u/Mandarin_Lumpy_Nutz

About 4 times in the last 24 hours, while I’ve been sitting, I’ve felt like I was falling through the sky. It feels a little jarring. Do you feel this sensation? I’ve also felt like I was floating before as a kid. I could feel myself lift off the bed. I thought I had a special power but I eventually lost that power.

I’m having real bad restlessness this week. I’ve only gotten about 10 hours sleep in 5 (almost 6) days due to it. I take Abilify 15mg. I also take propranolol 70mg, to supposedly help with the restlessness, but it isn’t. Exercise brings brief comfort.

Anybody up that I can talk to? Just about life and this diagnosis.

I haven’t been able to sleep but maybe 10 hours the past 5 days because of the restlessness I assume is caused by this medication. I’m on 15mg. I’m on 70mg propranolol to try and help with the restlessness but it isn’t working. I’m exhausted.

I saw a video where the psych said OCPD was the most prevalent personality disorder. Is there truth to that? If so, how come you never hear about it but instead hear about Cluster B disorders most often?

Has this happened to be any of you? I can’t sleep because I’m so restless. I stopped my Abilify 3 days ago

Anybody here who has a dissociative disorder and schizophrenia/schizoaffective.

Do your “parts” make you dissociate the fact that you hallucinate? Because they think you can’t handle the truth? I’m struggling right now accepting I have schizo/hallucinations. And I feel terrified. Many of my parts do. It’s making my heart pound. But I think I found a way to help this. I have been telling myself, “It’s okay to not be okay. I can handle the truth. I have Schizoaffective and various other disorders and that’s okay. We went through a lot so of course we’d struggle so much.Etc”. It’s helping some.

Do your “parts” make you dissociate the fact that you hallucinate? Because they think you can’t handle the truth? I’m struggling right now accepting I have schizo/hallucinations. And I feel terrified. Many of my parts do. It’s making my heart pound. But I think I found a way to help this. I have been telling myself, “It’s okay to not be okay. I can handle the truth. I have Schizoaffective and various other disorders and that’s okay. We went through a lot so of course we’d struggle so much.Etc”. It’s helping some.

Is there any way to safely diet with an eating disorder?

Or is it best to stay away from diets?

Or is it best to stay away from diets?

Title. Just wanting to see if I relate. I have a diagnosis and am trying to understand it and myself better.

I have trouble with everyday life due to my OCD/OCPD. Everything feels dirty. My bed also feels dirty but I have to suck it up if I want to sleep. It’s hard to get things to feel “clean enough”. When I am actually able to touch the dirty dishes, and clean them, I use a lot of soap. Like, a gargantuan amount for the amount of dishes in order for it to feel “clean enough”. Clean dishes that aren’t washed by me are dirty. Feel dirty. Same with other things, like toilets and sinks and counters and floors, etc. You’ll probably think “just wear gloves” but lol, the gloves are dirty as well. Besides, as an exposure, I need to touch things without gloves.

I also struggle with perfection. I struggle to do things like schoolwork, therapy work,work. I feel if I can’t do it perfectly immediately, I’m a failure. And that I shouldn’t do the activity at all. And fearing being a failure has turned me into a failure. I can’t engage in new hobbies for fear of not immediately ace-ing it.

Intrusive thoughts are constant. I often struggle with fearing I am racist, sexist, homophobic, pedophilic, etc. Because I’ll constantly hear in my mind the most atrocious things about other people and myself that I do not agree with. I stay home from public because my heard gets so loud and I have terrible thoughts and feel anxious people can hear my intrusive thoughts.

I have many hyper-fixations, but instead of lasting at most a month or maybe a few months, they last years and instead of using them for pleasure, I use them as a task. For example, I obsess and hyper-fixate on mental illnesses because I want an answer to why I feel like I do. Why I feel the way I have since I was 3-4. As far back as I can remember. I believe OCD started for me around 4-5. And I turned that into a task to try and gain control. I feel if I find out the answer to what is wrong with me(because something feels fundamentally wrong with me), then I can gain control over my mind, which feels chaotic.

And OCPD developed after abuse from my parents, expecting me to always be perfect. Everything from school (if I didn’t have the highest grade in the class, I was a failure, I wouldn’t amount to anything other than being a fast food worker, no college would want me) to hobbies (if I didn’t do them 100% perfectly, they say it was a useless waste of time)to work/chores(they’d say I didn’t even try and make me redo them to an extreme extent: for example, if I missed even a spot on a dish after doing the dishes, my parents would make me clean all the dishes in the house. Like, all the cookware and dishes and cutlery and cups within the house.

I don’t feel good at all mentally. I have other disorders as well that contribute to the ways I feel.

And does it drive your ED behaviors? How so?

I have a very strict routine that involves not being allowed to eat (there is a right time to eat but the right time never comes) during the day, and then, after using weed, I lose control at night and binge. Then the cycle starts over again. I rarely restrict food because I feel I’m overweight. I mostly restrict because it feels unsafe to eat and I like my routine, honestly. I know I shouldn’t but is very ingrained in me

I think I’m more likely to procrastinate, just lay in bed, in a messy room/house because I just can’t touch anything that’s dirty (I know that’s more OCD which I’ve also been diagnosed with). But also, I have a visceral reluctance (or maybe more like fear) of doing chores because my parents not only expected my schoolwork or hobbies to be perfect, but housework as well. For example, when I was growing up, and I did the dishes, if I missed even one spot on a dish, I’d be required to clean every dish in the house. My parents also had certain ways they wanted their laundry to be done but they’d constantly change how they wanted me to do the laundry. I never knew when they’d switch up how they wanted the laundry done, and they got extremely upset if I somehow didn’t know that they had changed their minds about how they wanted the laundry done. Also, say, if I missed even one spot in the microwave, I’d get berated and treated like I hadn’t cleaned the microwave at all. I think my OCPD is internal in presentation and I don’t show it very outwardly? Just a thought. I’m not put together at all. I used to show my symptoms outwardly I believe. I was very punctual(so much so that if I was even going to be a few seconds late to something (class, work, events), I would be unable to go out of embarrassment and shame for being late. So I just wouldn’t show up at all. I made lists, especially lists of my hyperfixations. I’d over work and do the job of 2-3 people, work extra hours. I still work extra hours if I can help it (I already work 10-12 hour days 4-5 days a week). I can’t draw because I’m afraid I will mess up and it won’t be perfect. I have trouble starting new activities (say like archery) because I fear I won’t get it 100% on the first try (getting a bullseye in the first try). Leisure feels impossible even though I’m just laying in bed. My body may be stationary but my mind won’t turn off, ever. I can’t even just watch TV and will instead research hyperfixation topics(mental health). Like, right now I have on Last Week Tonight by John Oliver but instead I’m researching about OCPD. Because OCPD feels like the “right” answer to what I’m dealing with. So my brain has latched onto it like a lifeline. If I know the right answer to my mind and the way it works, I can feel in control. It’s all about control.

I do, badly. My love is genuine but obsessive. I think about the “Limerent Object” constantly. Research them. Watch videos about them. Stare at pictures of them. I’ve been told it’s a way to feel in control. Another way I feel in control is by intellectualizing. I have to research my mental health diagnosis’s constantly. I think about them obsessively as well. Because my internal world feels so chaotic and messy.