u/Jacob-Anders

Washington, D.C. — In a late-night signing ceremony held in the White House bathroom, President Donald J. Trump issued Executive Order 69420, titled "Preserving the Sanctity of the Best Marriage Ever, Believe Me," which explicitly criminalizes any attempt by First Lady Melania Trump to file for divorce.

"Look, folks, nobody divorces better than me, but we're not doing that," Trump told reporters while holding up a Sharpie signed document. "Melania is tremendous. Tremendous. The best First Lady in history, maybe ever. She's not going anywhere. Because THAT was just made it illegal. Very simple. Not legal. The radical left can't touch this one."

According to the order, any dissolution of the Trump marriage would be classified as a national security threat under the guise of "protecting the Trump Brand." Violations would carry penalties including exile to Epstein Island, mandatory listening to all 47 hours of Trump's greatest rally speeches on loop, and being forced to watch The Apprentice reruns with no snacks.

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed the order was "100% constitutional" because "the President said so, and also something about Article II." When asked if this sets a dangerous precedent, she replied, "The only precedent is that Melania stays by his side like the classy, beautiful woman she is. Next question."

Sources close to Melania report she wasn't consulted on the order. A Slovenian accent was overheard muttering, "This is why I stay in New York," followed by the sound of several doors slamming in rapid succession.

Legal experts are divided. Conservative commentator Sean Hannity called it "the strongest marriage protection order in American history" and suggested it should be expanded to "all good, loyal wives." Meanwhile, constitutional scholar Laurence Timmons tweeted, "This is insane even by clown-car standards," before his account was temporarily suspended for "spreading hoaxes about executive power."

Democrats reacted with predictable outrage. Senator Bernie Sanders held an emergency press conference: "This is an outrage! So I am once again asking for your support in..." Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was seen frantically googling "can president really do this?".

Trump, appearing later via Truth Social, posted: "Melania loves me more than ever. She told me so! The FAKE NEWS won't report it. We're winning BIGLY on marriage. #NoDivorce #SheLovesMeSheLovesMeNot"

Melania's office has so far declined to comment, releasing only a statement through her spokesperson: "The First Lady remains focused on her Be Best initiative, and reviewing international real estate listings."

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