u/Top-Cap-5021

I’m a Jamaican American, but it feels like my parents get more strict the older I get. I’m over here still having to explain where I’m going, who I’m with, where it is, what time I’m coming home, etc despite being almost 20 years old and they already track my location. It just makes me want to lie and then when I slightly lie, they get all mad over it. They got mad at me for not telling them I slept over at a friend’s house.

Like I understand they are providing for me financially, but that doesn’t give the right to treat me with disrespect. I’m over at here screaming at you that I want to kill myself, and you’re just ignoring that and telling me that I need to grow up and be positive and to stop being sad. I’m over here with a sprained hand and you’re still making me empty out the dishwasher. You’re yelling at me for not cleaning out the air fryer daily when I haven’t even used it, and I’ve seen no one else clean out the air fryer daily. Like I’m genuinely so done. I’m gonna do family therapy just to tell my side of the story and see what I can do because I know I’m gonna get in trouble when I go home and get grounded for the rest of the summer and probably have controls on my phone and all that.

They’ll say how they love you so much because they did xyz growing up for you, acting like they didn’t call you selfish because you tried to attempt, acting like they didn’t ask me weird questions like if I’m wearing a bra, acting like shit like wearing a bra in the house growing up was normal and having to cover up around my own father. Like stuff like that makes me think something happened to me growing up that I can’t remember, and the weird pictures and poses I be seeing in my baby book don’t make it any better.

Am I the problem? My mom is mad at me because I decided to stay over at a friends house and didn’t let her know beforehand. I texted my dad late last night that I’d be staying over, he said ok, and then told my mom I didn’t tell him that. She’s also mad that I lied about the location, saying it was in x city when it was in another city. I told her it was because I was afraid she’d say no and she said how sometimes in life, I need to accept no as an answer, how I’m financially responsible on them, etc. Mind you, they already track my location anyways. Now my mom is coming up to where my friend lives and is gonna drive me home and I already know I’m gonna get grounded til I go back to uni, might even get the Bark app reinstalled on my phone, all that jazz.

Did anyone go down this route? I generally never considered myself to be asexual until now and I’m lowkey questioning. I always assumed I was just a lesbian, and when I’d kiss other women, it would just be that I hadn’t found the right one, but no, I just hate kissing. It’s so disgusting 💀. Like I really enjoy cuddling but once we get into kissing, it’s a no for me. It feels forced and so wet lmao. I feel like I care more about the connection with someone now but I don’t think I’d want anything intimate past cuddling.

It’s crazy because I always thought I was a lesbian. But here I am 19 almost 20 drunk asf and I’m realizing I don’t like kissing men or women. It feels kinda disgusting lowkey. I don’t feel much from it which is crazy granted it’s not like ppl I have a crush on but still. I’m not much of a party animal I’m pretty quiet when drunk or hi.

I’m 19, and got diagnosed with ADHD back in April, and I only just realized why I’ve struggled to be vulnerable. I always knew I overshared, but would be confused as to why I couldn’t have deeper friendships, even with neurodivergent people. It’s just talking about how you feel, which seems so stupid and obvious, but I’d share something like, “My mom hit me as a child” when you’re supposed to say “My mom hit me as a child and that made me feel sad”. I didn’t even know I was still masking until recently and even after being diagnosed, I didn’t know how to take the mask off. I can only really unmask when I’m on substances.

It doesn’t help that I live with my parents where one moment, they’re nice, and the next, they’re just mean. If they’re nice and I express that I’m upset, they listen, but when they’re angry, it’s “other people have it worse than you”, “you’re choosing to be upset”, “you’re so lazy”. And if I bring up those stuff that they’ve said, they’d just deny and say how no one is talking about that right now, no one has said that to you and I just need to listen.

I feel so angry. I’d never known how to be vulnerable with anyone, even my therapists. I’d feel fine in therapy, then leave with a barrage of emotions. It doesn’t help that there’s always just a little voice in the back of my head saying how I’m stupid, how other people have it worse than me, how I’m ungrateful, etc.

It feels weird even putting a trigger warning for emotional abuse. Like yeah, my dad told me that suicide is selfish despite me attempting, but he bought me a car and is paying for my college, so I don’t have anything to complain about. And it doesn’t help when all people see are the stuff that I have and they praise my parents, which just makes me feel like a burden.

