u/cocacolageekbar

(23f) meet a guy (25m) he tells me all of his exes did him wrong prior. okay. very obsessive/marriage talk from the start. i have a history of sw during active addiction and he didnt like it. when i met him i was just out of rehab year sober i was still doing of but he helped me financially to get out of it. i start what in his mind is microcheating; kept around a friend who used to like me and said no when there was anything between us believing that to mean "have you ever been together/been physical", he went through my phone saw me rejecting him years ago, was deemed a liar. sent heart emojis to a gay influencer. when i understood his reactions i lied about contacting a mutual friend about someone i was physical in active addiction with asking if he had died yet. by the end of it i was accused, followed, broken up with constantly, roof threatened over my head, last mistake i made was contacting other people including men about housing thinking the ex was being genuine with his threats. he saw that = more evidence i was trying to "lilypad".

one night he gets upset over notifications. they were from landlords as he wanted help finding us a place. blew up, harsh words thrown at my face, im never having a daughter lest she end up like you, did you really think i wanted to live with you, w word, etc. 3 days of me texting him trying to reconcile, 3 days of him texting insults of character and telling me to get out of his life.

there was also an incident of him being all sing song and sweet coercing me into an act which i changed my mind about after and he got upset and i was made to the villain. was told i should be accessed whenever and that he was upset my past clients during active addiction had me however they wanted and he couldnt.

at that point i wanted to get high from the push and pull, cut everyone off, did not benefit from the relationship in the slightest other than being financially taken care of, so i left. not without leaving letters and trying to get it though to him that we should take distance. no he took it as abandonment, was hurt, which channeled into rage. threatened my life knowing i knew he bought a gun, saw no part in why i left, told me i was a liar a cheater. i kept begging him to understand. invited me over once most likely needing a nut, did that in me no protection as he always told me it felt better, i thought we were good again and was relieved, two hours after i leave he tells me he doesnt forgive me and to leave him alone. i left without a job, going through his kids abrtion, found a job that did not cover any living expenses. i asked him for help and he thought i was asking to help finance a date with another guy. mother ended up in the hospital and i decided to pay rent that month by going back to non penetrative sw. i felt disgusted with myself and thankfully landed a second job shortly after.

in april he decides he wants me again. i was overjoyed, he finally understands again i want him and no one but him. i apologize for leaving and he apologizes for threatening my life. tells me the only thing thatll break us up is whatever i did during our "no contact". i never considered it that, rather a break, as his behavior was indicative of wanting nothing to do with me.

i already knew how he'd take the truth of what i did, and i knew he'd never understand. i thought i'd be able to carry it to the grave but was not, i came to him in tears telling him i couldnt live with the guilt and told him. night and day, beforehand he was fantasizing about a marriage and 2 days later i have an eviction on my name. told me i brought out his deepest trauma of a girl doing stuff to someone else and coming home and kissing him. i ask him to understand that we werent together and that i tried asking for his help beforehand but he refuses. 3 weeks i sat in his house looking for housing elsewhere, every 4-5 days he'd get soft and tell me he understands why i did it, that hes sorry he wasnt there for me, but no acknowledgement of why i left in the first place. he'd invite me to his room for sx and id fold. then he'd mention how hurt he is and we'd fight. i left last week.

from three months in, the entirety of the relationship revolved around how well i could prove i want this guy. my intentions were never to replace him. i stuck around him like a dog, had no social life, sacrificed my connections to ease him. he told me i didnt know how to take accountability and told me my mistakes imply more than i believed they did. for example i was told id pursue the person from use i lied about, and he began mentioning him more than i ever thought about him. i didnt know how to admit to something that wasnt true and was told he never got validation or closure for my mistakes. i was told all my male friends would fck if given the chance. i didnt see the world like that at all, and despite me staying through his worst moments, through trouble at work and bad checks and his yelling and insults he always thought hed be replaced. i thought i could fix his deepest traumas.

i just wanna know if its all my fault as he says. maybe the world is crueler than i think.

