u/sparkleappletart

staying busy and getting out of the house helps me clear my mind and feel myself.

I’m experimenting with stuff and I think I only find women attractive when it comes to romance and intimacy. When it comes to thinking about dating someone I feel myself being with a woman and having a girlfriend and having a boyfriend feels a bit not comfy to me as I don’t think I want to spend the rest of my life with a man or as a man. I suppressed my attraction to women for so many years as I felt uncomfortable liking them in the male body and role and being a father; those things just don’t feel “me” and frankly never did. Id like being a parent figure but not a dad.

At the same time Ive been researching some feminine names. I looked through all the femme and unisex names that start with T and some that start with other letters like Heather but none of them feel comfy to me and fit like a slipper. At the same time I don’t feel comfortable being in a male body or male gender role but I don’t have any problems with my name Thomas aside from it being a “male” name. Since gender is a construct and what you make of it I’ve been open minded and considered the possibility that I may be a lesbian that has a male name. Since cis lesbian women can have a male name and be seen as valid why not me? I remember in the past enjoying Pokémon games as Thomas the girl but felt shame as it wasn’t “normal” to enjoy things that way.

I feel most of my discomfort is my body and the parts and testosterone that it had including some social stuff like being called a man or a boy regardless of presentation. Frankly unless I get the surgery and have my own breasts I don’t want any intimacy with others at all and I don’t feel I’m really living life to the fullest and being true to myself. Ever since I was younger I would imagine my parts not being down there and didn’t know why but things are more clear now.

Particularly compared to things now or a couple of decades ago, and how dire the situation would be depending on different levels of warming.

My mom points out that my feelings on my identity are wishy washy and I go back and forth on different identities and when I’m a woman I don’t seem happy or fit in with queer spaces in real life. I have come out in the past as a woman a couple of times and it never really turned out well as people were hesitant to acknowledge me and thought I was just confused, plus I had untreated ocd without meds back then so that contributed to it too.

The thing is I feel not myself as a man, which is why I started questioning and being a feminine man doesn’t make me feel any better about being Thomas, same with nonbinary gender. Unfortunately there’s no good femme equivalent name to Thomas so it’s hard to find a good replacement (Tiffany is pretty much the only suitable one, plus Heather and Madeline for names that don’t end in T). Then again im not able to safely present femme in real life and i dont like to be seen as a femboy. Even bringing gender stuff up makes my mom and sister a bit awkward and uncomfortable and therapy isn’t an option for both when it comes to understanding it (they are Catholic conservatives and are ok with trump and jk Rowling and all that, I tell them about my discomfort with the latter and they think I’m overreacting or hyperfixated on gender because of it.

I know I don’t want to grow old as Thomas and have that name and “son” and “brother” on my gravestone but at the same time I feel like I’m rejecting my childhood and parents by changing my name as my parents put a lot of thought into my name and worked hard to give me a good childhood.

My mom points out that my feelings on my identity are wishy washy and I go back and forth on different identities and when I’m a woman I don’t seem happy or fit in with queer spaces in real life. I have come out in the past as a woman a couple of times and it never really turned out well as people were hesitant to acknowledge me and thought I was just confused, plus I had untreated ocd without meds back then so that contributed to it too.

The thing is I feel not myself as a man, which is why I started questioning and being a feminine man doesn’t make me feel any better about being Thomas, same with nonbinary gender. Unfortunately there’s no good femme equivalent name to Thomas so it’s hard to find a good replacement (Tiffany is pretty much the only suitable one, plus Heather and Madeline for names that don’t end in T). Then again im not able to safely present femme in real life and i dont like to be seen as a femboy. Even bringing gender stuff up makes my mom and sister a bit awkward and uncomfortable and therapy isn’t an option for both when it comes to understanding it (they are Catholic conservatives and are ok with trump and jk Rowling and all that, I tell them about my discomfort with the latter and they think I’m overreacting or hyperfixated on gender because of it.

I know I don’t want to grow old as Thomas and have that name and “son” and “brother” on my gravestone but at the same time I feel like I’m rejecting my childhood and parents by changing my name as my parents put a lot of thought into my name and worked hard to give me a good childhood.

