u/howsinavi

super satisfying texture fr

Accessibility transcript: image of SpongeBob screaming

I hate calling him an FP bc I don’t wanna repeat the toxic cycle with him too BUT HOLY SHIT I FEEL SO MISERABLE WITHOUT HIM

Like nothing even happened! I’m just upset I can’t be with him constantly. idk what my fucking deal is I want to start a fight so bad or something

we’ve went almost a year without a real fight I am tweaking I need him to like kill me or something why is he nice

he has bpd too I wish we would just let each other get fucking crazy

idk this is a silly rant but I think we need to Like Seriously break up bc I keep getting so upset I can’t see him all the time like idk what to even do really

I’ve been playing tuba for almost 9 years now, but I realized I am NOT great despite it being so long. So I’m trying to change that lol

This is Children’s March by Percy Grainger but that 8th rest is tripping me up. When I do it right, I mess up the notes really badly. Like I’m not hitting them right on, it feels like a scoop

pls any advice appreciated 🙏

my bf (also BPD but he manages his symptoms well) loves me very much and is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had

however when he’s not around me I feel like shit like sometimes fr I just wanna be like his purse dog

I still feel secure and I’m not afraid of abandonment

but I do feel embarrassed that he is like oxygen to me and I have to majorly distract myself when he’s not around so I don’t rope myself or something

I wish I was more independent 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

I’ve been playing tuba in marching band for like 8 years now, I’ve only been bulimic for 3 years soooo by that logic my tubamaxxing should outpower the electrolyte imbalances caused by bulimia

I’m in recovery and I barely purge now but IM CONSTANTLY DIZZY soooo im kinda worried about how marching band will go!!! im literally 22 bruh i feel too old for this but it is what is

I miss my ex so so so so so much sometimes he really was a good man. just severely traumatized and he couldn’t handle it. we also both have bpd lolll

I’m in a much better relationship now, like current bf isn’t mean at all and very supportive. He isn’t even someone I would call an FP really like ITS SO HEALTHY

but seeing my scraggly classmate reminded me so much of my ex like we were about to kill each other when I finally had the balls to leave him.

this time next year I will start graduate school and try to get an MA in ethnomusicology or musicology with the long term goal of getting a Ph.D. but yeah I pretty much have an English BA and a music BA under my belt now

but ok I am 22, rn I feel like an angry an confused 12 year old

this past 4.5 years in my undergrad were so traumatizing actually

-my ex boyfriend was super emotionally abusive and unsupportive and I tried to hard to “fix” him but obviously I failed.

- mom had a huge relapse in her drug use, I tried taking her to a homeless shelter and then a mental health crisis center and just retraumatized myself more. when I was a kid watching her actively use I always felt like a failure that I couldn’t help her soooooooo I went through the same shit multiple times when I was 19-20

- my favorite high school music teacher died randomly died in 2023. he was only 31! even after I had graduated high school, he helped me with music stuff in college. when I was a kid being constantly abused by my family, he was the safest adult in my life and inspired me to be better and not just throw in the towel like my family did. because of him, I got serious about tuba and went to school for music

- abusive great uncle died, like him and my great aunt beat the fuck out of me as a child. he was sick with dementia in the last few years of his life, it was nice not to see him suffer anymore but also so many people sweeping his abuse under the rug???? like what the fuck, my whole family praised him for raising me so well but he just gave me a fear of men and yelling

- while my uncle was dying, I got into a situationship with an old music classmate from high school. gonna call him L for the sake of this post. L was a euphonium player I sat next to in elementary, middle and high school band. like we never got close in school but we always clicked so well. We reconnected when I was 20 which turned into repeated love bombing and ghosting. when he finally decided to end things I lost my shit but this was the first time I was able to be intimate with a man without getting scared. We clicked very well but it’s understandable that I was too much for him even though I never directly split on him or anything. but I’m thankful I had that short thing with L, he made me realize I actually do have value and deserve more then my ex bf who was kind of rapey

- I moved out and started renting my own place for my junior year. was not at all prepared for facing the fact I am a danger to myself alone. after throwing away $10k in rent, I found out I could live on campus for free so I just bjt the bullet and did that.

- my university kept sending wellness checks on me because everyone thought I was gonna kms. seeing the police multiple times and being forced into m1 holds for a few hours was rough. it was also humiliating that my roommates and random campus ppl had to witness this. roommates understandably got upset seeing the police so many times

- got into a MUCH better relationship, like it’s been 11 months already. he’s also a music student with bpd, but our symptoms don’t clash. but the first few months were rough mentally bc I was still recovering from that brief situationship and also the abusive relationship of 7 years. like my ex bf was my entire personality from ages 13-20 so getting rid of that and finally leaving him for good was so rough mentally

- i function even worse without the routine of school so when my college went on winter break 2025 and I was ALONE in my apartment, I hit rock bottom. I vomitted all my roommates food and had a suicide attempt. even though I replaced all the food before my roommates returned, this is when the university decided I should not have roommates and live in a single dorm. which it’s fine, I like it but I still feel so socially isolated

DURING ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT HOWEVER

- I made two of the most important relationships of my life, my bf and a mutual friend. I also became more confident socially and the music building at my college started to feel like home

- I made huge improvements academically. Coming into college I couldn’t even read treble clef, now I am a composer with years of music theory understanding. I also added the English major my sophomore year

- being part of my schools brass ensemble actually did help a lot with my confidence. I was the only tuba player, so I had to Not suck and practice started to become therapeutic

- social anxiety kind of doesn’t exist anymore??? it does but I know how to push past it now

- I’ve had my research published and I presented at 2 conferences.

