I have extreme violent tendencies and want to know if it's a disorder.
ABOUT ME: I have severe ADHD and social anxiety. I don't have traumas like bullying or any kind of abuse, but I did suffer from social anxiety and ADHD in school days and hated myself a lot. After 2019 quarantine I am extremely isolated. Half of it I was living my best life but last 4 years I'm miserable and lonely. Fail to get a job, girlfriend or friends.
For whatever the reason I have extreme violent tendencies. Before specifying what terrible things I have in mind, keep in mind there are things that I mean it and would do, and things that I don't mean and would never do, but I say them to shock people.
- I sometimes fantasize about beating the living fck out of someone, make them cry and spit on them, and I really wait for someone to give me the reason to. - That I mean it.
- lately I started verbally abusing people on internet as a way of rant. I threaten their families, include r*pe and say terrible things in general. Like very unspeakable stuff. - That I don't mean it or want it, but I want them to feel bad. Usually in online games.
Two days ago I got drunk around my family and their friends and said where is my brother I will cut this throat and make his little kid eat the remains. It was the first time ever I openly said anything like that. I DON'T actually want to do it, nor will I EVER do anything like this, but I did want to say something terrible. I was in enough control to not say it, but I did. I think I just wanted people's attention. I don't know
I don't know if I developed into an asshole but I'm naturally carrying and fair as a person, many would say very kind so this does not look like me, but I'm actually deep down scared of my own thoughts and new desires. I really want to know what this is