I was drying myself from a shower and I wore my towel like a dress covering up my breasts and it felt so carefree and myself and calm. For once I didn’t see a man looking back at me in the mirror. I feel whatever gender and pronoun and name I ultimately wind up with id feel more myself in a female body. I would be very unhappy if I was on my death bed in the male body I am in now typing this message with and feel a lot of regret. I don’t want to be remembered as a man in memory after I die and I don’t want Thomas written on my gravestone once my time comes. I’d rather be buried at sea than to suffer a fate like that. This is why I came out to my parents so impulsively three years ago and why I persevere even in all this mental turmoil. I’d rather fight and live as a woman than perish as a man.

Truth is I am wishy washy about my gender identity as I love my parents and cannot afford to live without them. They spoiled me materially and gave me a lot growing up so I cannot disrespect them by putting estrogen in my body and changing my name. Without my family I have no reason to keep on living as Thomas and I wish I was just born a girl and live a normal life. I put so much stock and money on my parents feelings and my sister and my physical safety outside my room that I don’t know who I am deep inside. This was like when I was younger when I submerged my desire to like girly things and have a girlhood liking my little pony and shojo anime but I felt like I had to like boy things due to the parts I was born with. At the same time I HATE being seen as a feminine man and do not feel happy being a man with another man or a woman. I am also afraid of angering my parents and jeopardizing my living space by being myself and feeling their wrath like the time I wore a skirt outside two and a half years ago.

I read the ranges of my results and two of them start at 1%: North Africa and central Scotland/Northern Ireland. Why would some regions start at 1% but others start at 0%?

Want to make sure considering how expensive it is and the data breach that happened a couple of years ago.

Breaking out of black and white thinking and trying out different things to see what works

Some potential choices: (all gender possibilities are pansexual)

Madeline she/they the nonbinary transfemme person

Madeline she/her the trans woman

Thomas they/them the genderfluid person

Thomas he/him the cisgender man

Thomas e/em the genderqueer person (pronouns are Spivak)

I found a sign that had that sentence at a food court at American Dream in New Jersey and I have no clue what it means

most of my ocd is under control with my fluvoxamine but the one stubborn theme i’m dealing with is gender identity stuff. i have been doing a good job accepting the fact that i am pansexual and also giving my autism some attention when it comes to accepting my disability but i struggle with my gender identity. specifically the compulsion is trying on a new name/pronouns/label and even fursona to “find myself” and feel at home in my body but NOTHING feels right to me, not even my “birth assigned” identity as Thomas the cisgender man. I often use the furry fandom as a way to escape my identity crisis and use a fursona as a way to mentally escape my body but that only goes so far. Part of the issue is that my family and coworkers and close friends only see me as Thomas the cisgender man and that is distressing to me as I don’t feel I am a man deep inside; i started questioning my identity as I realized that I could identify as something other than a man and didn’t have to put up the facade of manhood and masculinity all these years. Thing is a trans woman identity doesn’t feel authentic to me either as I never had the childhood of wanting to be a girl and liking girly things and as an adult I feel like I do not relate to the transfem experience. Oddly enough I feel I would be more comfortable in a female body over a male body and I dislike the facial and chest and body hair that my body has plus the libido. On top of this I was born with a male name that does not translate into a female name easily and it’s distressing trying to find a female name that could transition well. I tried transitioning in public socially a couple years ago and it did NOT go well, and my parents and most people just thought i was looking for community through trans stuff and that i was confused.

Therapy has not helped after the past couple of years and I am in the process of finding another therapist to get another perspective on my issues. Over the past couple of years OCD meds have helped with most of my issues but the trans stuff is the stubborn holdout. I have been told that I may be genderfluid but I do not find any affirmation in my gender as fluid and it causes distress over affirmation as I do not want to be stuck as a man for the rest of my life. This is on top of a lack of any queer community in my area that is friendly, and my parents wanting me to be Thomas and not exposed to trans stuff (my dad wanted me to watch ted the tv show over a video of a trans woman speaking as part of a presentation which was one of his students). I’m stuck in a rut and need help getting out of it.