- got accepted into a highly selective program at school that helps underprivileged (poor, first gen, POC like the whole 9 yards, which I am lol) undergraduate students pursue doctoral degrees

but despite all that good, I’m so ashamed I struggled so much. I am trauma porn to people. I’m getting better but I AM SO TIRED OF DEALINGN WITH THIS. I’m so nervous for my last semester, I hope I don’t have another freak out like idk how much I can take.

I’m in CBT, DBT, art therapy, somatic therapy and I’m gonna start EMDR soon but holy fucking shit it’s always too much. I am scared I won’t get through this year but somehow I always make it through

these pictures are only small examples of my fibermaxxing but I feel so stupid this is all I want to eat. the second pic is my fridge, I keep Arizona teas stocked bc my bf loves them but I don’t like them

yesterday I ate 2lbs of carrots and like 6 pears

today I had 3 pears, 3 single servings of skinny pop and a can of carrots and like at least 3 entire celery stalks

I am in so much pain but all I want is vegetables and sometimes fruit

it’s also a sensory thing, I like the crunch

TW full disclosure I kinda talk abt cutting in a positive light here. TO ME, it’s the lesser evil in the ways I harm myself. Im also bulimic, which TO ME is much harder to stop than cutting

like I’m not going super deep, I’m not hitting veins or anything so it IS arguably safe but it does decrease my “”””market value”””” (sometimes I sell pics bc POOR!!!!!) and it’s kind of embarrassing but man it would feel so epic rn

I like the pain, it feels relaxing. I’ve always been a walker and a runner, I love stepmaxxing so walking AS SOON AS I WAKE UP helps me avoid the urges like my legs kinda hurt but its a similar type of relaxing so yea

I like the light

ok this is kind of shit, I haven’t played in 2 weeks and I’ve been HORRIBLY depressed so like I don’t think it’s suitable for r/tuba or other subs I go to a lot

also this should not be played on a sousaphone of all things lmaooo but I need to practice it for my last year of college marching band

Like I am trying so so so hard to heal my mental health, I am seeing 3 therapists and I am about to start EMDR and I’m so nervous for everything that’s gonna come up in life

I forgot to simply just enjoy yknow?? I love all the people here on r/himboposting who are so enthusiastic in everything y’all do. I aspire for that level of self love yknow??

I want to feel at peace and just enjoy life like so many of you himbos and himbo enjoyers do and I feel like it starts at my tuba love fr fr

also pit hair cameo ✌️✌️✌️✌️

It’s been 3 days man already. I think it is time for ip at this point

this meme is me to him btw like he is genuinely my best friend, we get along EXTREMELY well and have great communication

these few days though I’ve been wanting to destroy it all. I tried blocking him on everything (mainly so I don’t do that crazy gf thing where I blow up his phone yadda yadda) but my therapist advised against it so I let him know what’s up

I said I needed space but my issue is I want the opposite of that. I am so miserable UNLESS if he is around. Even though we still haven’t fought after like 8 or 9 months and it it’s a major upgrade from my last relationship (7 years) which was Very abusive and codependent, I feel too reliant on my boyfriend. I don’t exist without him AND I DONT LIKE THAT I JUST WANNA BE MY OWN PERSON FOR ONCE

I CANT fucking stand this anymore. He is so so smart with a bright future in music education, I don’t want him to throw it all away for me. He’s getting better about it now but before I think I would just distract him too much, like he’d neglect stuff he’d need to do just to be with me

And like I don’t need him to constantly be interacting with me, I just like existing around him so much but since I’ve been seeing him less and less, there is so much pent up anger. I feel like I’m being unreasonable though, like he is never mean to me or anything and I feel very secure so why should I want MORE???

this sounds so stupid like I’m freaking out over nothing but I am literally diagnosed with bpd. I don’t want to use my disorder as a crutch and an excuse to ruin things. he also has very borderline traits, it still confuses me how we’re able to have these discussions and not enable each other

I just want a sense of self. Anytime he is gone for awhile, I get very suicidal and I think that is manipulative. I have NEVER split directly on him or even threatened suicide or anythinng, it’s legit healthy except I can’t stand to _not_ be around him

I’m in such intensive therapy rn, my therapists and bf say I need to advocate for myself and let my needs be heard. But I feel like my needs are excessive, I just want to be around him constantly which is weird and creepy

Our friend circle at my uni still won’t stop talking about how I seem much happier that I’m with him that we’re together. They talk about it like he saved me. Which is honestly true, but I feel pathetic for admitting it

I feel so stupid and terrible and just a negative presence compared to my bf. Like he really does deserve better even tho bro kind of kisses the ground I walk on

TDLR; I thibk I am evil therefore I don’t deserve my boyfriend and I want to breakup with him so I can save him from myself. I will always be too much