u/CuteEquivalent638

I’ve fixed and ruined and fixed my sleep schedule so many times in the last two weeks. Yesterday I woke up at 10 am, then couldn’t sleep at all at night. So I didn’t, till I accidentally passed out around 1 pm and woke up at 7 pm and ruined my sleep schedule again. It’s been like this over and over and over… not to mention weird nightmares have been frequent.

Is anybody else going through this right now? This shit sucks.

If you haven’t heard, the stranger things writers were apparently using AI during the last season. And I just found out today the co creator of outer banks, Josh pate is an AI super fan, I’m talking like on his knees mouth wide open for the AI data centers.

He has more tweets about AI than his own show. And I would’ve said maybe it’s not his account, because he hadn’t linked it in any other places or anything, but it’s pretty consistent with who he follows on instagram, his brother, and events about the show. Bro, I remember I used to love outer banks up until season 3, funny. Season 3 is right around when AI was popular. It’s also when the characters started acting out of character.

I’m so fucking sick of this shit. This is the beginning, many other shows and movies outside of Netflix will also use AI and it will be a more accepted thing. It’s already happening. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world of AI written shows and movies.

What. The. Fuck. Genuinely, how is a “professional writer” letting AI write for them. Smh, what the fuck is this year.

I’m tired.

Edit: allegedly, just felt the need to drop that in. But imo based on what I’ve found all that I’ve said is very very likely.

So I’m going to Istanbul later this month, and I know most don’t speak English there, and I wanna learn Turkish because I’m planning on going there a lot. So this is what I learned so far:

Hoşbulduk, merhaba, evet, hayır, bu, lütfen, paket, teşekkürler, sağol, sağolun, tamam, şeker, pantolon, gömlek, kolay gelsin, su, and the numbers one to ten.

Is this generally enough to get me around for now? Or do I need to learn more? I’m trying to first tackle down the most important/words I will use most. I’m finding it easy so far because Turkish is similar to Arabic, and I speak Arabic. But it’s definitely not easy to learn a new language.

So I’m visiting Istanbul later this month, and I’ll be at a lot of the most popular malls, I’ll be staying at the hotels there as well.

What are some good breakfast franchises common there? Because I thought about just buying a sandwich from the market there but feel like that would get boring. Also, I don’t want like pancakes and pastries because they never fill me up.

So what are some good places with generally healthy breakfast options?

It is an unsettling thought, but I’m like scared of it and it genuinely makes me uneasy. Idk why. Like a lot of things are scary but this really gets to me for some reason.

I remember some mom coming online to admit that she shaved her son’s head as punishment for something, and it was so wrong to me that I almost felt physically sick. What do you mean you forcibly shaved his head?? What could he have done to deserve that? I’m sure some other discipline methods would’ve been better.

One time I even saw in a movie, a lady get her head shaved for the chance to win some money. It was fake, just a movie. But seeing her unsure face, and clippers getting rid of all of her hair slowly made me turn off the movie. I couldn’t watch.

I don’t know why it specifically unsettles me so much compared to other things, does anybody else feel that way?

I had the weirdest dream last night, I had so many pets. Two birds, an owl, a weird small rhino, a hedgehog, and all of them would die Within a day and rot. But one bird stayed on my shoulder the whole time.

They stayed in a room in the house downstairs, and I’d visit them to feed them. If I forgot to go down in time, the next time I’d come they’d be almost dead, or already dead and rotting. It kept happening over and over.

Then I woke up, and for some reason in my head the bird is real, so I was grateful I didn’t kill him. Then I’d sleep again and wake up one more time, realize it was a dream, and just feel really disturbed.

I don’t even know what to think. I’ve never dreamed of something like that.

So I’m Muslim, and so is my family. My cousin told me about her little cousin who’s 12, who spoke to her about feeling unsure about the religion.

She said that she feels like she doesn’t want to be Muslim when she grows up, and that she isn’t sure she believes in any religion. I thought it really wasn’t a big deal.

But apparently, people in the family have been gasping and acting as if she said something blasphemous. Apparently it’s this huge unacceptable deal to them.

