u/Late_Information_682

before i start this, i know that i need therapy and i’m going to get it very soon.

i had never thought about death this deeply until around last year, may 6th 2025, i had went to the hospital because i was suffering from shortness of breath to the point i couldn’t walk up 12 steps of stairs without being on the ground for 10-15 minutes with my heart racing and chest tightening. all within the first hour, they had taken my ecg, blood, x-ray test done which is very unusual for emergency because they usually take hours to get things done so i texted my mom (since i went alone and had to update her) that they were doing everything so fast and to “say goodbye to me because your daughter may be dying” as a joke, i really do wish i never made that joke.

the doctor had pulled me aside maybe 2 hours later telling me that they need to prep me for a CT scan because they suspect i may have bloodclots in my chest which automatically freaked me out because usually i go to emergency and it’s depression/anxiety related or some sort of lung infection from being sick but this was actually serious this time, all i remember is that they got someone to put an IV in me and i just started crying all by myself in the waiting room across from this mother and daughter that i had been talking to. i remember the daughter being scared and the mother asking me if everything was okay, i couldn’t even put the words together so all i said is that i was okay and overreacting.. they confirmed i had two large bloodclots, one in each lung that could dislodge even with the slightest movement, they had put me on oxygen and put another iv in me so they could start giving me fluids and blood thinners.

they transferred me to a different hospital where they put in the PICU and put another iv in me so that they could grab blood whenever they wanted, i had a total of 3 ivs in me now. they didn’t know whether or not i needed surgery which they thankfully didn’t have to do and after a day they sent me up to the oncology floor because that is where they deal with patients suffering from bloodclots where i stayed for maybe 4-5 days before being discharged, after awhile in the hospital they had taken me off the iv blood thinners and started doing injections that i had to learn how to do at home which eventually just turned into pills. i was on blood thinners till august, it was caused by estrogen based birth control.

i actually was relieved at first that i had went through this experience because it had made me less afraid of death since it became so close to me, a few months later a girl i knew who i didn’t like a lot had died from an overdose on MDMA mixed with fentanyl meth. it was the strangest thing i had ever experienced because i had just seen her with her boyfriend 4 days before she passed, i hadn’t seen her in months nor did i want to see her, i remember texting my other friend who was “friends” with her and mentioned that i saw her and she mentioned that the girl had asked her to hangout and smoke sometime. we had spoken about this girl too not that long ago saying how she started losing weight really quickly and thought she maybe on something because there was no way she was able to lose weight in a healthy way, i think her dying really shocked me somehow and started taking a toll on me.

it wasn’t because that specific girl had died, i wouldn’t have even thought about her if I didn’t see her, it was the fact that death was so close to me without even realizing it.

all the old people you see in movies and shows from 20 years ago , are dead. people you don’t even know at this very second that you’re reading , are dead.

this year may to august, i was walking up and down the stairs at night, rechecking locks and alarms making sure that nobody is here because for the longest time I was convinced that someone was out to get me and kill me.. it was driving me nuts, i was sleeping beside a knife because i was so scared. it eventually stopped since i had gone on a trip to grenada but when i got back, i’m rechecking celebrities and if they have died or not, finding the cause for why they died and almost hyper-fixating on it. i can’t even think about what happens after death because i’m scared it’s just absolutely pitch black, like from before you were born and if i think about it too much, i feel like i’m suffocating. it’s like the thought of after death and trying to think about it is running through my head over each other, talking over each other screaming at me to the point that it’s causing me to literally have to try and tell myself out loud for it to stop.

there’s not a single day i don’t check if someone has died, if my mom is out too long, i think that she is dead. i’m checking if she’s breathing, if my animals are breathing, absolutely everyone. i don’t know what to do anymore.

there is some pieces of clothing i had saved for when i could afford it but they’re all final sale and are unavailable to purchase now, do they ever come back?

I 17F am constantly thinking about death and the fact there is nothing after it. The thing that scares me most is not being conscious and aware around me after you’re dead, I can’t even believe that I’m typing this and living right now because it doesn’t feel real and it shouldn’t be happening. I hate the thought of being buried and I also hate the thought of being cremated, I just want to be preserved in a tank where people can know who I was apart from being someone that was alive. I have dreams of dying or other people dying, I constantly recheck doors to make sure they’re locked and making sure the alarm is on because I’m almost 100% certain someone is out to get me and is going to murder me. I just need someone to remember me once I am gone, even if you’re a celebrity, at least you are remembered for a tiny bit longer until everybody forgets you. It’s not like we are constantly thinking about the ones who passed decades ago or even people passing right now, we don’t even know who they are but they are gone. I hate the thought of being a hallow body with no longer thoughts, feelings, etc.. and how evil the world is, they don’t care either.

what should i get? it is 6:30am currently so i’m feeling breakfast food maybe with a drink. also, is the matcha latte good at all?

this isn’t a fetish post istg but i usually get them for when I go on vacation so i don’t have to deal with shaving and everytime I get it done, I love it. maybe it’s because i barely have a pain tolerance and it is mostly just built up fear but i always love getting it done.