tdlr; how to tell if its your fault or trauma bond

meet a guy he tells me all of his exes did him wrong prior. okay. very obsessive/marriage talk from the start. i have a history of sw during active addiction and he didnt like it. when i met him i was just out of rehab year sober i was still doing of but he helped me financially to get out of it. i start what in his mind is microcheating; kept around a friend who used to like me and said no when there was anything between us believing that to mean "have you ever been together/been physical", he went through my phone saw me rejecting him years ago, was deemed a liar. sent heart emojis to a gay influencer. when i understood his reactions i lied about contacting a mutual friend about someone i was physical in active addiction with asking if he had died yet. by the end of it i was accused, followed, broken up with constantly, roof threatened over my head, last mistake i made was contacting other people including men about housing thinking the ex was being genuine with his threats. he saw that + more evidence i was trying to "lilypad".

one night he gets upset over notifications. they were from landlords as he wanted help finding us a place. blew up, harsh words thrown at my face, im never having a daughter lest she end up like you, did you really think i wanted to live with you, w word, etc. 3 days of me texting him trying to reconcile, 3 days of him texting insults of character and telling me to get out of his life.

there was also an incident of him being all sing song and sweet coercing me into an act which i changed my mind about after and he got upset and i was made to the villain. was told i should be accessed whenever and that he was upset my past clients during active addiction had me however they wanted and he couldnt.

at that point i wanted to get high from the push and pull, cut everyone off, did not benefit from the relationship in the slightest other than being financially taken care of, so i left. not without leaving letters and trying to get it though to him that we should take distance. no he took it as abandonment, was hurt, which channeled into rage. threatened my life knowing i knew he bought a gun, saw no part in why i left, told me i was a liar a cheater. i kept begging him to understand. invited me over once most likely needing a nut, did that in me no protection as he always told me it felt better, i thought we were good again and was relieved, two hours after i leave he tells me he doesnt forgive me and to leave him alone. i left without a job, going through his kids abrtion, found a job that did not cover any living expenses. i asked him for help and he thought i was asking to help finance a date with another guy. mother ended up in the hospital and i decided to pay rent that month by going back to non penetrative sw. i felt disgusted with myself and thankfully landed a second job shortly after.

in april he decides he wants me again. i was overjoyed, he finally understands again i want him and no one but him. i apologize for leaving and he apologizes for threatening my life. tells me the only thing thatll break us up is whatever i did during our "no contact". i never considered it that, rather a break, as his behavior was indicative of wanting nothing to do with me.

i already knew how he'd take the truth of what i did, and i knew he'd never understand. i thought i'd be able to carry it to the grave but was not, i came to him in tears telling him i couldnt live with the guilt and told him. night and day, beforehand he was fantasizing about a marriage and 2 days later i have an eviction on my name. told me i brought out his deepest trauma of a girl doing stuff to someone else and coming home and kissing him. i ask him to understand that we werent together and that i tried asking for his help beforehand but he refuses. 3 weeks i sat in his house looking for housing elsewhere, every 4-5 days he'd get soft and tell me he understands why i did it, that hes sorry he wasnt there for me, but no acknowledgement of why i left in the first place. he'd invite me to his room for sx and id fold. then he'd mention how hurt he is and we'd fight. i left last week.

from three months in, the entirety of the relationship revolved around how well i could prove i want this guy. my intentions were never to replace him. i stuck around him like a dog, had no social life, sacrificed my connections to ease him. he told me i didnt know how to take accountability and told me my mistakes imply more than i believed they did. for example i was told id pursue the person from use i lied about, and he began mentioning him more than i ever thought about him. i didnt know how to admit to something that wasnt true and was told he never got validation or closure for my mistakes. i was told all my male friends would fck if given the chance. i didnt see the world like that at all, and despite me staying through his worst moments, through trouble at work and bad checks and his yelling and insults he always thought hed be replaced. i thought i could fix his deepest traumas.

i just wanna know if its all my fault as he says. maybe the world is crueler than i think.

i just moved into a room in a house where the guy is older and doesnt care for internet. i just need wifi for a laptop and a phone, nothing extreme or energy consuming. what can i place into the room to get a connection going? a 5g hotspot?

i just moved into a room in a house where the guy is older and doesnt care for internet. i just need wifi for a laptop and a phone, nothing extreme or energy consuming. what can i place into the room to get a connection going? a 5g hotspot?

i just moved into a room in a house where the guy is older and doesnt care for internet. i just need wifi for a laptop and a phone, nothing extreme or energy consuming. what can i place into the room to get a connection going? a 5g hotspot?

