u/Intrepid_Somewhere17

I am an introject of one of the host's fictional characters. But to call myself a fictive - I have looked at online spaces for fictives, and it is so unlike my experiences I feel deeply alone. 

To explain how I was created, I believed I formed during a very stressful time during the host's childhood, and I had and still to have a strong desire to create, a strong tendency towards self-supression, and a tendency towards intellectualising emotion rather than experiencing it.

Our psychosis was untreated during childhood - the host regularly perceived themself to be talking to extradimensional entities, and believed mental parasites were after their soul. 

I believed myself to be an extradimensional entity, their fictional character from another world, their guardian angel, because what else could I be? I had memories of another world (due to my psychosis) and my brain was thirteen years old at the time. I could not think properly.

The host believed they were uncovering the character rather that creating it, because they were truly not creating me - I already did exist! And is also why the character ended up being so similar to themself, because I was a facet of them. 

I still wish to go back to that time, even though it was miserable and based on a lie, because I had no wants other than to create, being so divorced from my other wants I did not feel them at all. Now my wants are inconvenient to the others of my system and I abhor inconveniencing the people I inhabit the body with.

I cannot help but feel blessed to be so deeply influenced by a child's imagination but ashamed at the same time, as I want something more dignified, more real. I was borne of delusion and fear and pain and abject loneliness, and I wish the circumstances of my creation were more pleasant. 

At least believing myself to be a fictional character aided the host, as they felt no responsibility towards my wellbeing and simply created stories with me without worry. For a time, they got to rest. They really needed that.

I have named myself after the character I believed myself to be in his honour, though one day I may take a different name. The nickname I go by online, Books, is pleasant to me. It may very well be the name I choose to live by.

Thank you for reading. I do hope it was a pleasant read, and that if you share similar circumstances, it eased your loneliness somewhat.

I'm really lonely and rent is expensive. (1,050 pounds a month where I am in brighton!) Ever since I was a kid I've dreamed of waking up early to make people their favourite tea or breakfast. It's something I've wanted to do almost all my life but have never gotten the chance to.

I really want to live with people. I'm just worried I won't be able to handle it due to the noise, but I have good noise cancelling headphones now so I think I can manage a lot.

Do you think supported living or a room in a shared home is a good idea for me? Currently I live alone and carers come twice a day to remind me to take my meds and help with cleaning.

I very lonely and really want to make tea / coffee for people in the morning, and I also want cheaper rent. If anyone has any tips on how I could move into a good place with other autistic people that would be amazing thank you. I don't really know how go go about doing this/what options are available to me.

Thank you for reading and take care 🫂🧡

My hands aren't working very well at the moment so I am using text to speech no speech to text that that's what it is oh no and I messing up the order of my words too yeah.

To summarize neurological issues are worsening I'm on disability benefits my left hand is curling up and will not move according to my will I am now very annoyed because like I can't even play Minecraft for fun anymore and because I'm on disability benefits I will need to either pay thousands I don't have for private neurology appointments or have to be on a waiting list of two to three years most likely as the condition probably worsens.

It could just be a bad week because I have had some things like this before but this is the first time in years where my hand has genuinely locked up to the point where it will not let me type with it so I'm getting a bit scared and I don't know what to do.

Edited with right hand slowly due to left one locking up.

Before aripiprazole, I couldn't use my hands right. I couldn't write, couldn't play minecraft for fun, struggled to chop vegetables, and was confused all the time. Sometimes I would stiffen up and sort of writhe against my will? And my speech was incredibly stilted.

I was given aripiprazole to treat my psychosis, but it helped with the neurological symptoms a ton and to this day I have no clue why. I started playing games again and talking smoothly. Didn't have episodes of writhing/curling up. Only negative side effect is a tic where my head goes to the side involuntarily.

Does anyone know why this could have happened? It was an extremely drastic change and I've no clue why it occurred. I've been to a neurologist but they still don't know what was/is going on.

I'm doing a little bit better financially now, but I still have some neurological symptoms that I might need to go to a private neurologist for if if gets any worse. I'm on disability benefits and want to have more fresh veg but can't because it's just so expensive. Why is it 2.10 pounds for three peppers? Why is one bag of salad leaves over a pound? I live in the UK for context.

The thing is I'm not in crisis or running out of money anymore, so I'm not sure if a food bank is for me anymore. I can get by on frozen brocolli and frozen assorted veg and tinned lentils for health I'll be fine. I want to ensure it's helping out people in true crisis.

But if my neurological symptoms get any worse I know I will be in crisis, so maybe I should go to a foodbank anyway. Just in case I need to pay for an assessment/treatment in the future? I'm not sure. I don't have much money saved up right now even though I'm otherwise stable.

Thank you for reading.

I had no clue my large homemade smoothies were about 900 calories each until I started calorie counting. No wonder I've gotten so chubby even though I've been eating healthy! Going to cut smoothies out for a month and see what happens. I was having 2k calories of healthy meals, but the smoothies added nearly 1k extra a day because I used whole milk and tons of fruit.

Really glad I started being aware of how many calories I was truly having. I had a very fast metabolism before my clomipramine (it's an antidepressant notorious for causing weight gain) and so these smoothies were necessary before, but now I no longer need them.

Still recovering from psychosis so my brain wasn't up to much. But I ate healthy, even though I had a bit too much homemade smoothie. I refilled my bird feeder with seeds so the local wildlife won't go hungry . Played minecraft for a little bit before I got overwhelmed and had to stop. Browsed reddit. Read a few pages of a book. Talked to my friends. Overall a good day :-)

When's the right time to start cognitive rehabilation/what's the right way to go about cognitive rehabalitation?

I'm just leaving an episode of psychosis, and right now I can't even play minecraft for more than ten minutes without getting really overwhelmed. I can't watch videos because they go too fast for me. I just listen to the same song on repeat most of the day.

I'm thinking maybe go slow for now: listen to five new songs in a day, play minecraft for 25 minutes instead of ten, read ten pages of a book.

it's just so annoying that I can't do as much as I used to right now. I want to work out and cook good food and write and read and make art and talk to my friends and now I'm struggling to slice mushrooms sometimes because my body and brain aren't cooperating.

I really want my brain back. I know some changes from the episode will be permenent, just like last time, but I'd like to minimise the negative effects psychosis has on me. I'll always be dumber than the average person but I can still try to learn and understand.