u/Exciting-Kitchen7643

When my second son was four months old and I was driving home from visiting my Nan, a young boy on a motorbike was weaving around like an idiot on the motorway. He clipped a van and we saw sparks, and his bike flew. I was directly behind and floored my brakes. I thought he was dead and we all were. Somehow all the cars stopped and the boy stood up and walked away. My son was in the back obviously rear facing, didn't cry or anything.

About a month later when we started weaning my son (early under dietician advice) we started to notice that his abdomen was getting really big, and he was much less settled (generally a very easy baby). Over the course of 3 or 4 weeks the abdomen grew and one night he would not stop screaming and it didn't feel right. We took him in and that was the beginning of a 7 month journey. It took doctors across 3 hospitals 3 months to work out what the cause was. There were many many complications.

Due to the stage it happened, (6-13 months of age) and during COVID, and how severe a lot of it was, it massively affected attachment. My son now aged 6 has developmental trauma and very challenging behaviour and a lot of therapeutic input. AMA about any of these topics.

There's a huge drive at the moment to say that everyone is traumatised and there are some books I read that suggest that this has been caused by emotionally immature parents. And I seem to find it quite triggering because it's so vague and I feel like I could put my parents into that box of well-meaning but ill-equipped..and then I'm like i have an ACE score of 6, surely that was active abuse? I mean obviously they were emotionally immature too. But were some of these other parents immature but not actively abusive?

TW: swear words

I'll go first. I have so many. My Dad will deny everything you ever throw at him. Most of the time his brain forces him to forget every single bit of crappy behaviour on his part, because he has to believe himself as flawless. On this occasion, he spent over a year fighting with my aunt (Mum's sister) after my Mum died because she was the only one who wouldn't care for him as a baby like everyone else. She was actually the only person who was bothered about my siblings and I! She met and spoke to him regularly for well over a year but he was an emotional black hole and it was never enough. This culminated in her cutting contact when he rang her drunk, and called her a "fucking cunt". When discussing this with him at a later date, and with him having admitted that he couldn't remember anything about the call on account of the level of inebriation, his words were "I can't have said that. I've thought about it, and it's not possible. Because I say fuck. And I say cunt! But I have NEVER said both in the same sentence".

Like I wore pretty much only blue and green for the first ten years of my life, and my sister pink and red. Is that a twin thing everyone does?

I mean, surely not as I know it's so rare and taught young. But basically, my son is 8, has just started the violin, he's finding it easy and quite good by all accounts. I got to Grade 7 clarinet and his Dad is musical, but we don't play around him. We were driving in the car the other day, listening to classical music he likes, and we got to a part of the piece he liked, and he said "oh this is the D part, I love this!" And today when we played it again and he played a D over the top of it, it was...100% a D. I could never have done that tbh after 10 years playing (albeit a Bb instrument which never helped me!) and he really isn't very practiced at all to sort of memorise it or anything. Totally threw me.

Did anyone else get into adulthood thinking that red and pink didn't suit you, only green and blue...but then realised that if they suited your identical twin you could probably wear them...

When my first was born we had an awful start of reflux and refusing the breast which culminated in him back to birth weight at 10 weeks. I found this very traumatic. Once we started the bottle things perked up for a couple of months until my Mum and Grandad both got diagnosed with cancer and had surgery and treatment and both had died by the time he was 13 months (my Mum not of cancer, of a rare reaction to chemotherapy).

When I fell pregnant with my second I thought that would be my chance to have a nice, normal experience of motherhood. Soak up my baby. Covid hit, obviously, but the first 6 months were nice. Then at six months I took him into hospital with a swollen abdomen and he was in for seven months with what they eventually (after three months) established was a tear in his pancreas. He had a list of severe complications as long as your arm and nearly died many times. We're obviously very grateful he survived! But the long term impact is complex and needs a lot of therapeutic support for all of us but especially him. But yeh....that's it. Those were my infant days with my babies. I genuinely didn't think my second experience could be worse than with my first, but then it happened. And I see other babies at those ages and God knows I'd never wish those experiences on them but I wish I had had anything normal, and I wish my boys had.

I was literally the most compliant kid. If I had challenged more I know I would have been quite badly abused as I was already smacked and emotionally abused and neglected despite the good behaviour. My Mum punished with a triple whammy. Firstline was grab, drag, smack/crack heads with sibling, scream in face. Second was send to room and stone wall for 1-3 days .Third was remove things. So that could be things you like, hobbies etc, or opportunities. I remember sitting there thinking if I ever did something bad I would be chucked out of the house and never let back, I would have no support in my studies and therefore I would never graduate, never earn money, never survive. I was threatened with this, I was made to feel that unless I was perfectly behaved, I would be out on the streets with no future and no ability to survive. And I genuinely could not see beyond that. And the thing about my Mum, is that she never, ever backed down. If she threatened, then that is what she would do. Zero mercy, zero resolution, zero softening, a battle to the death. And every single transgression over the years, she followed through, and that's all we had to go on. I just think it was really f***ed up.