i cant stay away from story viewer websites sometimes and hes always posting something to show off, he bought a car after the breakup his feed was car keys and designer for a week, he just posted a 30s clip flashing his 100s and 20s over lil peep.

i dont know why it makes me feel so sick. ive always been envious of how ill never make as much as he does a week and i think about that number constantly. he went out and got 8 tattoos, designer purchases since the breakup and it makes me jealous he has means to cope.

i genuinely never thought id be interested in someone who expresses so much materialism. especially when he tells me he prays wants to change the world help people etc. his version of help is handing out bills. as he did with me.

money was really the only constant that came out of him for the duration of us, he'd buy me things we'd go out to get caviar and crackers yet he'd scream at me the day after.

im so scared that he genuinely believes that will save him. that it genuinely replaces me in his eyes. that "holding a band feels better than holding her hand".

ive relied on men-sw, relationships, for years. i left a shitty relationship where he paid for everything, tried honest work which paid me 300 per week got desperate and i ended up going back into grey area sw twice and it disgusted me. got back with him then told him about it later now hes leaving me for what i did and im afraid ill end up back there again. i thankfully am leaving with a job this time but want to learn how to fend for myself.

i trigger finger those story viewer websites sometimes and hes always posting some shit to show off, he bought a car after the breakup his feed was car keys and louie v for a week, he just took money out of the bank i guess and posted a 30s clip playing around with his 100s and 20s over lil peep.

i dont know why it makes me feel sooo sick. ive always been envious of how ill never make as much as he does a week and i think about that number constantly. he went out and got 8 tattoos, designer purchases since the breakup and it makes me jealous he has means to cope.

i genuinely never thought id be interested in someone who expresses so much materialism. especially when he tells me he goes to church wants to change the world help people etc. his version of help is handing out bills. as he did with me.

money was really the only constant that came out of him for the duration of us, he'd buy me things we'd go out to get caviar and crackers yet he'd scream at me the day after.

im so scared that he genuinely believes that shit will save him. that it genuinely replaces me in his eyes. that "holding a wad feels better than holding her hand".

i love the look of the ukrainian lada or the russian mobster bmw e34. however those cars are not cheap and i am looking for something for daily use. everything is curved nowadays. i love right angles.

he seemed to come into the relationship with trust issues and a preconceived narrative about women and me. mistakes i made afterwards he deemed microcheating only served his narrative that i was out to get him and he became unrecognizable, screaming yelling threatening the roof over my head, push and pulling/hot colding. i didnt feel loved or wanted, i cut off everything but him to have him, and even then 1/2 time he was breaking up with me. i ended up leaving, we reconciled after i forced it, now it has fallen apart and i am being left. despite threatening my life i would run back to him, believing i could help him understand that he was loved.

he tells me i made him the way he is. vengeful and resentful. i know it all comes from hurt. when he experiences guilt he only regrets his "picker being off" and giving me a chance. not the way he made me feel, scrutinized, surveilled, isolated.

has gotten a new car and 8 tattoos since the break up. tells me hes going to church and is "helping others" while being as godless as possible filing for eviction a week after i lost time at work to abort his child, calling me cruel names, acting as thought i never meant anything to him. he threatened a restraining order to top it off saturday night. sometimes get warm, invites me up to his room for sex which at this point is the only excuse i can use to try and get close to him again. sometimes it slips out that he understands why i left, that he is sorry, that he doesnt know what he'll do without me.

the thing is i experience borderline symptoms as well, which is what he is diagnosed with, with latching and fearing being left. the push/pull is truly exhilarating. i hope i can still get some advisal despite.

i truly dont know. are there any questions i can ask myself to come to a definitive answer?

i’m actually losing my mind trying to deal with this breakup. i will seriously pay someone to help me understand if this boy is right. please read it all i have a part as well.

i met a kid who told me he has trust issues. i was told by his friends that im the first girl he’s been with who wasnt one foot into drug relapse. some iffy language from the start about other women, told me i felt different. he jumped right into the relationship, obsession from month one. i started making what he deems evidence for his fav descriptors “liar cheater manipulator”. had a friend who used to like me i cut off. texted some gay male artist about lyrics with heart emojis. lied to him about texting an ex’s mutual about whether he was dead or alive. asked other people about housing when we were unstable and he threatened the roof over my head. i also had a history of sex work in active addiction that scared him, was used against me constant. told me he had “gut feelings” and they were all right.

