?

Rutgers would give us the option to finish in half the time with AP credit (our private schools only took like one class from each of us, so not a noticeable dent at all), though even two years of Rutgers would still be more expensive than four at either of our private schools. And, I am pre-medical and a lot of medical schools don't take AP credit for prereqs, so I was happy to spend the four years knocking those out. My sister doesn't know exactly what she wants to study (has a general idea) and so she appreciates the extra time too.

I remember that we both got recommended our state school as a "good, affordable option" but it was by far the most expensive. Is this just a Rutgers thing? Why in the world are state schools so expensive when they're meant to be the public, affordable option?

Aside from the obvious and primary concerns about child endangerment and death, monetizing a tragedy, a lack of basic water awareness, unfairness in the justice system, etc., I notice a lot of people who say "I don't even have kids and I'm really upset about this."

And I think that that's partially because we have basic empathy, but also because most of us can relate to adults failing us when we were meant to be taken care of.

I noticed that I had this visceral...anger at seeing videos of T2 on the boat without a life jacket and thinking "Why is this triggering me beyond just a 'holy smokes keep your kid safe?'" And then I realized that it's because seeing parents over and over again neglect basic safety protocol reminded me of my parents, who neglected medical symptoms I had for years until I needed surgery and lost function of an organ. From an entirely preventable issue. And then they did the same to my sibling.

We can't all relate to being a (negligent) parent, but I think most of us can relate to being the powerless child. People say "Give her grace, you're not in her situation" but I've been in T2's situation. I was there screaming on the floor asking to go to the hospital and saw both my parents turn on reels instead. We're not her, but most of us can relate to her situation, on the side of the child, and we're speaking from that position.

Asking because I (19) and my friends/siblings (about 10 total) who underwent therapy as children/teenagers found it actively harmful. Like, we would've been better off it not going. We went into the process open and willing to work, and came out of it disliking therapy and swearing off it for life.

I know one person (50) who has found benefit. She did DBT as well as a related group. She says it helped her through her divorce.

My question is: was our issue that therapy for CHILDREN was harmful, and we'd have benefitted if we were older, or is the 50 year old I know just the unicorn?

Asking because I (19) and my friends/siblings (about 10 total) who underwent therapy as children/teenagers found it actively harmful. Like, we would've been better off it not going. We went into the process open and willing to work, and came out of it disliking therapy and swearing off it for life.

I know one person (50) who has found benefit. She did DBT as well as a related group. She says it helped her through her divorce.

My question is: was our issue that therapy for CHILDREN was harmful, and we'd have benefitted if we were older, or is the 50 year old I know just the unicorn?

I learned this in childhood when my parents screamed at me for seemingly nothing:

Apologize for every random thing.

"Sorry to bother you. Sorry to ask questions. Sorry to interrupt (even if you're not interrupting). Excuse me, sorry to interject. Sorry for the delay (when I'm early). Sorry for not knowing this already. Sorry that happened" etc. etc. etc.

It's unethical because I rarely mean these apologies, but it goes over so well. People went from calling me annoying to calling me a delight to work with.

My sister and I have a complex relationship with therapy, as our parents took a stance of "Don't you dare be sad at home, we're paying for therapy specifically so that you're always happy at home. We don't want to deal with your negative emotions."

For the past couple months, my sister has been having nightmares and been going to me because our mom is unhelpful in that arena (keeps just telling her to go back to therapy). So I'm playing substitute mom. Which is fine but exhausting for me because I myself am not that much older than her and still in school. I don't really have the life experience to help. But anytime our sister goes back to our mom, it's "You need to be in therapy, if you had just worked hard in therapy you wouldn't be having this problem"

(My sister has nightmares about our parents' fighting and neither wants to address it)

I don't know what to do. Does anybody have any nightmare tips? Please don't recommend therapy; I myself have been to 9 different therapists over 6 years of my life and honestly found it actively harmful, I can't recommend it in good conscience.