This is a silly question and I know it’ll always be up to me whether or not I want to have pubic hair or not but do people in general eventually prefer pubic hair more and don’t care if there is any or is it still just based off of people’s preferences?

i’m going on a trip to grenada in a few days and my doctor prescribed me it since i was diagnosed with PE last year at 16 due to estrogen based birth control. the clots have slowly gone away since then and i took blood thinners months after that but for some reason i’m super scared taking the baby aspirin, i think it’s because im reading the side effects and it is freaking me out, someone please reassure me because just say i’m about to die on this plane.. i have to take baby aspirin for the rest of my life if i’m going to be travelling. i don’t want to piss, shit blood or get a stomach ulcer.. 😞

i’m taking the bayer aspirin 81mg, 1 a day for the next 2 week.

going shopping there and just wondering

I was taking estrogen based birth control and wasn’t thinking much until I was doing dance and all of a sudden I couldn’t do my usual stuff since I would be out of breath, holding my chest, etc.. ended up mentioning to my mom how I felt like something was wrong and she told me that maybe I need to workout more in which I believed her since I’m not toned (nor am I overweight) but I am lazy so I took her word for it because she’s my mom. Another month or two goes by and it’s getting worse, I can’t dance for even 15 seconds barely trying, I can’t walk up 12 steps of stairs, I can’t go slightly uphill without not being able to breathe properly for another 10 minutes and the only person who told me to go see someone was my dance teacher in which I finally listened to her and thank god that I did, I ended up taking myself to the hospital since I had an appointment nearby.

I walk in, explain my symptoms and they start taking my blood pressure, tests, etc.. all in the first hour which is really unusual considering they usually don’t do anything for the first hour or two and I texted my mom about that in which she said it was probably a shift change. A doctor comes out and mentions how I have to go for a CT scan because I may have bloodclots and they need to put an IV in me so they could see if they were right or not. They ended up being right and they had to get me a room, put me on oxygen and give me another IV so one can be giving me liquids and the other could start giving me blood thinners since I had a bloodclot in each lung which was “the size of a golf ball”. I had to be sent to a children’s hospital because the other one didn’t have a specific equipment for the children’s area in that hospital so I had to take an ambulance there, was put in PICU for about 2-3 days in which I couldn’t eat because they may have had to take me for surgery so they could take out the bloodclots through my leg which thank god that didn’t happen. Kept doing more tests and eventually got put up in the cancer unit because that is where they deal with bloodclots, mom and dad kept staying the night on and off each day, my uncle visited once.

I know this might sound selfish, and I don’t want it to come across as though I’m upset that my friend received support. I was genuinely glad they had people around them.

What hurt me was that when I was in the hospital after something that could have killed me, my friends mostly texted to say they were sorry, which I appreciated. Around the same time, another friend from our group was hospitalized for almost the exact reason I was except it was for vaping too much.. No bloodclot, nothing actually life threatening at all, just from vaping a little too much.

Everyone went to visit them, brought flowers and gifts, and checked in multiple times.

Seeing that made me realize I felt almost annoyed..? It wasn’t that I wanted my friend to receive less support, I just wished I’d been shown that same level of concern if that makes sense. It sounds selfish even when I write it out as best as I can because it’s hard to explain exactly how I felt or if I’m overreacting at all.

Even a year later, after taking my bloodthinners for months after leaving the hospital, etc.. I still have to be worried about it, I got prescribed a low dose of aspirin for my trip to Grenada, I feel like what if I’m not able to do all the fun stuff I used to be able to do? I don’t know how aspirin works so I don’t know if it’s similar in a way where I have to be careful not to fall, can’t drink, etc.. It sounds silly because these should be the least of my concerns since I’m a teenager but I still want to be able to do the things I was able to before, especially on vacation. Is it going to stay this way even when I’m an adult?

almost similar to this one place in Santa Monica which I keep seeing, it’s called Main Squeeze and it has me in a chokehold craving it. It looks so thick, I actually need a good smoothie.