all of that culminated into me being broken up with every week, scrutinized about my whereabouts, hissed at during splits. keep in mind ive slapped him once when he was threatening to leave again, and punched him when he insulted the kid in my stomach, that i aborted. 3 abortions with this kid, probably counting. the killer for me was "i mean everything i say when im angry". he has said things that have broke me. the push and pull ruined me, but kept me hooked. 5 months in i wanted to get high so i left, but not before trying to reconcile. he just kept telling me to leave. it was awful, so i packed and left while he was at work. not before leaving letters saying we just need space and im not trying to leave him emotionally. no job, no plan, aborting a kid.

tried to contact, more hissing. he was distraught that i actually left and displayed it through anger. i tried to help him understand why i had to go. he would let me in and kept asking to buy me as merely a prostitute. it broke me, my person devaluing me to what he condemns most from my past. more clawing from me, more threats and condemnation from his end. "how hasnt anyone killed you yet. i wish i could kill you so you dont gather more victims". i saw him once, we had sex, i left and we had a ft call about our future, an hour afterwards he told me he needs more time. waved at me while i was waiting at the bus stop once in interview attire and accused me of coming back from a date. i tried to ask him for money and he told me later down the line he believed it was for a date and rejected it. i finally gave up 6 weeks in, mother was in the hospital, needed to pay rent, my job was paying me 300 a week, i went back into grey area SW after a year and a half of sobriety and staying away from it. i felt disgusted by myself and continued to try and find other means and thankfully landed another job.

one day in april after i contact, he softens. i’m miserable i need you come over. he apologized for treating me poorly and threatening my life. i apologized for leaving and told him i should have fought harder despite being on death's door. “the only thing that’ll split us is anything you’ve done during no contact”. i froze up. i was so happy i finally got through to him and convinced him of the reality that i truly care for him, and i was ready to harbor that secret because i knew he wouldnt understand.

kept it a secret for 6 weeks before breaking down telling him i want him badly but i made a mistake. he told me he knew it from the start. i broke him completely because his gut feeling was right. night and day. future plan talks in the morning and planning an eviction in the evening. tried to tell the cop i was a one night stand. i proved him right and i am just another girl who fucked him over.

i try to make him understand what that act culminated from. as to why i left, that i was miserable, had nothing but him and even then 1/2 the time he was breaking up with me. he tells me my pride stopped me from asking for his help. he mentions the lying and the cheating as what made him act the way he did before i left. he mentions a week in december where his verbal abuse got so bad that i genuinely didn’t understand why he was with me so i kept telling him to go, and that he stayed, so should have i. that he was disrespecting himself throughout the entirety of my mishaps. that it is a blessing he will not find me in another girl. tells me i know all this. but i don’t. i feel like i have my own reality of what was happening but im scared im deluding myself to cope.

3 weeks ago he filed for eviction. i stupidly told him during a week where i was off of work aborting yet another child. i begged him for more time to harness another check. ive found a place to go but disgustingly i want to extend the process as long as possible. he yells and calls me horrible names but hes also gotten warm and has apologized, told me he understands why i did what i did, lets me kiss him. last night he invited me upstairs again after threatening a restraining order. i thought that would calm him and it did, he did not go to court this morning. sex is the easiest way to get close to him, and every time i do i cry in his warmth. the push and pull is insane, i used to be a drug addict and no drug comes close to the reconcile after the fighting.

is he right? did i really turn him into the person that made me leave in the first place? he could tell me the sky is red and i’d believe him. he’s told me i am vile and lying cheating etc and i believe him. but then my head gets confused because of how awful i felt during our first era. will he ever understand that he drove me away? if he gets into another relationship and the patterns continue will he continue blaming the girl? i think ill never recover if i know that he will think it is 100% my fault for the rest of his life.

he seemed to come into the relationship with trust issues and a preconceived narrative about women and me. mistakes i made afterwards he deemed microcheating only served his narrative that i was out to get him and he became unrecognizable, screaming yelling threatening the roof over my head, push and pulling/hot colding. i didnt feel loved or wanted, i cut off everything but him to have him, and even then 1/2 time he was breaking up with me. i ended up leaving, we reconciled after i forced it, now it has fallen apart and i am being left. despite threatening my life i would run back to him, believing i could help him understand that he was loved.