I feel like everything I do is just wrong. My family always is preaching how I need to stop choosing to be sad, to grow up, and to be positive, and it’s really hard for me to do so. I literally got so angry yesterday I had fought my dad for a few seconds, screaming and begging for him to kill me, because I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.

It feels like conforming to society is the only way that I’ll be able to survive. I had dreams of wanting to live in NYC and have dyed hair, piercings, etc. but that doesn’t seem attainable anymore. My folks like to say how my pink hair could be a turn off as to why I’m not getting a job rn. Atp, I’m thinking of just dyeing my hair back to black tomorrow.

It’s crazy cuz my parents have done stuff like told me being gay is a sin and have said I have an evil spirit in me for not wanting to spend time with them and saying that suicide is selfish despite attempting. It feels like anything I do is just wrong and I feel forced to just submit to them. Especially because now they say how they want a relationship with me and stuff, I just feel like the problem. It feels like all I can do is just pretend to be happy.

TLDR: Fought my dad for a few seconds, wanting to off myself, parents have told me stuff like being gay is a sin, feeling like a burden.

I feel like everything I do is just wrong. I just want to kill myself. My family always is preaching how I need to stop choosing to be sad, to grow up, and to be positive, and it’s really hard for me to do so. I literally got so angry yesterday I had fought my dad for a few seconds, screaming and begging for him to kill me, because I just didn’t want to be alive anymore.

It feels like conforming to society is the only way that I’ll be able to survive. I had dreams of wanting to live in NYC and have dyed hair, piercings, etc. but that doesn’t seem attainable anymore. My folks like to say how my pink hair could be a turn off as to why I’m not getting a job rn. Atp, I’m thinking of just dyeing my hair back to black tomorrow.

It’s crazy cuz my parents have done stuff like told me being gay is a sin and have said I have an evil spirit in me for not wanting to spend time with them and saying that suicide is selfish despite attempting. It feels like anything I do is just wrong and I feel forced to just submit to them. Especially because now they say how they want a relationship with me and stuff, I just feel like the problem. It feels like all I can do is just pretend to be happy.

First it was my phone, then my PC and now my computer. It’s so annoying I have to use my data and then my hotspot for the other two, which stopped connecting as well.

Have you ever told your parents about something that happened to you when you were a kid and they’re just denying it? Cuz I feel like I’m going crazy rn.

I just ended a phone call with my dad and I had brought up how they told me how the doctors wanted to abort me, and he said how he misspoke and they didn’t mean it like that. And then when I spoke up about how I need to be grateful and trying harder, he asked, “Who is telling you all this stuff? No one is telling you all of this stuff.” I genuinely feel like I’m going crazy rn because I’m literally crying and it’s like, obviously, the behavior and mindset you’re exhibiting comes from childhood, so obviously, I would’ve had to learn it from them, right? And then to be told that what I thought wasn’t even true just hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like I’ve just been lying this whole time.

It’s like how when I hurt my hand recently and went to the hospital and my dad was nice and everything and then a few days later, when I didn’t want to spend time with him, he thought there was a demon inside of me. I just constantly feel like a burden bro and everything I do is just wrong.

I’ve actually been told this many times before, but it’s really affecting me rn today for some reason. Like idk if I’m crazy for thinking it’s kind of messed up to tell your daughter, “Hey, yeah, so the doctors actually didn’t want you at all and kept telling us to abort you”. My parents would always say how the doctors wanted to abort me and how they chose to keep me and gave a better life and sacrificed everything for me, but I just feel like a burden honestly. I just feel like I can’t do anything. I can barely get out of bed and take care of myself and before you say it, no, I’m not depressed. It’s just ADHD, but I didn’t know that until I was 19, and I’m too broke rn for medication (and I don’t wanna use my parents money cuz theyll just use it against me). Idk am I overreacting?

Edit: i just called my dad and he said he didn’t explain it correctly. Forget what i said lmao I’m just a stupid teenager

I want to go no contact with my folks. I’m tired of them. I’m tired of them feigning concern for me, then criticizing me a second later. I’m tired of them using me as their personal maid. I’m tired of the stupid comments, the weird comments, etc. I’m currently trying to look for a job (I still have the one near my school when I go back, but I really wanted to start making money already). My problem comes when I leave though. How did y’all do it? And how did your parents not track you? Even if I get a burner phone, even if I start paying for my own education and everything, they could still find out where I am, since I’m still in college, they’d easily just show up at my school. And if not that, they’d get other family to go looking for me. And I’m not really planning on moving states until after I graduate college.

