u/TravelOtherwise8507

I have autism, but what makes me have schizoid is the utter lack of desire for closeness. I require solitude, I require distance. I fantasize about being a hermit. To the point where when someone tries to be close to me, I get extremely uncomfortable. This is the case even with antipsychotics and antidepressants in me.

I'd like to hear other povs

Personally, I can't relate to most depictions of BPD as being emotional and clinging to people. I dont cling, people actually repulse me. My BPD presents as impulsivity and internalized stuff. Anger issues. Splitting.

I'm unsure of why i am repulsed by people. It feels disgusting, having someone want to be close to me. Caring in a way I cannot care back. I do have the tism, so it could be related to that

Anyone else?

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I am in a situation where I reconnected with my 40 year old half sister. I am 18. I am old enough to take care of myself. Sure I have autism, bipolar, etc.. But i am a grown ass man.

She thinks I am fragile. Vulnerable. Someone to protect

Lord kill me wtf...

I am on meds, I am surviving. I am not fragile, I dealt with the worst stuff. Trauma. Bipolar episodes. I am a college senior, thats not something fragile.

Help. Shes moving back in with us. She herself is autistic and has depression, shes also neurodivergent. And shes super happy I am neurodivergent too

Starting since the middle of April

I'm an intermediate in fitness, I have been doing bodyweight workouts. Pullups, pushups.

I am 18 y/o and 5'7.

I just want someone to say good job tbh, I struggled with an ED as a kid , I used to be severely underweight

I am stopping listening to music. Classical music, pop music, rock music. The only stuff I'll listen to are.. sounds. Just sounds. ASMR, ambience, silence, birds chirping. 

I noticed that music stopped being enjoyable. I have a couple mental conditions, and music ended up being a form of stimming + dopamine. Loads of dopamine. Except... I got on meds. And I stopped getting dopamine from music. I learned that music was just linked to dopamine for me, it wasn't actually something I enjoyed. I was listening to music one day and had to stop because.. it felt icky. It didn't feel *good*. It felt just... bleh. Like ear masturbation, for lack of better words. 

So I decided, no more. I am writing this on my laptop listening to ambience. Zombie apocalypse ambience, to be precise, because I am an 18 year old gamer very into apocalypses. This is Day 1. 

I am stopping listening to music. Classical music, pop music, rock music. The only stuff I'll listen to are.. sounds. Just sounds. ASMR, ambience, silence, birds chirping. 

I noticed that music stopped being enjoyable. I have a couple mental conditions, and music ended up being a form of stimming + dopamine. Loads of dopamine. Except... I got on meds. And I stopped getting dopamine from music. I learned that music was just linked to dopamine for me, it wasn't actually something I enjoyed. I was listening to music one day and had to stop because.. it felt icky. It didn't feel *good*. It felt just... bleh. Like ear masturbation, for lack of better words. 

So I decided, no more. I am writing this on my laptop listening to ambience. Zombie apocalypse ambience, to be precise, because I am an 18 year old gamer very into apocalypses. This is Day 1. 

I feel.. normal.

I got medicated as an 18 year old, somehow made it to my senior year of college. Bipolar type 2. I also have autism, adhd, and ocd

I feel sooooo normal and tired

I lucid dreamed. I was in a place from my past and past dreams. I suddenly became aware it was a dream, i started making fun of a couple strangers in my dream (dont judge). No one attacked me. They were avoidant. Felt like entities.

I seamlessly transformed it back to a regular dream that continued. Still, no one attacked.

Why ?

I find its common for us to be infantilized as if we are more "pure" than most. I find this.. untrue and deeply disturbing.

Personally, I am a flawed person. I get angry, I get stressed just by being perceived. "Pure." Sure. No. I have bad thoughts, I have angry thoughts. I have to put more effort into understanding people than most

My dad made such arguments, and the question I kept asking was, "why?" Why does it automatically have to mean chaos? Why does anarchism automatically mean rulebreaking?

He wanted me to look up what anarchism is so we can agree on the "definition"

I was told I dont meet criteria for GAD, ever since my bipolar was treated. However, I do still have anxiety... Specifically about interacting with others. Its stressful, having to deal with people and their expectations and.. yeah.

He said "I don't really have any boundaries" to me recently when driving to the beach. We open up to each other about our mental health and medicines and stuff. He bought me creatine (seriously spent 100 bucks on me) for my 18th birthday. Got me subway. Went to the beach with me and had a sandwich with me after. We hug each other. Out of pure curiosity, I asked him if he ever kissed a boy, and he asked if I'm asking because I want to kiss him. He patted my thigh a couple times in the past 

Do you guys think there's something going on here? I hope there isnt

He said "I don't really have any boundaries" to me recently when driving to the beach. We open up to each other about our mental health and medicines and stuff. He bought me creatine (seriously spent 100 bucks on me) for my 18th birthday. Got me subway. Went to the beach with me and had a sandwich with me after. We hug each other. Out of pure curiosity, I asked him if he ever kissed a boy, and he asked if I'm asking because I want to kiss him. He patted my thigh a couple times in the past 

Do you guys think there's something going on here?