he tells me i made him the way he is. vengeful and resentful. i know it all comes from hurt. when he experiences guilt he only regrets his "picker being off" and giving me a chance. not the way he made me feel, scrutinized, surveilled, isolated.

has gotten a new car and 8 tattoos since the break up. tells me hes going to church and is "helping others" while being as godless as possible filing for eviction a week after i lost time at work to abort his child, calling me cruel names, acting as thought i never meant anything to him. he threatened a restraining order to top it off saturday night. sometimes get warm, invites me up to his room for sex which at this point is the only excuse i can use to try and get close to him again. sometimes it slips out that he understands why i left, that he is sorry, that he doesnt know what he'll do without me.

the thing is i experience borderline symptoms as well, with latching and fearing being left. the push/pull is truly exhilarating. i hope i can still get some advisal despite.

i truly dont know. are there any questions i can ask myself to come to a definitive answer?

he seemed to come into the relationship with trust issues and a preconceived narrative about women and me. mistakes i made afterwards he deemed microcheating only served his narrative that i was out to get him and he became unrecognizable, screaming yelling threatening the roof over my head, push and pulling/hot colding. i didnt feel loved or wanted, i cut off everything but him to have him, and even then 1/2 time he was breaking up with me. i ended up leaving, we reconciled after i forced it, now it has fallen apart and i am being left. despite threatening my life i would run back to him, believing i could help him understand that he was loved.

he tells me i made him the way he is. vengeful and resentful. i know it all comes from hurt. when he experiences guilt he only regrets his "picker being off" and giving me a chance. not the way he made me feel, scrutinized, surveilled, isolated.

has gotten a new car and 8 tattoos since the break up. tells me hes going to church and is "helping others" while being as godless as possible filing for eviction a week after i lost time at work to abort his child, calling me cruel names, acting as thought i never meant anything to him. he threatened a restraining order to top it off saturday night. sometimes get warm, invites me up to his room for sex which at this point is the only excuse i can use to try and get close to him again. sometimes it slips out that he understands why i left, that he is sorry, that he doesnt know what he'll do without me.

the thing is i experience borderline symptoms as well, which is what he is diagnosed with, with latching and fearing being left. the push/pull is truly exhilarating. i hope i can still get some advisal despite.

i truly dont know. are there any questions i can ask myself to come to a definitive answer?

i’m actually losing my mind trying to deal with this breakup. i will seriously pay someone to help me understand if this boy is right. please read it all i have a part as well.

i met a kid who told me he has trust issues. i was told by his friends that im the first girl he’s been with who wasnt one foot into drug relapse. some iffy language from the start about other women, told me i felt different. he jumped right into the relationship, obsession from month one. i started making what he deems evidence for his fav descriptors “liar cheater manipulator”. had a friend who used to like me i cut off. texted some gay male artist about lyrics with heart emojis. lied to him about texting an ex’s mutual about whether he was dead or alive. asked other people about housing when we were unstable and he threatened the roof over my head. i also had a history of sex work in active addiction that scared him, was used against me constant. told me he had “gut feelings” and they were all right.

all of that culminated into me being broken up with every week, scrutinized about my whereabouts, hissed at during splits. keep in mind ive slapped him once when he was threatening to leave again, and punched him when he insulted the kid in my stomach, that i aborted. 3 abortions with this kid, probably counting. the killer for me was "i mean everything i say when im angry". he has said things that have broke me. the push and pull ruined me, but kept me hooked. 5 months in i wanted to get high so i left, but not before trying to reconcile. he just kept telling me to leave. it was awful, so i packed and left while he was at work. not before leaving letters saying we just need space and im not trying to leave him emotionally. no job, no plan, aborting a kid.

tried to contact, more hissing. he was distraught that i actually left and displayed it through anger. i tried to help him understand why i had to go. he would let me in and kept asking to buy me as merely a prostitute. it broke me, my person devaluing me to what he condemns most from my past. more clawing from me, more threats and condemnation from his end. "how hasnt anyone killed you yet. i wish i could kill you so you dont gather more victims". i saw him once, we had sex, i left and we had a ft call about our future, an hour afterwards he told me he needs more time. waved at me while i was waiting at the bus stop once in interview attire and accused me of coming back from a date. i tried to ask him for money and he told me later down the line he believed it was for a date and rejected it. i finally gave up 6 weeks in, mother was in the hospital, needed to pay rent, my job was paying me 300 a week, i went back into grey area SW after a year and a half of sobriety and staying away from it. i felt disgusted by myself and continued to try and find other means and thankfully landed another job.

