u/Individual-Business9

This is a common myth and the reason I can tell that this is a myth is because I've lived on the other side of this dynamic.

My husband is so busy earning bread (genuinely) he doesn't get much time for islamic studies, while I spend most of my time studying islam. So I am his primary teacher.

I have a habit of quoting the Qur'an, or the sunnah or scholars, every time I speak. So when we are in a heated conversation and I am angry, I basically use every islamic evidence I can to get my point across even if I'm wrong.

In the moment of heat, I did not realise my mistake, just today I was upset about something, and I said “When men become men, then women will become women; the defect (fault) is not on the woman.”

— \[From his Sharh al-Adab al-Mufrad, lesson 16\].

My husband often tells me I use islam as a weapon against him. Sometimes he snaps just as the women we commonly hear about snap.

But never in my life have I ever thought to use islam to benefit myself, in the moment of anger shaytan overpowers us and we become like this. I believe the same goes for the men who get accused of this, shaytan overpowers them in the moment of anger, they don't truly want to use islam as a weapon against their wife.

At the end of the day everyone should seek islamic knowledge, and know their rights, I believe the fault isn't on anyone, rather everyone should have knowledge of islam so as to not fall into such situations.

This is a common myth and the reason I can tell that this is a myth is because I've lived on the other side of this dynamic.

My husband is so busy earning bread (genuinely) he doesn't get much time for islamic studies, while I spend most of my time studying islam. So I am his primary teacher.

I have a habit of quoting the Qur'an, or the sunnah or scholars, every time I speak. So when we are in a heated conversation and I am angry, I basically use every islamic evidence I can to get my point across even if I'm wrong.

In the moment of heat, I did not realise my mistake, just today I was upset about something, and I said “When men become men, then women will become women; the defect (fault) is not on the woman.”

— [From his Sharh al-Adab al-Mufrad, lesson 16].

My husband often tells me I use islam as a weapon against him. Sometimes he snaps just as the women we commonly hear about snap.

But never in my life have I ever thought to use islam to benefit myself, in the moment of anger shaytan overpowers us and we become like this. I believe the same goes for the men who get accused of this, shaytan overpowers them in the moment of anger, they don't truly want to use islam as a weapon against their wife.

At the end of the day everyone should seek islamic knowledge, and know their rights, I believe the fault isn't on anyone, rather everyone should have knowledge of islam so as to not fall into such situations.

No one talks about how hard it is being that adult, who grew up around dysfunctional adults. You basically don’t know what a healthy relationship is, what boundaries are and how to properly communicate.

The worst part being having a constant translator on your tongue because you're in survival mode.

“Please don’t leave” — “ Go away ”

“Don’t talk to me” — “ I just want a hug ”

“Never talk to me again” — “ Please just hear me out”.

You're not allowed to be vulnerable, because it can be used against you later. This is basically teenager behaviour. Most teenagers spend their teenage years processing these emotions so that they can become healthy functional adults, that is if you have healthy functional parents.

For those of us who grew up with parents who never matured themselves, showing vulnerability earns you humiliation.

Then, you fall in love with a person with the exact same dynamic, you’d be hoping “God finally someone who understands me” nuh uh, it gets worse, because now you have two people who are constantly in survival mode, two people who were taught vulnerability means humiliation, the tongue translator is on both sides, and neither can translate it even though they know.

Assuming something good in a heated situation is even riskier, it’s part of being vulnerable that we weren’t allowed to be, so we still take the other person's words at face value.

Then comes showing the raw emotions, we will avoid it till death. Two people who are constantly protecting themselves from something that doesn’t need protection from.

The biggest achievement of people raised by dysfunctional parents is setting healthy boundaries and actually meaning what they say.

We often weaponize our needs, which is also a survival mechanism, so that it turns into a punishment for other people, rather than a healthy boundary that I’m trying to set.

And the saddest part? Neither of you is the villain. You're both just still that kid in the room, waiting for things to calm down, bracing for impact that never stopped coming. Unlearning that is the hardest thing a person can do. Especially when you're trying to do it in real time, in front of someone you love, while everything in you is still screaming to protect yourself first.

No one talks about how hard it is being that adult, who grew up around dysfunctional adults. You basically don’t know what a healthy relationship is, what boundaries are and how to properly communicate.

The worst part being having a constant translator on your tongue because you're in survival mode.

“Please don’t leave” — “ Go away ”

“Don’t talk to me” — “ I just want a hug ”

“Never talk to me again” — “ Please just hear me out”.