I can’t believe that. Like why would I care if someone in the family is doubting the religion and wants to leave it in the future, much less a child. Would you rather they do it in secret? Like seriously, even if her family members think that she’s going to hell or whatever aren’t we all responsible for our own decisions??

What are you gonna do, convince a 12 year old to continue being Muslim? How would you even do that, would it matter in the long run? If you scare her into staying, she’s just gonna hate it more. That’s not good.

I believe that everyone is responsible for their own decisions. I don’t have 100% proof that my religion is real, so why would I force it on someone? Even a loved one. If they don’t wanna believe in it, then they don’t have to. It has nothing to do with me

I certainly know how fucking horrible it is to be forced to do things. It took me literal years to like wearing the hijab. It’s supposed to be a decision you make, but as soon as I got my period, at 12, my mother forced me. I absolutely despised it and became extremely depressed and insecure for years because of it. I wanted to take it off so bad but was so scared of being shamed by my family. I needed to do a lot of internal work to begin to accept myself in the first place, have my identity be my identity and not my looks, realize that the hijab dosent affect my life in any negative way, and just being able to make that decision myself. If anything it made me put less importance on looks.

If only they would’ve let me naturally wanna wear the hijab (or not) like many other girls I knew, instead of telling me I’m going to hell if I don’t wear it and I have no choice. I didn’t even care back then, you cannot convince me of this spiritual possible after life when I was a depressed 12 year old, it only made me worse.

And maybe I feel so neutral towards her (my cousin’s cousin) because I don’t know her personally, so I don’t really care if she chooses to have a different life. But they’re making it as if it’s crazy and shameful that she even asked a question. Let the girl live!!! I can’t imagine having that shoved down my throat as a kid again, it genuinely takes away so much from your life, to be forced into something that you don’t necessarily believe in or care about. It feels absolutely consuming, like nothing else matters if the stakes are so high like that.

they think they’re doing her a favor. Because god forbid someone starts questioning things instead of mindlessly following after them.

It’s natural to be curious. I mean, they could’ve spun it into a thing where they tell her all the good things about Islam and answer her questions and see if she still believes or not. Since she’s 12, and definitely not very knowledgeable. But instead they took the shaming route, like many religious people. Smh.

Between the ages of 12-16, I used to write for hours at night. What about? Either how my day went, or I’d make up a story with made up characters. I filled tons of notebooks, and soon went to use a tablet and a stylus instead, and filled more pages.

Most of it is illegible, looking back on what I have left. But I used to loose so much time doing it. My hand would get tired, I’d drain entire pens, and it was genuinely entertaining.

I look back on those days a little sad now, because putting the obsession behind, it’s not the worst way to spend your free time. I don’t think I have an attention span good enough to be doing this these days, college just drains so much of me that I keep wanting to spend my breaks as stress free as possible and use my brain for nothing that dosent interest me. Even though I know that’s probably bad. Writing that much and hurting my hand just dosent interest me anymore.

I mean, I am writing this, so clearly maybe I need to start journaling again or whatever I used to write about.

If you have a lot of things going on in you’re life, and tend to feel things really strongly like I do, but don’t wanna be venting about it to the people around you, you should really start writing too.

I have a weird memory, I mostly don’t remember things, expect for odd stuff my brain hyper fixates on.

I’m always the person who remembers an unimportant detail, or forgets a whole event happened that I participated in. I cannot tell you the amount of times I’ve had a conversation with family and friends about stuff I apparently did that I remember barely anything of.

I don’t remember much of my childhood, it was just…uneventful, okay. I also blacked out a lot of high school and some middle school years because I was severely depressed back then, and I realized now that I really don’t remember much of my life.

If someone would ask me about my life story or what happened with me or whatever, I’d be quiet. Idk? What am I supposed to say? I only have irrelevant specific memories. I could you give you like three sentences.

Is that a normal thing? If not, whoever’s out there like me, I guess we should…take the time to make today count? Idk, I tried to end this in a positive way and this is the best I could come up with.

I won’t go into too much detail, but like a lot of kids discovering themselves, I liked women. I didn’t even think about it twice, it’s just what I wanted. Y’know, I looked for videos. Dumbass.