one day in april after i contact, he softens. i’m miserable i need you come over. he apologized for treating me poorly and threatening my life. i apologized for leaving and told him i should have fought harder despite being on death's door. “the only thing that’ll split us is anything you’ve done during no contact”. i froze up. i was so happy i finally got through to him and convinced him of the reality that i truly care for him, and i was ready to harbor that secret because i knew he wouldnt understand.

kept it a secret for 6 weeks before breaking down telling him i want him badly but i made a mistake. he told me he knew it from the start. i broke him completely because his gut feeling was right. night and day. future plan talks in the morning and planning an eviction in the evening. tried to tell the cop i was a one night stand. i proved him right and i am just another girl who fucked him over.

i try to make him understand what that act culminated from. as to why i left, that i was miserable, had nothing but him and even then 1/2 the time he was breaking up with me. he tells me my pride stopped me from asking for his help. he mentions the lying and the cheating as what made him act the way he did before i left. he mentions a week in december where his verbal abuse got so bad that i genuinely didn’t understand why he was with me so i kept telling him to go, and that he stayed, so should have i. that he was disrespecting himself throughout the entirety of my mishaps. that it is a blessing he will not find me in another girl. tells me i know all this. but i don’t. i feel like i have my own reality of what was happening but im scared im deluding myself to cope.

3 weeks ago he filed for eviction. i stupidly told him during a week where i was off of work aborting yet another child. i begged him for more time to harness another check. ive found a place to go but disgustingly i want to extend the process as long as possible. he yells and calls me horrible names but hes also gotten warm and has apologized, told me he understands why i did what i did, lets me kiss him. last night he invited me upstairs again after threatening a restraining order. i thought that would calm him and it did, he did not go to court this morning. sex is the easiest way to get close to him, and every time i do i cry in his warmth. the push and pull is insane, i used to be a drug addict and no drug comes close to the reconcile after the fighting.

is he right? did i really turn him into the person that made me leave in the first place? he could tell me the sky is red and i’d believe him. he’s told me i am vile and lying cheating etc and i believe him. but then my head gets confused because of how awful i felt during our first era. will he ever understand that he drove me away? if he gets into another relationship and the patterns continue will he continue blaming the girl? i think ill never recover if i know that he will think it is 100% my fault for the rest of his life.

i’m actually losing my mind trying to deal with this bpd x bpd breakup. i will seriously pay someone to help me understand if this boy is right. please read it all i have a part as well.

i met a kid who told me he has trust issues. i was told by his friends that im the first girl he’s been with who wasnt one foot into drug relapse. some iffy language from the start about other women, told me i felt different. he jumped right into the relationship, obsession from month one. i started making what he deems evidence for his fav descriptors “liar cheater manipulator”. had a friend who used to like me i cut off. texted some gay male artist about lyrics with heart emojis. lied to him about texting an ex’s mutual about whether he was dead or alive. asked other people about housing when we were unstable and he threatened the roof over my head. i also had a history of sex work in active addiction that scared him, was used against me constant. told me he had “gut feelings” and they were all right.

all of that culminated into me being broken up with every week, scrutinized about my whereabouts, hissed at during splits. the killer- “i mean everything i say during splits”; he has said things that have broke me. the push and pull ruined me, but kept me hooked. 5 months in i wanted to get high so i left, but not before trying TO STAY. he told me to leave before he did, that i would never willingly die because i need my holes to be kept pretty. it was awful, so i packed and left while he was at work. haha not before leaving letters saying we just need space and im not trying to leave him emotionally.

tried to contact, more hissing. he focused on the part that i left moreso than me trying to reconcile with him and help him understand why i had to go. he kept asking to buy me as merely a prostitute. it broke me, my person devaluing me to what he condemns most from my past. more clawing from me, more threats and condemnation from his end. i finally gave up, mother was in the hospital, needed to pay rent, i went back into grey area SW after a year and a half of sobriety and staying away from it.