Any advice on scripture for this would be amazing too please. My Mum died 8 years ago with early stage cancer but she was killed by the chemotherapy. My Auntie died 10 years ago aged 50 with cancer unknown primary, and my FIL died a couple of years ago with pancreatic cancer. 5 years ago my baby was in hospital for 7 months with a tear in his pancreas and many complications, nearly died several times and this was something doctors had never seen. I am also a nurse and I see lots of young deaths etc at work, and I now just find myself tormented by worry about cancer with every ache and pain. I worry that I carry so much grief and trauma and stress in my body that I'm sure to get cancer from that. I avoid bloods and scans now because I'm always so scared they'll reveal something.

I will go to lengths to prioritise harmony so I don't want to stand out in how I look or what I say etc. But if I hear that a book or band or fashion or a tv show is popular, I won't read it. I will literally wait years until everyone has finished reading it to check it out so that I'm not just following the crowd. I am a big Dolly Parton fan, have seen her live twice etc. Obviously she's all over the news etc now which I absolutely love. But when documentaries etc come out, I won't want to see them at the same time as everyone else, I will probably wait for the hype to die down and then do it then because I hate the feeling of following. I don't know if this is a 9 trait or a trauma response lol. Can anyone else relate.

I struggle with dissociation reasonably badly, and it seems like structural dissociation as I seem to have a few emotional parts. The one that is running the show doesn't want to be in therapy at all, doesn't trust my therapist (still, after four years). Due to ongoing trauma and a lack of stability I am literally just starting to do inner child work now and it's very hard for me. I have to battle dissociation before and during sessions which I find exhausting. Come away remembering very little of what happened. But it also seems to be very stressful for this part who feels angry that things are being stirred up at all, and felt nauseous during the session yesterday with the gentlest of work. I have a history of nausea and vomiting when emotionally overwhelmed, which hasn't surfaced in the last 15 years as I've learnt how not to feel anything at all 🙄. So, obviously this is tricky on a number of levels. I naturally push through regardless, which hasn't stood me in good stead in life really. But does it sound too soon? Or is this sort of reaction expected and all good if you take it slow? Obviously working with my therapist on this but also interested in others' experiences.

We have just been at Harry Potter Studios (London) and tried the butterbeer. We were too scared to try it on a previous visit because we had read such awful reviews about how disgusting it was. I was pleasantly surprised today when we tried some, and my kids loved it! Just tasted like cream soda with a mild hint of butterscotch 🤷. Surely that's not the flavour so many people hate?

Basically I have been in therapy for four years. And I have had a very traumatic and tumultuous eight years, so mostly that has been dealing with acute situations. I have slightly more space now, for various reasons, although still a very difficult daily life. I also have a lot of childhood trauma from parents with personality disorders, which make it very difficult to process any of the recent trauma and grief I have experienced because I basically dissociate and feel numb most of the time. We have started doing inner child work recently and it's started getting me closer to feeling and that feels really scary for me. I also experience a lot of really painful somatic pain particularly in relationship with my Dad. In my session yesterday all of that just came to a head and I felt really blocked. I actually came away thinking, do I need to change modality? Is anything changing here? But I just really felt something shifting and by the time I got home I had a strong urge to talk to my inner child and I did work out a lot of the reasons for not feeling and I did manage to cry and I still feel the weight of that emotion now. Which is huge for me. The impetus seemed to be "really, are you going to drop this therapist you really trust, just as you start to make progress, when actually you have never once *tried* to feel". And I realised for the first time that that is true. I talk about the blockage, I talk about how hard my life is, how I can't feel, with this sort of finality and pride. But I never actually sit down and go there, I would do anything to avoid it. I think she knows I run and detach from people, and assume I'm too much for them when I feel scared. But I want to share this but feel guilty for sharing that part.

I'm 5ft 1 and a UK size 8-10 pre-babies. And not much bigger now. I had vaginal deliveries with both my babies, 2nd degree tears with both, and no forceps needed. The deliveries were actually the easiest part for me. The first labour definitely got closer to a CSection than the second, and I ended up having an epidural but still somehow managed a good delivery. Anyway, first baby was 12 days late and weighed 8lb4 which is fair, second baby was 5 days early and weighed 8lb15. I just don't really know why! Second baby had low PappA so I was on aspirin most of the pregnancy. Can that lead to macrosomia? I know for some it's not enormous, but proportionately they were huge for me. Would be nervous to have another bigger one!