Around the age of 12 it randomly changed, and I was into guys. Years later now I don’t even question my sexuality because it’s pretty clear to me how my brain works. But I really don’t know how I liked women as a little girl, if all the sudden I just changed as a teen.

Every time I remember it, and see if I have the same feelings, I struggle to feel anything.

I mean, I almost forgot I was even like this, but something brought it up, which is why I’m writing this. Did anyone go through this? I assume it must be a pretty common occurrence.

Whenever I sit anywhere out doors, or just anywhere hot or humid or both, there’s a chance that when I stand up the back of my thighs will be wet, and there’s a chance it’ll show on my pants.

I hate it, oh my god. I don’t even have particularly big thighs for them to be this dramatic, but they are anyway. It’s an issue I’ve also only noticed in the past year, for some reason.

So obviously I’m not the only one to think that season 3 and 4 jiara was horrible. I’m not against the ship in the first place, do I love it? No. But the way they executed it was just shitty. It could’ve been done so much better.

Season 3, and 4 Kiara was just SO out of character, even if she did like jj, seasons 1, 2 her wouldn’t have went about it that way. She was so watered down. And in season 4 Jj was going through the roughest time ever and she wasn’t even there for him!! Which is also so unlike her. Wasn’t she supposed to be the empathetic one of the group?

Season 1 and 2 kiara are just not the same person as season 3, and 4 Kiara.

And sure, a lot of it is because of whatvere happened on set between Madison and Rudy, I don’t know what happened so I can’t speak on it. But look, this is my thing:

A lot of scenes between Rudy and Madison in season 1 and 2 were improv. Especially the fan favorites. So when they are no longer close like that to do improv, you can truly just see the writing shine on its own, without the actors helping it. And you can just see how shit it is.

It’s so funny to me, because the moment your actors stop improving the script, everyone thinks your characters are turning out bad. A good script wouldn’t need any improv from anyone. But it’s just such bad writing.

I’m not joking. Most of the best lines from jj on his own, and him and Kiara together were almost entirely improv. It’s all because of the actors.

Doing something in a show as fan service is stupid anyway, the fans will never be happy. But now that I think about it, would their original plan even be better? Seeing how their writing is? Cleo and Jj sounds good, but I’m not sure they would’ve executed it well. I also don’t know how to feel about Kiara and pope. They’re great as friends, but idk if they have enough in common to make a good couple.

Why do they all need to be dating each other in the first place?? That’s the real question. God forbid friends remain friends.

You have no idea how many people I’ve seen spread misinformation online about a certain topic, form an opinion on it, and then influence others to have that same opinion. If you’re too lazy to read at-least one article about that heavy topic you’re talking about, then it’s a sign you shouldn’t be talking about that thing at all. Or atleast don’t state things as fact.

Especially if it’s a more sensitive topic, or something that has to do with politics, race, medicine, religion, or identity. Spreading misinformation about those can be dangerous. If you have no idea what you’re talking about, please don’t go chirping about it online to people who are also too lazy to go and do proper research, and just want instant gratification or to feel validated.

I mean we all know media literacy and critical thinking are at an all time low. For most, if something doesn’t invoke an intense emotional response, or doesn’t give them instant gratification, they’re not interested.

This is one of the biggest reasons I hate the internet. People will take anything and run with it not caring whether it’s true or not.

For years I’ve struggled with sleeping, I never feel rested, but at the same time I never feel tired enough to sleep when I should. I relied on melatonin a lot.

A month or so ago I got a blood test for iron and vitamin D. My iron wasn’t that low but the vitamin D was bad.

Now a month later, after I’ve been taking the supplements daily I realized I don’t even remember to take melatonin anymore, nor do I even need alarms. I get tired naturally and I wake up early naturally as well, while feeling rested.

If I had done this stupid test earlier, ffs. I’ve also been happier overall, because a vitamin D deficiency can be related to depression and fatigue as well.

What I’m trying to say is this is your sign to get your blood tested if you can.

I cannot explain to you the rage I feel when I find out someone had gone through my shit without telling me, or even just helped me out and did a chore for me. It’s irrational, but the thought of hands on my stuff without my permission just drives me crazy. Even if it’s just stupid shit like my bags that have nearly nothing inside of them anyway, like who told you, you can go through my bag??