one day in april he softens. i’m miserable i need you come over etc. it’s like we never separated. he apologized for treating me poorly and threatening my life. i apologized for leaving and told him i should have fought harder despite being on deaths door. “the only thing that’ll split us is anything you’ve done during no contact”. “no contact”? the fuck. you told me you had a gun and threatened to kill me so no one would have to “deal with me”. you call that a willing no contact. i froze up. i was so happy i finally got through to him and convinced him of the reality that i truly care for him.

kept it a secret for 6 weeks before breaking down telling him i want him badly but i made a mistake. he told me he knew it from the start. i broke him completely because his gut feeling was right. night and day. future plan talks in the morning and planning an eviction in the evening. tried to tell the cop i was a one night stand. i proved him right and i am just another girl who fucked him over.

i try to make him understand what that act culminated from. as to why i left, that i was miserable, had nothing but him and even then 1/2 the time he was breaking up with me. he mentions the lying and the cheating as what made him act the way he did before i left. he mentions a week in december where his splits got so bad that i genuinely didn’t understand why he was with me so i kept telling him to go, and that he stayed, so should have i. that he was disrespecting himself throughout the entirety of my mishaps. that it is a blessing he will not find me in another girl. tells me i know all this. but i don’t. i feel like i have my own reality of what was happening but im scared im deluding myself to cope.

is he right? did i really turn him into the person that made me leave in the first place? he could tell me the sky is red and i’d believe him. he’s told me i am vile and lying cheating etc and i believe him. but then my head gets confused because of how awful i felt during our first era. will he ever understand that he drove me away? if he gets into another relationship and the patterns continue will he continue blaming the girl? i think ill never recover if i know that he will think it is 100% my fault for the rest of his life.

im living with an unstable ex who filed an unlawful detainer against me on June 6th. he lied about the date of revoking permission and tried to self-help evict me before the cops arrived, so i responded and seem to have some more time whether a hearing is scheduled or not. the room i am looking at supposedly opens up this week.

he is very hot and cold and only grants access to him when he is calmer. yesterday we had consensual sex in the morning and at night, where i clawed up his back and gave him hickies and he gave me some as well. at night we fought yet again and i emailed him afterwards as he will not let me talk without yelling at me. he responded saying he will file a restraining order tomorrow which will give me 24hr to leave.

there is a police report from may claiming i broke a picture frame. i have also been emailing him from the time the eviction was filed while hes told me to leave him alone (then tells me he loves receiving messages from me). i am also afraid the marks on his back will be used against me, but i cant imagine the court not dealing with something like this regularly and not clocking the love bites and cat scratches on his back as consensual sex. what else could have happened, i was able to get behind him during an altercation and leave clear missionary style marks on his back? that i had enough time to leave distinct hickies on his stomach and neck while in an altercation?

im not scared of him but i am scared it will be approved. scared to be thrown out without some notice. i have no family in the state. he had threatened my life through text previously in march-april, i still came back. he screams at me and has not let go of my neck when i told him to stop during times he invited me upstairs. left painful hickies on me yday night when i told him to stop. nothing the court would deem worthy of a defense.

i just dont want the rug swept from underneath me.

location: florida

im living with an unstable ex who has filed an unlawful detainer against me on June 6th. he lied on the documents and tried to self-help evict me before the cops arrived, so i responded and seem to have some more time whether a hearing is scheduled or not. the room i am looking at supposedly opens up this week.

he is very hot and cold and only grants himself to me when he is calmer. yesterday we had consensual sex in the morning and at night, where i clawed up his back and gave him hickies and he gave me some as well. at night we fought yet again and i emailed him afterwards, he will not let me talk without yelling at me. he responded saying he will file a restraining order tomorrow which will give me 24hr to leave.

there is a police report from may claiming i broke a picture frame. i have also been emailing him from the time the eviction was filed. i am also afraid the marks on his back will be used against me, but i cant imagine the court not dealing with something like this regularly and not clocking the love bites and cat scratches on his back as consensual sex. what else could have happened, i was able to get behind him during an altercation and leave clear missionary style marks on his back? that i had enough time to leave distinct hickies on his stomach and neck while in an altercation?

im scared. he had threatened my life previously in march-april, i still came back. he screams at me and has not let go of my neck when i told him to stop during times he invited me upstairs. nothing the court would deem worthy of a trial. i dont need to be told that i dodged a bullet just need to understand how to extend my time here as much as possible to get as many checks under my belt as i can and leave when this room is open.