Especially about type 9 please! Sorry for so many posts right now, it's just annoying me that I can't get this. I was definitely leaning towards 9 (probably w1) and then listened to a podcast that totally threw me off as it was so generic. It was basically saying 9s don't have a rich imaginative life, 9s do their best not to experience difficult/traumatic situations as what they are, and basically bury their reactions and pretend everything is great and it'll work out fine. I found this really irritating to listen to. As someone with ptsd from a lot of grief and trauma, I do definitely try to ignore and bury it. I have lost a lot, and for example I actively resist sentimentality, when I used to embrace it. I have many painful emotions I have been trying to ignore for many years which have unfortunately started manifesting as somatic pain. But I certainly don't pretend it's all sunshine and roses. If anything it's made me kind of bitter and negative in the end (tbf it's all been very prolonged and extreme). But I don't feel like I relate to types 3 or 6 at all. I really have felt like I was a 9. So yeh I guess I'd just like to listen to something slightly less cookie cutter!

I'm just learning how this all works. I find it very easy for my boundaries to be blurred. They almost always blur and I get sucked into what other people want or need. My husband has amazing boundaries and I find it easier to navigate life with him, and over time and with therapy I have become more assertive and I nod along less. I will sometimes diplomatically put my point across now. I have my own mind with regards to core values, and actually this has always been the case. I won't be swayed on my moral compass etc, whether that's in relation to my own actions or being asked my opinion on others. I can be quite direct on that front. But this confuses me as it seems like 9s can be conflict avoidant to the extent they'll just agree to things that they feel uncomfortable with to keep the peace? I like harmony, I kind of need harmony and inclusion, but I would these days rather resolve an argument diplomatically than sit there upset about it. Also, although it is said that 9s fear abandonment, and I certainly do, I will always withdraw and dissociate, and internalise under stress. I will feel that others don"t care about me for any number of reasons, and I'll withdraw like "don't need them, I'm fine on my own". I have to push myself to connect, in times of stress. Does this all sound like 9w1?

I'm just learning how this all works. I find it very easy for my boundaries to be blurred. They almost always blur and I get sucked into what other people want or need. My husband has amazing boundaries and I find it easier to navigate life with him, and over time and with therapy I have become more assertive and I nod along less. I will sometimes diplomatically put my point across now. I have my own mind with regards to core values and won't be swayed on my moral compass etc, whether that's in relation to my own actions or being asked my opinion on others. I can be quite direct on that front. But this confuses me as it seems like 9s can be conflict avoidant to the extent they'll just agree to things that they feel uncomfortable with to keep the peace? I like harmony, I kind of need harmony and inclusion, but I would these days rather resolve an argument diplomatically than sit there upset about it. Also, although it is said that 9s fear abandonment, and I certainly do, I will always withdraw and dissociate under stress. I will feel that others don"t care about me for any number of reasons, and I'll withdraw like "don't need them, I'm fine on my own". I have to push myself to connect, in times of stress. Does this all sound like 9w1?

Ok here goes!

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.

I'm 40 this weekend! And female. I'm married with two kids and I'm a nurse.

• Is there a medical diagnosis that may impact your mental stability somehow?

In a sense, yes. I have undiagnosed but probable CPTSD. This is from having two parents with BPD, and then in the last 10 years a hell of a lot of grief and trauma. It's left me with various triggers, panic attacks, health anxiety and significant somatic pain.

• Describe your upbringing. Did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? How did you respond to it?

Both my parents had very traumatic childhoods, they had personality disorders, and they had a lot of rows. My Dad drank too much, and the house was very cold and critical and there was a lot of cruelty and very little kindness. I responded to this by being as much of a people pleaser as I could, and dissociated. Into teen years I developed insomnia, OCD and a lot of anxiety. I was brought up Catholic, and everyone else seemed to just be going for duty but I absolutely loved church, from a young age. For the beauty, tf spiritual safety and the peace. It brought me sooo much peace going there..

• What do you do as a job or as a career (if you have one)? Do you like it? Why or why not?

I'm a nurse, it's my second career (surveyor before). I was quite successful academically, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do. My parents didn't want me to be a nurse, here in the UK it's not brilliantly paid and not particularly well thought of. I have always loved it. I was quite ambitious to start with and started making progress but life circumstances have really bombed my career. Most of the stuff I have gone through has involved close loved ones in rare health situations including many deaths or near deaths. I have had to leave various positions due to ptsd. Having said that, I still like my job and feel it's a vocation.