It feels weird even having the thought, but I feel so uncomfortable around my dad. I feel uncomfortable around my family in general, but I feel really uncomfortable around him, mainly when it comes to physical touch. My parents have done a lot of stuff growing up that I thought was normal and then looking back, it doesn’t feel that normal.

Things that they have done:

Asked me if I was wearing a bra.

I had different underwear for going to school versus going home, and my mom would get mad at me growing up if I didn’t wear the right underwear. This went for all clothing by the way, socks and all.

I was not allowed to lock my door, and I’m still not.

A few weeks ago, my dad got mad at me for not wanting to spend time with him, and it’s crazy cuz he was just nice to me a few days ago because of my hand injury, but instead, he got convinced that there was an evil spirit in me and got on top of me, over here rubbing my back, trying to get the evil spirit out of me.

My mom used to stay with me in the changing rooms and watch me undress. She doesn’t anymore, but whenever I try on clothes, she still has to approve them and see how they fit on my body.

My dad poked my stomach one time when I was wearing a crop top, saying how I shouldn’t have it out if he can’t poke it.

My mom used to hit my butt as a joke (I think—honestly, I don’t remember a lot about my childhood).

When I was in the 2nd grade (and only the 2nd grade), I used to pee my pants all the time. Honestly, this could be chalked up to my undiagnosed ADHD and severe anxiety (since that is pretty common and I was a child), but it was so weird to me how they never got mad at me for it. In fact, they’d say that they would reward me one time if I stopped, which I didn’t, but I stopped peeing my pants once I got into the third grade.

I had to wear a bra in the house growing up. I’m also not allowed to leave the house without wearing a bra (I’m 4”8 and 80 lbs; I barely have boobs to begin with).

I’m 19 F (turning 20 this year) and my parents always love to say how they love me so much, how they sacrificed so much for me, yet it always feels like they want me to feel like a burden 24/7. My dad will say how he cares about me, yet act like I am a villain for not spending time with him. I remember recently one time when I told him I didn’t want to spend time with him and he thought I had an evil spirit in me and got on top of me trying to cleanse it out of me.

They always make me feel like everything I do is wrong whilst preaching how much they care about me. They say how they are sorry if they did anything wrong to me in the past and want to have a better relationship, but never remember what they did to me. And I know if I was to bring it up, it would turn into the “I had it worse growing up” Olympics. And it’s like, they provide for me financially, which makes me feel like even more of a burden. Cuz yeah, they gave me a car, but they also told me that suicide is selfish, like I hadn’t attempted before. Yeah, they pay for my college, but they also had the Bark app on my phone in the past and would constantly monitor my texts. Yeah, they give me money, and then get mad at me for spending their own money, and my own money, but then they also want me to spend my own money??

I can’t go one day without hearing about how they had it worse growing up and how I just need to be happy and how I’m the one in control of my actions. I genuinely just feel like a crazy person and everything is my fault and I should just submit to them.

So I don’t have BPD, however, I do realize that I struggle with this problem, and I’ve never seen anyone talk about it except in this subreddit, which is why I’m posting it here. I really struggle with trying to not block or limit myself from people from intrusive thoughts, if that makes sense. My brain (I’m turning 20 in August) since high school has had a tendency of creating imaginary arguments, for no reason, which everyone does, but I’ll be at work, and my brain will just have one with someone I know. Or I’ll be at the gym and it’ll happen. And I can’t really control it and I feel really angry when it happens. Because of it, when the thoughts were too much, I’d usually end up blocking ppl temporarily until the thoughts went away (which wouldn’t be for long). I used to just straight up unfriend ppl, but decided blocking would be better.

Obviously, this isn’t healthy, especially cuz I didn’t communicate it before or after (because I didn’t think it was a big deal since it was for a short period on only one social media platform), but do y’all relate? I also tend to distance myself from people really easily if I feel my efforts aren’t being reciprocated. For example, if ppl don’t text me back or leave me on read, I just end up deleting texts cuz I feel like it doesn’t even matter. Back in high school, I used to just delete contacts with ppl who I know wouldn’t reach out unless I did first or just unfollow ppl if I felt we weren’t close. I don’t do that anymore though, but I still have a bad habit of deleting texts often.