You're not allowed to be vulnerable, because it can be used against you later. This is basically teenager behaviour. Most teenagers spend their teenage years processing these emotions so that they can become healthy functional adults, that is if you have healthy functional parents.

For those of us who grew up with parents who never matured themselves, showing vulnerability earns you humiliation.

Then, you fall in love with a person with the exact same dynamic, you’d be hoping “God finally someone who understands me” nuh uh, it gets worse, because now you have two people who are constantly in survival mode, two people who were taught vulnerability means humiliation, the tongue translator is on both sides, and neither can translate it even though they know.

Assuming something good in a heated situation is even riskier, it’s part of being vulnerable that we weren’t allowed to be, so we still take the other person's words at face value.

Then comes showing the raw emotions, we will avoid it till death. Two people who are constantly protecting themselves from something that doesn’t need protection from.

The biggest achievement of people raised by dysfunctional parents is setting healthy boundaries and actually meaning what they say.

We often weaponize our needs, which is also a survival mechanism, so that it turns into a punishment for other people, rather than a healthy boundary that I’m trying to set.

And the saddest part? Neither of you is the villain. You're both just still that kid in the room, waiting for things to calm down, bracing for impact that never stopped coming. Unlearning that is the hardest thing a person can do. Especially when you're trying to do it in real time, in front of someone you love, while everything in you is still screaming to protect yourself first.

Lately I've been pretty down and my imaan has been low, because as a revert I genuinely do not have muslim friends to sit and have discussions with.

Internet friends are fine but I'm looking irl, if you live in North BLR, India, or know someone who does please send me a DM thanks.

I would like to meet and hangout, go to masjids together, dars, bookstores and other islamic occasions.

No one talks about how hard it is being that adult, who grew up around dysfunctional adults. You basically don’t know what a healthy relationship is, what boundaries are and how to properly communicate.

The worst part being having a constant translator on your tongue because you're in survival mode.

“Please don’t leave” — “ Go away ”

“Don’t talk to me” — “ I just want a hug ”

“Never talk to me again” — “ Please just hear me out”.

You're not allowed to be vulnerable, because it can be used against you later. This is basically teenager behaviour. Most teenagers spend their teenage years processing these emotions so that they can become healthy functional adults, that is if you have healthy functional parents.

For those of us who grew up with parents who never matured themselves, showing vulnerability earns you humiliation.

Then, you fall in love with a person with the exact same dynamic, you’d be hoping “God finally someone who understands me” nuh uh, it gets worse, because now you have two people who are constantly in survival mode, two people who were taught vulnerability means humiliation, the tongue translator is on both sides, and neither can translate it even though they know.

Assuming something good in a heated situation is even riskier, it’s part of being vulnerable that we weren’t allowed to be, so we still take the other person's words at face value.

Then comes showing the raw emotions, we will avoid it till death. Two people who are constantly protecting themselves from something that doesn’t need protection from.

The biggest achievement of people raised by dysfunctional parents is setting healthy boundaries and actually meaning what they say.

We often weaponize our needs, which is also a survival mechanism, so that it turns into a punishment for other people, rather than a healthy boundary that I’m trying to set.

And the saddest part? Neither of you is the villain. You're both just still that kid in the room, waiting for things to calm down, bracing for impact that never stopped coming. Unlearning that is the hardest thing a person can do. Especially when you're trying to do it in real time, in front of someone you love, while everything in you is still screaming to protect yourself first.

For years I was anorexic and had severe ED, and was pretty skinny, I was terrified of gaining weight, until I met someone who changed my life, loved me for who I was, made me realise my worth and so and so forth, fast forward I've gained a lot of weight and recently my insecurities are creeping back in, I feel like I'm at the edge of my BMI, and might jump into an unhealthy weight anytime.

I'm 20 year old female, 5'2ft, 68kgs. This time I don't wanna let ED take over me, and I wanna work around my insecurities in a healthy way, by working out and toning my body instead of starving myself.

But I've genuinely never actually worked out ever in my life, I need a head start and some help, please don't push too much on YouTube videos because like I said I need a head start, I have no idea about what kind of workout I need.

I want to lose fat mainly but stay curvy and big chested, and I'm not sure what kind of workout or diet fits me. I can't go to the gym because I don't work yet and my parents believe women shouldn't go to gyms, so I'm kinda stuck, no one really motivates me to lose weight in a healthy way.

My mother just shames me, and my fiance just keeps saying that I look amazing as is it, either of those don't work.

If I don't channel these thoughts into a healthy direction I will likely develop an ED again.

Please help me out.