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

Lol, I have a child with attachment and developmental trauma so I very rarely get a second to myself. I would say right now I'd find it so refreshing! Maybe when I was younger I would have felt stressed because a lot of my anxiety came out when I was alone.

• What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?

I was always good at sports as a kid, not so much as an adult. I think because the trauma has affected energy levels etc. I'm not the most active now, but I like walking, singing, sewing, cinema.

• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

I am curious. I like reading about psychology, religion and spirituality mainly. At my peak shen I had time my favourites were Jung and Kierkegaard. I would say fairly abstract but I do need some substance to get my teeth into. I also like hearing about different places and cultures.

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

No no no big no. Ha. I have always managed to avoid this. There have been times when I have been told that people like me, that people trust me, that I would be good at leadership. I don't like public speaking, I feel like others are better at it than me. I am not a sheep either, though. I don't like just following other people unless I consider them a good leader. I don't like following rules that don't make sense or are there for no reason, either.

• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?

I'm fairly coordinated. I can catch well , I have good concept of where my limbs are in sport, I was good at martial arts etc. But I can also be clumsy.

• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particular artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

Not really. I think because it represents freedom and expression and I would consider myself very inhibited. I would like to appreciate it more!

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

I don't dwell on the past in terma of things I have done. I very rarely sit there thinking about regrets etc. I would rather shut down and not think about things that have happened. I am very good at dissociating and feeling nothing about things. Unfortunately due to the level of trauma (my Mum and FIL and 2 grandparents dying, my baby son being in hospital 7 months) and the fact I have tried to just ignore it, it comes out ither ways in my body. Present is ok but I am not very present lol. Future I spend a lot of time worrying about!!!

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

I have a tough life tbh as I have two very high energy kids, one severely traumatised with challenging behaviour and I have zero help. So I am generally not in a position to help others and if I am asked I get very stressed and feel bad saying no. If it was just me, and I had no reason to say no, I would probably say yes because it was expected I guess? If it was something I didn't want to do for someone I didn't like, I would be doing it so I didn't come across as rude, I think,.amd to avoid conflict. If it was something I thought I could help with, for someone I liked, I'd say yes because I loved them and enjoyed helping them.

• Do you need logical consistency in your life?

Yes and I get it from my type 5 husband!

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

At work, it's important. At home, when I start a job I like to finish..i think that's because my parents always berated laziness..

• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

I would say sometimes I steer conversation. Like, ask questions I know the answer to for the safety of that. I don't think I usually control people.

• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

I learn very by rote, just keep reading and listening until it goes in. I did better in school than university as I didn't like independent study as much, or anonymity, and certsinly not hige classes. I also think there was a level of free thinking that was difficult for me, again due to quite rigid and inhibited thinking but I put that down to my childhood and being used to being told what to do. I still did well but I found it a lot harder. I was good at English, humanities, music. I was pretty good at most subjects but definitely found maths and science harder even if the attainment was good.

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

I would say the latter. I find strategizing very boring!

• What are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?

All the recent trauma has changed alllll my plans. I want us to be happy, healthy, regulated. I want to heal my mind and my body, and I want the same for my family. I want to connect with God, with church, with loved ones. I have sort of isolated myself in trauma. I want to move back towards people and experiences that make me happy.

• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

I have a big fear of being forgotten, or being the least important. Yet I don't like being the centre of attention, or conflict.

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

I would say I am chronically dissociated. Often mildly, sometimes moderately. At times even severely. It's something that takes a lot for me to come down from. I can't ever remember not being like this.

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

I mull things over for a long time, and ask for a lit of opinions. But once I've made the decision it's fixed and I know.

• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

A very very very long time. It is extremely difficult for me to feel, I have gone through really awful things and never cried. Most of the time I feel very little.

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

Yes occasionally. Usually I will put my point across though, but diplomatically so they don't feel judged.

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why?

I don't break rules very often, but I do find rules that seem silly, or set by people I don't respect, frustrating.

I would say I'm quite chameleon-like, for survival, and also it's hard to even determine what my main motivations are. I have tested 4w5 multiple times, and someone I know who has done the course typed me as a 4. I have others assume I am a 2 because I'm a nurse. I think my motivations lean more 4 but I'm certainly no artist or creative!! I just don't really think I present that way to others. Like I look quite ordinary and go to effort to blend in and not be conspicuous. But one of my biggest fears is being forgotten or unimportant, this keeps coming up for me. I also hate following trends and fashions, doing what others are doing. I like to self select obscure authors, obscure music that others my age wouldn't be interested in. I view my personal and spiritual journeys as really individualistic, I take them really seriously and constantly weigh up my truth within them. And as I was sort of trapped and frozen within my childhood I dreamt of a future me that would be truly authentic and free.