I never really knew how to word this, but I always get irritated by my own intrusive thoughts. For example, my brain will come up with a random scenario in my head of me arguing with a family member or a friend and I’ll feel really irritated over it. Like my brain will just conjure up random imaginative scenarios where someone will say something that’ll get me upset and then I get upset in real life. Like I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve blocked people before because I just felt so irritated and that was the only way I felt like I could get a semblance of peace. Obviously, this has really affected my relationships and I’ve lost some friends over it, but this has been happening for years. Yes, I’m in therapy (CBT cuz that’s the only affordable one).

And it’ll be the smallest stuff, but it really pisses me off. The amount of times people will say how they’ll call or text me back, and then they don’t, really irks me. And then I call them out for it and they always wanna say how they were busy or they forgot or they’re a bad texter. And then I think to myself, “Well okay, why not just set a reminder then? Or write it down in your notes?”. Like if you don’t wanna call me back, that’s fine, but don’t lie about it.

And then I also feel hypocritical in a way, because I know I’ve lied too as well to not hurt other people’s feelings, so then it feels contradictory to judge people on the same thing that I do as well, but it just really pisses me off.

Does anyone else still get this, as an adult? I mean, I always thought I was good at masking, especially because I’ve been doing it my whole childhood. But then I look back on certain moments like when I say something completely serious and ppl say how I’m so funny. Like I genuinely don’t see how what I said was funny.

For example, I was really parched one day and repeated about how my water tasted really good and then my friend was like “you’re so funny”. But I was being serious like was it my tone or were you just making fun of me and I didn’t realize?

Did anyone else’s family sexualize them all the time growing up?

This question is kind of a no brainer, because I feel like most women went through this growing up, but it still affects my life, even at 19. I remember being told growing up about how I’d have to cover up when my male relatives would come over. I’d be wearing a training bra in the house 24/7. I’d have specific underwear for inside the house and outside the house. And then now, it’s still annoying with not being allowed to wear a crop top (I mean, I technically still wear one, but I know my parents disapprove and will ask questions). My mom telling me to cover up in front of my dad and I’m just wearing shorts. My dad and my mom have asked me before if I was wearing a bra and I always have to wear one going out the house, despite being very petite and barely having boobs in the first place. Just so much weird shit.

Before you jump to conclusions, nothing happened to me at all growing up, but it’s so weird how many families will sexualize their children, but the same rules do not apply to the men at all.

As a child, in the 2nd grade specifically, I would always pee my pants because I was afraid of having to ask to use the bathroom. Like the amount of times I’d just pee in class or pee on the playground and act like nothing happened. My parents tried telling me that they’d reward me if I stopped, but it didn’t work. And then I got to 3rd grade and it just completely stopped lmao.

And honestly, it doesn’t even feel real. Cuz just a month ago, my dad was trying to get evil spirits out of me because I didn’t want to hang out with him. And now he’s calling me multiple times a day, texting me multiple times late at night, etc. He’s in another state rn, but he keeps trying to want me to visit him and come with him on his next vacation. He says how he’s sorry for the way he treated me and wants to have a better relationship with me, wanting to do therapy and all that, but I just feel so done. Like buddy, you were constantly telling me how other ppl have it worse growing up and to show gratitude, and it lowkey just made me feel like a burden. Like yes, other ppl had it worse, but I guess getting told that suicide is selfish despite your own daughter attempting isn’t that bad, right?

My mom ain’t any better. She is also wanting to have a better relationship with me, like she doesn’t talk shit about me. She’s also just very controlling. I hate how she’s acting nice to me like she didn’t take all my clothes from me because I got them from a friend and “we don’t take clothes from other ppl”. Mind you, I got them as a gift, but okay. This is the same woman who didn’t allow me to choose my own clothes til the 9th grade. Fun fact: I learnt recently that apparently a lot of women actually don’t wear a bra out in public and mind you, I’m really short and petite, but my mom and dad always want me to wear a bra out and have asked before if I was wearing a bra. They always care about me looking presentable, even for shit like going on a walk.

I’m so over it, but I’m financially dependent on them. But I used to excuse their behavior a lot, but it’s getting harder honestly. Like when they ask how I’m feeling, I know I want to just tell them how they ruined me, but I’m not about to hear another lecture about how they had it worse growing up and I need to be grateful. Like my parents were ranting at me a month ago about getting a job and how other ppl have it worse and to be positive, and now they’re telling me it’s okay to not have a job and to reach out. I’m not diagnosed (but I wouldn’t be surprised if I had it), but I feel like the themes correlate.