When I was 14, I had a crush on an 18-year-old guy at school. I grew up in a really strict and conservative household, so I was pretty sheltered and naive compared to most kids my age. He would often suggest I invite him over or visit his "room where the cool people hang out." I genuinely thought he just wanted to hang out as friends. Sex never once crossed my mind.

One day my parents had me home studying, and I was alone for a few hours. I texted him on Instagram and invited him over, thinking it would be fun and make me seem cool. He arrived within 15 minutes.

At first things seemed normal — we talked, played with my cat. Then he started moving closer, kissed me without warning, and everything escalated very fast from there. He was aggressive and physically hurting me the entire time. I was whimpering, frozen, completely overwhelmed. My chest was burning, my heart was racing, and I was so distressed I dissociated through most of it. The only thing I managed to say was asking if he had a condom. He said he didn't need one.

Afterwards he blocked me everywhere. When he resurfaced years later through a mutual friend, his messages were possessive and predatory — confirming he knew exactly what he was doing all along.

As far as I can remember my mother has severely abused me physically and psychologically, since the age 8-9 from what I can remember. I'm 21 now, and she stopped hitting me last year after I ran away once, but the psychological abuse has been off the roof since.

Since the last few weeks, she's been trying to do some mother daughter bonding, and it's making me extremely uncomfortable.

When she would call me sweetly as opposed to calling me like a hebrew slave from the time of pharaoh with insults, it would piss me off, her voice sounds so fake it actually makes me cranky, like I wanna rip my hair out.

She would be humming and singing songs while cooking like some "loving-mother" that's what drives me to the edge, I hate it so much, idk why.

Am I overreacting?

Women don't have any moral obligation to support other women just because they're women, and if they support a man who's right, they don't become a "pick me". Women are not Ms, Right. Men and women both can make mistakes and can be extremely good sometimes, so taking the side of a good man over a bad woman isn't a pick me behaviour.

Saying this as a married woman, the amount of times single women have tried to fill my ears and make me paranoid of my husband is actually crazy, regardless of my husband being the perfect man any woman could ever find.

And I feel like that's the problem, he's actually a good, loving and caring husband, yet most single women would pick on little issues and make a big deal about it, making me slowly ungrateful.

I hate the "as he should" culture, no one in this world is obligated to fulfill all your whims and desires beyond the bare minimum, be it a man or a woman, if they're going out of their way (which my husband is) you should be grateful.

The sheer amount of times I've seen a married woman destroy her marriage because of what her single friends said, and lost a 10/10 man is actually crazy.

Sometimes these women are doing it unknowingly, sometimes they're just jealous, but overall, a person who has never tasted the sweetness of marriage will always see small issues like it's the end of the world.

Maritial* woman* my bad gngy stop trolling me in the comments 🥀

Why can't there be 2 necessary beings for example?

Or why can't the necessary being enter the creation?

I know we all have been ingrained with this thought that family approval means everything, to a point most of us lost our self esteem to ungrateful families. The truth is, if your family is ungrateful over one thing, they will always be ungrateful over everything.

Especially when it comes to choosing spouses, please choose who you love or are comfortable with. Don't choose your spouse to please your family. Your family won't be there after a while, it will be you, your spouse and kids.

If you stay in a dysfunctional marriage just to please your parents you will end up psychologically ruining yourself completely, sometimes to an extreme point after which you might start abusing your children mentally if not physically.

This is the reality of multiple mothers who stayed in dysfunctional marriages, eventually they started taking it out on their kids.

Most importantly, you wouldn't be able to tolerate it if your husband put his family's whims and desires over everything either, so you shouldn't do it too!!

Wake up ladies!!! Take your autonomy back!! Choosing your partner is a freedom that no one should be able to take away not even your family!!

Ps: There is nothing wrong with consulting your parents or taking their advice, however don't get forced into marriages just to please them 🫶🏼

Guys I also wanted to add that, no human is perfect and no decision is perfect, you could make an extremely calculative decision and it might not still work, so if the marriage you chose didn't work, it's not a failure, so don't beat yourself to it, and don't let people say "told you so". That's just life, you can never predict the future, but you can do your best to have a good present and potential future.

Especially on birthdays, now I'm getting accused of being distant and nonchalant 🥲🥀

Edit: guys I don't wish because it's haram, everything except eid is haram.

I remember my mum telling me that her friend would be treated like a slave maid by her mother, not given proper food to eat or place to sleep, but her brothers got everything, at the same time, she would use that as an excuse to abuse me "my friend went through this I've given you good food and a bed" after doing the most misogynistic thing known to mankind. This thing is pretty common among the girls I know, with their mothers.