I’ve tried to dig and dig and figure out where this comes from, and ultimately I go back to my mother.

I’ve had very strict parents growing up, so when I was 12, and I started getting depressed, spending time alone in my room. My parent’s solution (mainly my mother’s) was to make me spend more time with them, because they believed me isolating myself was making me worse (I’m sure it did contribute).

So they took away my phone, told me I can only be on it if I sit with them in the living room. That just made me spend more time on my own out of spite, because it felt like I was a dog that was being led out with treats. I had a problem with people telling me what to do. It was half out of spite half out of frustration.

I also didn’t wanna sit with them because they argue all the time, which stressed me out. They called me abnormal, and crazy for acting this way when no one else my age apparently does. They also refused to hear me out. The phone wasn’t the issue here. Like I genuinely was so fucking depressed, and lonely, and they were convinced it was because of my phone. Then when I’d sit with them it felt like a gotcha moment, like look, here you are being normal again, when I wasn’t actually happy or better.

So I spent the better part of 12-17 just in my room all the time when I was in the house. I either slept all day, or snuck in my phone for it to get taken away again, or wrote and read.

I filled books and books with just my thoughts, because I felt as if I couldn’t tell anyone else about them, I didn’t think anyone would understand. Hundreds of pages.

One day, when I was out with my aunt, I think about 16. I came home, and apparently my mom had told my little sister to go to my room and throw out the old school books. Which included all of my notebooks where I vent. My mom, took all those notebooks, and she could’ve read as much as she fucking wanted. To this day I don’t know how much she read, but she could’ve read like half of it for all I know. Or she could’ve read nothing, but I remember I glanced and one of them was open on an empty page.

Stuff about how I wanted to kill myself but couldn’t, how pointless life felt, just very bleak stuff. When I found out she might’ve read it I felt even worse. It felt violating, like she was looking into my brain against my wishes.

What did she do about it? NOTHING! she kept keeping my phone away from me, kept thinking that me being alone in my room was making me worse.

At this point, I had the reputation of the crazy mentally ill teenager. That I was unsatisfied all the time, slept all day, didn’t speak to my family, had bad grades in a family where everyone was a straight A student, I felt horrible about myself.

My phone was in the living room the whole time, I was only allowed to be on it there. But sometimes I wasn’t allowed it at all, if my grades came out and they were bad, my mom would take it away from me entirely for like a few months.

Fast forward to 17, I was close to graduating high school, my mental health was getting better, and I believed I could maybe explain to my mother my point of view. Maybe we could understand each other.

So one day when she was making dinner, i tried explaining to her again that taking the phone away from me did nothing. That anytime I get bad grades and she takes away my phone it ruins my break and it happens over and over and over. She was not convinced. I couldn’t help myself I started crying, telling her genuinely that nothing she’s doing is helping.

She told me to just sit with them more and I’ll see the difference, to fix my sleep schedule. I hated her for a while. Because why was I 17 and still wasn’t allowed to be on my phone alone?

Then I graduated, and all the sudden I’m an adult to them now, and she didn’t take my phone away ever again, didn’t go through my room ever, none of that. She mostly gave up on me, accepted that she can’t change me for the good.

It felt crazy, like I’m done with high school, and I get my phone back just like that too? I was doing the best I ever did. Genuinely, I was way happier. With everything combined it felt like most of my problems were fixed.

I’m start my second year in college soon, and I still don’t sit with my parents in the living room unless we’re eating or something. I just can’t do it anymore, I can’t stand it. Even now as an adult I feel like I’m 12 being forced to do so.

My parents mostly gave up on me, and accepted that I’m responsible for myself and my own issues, and they backed off almost entirely. I can’t explain to you the peace I feel right now.

But it created another issue, now, I don’t have the relationship with my parents that most have. I never really spent enough time with them to have that connection. We barely talk. Outside of family vacations, I feel really disconnected from them, I don’t even have many issues with them anymore outside of a few arguments. And I do feel a little sad seeing my other friends have such good relationships with their parents.

I don’t know how to fix that. I wanna keep the past in the past and move on, but things just keep coming up that remind me of what they think of me and I’m back to square one.