u/sparkleappletart

I feel more connected to smaller groups that have a niche interest over huge 50,000 member discord servers and huge meets/conventions. What places come to mind for you?

I feel emotionally exhausted and ready for a new beginning. Lately I’ve been feeling a sense of accepting uncertainty of not 100% knowing my gender identity and realizing that while I don’t really feel I am a guy, I don’t think gender transition is the right thing for me at this moment in my life. I don’t feel I am really a girl either and femininity in general is just something I like because I associate it with nurturing figures like my mom. At the same time I don’t feel masculine or embody any sense of manhood and even being a femboy feels off to me. Growing up I was in my own world and just lived life instead of having an obsession with gender like society does. I just lived as Thomas due to the parts I was born with and growing up that was fine, though I do recall being envious of other girls and associated with them more than the boys. I have autism so I feel it’s a big part of why I feel the way I feel.

While I do feel awkward in my body and prefer to have a female meatsuit for lack of a better terms, I don’t care about being “womanly” in the sense of wearing a bikini and looking good for men or vague feminine beauty standards. At the same time I don’t care for a male physique and pretty much feel a lack of congruence with male body standards too to the point where I don’t do sports or go to the gym as I just feel not comfy with being associated with men. It’s just that any attempt at a binary MtF transition feels a bit wonky to me and emotionally exhausting while not doing anything at all and “being” a man feels emotionally detached also. Stereotypical nonbinary stuff like they/them pronouns and hair dye feel off to me too.

I feel intimately and romantically attracted to cis men though I do connect to trans men on the topic of feeling a lack of congruence in their body though I don’t want to be intimate with them though. I feel a similar connection with cis and trans women in the sense that I connect to their feelings and some interests though I ultimately don’t want any intimacy or anything serious. I’m glad I was not in any serious relationship when I was younger and I now understand why I just couldn’t stick to having a waifu or celebrity crush. The in person crushes I did have were more of an aesthetic and emotional connection and wanting to be like them, instead of any intimate desire towards them and I liked the romance as a teen because it meant I had value as a person and I wasn’t lonely. Now that I’m 26 I don’t crave any romance with a woman.

In queer media I don’t relate to any of the binary trans women that knew from early childhood or puberty, or the stereotype of the flamboyant cis gay men or bisexual people in general; though I also don’t relate to cis het stories and romance either. Pretty much the only queer story that hit very close to home was the book gender queer by Maia kobabe. I also related to Sean the gay cis male in the book out of the blue by Jason June. But then again those were the two I related to in vibes and have yet to find a full exact photo copy of my experience.

Long story short I was lurking in furry spaces over the past decade since I was in high school as I liked the concept of anthro animals plus it gave me an opportunity to get out of my human male form which I feel off in. I also have a passion for drawing and transformation stuff and biology. Thing is I have a perfectionism mindset that I needed to have the “perfect” fursona or else it wasn’t valid due to my ocd. I tried making some trans fursonas but they didn’t exactly click either. Alongside not meshing with the furry spaces I participated in plus wanting to get along with family I retreated a little.

This time around I’d like to make a fursona that helps me be more comfortable in my own skin and feel better about myself. I also want to be more mindful in creating and consuming content too; I want to carve a niche in a specific thing and get good at it and find community. I want to chase happiness not perfection. And also I want to accept my autism and my attraction to guys which is just a part of me.

I’ve been feeling some feelings and I feel this rumination on my gender identity over the past three years has been ruining my life. Pretty much any attempt to transition like coming out at work or online or starting HRT last year has lead to heartbreak and emotional exhaustion and distress and I just cannot take it anymore. Whenever I entertain the idea of myself as a woman it feels like my life is falling apart and I have no control of my own body and I become very self destructive (throwing out things like my little pony stuff, compulsively deleting and remaking social media accounts, etc). I know that my family will NEVER accept me as a woman or nonbinary or whatever and will just see me as their son and I don’t want to break ties with them as I love them and they love me. I cannot afford to lose my family forever for a gender transition that may or may not work out, and also jeopardize my career and hopes at finding success in life; let alone the medical complications of transition like blood clots.

In the end I just want to be comfortable in my own skin, have a sense of self that gives me confidence and have a sense of community and belonging. Some things I feel aren’t a good fit, like processing the Catholic faith, coin collecting, historical reenactment, sports and license plates feel uncomfortable as it’s mostly a straight cis male community that I feel alienated in and pressured to be someone I’m not. At the same time certain things like makeup and dresses makes me feel uncomfortable as I’m not a femboy or a crossdresser and those identities don’t feel authentic to me either. I want to be a part of something where I can be myself: an autistic person who is attracted to guys and likes cute things and is a bit creative and analytical.

A part of me wants to start from scratch and rejoin the furry and/or brony community and get involved in the creative aspect of it, like having a fursona that isn’t attached to my human male self and finding people that are like minded to me. In fact there’s a brony con coming up a couple hours away in a couple of weeks and pondering about going now that some job opportunities are coming up for me. I also meditated on being more involved in gardening and starting a mini vegetable farm or whatnot; I volunteer at a not for profit farm and it’s very meaningful. I also love going on mini road trips and hanging out at the library

I know it technically isn’t furry but if I presented as my self in the fandom but as a human woman would I still be welcome? I don’t have the freedom to be myself in real life and the furry fandom is one of the few things that clicks for me socially as an autistic person. Also I like the cute bara stuff here.